"How do we kill him?" Sadira said, clenching her fists and slamming them into the water.
"That lying, conniving, fopdoodle of a bedswerver!" Derek growled. "I don't care how we do it as long as it's painful."
Tressa's eyes flashed. "I vote we boil him in oil. Quick and agonizing."
"Wouldn't drowning be better?" Kai asked.
"Why, because you want to do it?" Layyin accused.
Kai slapped her tail on the water's surface, sending a splash across the room. Half the jacuzzi emptied in the process.
"My hair," Tressa shrieked. "Do you know how long it takes to dry this mop?" She jumped out of the jacuzzi and grabbed a towel.
"If you don't like it, why don't you chop it off?" Derek said.
"Because it's my thing! It's all I have," she spat.
"Sensitive much?" Derek teased.
"I'm the sensitive one," Layyin snapped. "That's my thing. And my vote is for trampling him." She grinned. "So many bruises that way."
Blanche: "No, too messy. Poison is the way to go. It's painful, and there's no blood to clean up afterward."
Everyone began arguing simultaneously, tossing out murder scenarios. One thing was for sure—royals had endless ideas about the best way to kill people. Her head swam, both from wine and the din echoing off the hard surfaces in the room. Instead of the voices of six people, it sounded like a torch-wielding mob of villagers, hungry for blood.
Ashley held up her arm. "Wait, maybe we should slow down and let one person speak at a time?"
No one heard her because, at this point, the spouting of murderous strategies grew to a fever-pitch. Ashley held her head in her hands.
"Please!" Sadira clapped her hands. The room quieted. "Ashley's right. It's impossible to plot a good murder when we're all acting like beef-witted pignuts. And while we're at it, can we please turn off that horrible music?" Sadira said, rotating her hands in an impressive, complex, mystical-looking gesture.
Ed Sheeran stopped singing. But this never happened. It was a continuous loop. "How did you do that?" Ashley said.
"Fairy magic."
Ashley's eyebrows drew together. "You're a fairy?"
"Of course not. But my three fairy godmothers gave me 'voice-control over annoying magical spells' for my birthday this year."
"You're lucky," Kai said. "Wish I had a fairy godmother. All I have is an anxiety-filled flounder and a bossy crab."
Sadira sipped her wine. "I asked for the power of invisibility or the ability to time-travel, so it was a little disappointing, to be honest. They always told me not to rely upon magic to fix my problems. But I'm fairly certain they're just stingy about sharing their powers."
Three fairy godmothers? It was as if a knife sliced through Ashley's heart. Not only did Sadira have three fairy godmothers, but they were still with her. Why didn't they have new assignments from the head office? Ashley refilled her glass and guzzled. Then filled and guzzled it again. The room spun. Wine sloshed in her stomach. But now the fairy godmother news didn't hurt quite so bad.
Some part of her knew this shouldn't be her focus right now.
Her entire world had just swung on its axis. For so long, she'd thought the problem in her marriage was her. If only she were sexier, smarter, more regal, could fly a unicorn. But now she knew that no matter how hard she tried, it would've never been enough. It was all happening too fast.
"Look, Ashley, I can see you're sad. But know that I messed up with my fairy godmothers. I sent them away. Because ... well, it doesn't matter now; it seems I made a terrible mistake. But, sorry, you had something you wanted to say?" Sadira said.
"That's sad about your fairy godmothers, Sadira. Truly. What I wanted to ask was, are we sure? I mean, before we kill him, we better be 100% positive he's lying, cheating, scum."
"There are seven princes with identical scars, who hang out with the same evil magician, suck in bed, are always questing, and give their spouses heart-shaped jacuzzis as a wedding gift. That is pretty compelling evidence."
"Maybe they're brothers," Ashley offered. "Or, perhaps Marveloni put a spell on Charming, and he doesn't even know he's married to 7 people."
"Way more feasible," Derek said.
Ashley nodded. "I'm glad you agree."
