Today is the first real sunny day since I've been here. Seattle smiles at me with an unusual warmth, giving a delightful feeling of spring as a gentle breeze makes the leaves dance on the tree branches. I find myself staring at them, completely dazed, as I slowly dry the ceramic cups with a soft cotton cloth.
For the past five days my mind has been brooding. Clouded and constantly grinding thoughts, twisted together in the background of my mind. Even doing the things here at work seem difficult, the same things I do on autopilot every day, with my mind constantly plagued.
Stone and the guys were out of town for most of the week, so I've unfortunately had a lot, probably too much time to think and ramble with my mind, all alone with work as the only distraction.
Ever since the night Eddie and I talked, my mind persistently kept going back to that moment. Feeding a certain frightening awareness of something I just don't want to admit, writhing on itself without finding rest. The ridiculous attempt to ignore my thoughts, to divert them from returning to what I felt when he looked at me like that, is starting to seem pathetic to me, too.
Despite my best efforts to pretend otherwise, the harsh truth is that I can't stop thinking about him. About his eyes, blue as the clearest ocean. About his lips and the sweet features of his face. About our hands, touching so gently.
I shake my head in denial. These thoughts make me feel so uncomfortable and absolutely illegitimate to have them, even guilty someway. We barely know each other, I'm not even sure if he likes me or not and, more importantly, he has a girlfriend. I can't allow myself to have such thoughts about him.
But my heart and my mind are in the ring, beating the shit out of each other.
"Knock it off." I whisper to myself, in a moment of optimistic clarity that will certainly last a breath.
The ringing of the doorbell suddenly brings me back, causing me to look at the girl who is entering the diner like my lifeline, just to shut my brain off for a while. She looks around a bit disoriented, straightening her shirt before sitting at a table. Moving a strand of red hair behind the ear in a shy, slight gesture, she takes the menu and looks at it with vague attention.
I approach her, cordially smiling with a carafe filled with some fresh made coffee in my hand.
"Hello, welcome to Meg's. You want some coffee while you decide?"
The girl turns to me a little confused, as if she had just woken up from a long, deep sleep.
"Yes, I'd like some coffee. Thanks."
Her big dark eyes are pointing into mine, but they're not really looking at me. Surrounded by two gray circles, they look heavy.
"Are you ok?" I spontaneously ask, a bit hesitant. Maybe I've been a bit bold, hope I was not annoyingly intrusive.
"Yeah," she nods "I just haven't slept much since I moved here. Dealing with big life changes is exhausting."
The pale skin highlights the many freckles on her face and I'm hit by a wave of blatant melancholy. I feel like I'm talking to the younger version of me.
"I too know something about it.", I smirk. "You know, it gets better."
She gently blows on the hot drink and then takes a sip, keeping her eyes fixed on the bottom of the cup.
"I hope so." she tiredly smiles. "I'm still trying to get used to having to face all this alone, you know."
I immediately empathize with her. The sad smile on her face makes me sigh slightly and it's impossible for me to ignore the feeling of warmth I have in my heart thinking about how lucky I was. Meeting Stone and his persistence was the best thing that could happen to me.
"Believe me, I couldn't understand you more."
Maybe I was presumptuous without realizing it when I told her it would get better.
With a smile of circumstance I decide to leave her alone to enjoy her coffee in peace. As the introverted person I am I think it's the best choice for her, but part of me believes that this girl needs everything but being left alone.
So I talk without thinking too much, approaching her table again.
"Listen, some friends of mine have invited me to a concert tonight. What would you say about joining us?" I ask with a smile, trying to be reassuring. "Could be a good opportunity to meet new people and make some friends."
She looks at me for a moment then lowers again her eyes on the coffee, this time with a little smile on her face.
"I don't know, I mean...I don't want to be a bother."
"The only bother could be Stone, but I swear he's a good guy." I say holding back a little laugh, mockingly. "I'm Sarah, by the way."
She shakes my hand, but her gesture is limp and unconvinced.
"Iris."
* * *
"She should have been here by now..." I say in sigh, looking around while the evening breeze makes me pull up the collar of my denim jacket. Jeff is sitting on the sidewalk playing with his shoe strings as Stone is leaning against a wall with hands in his pockets, looking at me with a certain subdued annoyance. This silence punctuated by just some sighs begins to make me feel terribly guilty: the concert venue is far away from here and I dont want them to be late because of me. After all, inviting that girl was my idea.
