CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE,
the wounded and the blade
"DOING A LITTLE astronomy tonight?" Nathan's gaze was on the still sky, his mind blank and his eyes heavy. He needed to sleep, but he was scared to close his eyes, afraid to see anything.
"Did you know that the brightest star is the sky is Sirius?" He remembered that Samantha used to joke around with him when they were younger, saying look, Sirius, it's you!
"I'm not really into that stuff, but the more you know." Shane chuckled, standing next to him. Nathan nodded silently, taking out a cigarette and he held out one to his partner in crime.
"Nah, don't smoke," The former cop said. "I stopped, 'cause Sam hates them..."
Nathan nodded again, lighting the poisonous stick and taking a long drag.
His sense to talk was nonexistent, his mind being elsewhere between memories and right now. It was as if he were watching a biography of himself, experiencing everything he's done. He remembered the first time he met his best friend, when his father died, when he met his brothers in the Army, his baby brother joining - and then the bad stuff starting coming to him, punching him in his heart and creating deep wounds of sadness, shane, and constant guilt.
Nathan Barton was both the wounded and the blade.
"How do you do it?" Nathan questioned, gazing at the dark haired man.
Shane peered at him quizzically. "Do what?"
"How do you not...feel?"
Shane still stared at him, as if the gears in his mind was slowly moving. That haircut made him look more like a redneck than Daryl.
"Turning it off," He begun slowly, looking out into the farmland. "You won't survive if you get your emotions involved. It's all about doing what needs to be done. This new world is going to be hard, and you need to be hard in order to survive."
"And are you adapting?" Nathan already knew the answer - Shane Walsh was just an example of how man must evolve in order to make it through the world.
The partners in crime met eyes.
"Yeah," Shane averted his eyes. "If you're strong enough, you can just turn it off."
Nathan took another drag, the substance intoxicating his lungs. He had promised himself to quit for Samantha's sake, but his addiction was stronger.
If the Army had taught Nathan one thing, it was to not walk as a human but as a weapon with legs. He never liked the feeling of being less human, the feeling of being nothing but a void - what was the point of living if you were nothing but a monster?
"Turn it off?" Nathan repeated. "How ironic. How monstrous."
"We aren't monsters, man," Shane assured. "We're survivors. Carl wouldn't be alive right now if it weren't for us."
Right, for us.
They were both silent.
If somebody told Nathan that him and Shane would've been on friendly terms a few weeks back, he would laugh in their face. Yet here they were, talking as if they were old friends and not at each other's throats. Was it the virus that brought them together, or what they committed? Whatever it was, Nate wasn't any better than Shane. He was maybe even worse.
They were both antagonists in their wretched story, the goodness in them wilting like petals.
"My father was in the military and fought in Vietnam," Nathan spoke, his voice silent - but Shane heard everything. "After what happened on September 11th, it destroyed every fight inside of him and he let himself become sick and fade."
The cop looked at him with a hint of a frown. "I'm sorry." He said.
"My mom hated me, pretended I didn't exist - so I did things to hurt her, to hurt myself in order to get her attention, but she still left me," Nathan continued, his voice wavering. "I bottled it all up, and joined the Army. The nights still got worse,"
Shane was quiet, but he was gazing at the soldier, digesting every word as the moon shone above them.
"I killed my baby brother," Nathan revealed, his gray eyes like the dark clouds that are filled with rain - and the rain fell. "He was only eighteen and so full of life, and when the dead cornered us in an alleyway and he fell on his bad leg - I left him there. He was screaming for me even as I ran," His throat was becoming clogged up, the horrors drowning him and making it hard to breathe. He can see all the details even with his eyes open, reality slowly slipping. "Jason wanted to be just like me, make me proud - I was the older brother, his hero, but in the end I was nothing more than a wretched villain," Nathan stood up, feeling absolutely sick to his stomach. "There was time, I could've helped him."
With his movements being frantic and his voice raising, Shane stood up with alert. "Nate-"
"I-I tried to convince myself that if I helped him I would've gone down too," Tears blurred his vision and his hands gripped his dark locks. He was trying to contain himself, trying to contain every emotion, but every emotion he bottled away it became the ingredients to a sleeping bomb. "There was blood everywhere, his screams were everywhere!"