"That was sarcasm, dear. Why are you protecting him? He's made you unhappy. Used you. Abandoned you."
"I'm devastated," Ashley said. "But murder is so ... final. We could always kill him later if it turns out he's as much a scoundrel as it appears he is. Murder can't be reversed."
"Oh, it can," Layyin said. "I've known a few zombies. Hey, turning him into a zombie would be a great way to go. He'd have to obey us."
"Or eat our brains," Blanche scoffed.
"Or maybe, I don't know; we talk to him first," Ashley said.
"You are either excessively sweet," Tressa said, "or excessively naïve."
"She did fall off a unicorn yesterday," Kai said. "Maybe she has a concussion."
"The real question is, why did she get on a unicorn in the first place?" Tressa said, swiveling toward Ashley. "Why did you?"
"Because all princesses fly unicorns. I was trying to learn. To be more like you. More adept. Cultured." Laughter echoed off the walls. "What's so funny?"
"Princesses don't fly unicorns. It's utterly uncivilized." Sadira said.
Tressa's eyes widened. "People on the ground can look up your skirts!"
"And falling would be painful," Layyin added. She gestured at Ashley. "I mean, look at her. Didn't do her any good."
"Who told you princesses fly unicorns?" Derek said.
"Charming. Marveloni. I thought ..."
Derek wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Someone is trying to kill you, darling."
"So, none of you flies unicorns?"
They shook their heads.
Ashley gritted her teeth and had an overwhelming desire to punch something. Or someone. "How about death by unicorn goring?" she suggested.
Everyone cheered.
Because at this point, everyone but Kai had waterlogged fingertips and toes, they decided to get out of the jacuzzi to continue the discussion on the couches overlooking the Charming statue-laden garden. Ashley called for coffee, sandwiches, a large rectangle of parchment, a quill, and ink, then sent the servants away.
The coffee and sandwiches helped clear Ashley's mind and calmed her need for violence. The unicorn-goring idea, even though it would be momentarily fulfilling, didn't sit well with her. It was hard to change from being a kind-hearted, forgiving doormat to a cruel, murderous ninja in the space of an hour. One needed time to adjust one's priorities. Maybe take ninja lessons.
She clanged on her coffee cup with a sugar spoon. The royals faced her. "I've been thinking about the murder plan, and I don't think it's the best solution."
"But we agreed!" Kai pouted.
"Let's hear her out," Sadira said.
Layyin selected a sandwich and wrinkled her brow. "Is this bread gluten-free?"
"Huh?" Ashley said.
"Gluten gives me stomach cramps."
Tressa laughed. "So, you're sensitive inside and outside?"
"I have food allergies. That's all. And bee allergies. Don't even ask what happens to me when I get stung. It's a total horror show!"
Ashley blew out a breath. "Honestly, Layyin, I have no idea. Maybe just eat the filling to be safe. I'm sorry. I didn't know you had food issues."
"That's okay," Layyin said, extracting bits of meat.
Ashley cleared her throat. "Okay, in my opinion killing Charming is letting him off too easy. He's made us suffer. Some of you have endured his disloyalty for years."
"Go on," Derek said, choosing an egg sandwich. "This is getting interesting."
"What I think is instead of killing him, we should destroy him."
"Me likey," Derek said. "How would that work?"
"It's simple. We take away Charming's favorite things."
"Brilliant," Blanche said.
Ashley's entire body warmed at the compliment. "Thanks. We can start by making a list of his favorite things. Everything that feeds his ego and defines him. And go from there."
And so, for the next couple of hours, while the moon marched across the night sky, and the bell from the cathedral struck, announcing the passing hours, the royal spouses came up with a list of Charming's eleven favorite things:
1. Questing
2. Appearance
3. Sex
4. Magician
5. Wealth
6. Title
7. Fawning fanbase
8. Athletic Prowess (Inter-Kingdom Games)
9. Narcissistic artwork
10. Sanity—sense of superiority and being in control
11. Freedom
"Now, we need a plan on how to take them away," Sadira said. "What do you think, Ashley?"
