Chapter Twenty Four
“Internal Chaos”
"أنت بيتي و منفاي, أنت أرضي التي دمرتني"
“You’re my home and my exile, my land that destroyed me.”
Mahra
Saturday - 3:28 AM
I raised my head, my eyes struggled to adjust with the light that reflected from the street lights into the car. Turning to look outside the window, I saw it was still dark and raining outside. Wasn’t this dreadful night planning to end? Wasn’t the sun planning to shine on us again? I was exhausted and had a long night in which I mourned a lot, I shed many tears and uncountable pieces of me were broken on this very night.
And the person responsible for all my grief sat safe and sound in front of me. I shifted my gaze unwillingly and saw my husband sitting behind the wheel, lost deeply in—God knows— whose thoughts. I looked at him with a broken gaze, a broken heart, thinking; it was impossible. I would never come back to this man’s world ever again. He gave me a glimpse of life with him and it was a painful glimpse. I wished it’ll end as quickly as it started because it is unbearable, he is unbearable. This man was born emotionless; he seems to be dancing on the funeral of my heart.
Look at him now, driving like a maniac in this downpour, controlling the steering wheel single handedly as he searched for something in his pocket and took out his phone. I watched as he checked for any missed calls and I think he had a few, ignoring them completely he switched it off and then repeated the process with his other phone. None of us had said a word ever since we left, only the sound of raindrops on the car’s surface or a sob escaping my lips were heard every now and then.
I wanted to know how long it had been since we left the hotel. My watch, I think I threw it in my bag and my pride didn’t allow me to ask him. So I sat there nerve wracked for what it seemed like half an hour. When those excruciatingly slow minutes passed, I realized that my house could not possibly be this far from the hotel.
I looked closely at the world outside, because of the wind and rain I couldn’t see much. My confused and stubborn eyes kept searching for a clue to assure me that my doubts are incorrect. But as my restless gaze fell upon a board that read ‘Jabal Ali’ I realized that with this despicable man even the wildest of my dreams can come true.
He tricked me… once again!
I turned left to right, hoping that I am wrong and that he wouldn’t stoop as low and lie to me again, but who was I kidding? He definitely lied to me and God knew where was he taking me now!
When I finally found my voice, it was shaky and afraid. “Where are we going?” I questioned. Not liking the quivering of my tone, I spoke again, louder and clearer. “Where the hell are you taking me?”
Silence was all I got in reply.
“Stop the car right now, you traitor.” I demanded but he didn’t listen. “Stop the car. Take me home, you promised me.” He seemed to be expecting such a reaction from me sooner or later, therefore he didn’t budge. As far as I was concerned, well I did, there was no button close to me that I hadn’t pressed to get out of the car and away from him, but he had locked all the doors. I tried shouting, yelling, begging and crying but nothing worked. He was unshakable.
Long after I had started, I gave up once again, and took my earlier position behind the passenger seat not before I punched it with all the fury I had. The tears that escaped my eyes, following the earlier ones, weren’t tears of sorrow; they were angry tears, disappointed tears.
“What have I done to you? Why are you doing this to me?” I sobbed. “You cruel, heartless man.” I blamed, slouching back in my chair and remained like that for a long time.
“We’re going to Abu Dhabi.” His voice finally came, after he’d seen me calm down, looks like he was waiting for this moment. “You and I were supposed to be travelling to Switzerland, and judging from the recent circumstances we can’t possibly make it to the flight.” He mocked, irritating me. This was no time to be sarcastic.
“I’d rather die than go anywhere with you.” I growled.
“I know how you feel, and trust me my feelings are the same but you have left yourself no other choice.” He said.
“You gave me no other choice.” I yelled and that was the last thing any of us said for as long as I could remember.
Time passed agonizingly slow and I looked up only when I felt the car coming to a halt, behind a few others. We were in front of another hotel now, which seemed to be quite busy at this time of the day.
“I am not going in there with you.” I announced, looking at the entrance far ahead of us.
“Look,” he began and unbelievably, I obeyed. He rested his head on the headrest and sighed. “I am sorry you have to go through this but there’s nothing I can do about it. We couldn’t afford staying in Dubai. I can’t risk people seeing us there.” His tone was low, like the look he had on when he first came to see me tonight.