Shane grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him up against the wall by the front door, clenching his teeth at the loud noise. "Look at you, you're burning yourself," He hissed, and Nathan finally felt the burning pain as he released his curled fists, a cigarette dropping to the ground. "You need to keep it down, you did everything you could do. You ain't making it any better for yourself."
"But that's where you're wrong," Nathan whispered. "I knew I could've still helped him but I still did it - just like you knew Otis had a chance to live, but you still shot him."
Shane's grip loosened, his face hard. "You know you're wrong, man."
"I'm not," Nathan retorted. "We both know that I could've carried an extra bag, I was perfectly fine," The soldier shoved Shane's hands away as his eyes turned sharper than a blade. "Does it take being a monster to survive, or does it take survival to be a monster?"
"You're acting crazy." Shane snapped harshly, his eyes almost black in the twilight of the night.
"At least I'm not like you," Nathan fires back, shoving the other man's fists away, stepping away from him but the cop's voice carried to his ears and caused him to pause. "We're more alike than you think."
The soldier turned to look at him. "Thats bold," His voice became soft, the expression on his face pale and chilling. "You best be lucky you aren't like me, because if you thought that was crazy - wait till you see what's happening inside my head."
The two of them stared at one another, monsters in the skins of human beings. They both knew the truth, and that's what kept them close.
━━━━━
Carl Grimes was up and moving around by the time his godmother was outside. The color was back to his skin, the light back in the blue of his eyes.
"Sammy!" Samantha felt a small weight almost knock the lungs from her body, laughter burning her throat as she patted the sheriff's hat.
"Lookin' for outlaws?" She teased.
"Dad says we're going to train with guns today," Carl said excitedly, and Samantha faintly remembered Rick haz mentioned it to her last night. "Do you think I'll be good?"
Samantha gazed at his baby blues, not having the heart to tell him that Lori might be against it and make sure he wouldn't come. If it were up to her however, she would definitely say yes - he needs to learn how to shoot for his own survival.
"You might have to ask your parents, midget," Samantha stated, smiling down at him. "If you go, i'm sure you'll learn and be amazing."
Carl grinned. "I know I'll be amazing," He walked past her, not before saying, "And stop calling me that, I'll be taller than you one day."
Samantha waves hum off with a smile cutting into her cheeks, heading towards Daryl Dixon's tent. She caught Andrea leaving and a small wave of anger wash over her.
"And hey," Daryl's gruff voice came from inside. "Shoot me again, you'd best pray I'm dead!"
The two women met eyes, and for a second she glared at the brunette before ducking her head and walked past her. Samantha caught sight of the damage she created and a smirk blossomed on her lips. Upon entering his tent, she saw Daryl poking holes into it.
"That's one way to let the mosquitoes in." She chucked, her laugh catching his attention.
Daryl dropped the arrow, trying to sit up but struggled to. Her eyes went to his lap and noticed The One and Future King was halfway open. "I see you're actually reading it."
Daryl saw a twinkle of triumph that brightened her eyes, and he scoffed and rolled his. "Ain't got anything else to do."
Samantha grabbed her chest, forcing a wounded look. "Ouch, and I thought you were enjoying it."
"You ain't funny."
"I think I'm hilarious," She retorted, bringing herself up. "Let me know when you're done with it."
"Yes, mom."
After leaving the tent she made her way back to the rest of the camp, noting that everyone else was loading up to go training. The sun shone in her eyes and burned the top of her head, and she used her hands to shield the glare away.
"You coming?" T-Dog questioned, turning to the Walsh sibling with a smile.
"Nah, growing up around cops you tend to learn a few things." Samantha responded.
Nathan scoffed. "I know how to use a gun but I'm still going."
The two best friends eye contact created an awkward tension. They haven't spoke since their last encounter, and a selfish part of Samatha didn't even want to speak to him. She might've pushed him too hard, but her pushing and prodding revealed a side to him that she hasn't seen since the CDC. Nathan has never been so aggressive.
The apocalypse seemed to bring out things in people that did didn't even know existed.
"You sure you don't wanna go?" Her brother pressed.
"I'm the one that fixes the sandwiches, remember?" Samantha sassed harshly, her thin eyebrows raised.
