We were devastated with the news that a young beautiful mother who gave birth to a healthy baby of seven months died from bleeding. She and her husband were my childhood neighbors and church mates before. She's very young in her early thirties, her husband was a friend to my younger brother. I asked him how is he, he said he was crying inconsolably and still shocked with the loss.
"Step 2: We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
- Celebrate Recovery Daily Devotional
I cannot sleep the other day. I know my own time is also running out. Pastor Peter said he is more inclined to going to funerals rather than going to birthdays. Death is inevitable but it reminds us the brevity of human life. Life is indeed short, we do not know when and how. Pastor added that on one of his birthdays, he tried to jump out of a plane with his wife Deona. He said jumping out of the plane was like death, the fear of death and even the sting of death will never go away but we have the assurance that Jesus will carry us through. Yes Jesus will carry us through from death to life.
I have learned that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting same results. It is now about time for me to learn sanity.
"Insanity in this context is "doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different result each time." Sanity on the other hand, may be defined as "wholeness of mind; making decisions based on truth.""
- Day 4 Daily Devotional, Celebrate Recovery Bible
That I went from one wrong relationship to another. From one wrong financial choices to another. I went on sleeping with men I hardly knew. Only to find out in the end some of them were hooked on illegal drugs. I could have been killed or physically abused. The list goes on and on simply because I do not know what I value most, what really matters in life.
Like I said even if I am starting all over again with my celebrate recovery bible. But with Glorious Hope recovery program were almost finished and we are now on Step 11.
"We sought to improve our conscious contact with God through prayer and meditation."
- Glorious Hope Recovery is for everybody. Participant's Workbook 3 Yellow 2017 Edition
So how do I step out of the never ending cycle of my insanity? I have to replace them. How? First I have to ask God for wisdom and second for Power. Everything is inter connected. Before I can really apply this in action, I have to go back to Principle one - face my denial, admit my powerlessness to do the wrong things and stop escaping the reality that my life have become, continues to become unmanageable. While second Principle is my journey towards recovery.
"First, we are to pray for the knowledge of God's will for us, rather than asking God to fulfill our requests and submit to our will for ourselves. Praying to understand God's will is a way of relinquishing control to Him. It makes God the focus, the purpose, the direction, and the reason for our recovered lives. We come to a wonderful place of peace and serenity when our greatest desire and motive is to know what God wants us to do.
Second, we are to pray for the power to carry out God's will. It is pretty clear that faith in God will give us the power we need to carry out His will. But we must not misunderstand the nature of the trust and faith we need to have. Faith does not mean feeling more trust; it means taking action as a result of our trust in God, rather than doing nothing because we're letting God take over our lives. When God takes over our lives, we don't retire; rather, we are called to action."
-pages 315 to 316 The Book of Life Recovery, Inspiring Stories and Biblical Wisdom for Your Journey through the Twelve Steps by Stephen Afterburn and David Stoop
I mapped it out on the fine pages of my organizer planner. It will now be used finally, as before I hoard and greed for more and more organizers, planers, notebooks no matter how expensive and numerous they are. But I still ended in debt and disorganized.
So this is my first humble attempt towards my own sanity.
First I set out my mission in life - I want someday when God brings me home I want to hear God saying "welcome my good and faithful servant, enter the joy of your Master." That I have to go and make disciple who will in turn make disciples. I have to be aligned to the movement of the church I am a member of. But come to think of it, it is not the church but the heart of Jesus. Jesus came to serve and not to be served. We were all bought with a price - with His precious blood. Once and for all.
"To honor God and make Christ-committed followers who will make Christ-committed followers."
- Christ's Commission Fellowship, What we believe.
Second, if I say it with my heart that I want to honor God. I have to ask my self what do I value most? What is really important to me? When I looked at the mapping of my quadrant of Urgent, Not Urgent, Important and Not Important. I need a rehab...
Mindless scrolling through social media on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. I kept on anxiously looking at the views, visits, likes and reach of my blogs on Wordpress and Tumbler. My addiction to iPhone have eaten much of my day and most of my days. If I eat, Netflix was my companion but there are occasions I watch Pastor Peter's sermon on YouTube. Blackberry was another culprit as I aimlessly check my work mails from time to time. No wonder I was restless and anxious even just with the thought of going to the office. I keep the excuse of just checking if people in the office are ok. Next is messenger, the unconscious frequent checks even the unnecessary of who's online and been online within minutes, days and the hours. I stalked Kevin on Facebook, I searched for his name on Safari browsers. I will go to other browsers like Chrome and Google as if I will get anything from there either. All of these insanity along with the constant interruptions of Blackberry work, Calendar, Tasks, Reminders, Yahoo mail notifications. Crazy! Crazy...