“I am not going anywhere with you.” I repeated, on the verge of breaking down.
“It’d be better if you don’t make it so hard for yourself.” He said, opening his door and getting out. I planned to stay in the car for as long as it takes, until he would change his mind and eventually take me back home. But that was wishful thinking.
As he got out of the car, he’d spotted a bellman who came directly to him and took over the car keys. Another one opened the trunk and began to take the luggage out. Stuck in the middle, I started to feel awkward and eventually got out.
~*♥*
Zayed
Saturday- 5:10 AM
Standing in the lobby, guilt and anger was all that ran in Zayed’s veins instead of blood tonight. He was angry at himself for rushing into action without thinking everything through and at Mahra for her melodramatic reaction. At a moment like this he wanted her to assimilate his situation, to split his concerns in half instead of doubling them.
But she was not to be blamed – at least not completely. Surely Zayed was annoyed by her exaggerated emotional breakdown earlier and the names that she had called him, but some part of him was damaged by recalling her sobs and pleads that kept ringing in his ears over and over again, making him hesitant to go to her now. Zayed had seen people viewing him as a heartless person before, but today he proved it to himself too.
He’d broken three promises today, one that he made to his father; the other that he made to Mahra’s family, he’d assured them that he will take care of her no matter what but he hadn’t been true to his word. And third the promise that he made to her.
‘I will take her to her mother’s’ he said to himself ‘But not right now and not tonight.’
He looked up at the large clock in the lobby and noticed that he’d been here, avoiding her, for over an hour now. She must be alone in the room doing God knows what? His-responsible-self dragged his legs to the suite that he had booked. He had asked the bellboy to assist Mahra there without him accompanying them.
Tangled in a storm of thoughts, he didn’t realize how he’d gotten in the lift and reached the 16th floor where their suite was located.
Standing in front of the door, he placed his hand on the wall and sighed. Zayed waited for a while not wanting to face her again but he had to. In a few minutes, he entered the hotel card key in the door hatch and opened the door. Slowly, he got in and closed the door behind him.
He spotted Mahra sitting in the living room with her back to him. From the energy radiating from her, he knew it was the silence before the storm. He shouldn’t have spoken but unfortunately he did.
“It’s late. You should get some sleep.” His weak attempt of being nice; thereupon she twisted her head to look at him and her fury was shown clearly.
“What makes you think I’ll do whatever you ask?” She stood up.
“Well, until now you’ve been quite obedient.” Zayed retorted, inserting the card in his pocket and walking towards her.
His bravado trembled slightly when her next reply came. Angry, Mahra marched towards him, and stopped two steps away, ready to pounce at him any second; “You scoundrel. You bloody cheat.” She bellowed with rage.
“Watch your words.” Zayed warned, voice grave.
“I won’t.” She threw her hand in the air. “If you think that by bringing me here, you can cage me in this bloody room, then you are God Damn wrong, ‘cause I am not gonna stay here. I’ll tell Hamad to come and get me.”
Zayed peered at her with utter rage and disgust. He had never seen a woman speak to him this way.
“It’ll take him a few hours to get here, until then go get some sleep.” He spoke, turning away, trying to keep his calm which was getting harder and harder every minute.
As always his composure was what aggravated Mahra the most.
“Don’t tell me what do to, you deceitful bastard.” She yelled at the top of her lungs.
Zayed was headed to his room but as Mahra’s last words registered in his brain he turned to her like a bat out of hell and grabbed hold of her right elbow.
“What did you just say?” He demanded through gritted teeth.
Mahra saw some evil in those dark eyes and was unable to utter. Her face became red and her fear leapt over to him but Zayed did not budge. The man in him was satisfied by seeing his fear in her eyes.
“Let me go, you filthy coward.” Mahra broke free, throwing his hand away.
“It’s the last time I am telling you, watch your language when you are around me and don’t you dare raise your voice on me. Is that clear?” Zayed declared; his face deadly.
He was watching when she lowered her gaze. He never wanted to do this to her but she provoked him. Zayed could not stand anyone disrespecting him, let alone a woman who he barely knew, that’s why he needed to set some rules for her.