His baby sister caught the wound she had cut into him before he turned to Glenn, who was keeping his distance away from everyone else. The secret was obviously taking a toll on him, complicating his mannerisms. "You comin'?"
"I gotta help Dale," Glenn claimed too quickly. "Clean the spark plugs on the RV. He said he's gonna teach me mechanics."
Samantha blinked. He's a bullshit liar.
"I should probably go look for him-"
"You found me," Dale said from nearby, suspicion raising his brows. "He's a good learner."
Shane glanced at the two before his gaze fell on Samantha. She rolled her eyes and he shook his head, stepping into his car and speeding away. Guilt for being petty rolled in and she bit her lip.
She whirled around to face the two. "Spark plugs, really?" She spoke with hands resting on her hips.
"Wanna tell us what's really going on?" Dale sighed.
"You're old. You know things. So, what if somebody told you something, that somebody else should know-"
Samantha immediately identified what Glenn was rambling about and so she quickly stepped forward. "Are you sure we should tell him?" She questioned, the two friends sharing a look and that making the older man grow exasperated.
"Can one of you stop being so dramatic and just spit it out?" Dale said impatiently.
What Glenn was going to say next was completely different from what Samantha assumed. "There's walkers in the barn and Lori's pregnant." Her mouth hung open in shock, the thought of them sleeping next to those...monsters that destroyed everything they knew made her feel completely sick to her stomach.
"Oh, god," Samantha moaned, hand over her forehead. The sweat made her skin feel slippery. "I'm going to be sick."
━━━━━
Nathan could barely hear the instructions being given through the sound of glass shattering and the smell of gunpowder - but it wasn't like he needed it. Gun safety and everything around the use of it was burned into his brain.
"Andrea, you gotta loosen up your shoulders." Nathan stated, approaching her. The blonde rolled her eyes, a smirk appearing on her lips.
"Maybe you could come and loosen me up a bit." Andrea suggested. Nate chuckled.
"Can't mix work and play together," Nate stepped towards her, handing the blonde his own piece. "Here, this one has more balance." Andrea eyed it, taking it into her hands and aiming it towards one of the metal canisters on the fence. She closed one eye, and hit it perfectly.
"I'd say she's got the hang of it." Shane's voice made his ears perk up and he turned, seeing the two cops matching smiled.
"I'd say she's ready for advanced class." Rick added.
"Man, I can completely kick her ass in that class." Nathan challenges with a lopsided grin.
Andrea laughed. "Alright, Mr. Military Man, give it a try with this one."
She handed him her personal gun, and Nathan took it with a cocky smile. Aiming it towards one of the metal canisters, he held onto his breath and shot a canister down easily."See? Piece of cake."
"One is average."
The soldier rolled his eyes, restraining his growing smile at Andrea's playful stare and turning back to the fence.
His face paled.
Jason stood there, watching him with dead eyes and outstretched fingers. Nathan's heart dropped and all the air was forced out of his body. His fingers curled tightly around the metal of his pistol, all the background noise becoming muffled as if he were underwater - and then he was back in Atlanta, back in Afghanistan, all out chaos pounding into his head.
Nathan raised his gun and pulled the trigger - but after the bullet went through him like a rock through water, he was replaced by another.
Otis.
Nathan kept shooting, his gun blazing and the noises around him blaring like trumpet. He was in a war movie, somewhere in between the city and across the seas. His ears were ringing, the pounding in his head intensifying and making it feel as if his head was going to be ripped into two. He looked completely wild, but he didn't care - he just wanted everything to go away.
"Nathan, stop it!"
Rick's voice pulled him out of the ocean full of bloodshed and a click sounded from Nathan's gun.
With a comforting hand being placed on his shoulder, the soldier flinched away and his eyes became wide, training on Rick. The cop could only stare at him for what seemed to be pity.
Hatred and shame bloomed.
"I'm s-sorry," Nate breathed, running a shaky hand through dark locks. "I don't know what came over me."
Nathan was back at Hershel's farm, no more Afghanistan and no more Atlanta city - but that doesn't mean the fight was over. The feeling of his sanity wouldn't leave him, and it filled the soldier with dread, and he couldn't blame the fearful stares he caught from the others.
Nathan was becoming fearful too.
━━━━━
"Shane."