"Do you think she'll even show up?" Stone asks me, even more annoyed.
"I'm sure she'll be here any minute..."
Or at least I hope. I don't want to listen to Stone blaming me all night for missing the beginning of the concert...but now we've been waiting a while and no sign of her.
She probably changed her mind, maybe I was a little pushy and dared too much to ask her to join us tonight. I, with my personality, probably wouldn't have accepted. But as I shrug my shoulders in the knowledge that this was just a time wasting, I glimpsed a girl crossing the street at a brisk pace, walking towards us in a green beanie.
"Sorry I'm late! Have you been waiting long?"
Her fire-colored hair stands out in the twilight of this spring evening, a little messed up by haste. I'm glad to see that Iris decided to join us. Maybe I didn't make a bad impression after all.
"Just for a few minutes, don't worry." I smile in a sigh of relief, and can't decide if I'm happier to see that she has decided to join us or to know that Stone won't poisoning me all night with his criticism. "Iris, this is Jeff."
Strangely, he doesn't talk. He just watches her with a little faded look, as if he had seen the first dawn of his life.
"Nice to meet you." Iris smiles, reaching out to him and politely introducing herself. He, as awakened from a spell, stands up and cleans one hand by rubbing it on his blue pants in a clumsy gesture, right before shakes hers shily smiling in turn. Jeff utters his name in a choked-up whisper, only to immediately cough to clear his voice and make himself more comprehensible. As I observe them in silence for a few seconds, I suddenly have the strangest feeling of almost being intruding.
"And this is Stone." I say then, a bit hesitant and interrupting the moment.
"We were starting to lose hope." he says, smiling and shaking her hand. "Well, I guess we're finally good to go. If we leave now, maybe we can get there in time to see the beginning."
His tone of voice is imbued with his usual sarcasm, veiled accusatory towards Iris and her delay. She just looks down and her babble is interrupted by my hand on her shoulder.
"Don't mind him. I told you the bother wouldn't be you."
The forty minutes by car are marked by the succession of some Sonic Youth's songs, at a very high volume and interrupted only occasionally by short conversations. During one of the rare moments of silence, Iris speaks.
"Thank you for inviting me. I hope it wasn't a problem for you to add one more person."
"No worries," Jeff says, turning his head a little towards us in the back seat "we were supposed to be four actually, but Eddie pulled out last minute."
Suddenly I feel a knot in my stomach. So he was supposed to join us, tonight?
"Why didn't he come?" I ask vaguely, pretending that just hearing his name had not slightly made my heart leap.
"He didn't tell. Probably had some other plans, I don't know."
I silently look back out the window, watching the white stripes on the asphalt flow fast one after the other while my mind still floats. For just a second I think that, maybe, he didn't come to avoid me. Why would he give up a Neil Young concert otherwise?
The closer we get to the venue the more traffic becomes intense, making it very difficult to find a parking spot. A long line of people stands along the sidewalk, patiently queued to buy the tickets.
"God, it'll be impossible to get in before the concert starts...always assuming there are still tickets available." I say, mumbling to myself.
"Tickets?" Jeff asks, looking back again and smirking, "We don't need them. I know someone."
* * *
The arena where the concert takes place is much bigger than I expected. This excitement and sense of community that are in the air before a concert are two of the most beautiful sensations that can be experienced. It's like feeling part of a big family, gathered to share a couple of hours of fun and wonder.
Sonic Youth have finished their set and Neil has been performing for over two hours and a half with Dark Horse, in a crescendo of intensity. Every song is like a fifteen-twenty-minute jam, and not tired of this almost three-hour session we are still enchanted.
"Are you having fun?" I ask Iris, finding on her face a nice relaxed smile while she nods happily.
At this very moment I feel a sense of peace and lightness that I haven't felt for a long time. I think I could get used to these live music nights with friends.
As I watch the musicians swaying my head to the rythm, my view of the stage gets blocked by Jeff's head approaching Stone's. Despite the loud music and the voices of people around us, I distinctly hear him asking a question right after taking a sip of his beer.
"What about 'Pearl Jam' ?"