“You just wait,” Mahra stuttered, after finding her voice. Zayed noticed the tears that were glistering in her eyes. “If I don’t disgrace you in front of everyone you know, I swear to God, I won’t be my father’s daughter.” She threatened; her voice firm. “As soon as I am back home, I will tell everyone how great a man you really are. If I didn’t ruin you, I won’t rest in peace.”
Zayed smirked at the empty threats of this little girl. He found her very brave… naïve but brave.
Her poison like words had disturbed him, but he didn’t want to hurt her physically so he armed himself with his greatest weapon, his smart words, that can cut ones skin as if it’s paper.
“So all of this drama,” he began looking at Mahra who rubbed her elbow. “All of these tears and anger is because what you feel is one sided? Because I don’t like you.” He said mater-of-factly, pretending to be confused.
At first Mahra was tongue-tied, staring at him, completely baffled. Soon after she recovered and began; “I don’t like you,” She took a step back, and a tear-drop fell from her eye. “I have never liked you.” She retreated. “I hate you, I hate you more than I have ever hated anyone. Whatever people said about you was wrong. You’re a heartless monster; you can never make anyone happy.” She jerked and stopped as she hit the sofa behind her.
Zayed saw her falling weakly on the sofa and sobbing. “You’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to me in my life.” She cried and hid her face in her hands.
Zayed couldn’t stand watching her there so he left the room.
~*♥*
7:57 AM
“You’re coffee sir,” was the voice of the waiter that pulled Zayed out of his trail of thoughts.
There was a café in the hotel in which Zayed sat. It was empty but as the sun rose higher and higher the place began to get busier every minute.
This was the place where he could stay away from Mahra and the problems that she brought along with her. He had to think…think about what to do next. All that had happened so far was unplanned, but for some reason he’d known the ending of this journey before he even took the first step.
Zayed thanked the waiter, who placed the cup of coffee on the table, without glancing up at him. His thoughts had gone to Hamad. If Mahra really did tell her brother about what he’d done to her, will Hamad still keep their relationship unfazed by what had happened? Will he still be interested in Mona? Will the relationship between the two families be unaffected?
If not, then all that he has done will go to waste, the sacrifices, the headaches all of it. And the consequences of his actions will ruin things even further.
There must be a solution.
A strange thought brushed him but he denied it.
‘I can’t.’ he told himself. He knew he could never love her!
Zayed stood up feeling the need to breathe in some fresh air, leaving his coffee untouched, he left the hotel.
But little did he know that the mess that he had created; couldn’t be left behind. It was a prison of misery where both he and Mahra were jailed.
Before leaving, he had a word with the receptionist, asking him to disconnect the telephone up in his room.
~*♥*
For over three hours, Zayed kept lingering in the streets of Abu Dhabi in his car. The skies had cleared for now but more clouds were yet to come tonight.
It was nearly twelve in the afternoon, when he came back to the hotel. He was handing over his keys to the valet parking when a familiar voice called his name.
“Zayed.” He heard, from behind him and turned to see the person he was least expecting. A quick smile visited his lips like a guest in a hurry. His addressee had the same bright reaction upon seeing Zayed’s face. “What a coincidence?!” The man said, moving closer to shake hands with him.
“Saami,” Zayed greeted, pretending to show his old friend the same amount of enthusiasm, and fortunately succeeded. “Ya Marhabba, How are you?” He asked about his health and inquired about his families well-being, with a warm handshake.
“Alhamdulillah, they are all well. What are you doing in Abu Dhabi?” Sami asked. Zayed tried to ignore his question and answered it with another question of his own.
“I should be asking you the same thing.” Zayed remembered seeing him the last time in college. Sami had plans to start a business in his hometown, Palestine. “How long have you been here? Why haven’t you called to inform me?”
“If I were alone Wallah I would, but I’ve brought my wife with me for some change of weather.” Sami admitted, grinning ear-to-ear. Cars and people moved around both of them but they were too intrigued to notice.
“Masha Allah, you got married?” asked Zayed, surprised. It had only been nine months since he last saw him in the USA.
“Yes, six months ago.” Sami informed, with a sheepish smile.
“Mabrook Ya’l ghali, (Congrats man) Rabbi yes’adak.” Zayed gave his friend his well wishes.