Shane Walsh stopped and turned to the older man, annoyance fluttering from within him. "Hm?"
"I was thinking you got that nice new ride of yours," Dale begun, a daring look in his eyes. "Plenty of fuel. More then enough to get far away from here."
The cop glanced around. "What? You tellin' me to leave?" He questioned, staring at the older man dubiously.
Dale raised his eyebrows, not caring if his bravely led him into deep waters. Shane Walsh was a danger, the waves that would cause destruction in the group.
"I know you've been planning to," Dale retorted. "Maybe now is a good time."
Shane could do nothing but scoff at the old man's demands, finding them to be quite humorous and pathetic. He thought back to the fun he had with the blonde, and he didn't restrain his smirk.
"This about Andrea?"
"I'm looking out for the group." Dale stated after a moment.
Shane could feel the twig that he called his temper beginning to bend.
"You think the group would be better off without me, Dale?" His dark irises stared down at the elder's light ones.
They were two opposing forces, the thunder and the lightening. The real question was, who would be struck down first? "Why don't you tell that to Rick, or to Lori - or better yet, tell that to my own sister. That boy would be dead if me and Nate haven't put our asses in line."
"And Otis?"
Shane rolled his eyes, Dale's nagging brought him back, the challenging laced through his tone taunting his sleeping volcano from within. "You've been very vague about that night, you and Nate equally," Dale continued. "About what happened."
Shane stared at the ground, his teeth grinding together as the memories came resurfacing from the deep waters he shoved them in.
"Otis died a hero."
"So you've said." Dale stated, unbelieving.
"A little boy lived because of went down that night," Shane said. "I think you oughta show some gratitude."
"I wasn't there."
"No, man, you weren't." Shane said lowly.
"But I was the time you raised your gun on Rick," Dale raised his voice this time, tempting Shane's brewing storm. "You had him in your sights, and you held him there."
Shane rubbed his head, his mind denying the accusations but his heart doing the opposite. He couldn't deny that his behavior had been different, but he's doing what needs to be done to survive. He's doing it for the people he loves.
"If Samantha knew - if your sister knew, she would've been recognize you," The mention of his baby sister's name caused his features to darken, all the muscles in his body becoming completely tense. "If she knew the actions you committed, if she saw that look in your eyes every time you see Rick-"
Shane stepped close to the older man with fury burning his eyes. How dare he bring her into this. That was his sister, his responsibility - no one else's.
"You leave her out of this." He spat, his fists becoming clenched tightly.
"She's better off without you," Dale whispered, looking him up and down, revelation clear in his eyes. "I know what kind of a man you are."
Shane eyed Dale with intensity, a look that surely can put a human six feet under. The dark irises of his eyes were unhinged, revealing a man who was surely going over the very edge.
"You think I'd shoot Rick?" Shane uttered in defiance. "That is my best friend. That's the man I love. I love him like he's my brother. You think that's the kind of man I am?"
"That's right."
"Well maybe we just oughta think that through," His voice became hushed, dangerously low, a calm before the storm. "Say I'm the kind of man who'd gun down their own best friend," Their faces were mere inches away from one another. Dale could feel the anger radiating off of Shane like the sun. "What d'you think I'd do to some guy I don't even like when he starts throwin' accusations my way? Nate's way? What do you think?"
At that moment it hit Dale, eyes widening and fearful as he stared at the man in front of him, who wore a crown full of malice.
"I heard about Nathan's breakdown earlier," Dale continued cautiously. "You're killing him. He's just a kid."
"That kid has seen more bloodshed than any of us combined."
Dale frowned, his concern for the boy blooming. "So, he was there when it happened?"
"He helped me do it." Shane stated.
The older man couldn't believe it, wouldn't believe it. Nathan Barton was a man of justice, trained to protect the innocents with raised fists. I don't believe you."
Shane merely shrugged. "Nathan didn't even bat an eye, but I'm sure it wasn't his first rodeo either. His hands have been dipped in blood long before."
"Nate's an honorable man, maybe I can go ask him instead."
Shane chuckled sinisterly. "You just aren't gettin' it old man," He stated. "Let me tell you something, don't go near Nate or Sam."
"And if I do?" Dale challenged.
The cop took a step closer to him, a twinkle of madness within him. "I'll make sure whatever happens to you look like an accident. Don't tempt me."