"I think some will be easier than others. But the most important thing is that we have a way to communicate with one another. Pigeons can be ..." Ashley could barely speak thinking about poor Domino, "unreliable."
"That won't be a problem," Blanche said. "We'll use mirror technology."
"Mirror technology?" Ashley said.
"Do you even read Princess Monthly?" Layyin said.
"She was interviewed in the last issue, Layyin. Didn't you read it?" Derek said. "Great photo, by the way."
"Thank you," Ashley said, cringing as she realized all these people would have read her interview. "And yes, I do read it."
"Check the ads in the back," Layyin said. "There are tons of them for magical mirrors.
"Okay," Ashley said.
"Anyway," Blanche said, "I inherited my magical mirror from my stepmother. It's a handy device. Although she wasted its potential. All she cared about was being the 'fairest in the land.'"
"I read about that in your interview," Ashley said. "She sounded horrible. Wanting to cut your heart out. That's dark. I'm so sorry."
"She did get what she deserved in the end. But that's ancient history. I have the mirror now, and it's got so many more applications than sycophancy. If each of us has a mirror, we'll be able to communicate in real-time."
"Perfect," Blanche said. "So, where do we start?"
Ashley reviewed the list. "Well, cutting off his sex is pretty easy."
Kai giggled. "Awesome idea, Ash! Wish I have thought of cutting off his sex. It's the perfect solution. Eye for an eye and all that. Love it!"
"What? No, I didn't mean that literally. Like cutting off his ..." Ashley winced.
"Tallywacker," Tressa said. "And I hereby relinquish my boiling-in-oil idea. Let's totally cut off his tallywacker."
Ashley sipped her now ice-cold coffee. It was actually delicious cold. "Guys, I was thinking something less grisly. More along the lines of making a pact not to have sex with him ever again. When he stops by, we can all have headaches or rashes or ghastly breath." The other six spouses sat in silence with hunched postures. Ashley hated taking away their joy; plus, she needed their cooperation. "Look, we can always cut it off later, right?"
Cheers erupted. Crisis averted.
"If we can't cut off anything vital, maybe our first task should be toying with his sanity," Derek said. "Do you know about his book?" The princesses shook their heads. "I found it one time. He freaked out, and he told me he was working on a novel. I could tell he was lying."
"What was in it?" Tressa said.
"It had the names of the kingdoms and then lists of likes and dislikes—foods, flowers, gifts, it also had birthdays, allergies, on and on—hundreds of facts. Now I realize they were about us. He has the book to keep us straight."
"Poor prince. Must've been quite the strain," Sadira sneered.
"Well, then," Layyin said, "are we going to steal that book?"
Blanche chewed a cucumber sandwich. "We don't need to. If we learn these facts about each other and swap likes and dislikes, he'll go crazy."
"All right, then. Tomorrow the 'learn all about each other' class will be in session. We should probably get some sleep," Sadira said, setting her cup on to the silver tray.
"I'm sure your rooms are all sorted by now," Ashley said, eyes aching with exhaustion. She didn't quite see how learning about each other's likes and dislikes would have enough impact on Charming. Who cared if he brought someone the wrong flowers? There had to be a more impactful punishment. If her brain parts hadn't been rattled loose from the fall, pickled in chardonnay, and rolled in a cornmeal crust of disappointment and loss, surely Ashley would come up with a better solution.
The royals departed, and Ashley took one last look out the window. Beyond the garden, the sunrise was a streak of pink velvet peeking above the horizon. A bird flew down from the jasmine-wrapped pergola and landed atop the golden statue of Prince Charming.
"Domino!" Ashley cried.
Domino must've eaten rye bread on her way home. Thick globs of white dripped down the statue, making decent headway on item #9 on the list of Charming's favorite things.
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This chapter, I hereby dedicate to LittleChillax, for the profusion of comments, which have made my weekend so much better! Thank you so much!!!!
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