“Teslam habibi, (Thanks bro) and what brings you here to Abu Dhabi?”
Zayed took a while before answering his question. Try he may but there was no running away from reality.
“I’ve brought my wife here too, for our…” He paused. “For our honeymoon.” Zayed finished reluctantly, trying hard to hide his fatigue. Wearing the same clothes and having had no sleep last night, he must not look like he is out on his honeymoon!
“Masha Allah, Masha Allah Alf Alf Mabrook, ‘Assa Rabbi yehaneeko.” Sami in return wished his friend his best, with a delighted, joyful energy.
“Allah yebarak fee hayatak.”
“You look like a groom too.” Sami joked.
This made Zayed laugh, not that he wanted to, but the irony of that sentence made him chuckle out loud. “Teslam. (Thank you) ” He was going to say more but as he laughed, he remembered a crying Mahra inside this very building and so his smile faded.
“Yallah Ya Sami, I’ll ask for your leave now. I’ve left my bride inside alone.” He said, faking a good mood.
“Oh yes, of course. Forgive me for keeping you.”
“I’ll see you around then,” Zayed said, taking a step backwards. “How long are you staying?”
“Two more days and then back to Palestine.” Sami informed and Zayed nodded.
“Yallah Habibi,” he shook his hand. “See you soon.”
They said farewell and set a time to meet again at dinner.
~*♥*
Zayed opened the suite’s door slowly and carefully, and got in without making any sound. He turned to look at the sofa where he had last seen Mahra crying but she wasn’t there now. With low and exhausted steps he made his way to the main bed room, which Mahra had left empty. She must be in the other bed room, he predicted.
He closed the room’s door behind him and walked up to the master bed. His distressed mind and weary body demanded him to lie down and sleep but he got up to pray. As he entered the bathroom his eyes fell upon his reflection in the mirror. His face looked drained of color and eyes extremely tired.
He remembered yesterday from the beginning, from meeting Hamad, to Jenaan and the wedding, none of which had been cheering. No wonder he’d looked drained now.
Seeking forgiveness from his God, he started performing ablution and intended to pray for guidance.
After performing his dhur prayer, he lay down, seeking some peace from this harmonious noise in his brain. But the stubborn sobs of Mahra, wouldn’t escape his ears. The torturous well-wishes of his mother kept banging at the walls of his heart and the hopeful words of his father – worse than all – they kept draining his dreams away from his eyes and so he was sleepless.
~*♥*
Mahra
In the midst of my cries, I heard him leave. I heard the door open and close and so closed all my outlets. I sat there, disappointed, shedding more tears than I have ever shed in my entire life. Long after, when my head was about to burst, I persuaded myself to stop, because the pain was unbearable.
As I wiped my tears away, a new thought hit me, and I broke into sobs again. I had no one to protect me, no one to offer me their shoulder to cry upon; no one to tell me that things will be okay. I pitied myself, and the worst phase in one’s life is when they pity their own poor selves.
I looked around and the huge place seemed to be haunting me, with nothing but the sound of my sighs and cries, it was heartbreaking. He’d caged me in his own prison; before I was as free as a bird but now he’s cut my wings. I feel like he enjoys closing me in his fist, it makes him feel superior. What man wouldn’t enjoy that?
I shook my head at the thought and slowly tried to get up, searching for a place where I wouldn’t get to see him easily. Turning around, my eyes saw a small corridor, with two closed doors on each side. I walked and opened the door on my left, my eyes blinked, settling with the light that bore into the room from the large windows. The room was uncomfortably bright, which didn’t suit my mood. I needed a place where I couldn’t even see myself, some place dark. I closed the door shut and turned to the room on my right.
The next room was dimly lit, with a middle-sized bed placed in the heart of the room. Without considering twice I got in and sat on the bed. I waited but there were no more tears now, and in the deafening silence I could literally hear my head throbbing. It hurt.
I placed my head on the pillow and drifted away to a deep sleep.
~*♥*
10:02 PM
My eyes flipped open because of the awful pain in my stomach. I realized I was hungry; I hadn’t eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. With more power than usually needed, I sat straight and my head spun, blackening my sight. I held my head with both hands and pulled up my knees. Staying like that for a while, I noticed a difference and got up.