Since all of these have eaten the Urgent and Important habits. All that matters were moved to Not Urgent Not Important. Without much communication with my adopted daughter, it came with no surprise she found attention and love from a lesbian relationship. My longing for sensual even sexual intimacy that draws deep from my thirst of intimacy with my Maker resulted to wrong immoral relationships with men half my age. I was always late to meetings, calls and I have unmanageable time away from and in the office. I am like a zombie seated there in my fabulous cubicle beside the glass window with the view of the trees and the sky - numb, tasteless, like a ticking bomb waiting to explode.
It is not as important whether I have followers or viewers. What is more important is that I pray even for that one single person who will read this story. Now I realized that it doesn't really matter what people will say or approve of me. What is foundational and truth is God's approval and Words. What matters most in life is not me and them, but it's between me and God. That it is not so much what will people see in me outwardly in public, but how God's view of my heart in private. That God looks at the heart, the inner being, not the outward man.
I learned from this recovery that obsessive compulsive behaviors are a result of underlying unattended self issues. Over time I have cultivated a wall of coping and defense mechanisms that all became a defect in my character. It's about time I allow Jesus to break down those walls I have built and hold on to for the longest time. To trust Him in the process of taking away those defects of my character and replace them with Wisdom of His Words and the Power of His Holy Spirit so I can carry out the changes in my life.
Not urgent but very Important - I have to start with God, cultivate now new Godly disciplines like prayer, reading His Words in the bible, meditation and quiet time. I have to make priority for relationship, first and foremost with my daughter before everything is too late. I should be thankful that she still wants to go to church with me, even her mother, my youngest sister. I also need to revisit how I use my time at work, even what I do at home if I go for work from home. As they say discipline is who I am and what I do even if no one is looking. That I need to be consistent so these disciplines become a habit if not, second nature for me to learn and learn, improve for the better such as continue with my online courses and reading books on creative writing. Health is also my top most priority, not to miss out my yoga prayer and stepper. If I have time I should also take holidays and go to the beach for my Vitamin SEA.
For crises, like health issues. I have to go back and see my Endocrinologists and OB Oncologists. I also have to carve time so I can accompany my youngest sister to the mental hospital for follow up check on her mental bi polar condition.
"Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality. Although schizophrenia is not as common as other mental disorders, the symptoms can be very disabling."
- National Institute of Mental Health
Everything starts with simple actions, like what I did just now, with all the distractions of constant notifications of my iPhone. I turned it up side down, I don't care if the 50thousand peso screen gets scratched face down on the table (it has it's three thousand leather original case anyway - see how my crazy spending habit was?). That I have to kneel in prayer even just to thank God for waking me up every morning. Rather than reaching out for my iPhone to see how many views, visits and likes - only to get disappointed, if not, worry about the things I need to do at the office using my blackberry. To wake up early to cook breakfast for my daughter and just be there for her hundred percent in soul and in flesh - not somewhere else digitally on iPhone.
Help me pray also as I reconsider from instead of going back to Internal Audit, God will give me the wisdom to pursue either Psychology Counseling and or Creative Writing. I have all the plans in my heart to stay in the bank to support my passion for helping other mentally challenged individuals and those with emotional struggles like me. Even to continue with my writings. But I know my time is running out and I need to be smart with the little time that remains. I have grown tired and weary of being the god junior and the center of my life - I was left broken but not beyond repair. I know in the end, it is the will of God that prevails. I want to hear "welcome my good and faithful servant" and not "my child, my daughter - that is not your assignment..."
My priorities? God, others and myself.
To love God and love others as myself.
Who are the others then? My daughter, siblings, cousins, Aunts, friends, discipleship Group, life coach and recovery team, Glorious Hope ministry, church, my work and people I work for and work with, even random strangers I meet in my private car services, salon visits, groceries and shoppings. Yes all of them before me, I have to love them as myself. Do I have to love myself first? No, as they say I do not need to prioritize loving and caring for myself. It is already my human sinful nature to selfishly love and care for my own self.
Port Barton at night, San Vicente Palawan Philippines
I do not want to spend my days in regret. Life is too short for resentment. I can no longer punish myself to keep rehearsing all the pain and hurt in my head. I am made for more than this. God has a plan. God have a purpose. Alone in those nights at Port Barton Palawan when I do not know whether my boyfriend will come back for me or not. I realized that the setting of the yesterday's moon doesn't mean it has totally disappeared. In one of my walks at dawn, I saw how the moon slowly vanished from the bright light of the morning sun. Same with my past way of life to now. I can no longer erase nor change what happened in the past. I have to accept but I also have to move on. I just have to see as I stood at the shore of Port Barton, on that one early dawn, to allow the bright light of Jesus to overshadow those darkest moments of mourn.
Port Barton, setting of the last night's moon, San Vicente Palawan Philippines