"I'm not scared of you," Dale whispered, the cracks of his cool facade breaking and revealing the fear from underneath "There is more things to be feared of than you."
Shane tilted his head. "For once you might be right," His coal colored eyes bored into Dale's old, and wide ones. "If you think I'm crazy, you ain't seen nothing yet," He nodded behind him, and the elder looked over his shoulder to see Nathan walking in the distance. "One little push to the edge he'll be on you like them walkers, and I pray for your sake you won't be caught in that crossfire."
Shane gave Dale a look of sickly triumph, and the older man let out a shaky breath after the cop walked away, his gaze going over to the wandering soldier. His warnings echoed in his head like a broken record player as he watched the young man.
"If you think I'm crazy, you ain't seen nothing yet."
━━━━━
The sun begin to dip into the horizon, casting a pretty pinkish hue across the sky. Despite all the ugly that has shadowed this world, the beauty always remained there and vibrant.
Samantha sat on the porch, watching as a few stars appeared in the sky. She wish she could stay like this forever; peaceful, not interruptions, no dead fucktards. Unfortunately that was just a dream, a dream that she couldn't even face when she slept.
Samantha saw Rick heading towards her.
Something by the way his face looked concerned her. It was as if he discovered something fatal, and perhaps a little startling.
"You okay, sheriff?" She asked. "You look as if you had seen a ghost."
He looked at her then, his ocean blue eyes full of discovery."Did you know?"
Samantha's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and she tilted her head. Did I know what?
"I don't know what you're talking about-"
"About Shane and my wife," His voice raised for a split second, but he quickly remembered where he was. "Did you know about their affair?"
Her jaw fell to the ground, her mouth becoming dry with eyes widening. Her biggest fears were coming true, crawling from her nightmares blending into her reality. It felt like her heart had just completely dropped out of her ass.
Rick knew. How in the hell did he know?
What's worse was that he knew that she knew. Oh god, he probably felt so betrayed.
Samantha wouldn't blame him if he did, he deserved so much better.
"I..." She inhaled sharply, trying to string words together as she rubbed her head. "Yes, I knew."
Rick sighed, his head hanging. Samantha expected him to look back up at me with outrage, expected him to go off at her - throw their years of friendship out of the window.
Samantha felt like she deserved it all.
Instead when he looked up, he appeared years older, stress lines on his forehead."I understand," He said slowly. "I understand why you wouldn't tell me. I wouldn't tell me either."
Samantha could only stare in shock, tears welling up in her eyes as the large weight finally was beginning to lift from her shoulders..
One minute she was sitting alone, the next Rick was sitting with her with his arms around her, his fatherly instincts kicking in.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," Samantha kept uttering. "I didn't want any bad to happen, I'm sorry I betrayed you-"
"You didn't betray me," Rick assured softly. "You were only trying to keep the peace, you didn't mean to be caught in the middle of that."
How can he be so understanding? Her brother literally had sex with Lori. His best friend had an affair with his wife - she could possibly be pregnant with Shane's baby.
"H-how did you find out?"
Rick heaved a long, exhausted sigh.
"Lori's pregnant," He explained. Samantha felt more guilt punch her heart. "She tried - she tried to get rid of the baby, but I found out and she told me everything."
Lori actually tried to get rid of the baby without telling Rick? Does Shane even know?
"I'm sorry you had to find out that way," Samantha said silently. "You don't deserve any of this. You're a good man."
Rick chuckled dryly. "Even good people go through difficult times."
And he was right about that, no matter how unfortunate it is. No matter how good you are, no matter how many good deeds you do, it will never be enough for the world - the world will always shit on you no matter what.
She rested her heard on his shoulder, looking up at the man she thought of as a father. "It's okay to not be strong sometimes."
He peered down at her, a ghost of a smile on his lips. "That sounds familiar."
Samantha giggled. "I've learned from the best."
Slowly, her eyes trailed to the barn and a shudder ran through her body. She knew of the horrors that beyond those walls, the rot and the decay that constantly stumbled over one another aimlessly.
If Rick thought that this was difficult, he has a storm coming.
(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟnote
we need more scenes of sammy and rick's relationship.
words ; 4354
edited ; ✔️