I lit the bed-side lamp and looked around for a clock to tell time, but there was none in this room. My eyes fell upon the curtains and I walked up to them. As I drew the curtains, there was no sight of the sun and darkness had spread all over us. It was night time, which meant that I had slept all day. I saw rain drops falling from the slightly red sky. Had it been raining all day?
I remembered how happy I would normally be by seeing rain but today was not a normal day. Today Hamad won’t take me to the nearest café or I won’t be painting the garden in my painting room.
Today was different.
I got out of the room and saw the door of the next room open, which meant that that filthy piece of crap had still not arrived. Which was good, I didn’t want to face him.
In the living room I found a clock hanging on the wall, it read 10:10 PM. Just beside it was a large painting, in front of which our luggage was placed. As my eyes fell upon my handbag, I remembered my phone and rushed over to get it. My heartbeats quickened as I saw one way of freedom right before my eyes. I was going to call Hamad and he’d come and take me right now. He must have called me several times already.
But who were we kidding? It was my luck, my infamous fortune! Things weren’t supposed to work out for me because my phone’s battery was dead. After several attempts of turning it on, I stood up. Still carrying my useless phone, I spotted the hotels phone sitting on a table nearby. The first number that came to my mind was Hamad’s, I quickly dialed it and as I waited for it to ring, it didn’t work. Trying again I learned that the line was cut.
My blood started to boil beneath my skin with fury and without thinking I threw my phone away, not intending it to break but it hit the wall and broke into many pieces anyway. Another loss!
Heedless, I left the pieces there and carried my stuff to my room. As I sat on the bed, several feelings took over me, anger, disappointment and even fear. I was afraid of the silence and darkness spread all over the place.
Gathering some courage, I entered the bathroom to take a bath. I spent hours under the shower, letting the warm water sooth my nerves and ease my internal chaos. Once done I walked out and put on a long skirt. To cover my arms, I topped it up with a grey sweater that I brought as a spare piece. I didn’t want to wear it, but the worst looking dress in my collection was the jalabia that I already wore. I didn’t bring ugly clothes to my ‘Honeymoon’. Who does that?
My body still felt weak because of lack of food. My legs took me to the kitchen. It was next to the main door. I entered, spotting the refrigerator and opened it to find some drinks and snacks there. Randomly, I pulled a cocktail juice and poured it in a glass.
I drank and realized how very thirsty I had been. Leaving the empty glass on the kitchen counter, food was the next thought that crossed my mind but I was in no mood to sit and eat.
Just like the main bedroom, the living room had large windows through which the world – ignorant to my sorrow – could be seen. I turned off a few lights and stood next to the window to look outside at the rain.
Silence was the head of all voices in that dark room. I didn’t like the loneliness, but I appreciated being left alone for now. Because if I saw someone and they asked me, how I was, what would I say? That the man everyone thought was right, isn’t right! And that I pray that he divorces me at this very moment, on the first day of our wedding. Where would I begin and how would I begin!
The thought brought tears to my worn out eyes.
As if he was reading my thoughts, the door clicked, and I saw him enter. I froze like every other time, I have encountered him. He hadn’t spotted me right away, but as he turned his eyes fell upon me, standing next to the windows.
There was a long pause before he did or said anything else, and my mind used this time to finally be able to function. I remembered to cover my head. If my future plans were to divorce this man then why uncover my head in front of him in the first place. Fortunately there was a scarf hanging from my neck, I used that.
My act took me back to the first time I had ever seen him. Something like this had happened then too. But I wasn’t the same person anymore neither was he.
“Are you planning on performing an evil ritual in this darkness?” He complained his tone unpleased. I watched him walk towards the switch and turn the lights on.
“I was wishing the dark spirits would take you away from my life.” I replied, bluntly.
“Wishful thinking!” He murmured loud enough for me to hear. At that moment, there was a knock at the door and he opened it.
It was room service. A man entered, pushing a trolley of food inside.
“Serve the food on the table for the lady.” I heard my man speak, with his back to me. The server placed the food on the table in the living room and left.
Zayed closed the door behind him, “How long you think you’re gonna keep me here?” I demanded.
He turned to face me, eyes dead like a statue; “Eat something.” He ordered and without another word he went into the room.
~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*~*♥*
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