A/N: Head's up! This is the second book in a series. If you haven't already, please check out (no one else can fix me) Only You, and then come back!!
If you've already read Only You, then thanks for sticking with me!!
Enjoy!!
xx
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"So here's your chance to explain the truth," I watch the interviewer say on my little phone screen, hear her thick New Zealand accent in my bulky headphones. There's a little delay, so I pause and unpause, hoping that'll fix the problem. It does.
If only all my problems were that easy to fix.
The first couple true and false questions pass easily, and while Jade and Jesy are clearly very tired, they seem to be having a nice time. Jade's all too happy to talk about her hilarious instagram post, and Jesy's clearly content to just listen, even though Jade's talked about nothing else for the last few days.
Once Jade's finished, the interviewer moves on to the next true/false headline.
"Little Mix's Jesy and Perrie get together all the time when they're drunk."
From the moment our names are mentioned together, you can see the way Jesy's face falls. Just the tiniest bit, but you can tell. Or at least, I can. Maybe it won't be evident to someone who hasn't spent hours pining after Jesy and her gorgeous face, but I can tell. I know Jade can tell as well, even though she's purposefully avoiding Jesy's gaze. It's almost as if you can see the energy shift in the room, like all the air has been sucked out. Jade looks like she wants to speak, but what can she say without seeming suspicious? This question doesn't have anything to do with her, after all.
Jesy recovers from the surprising query quickly, almost too quickly.
She clicks her tongue. "No, that's a lie," she says, the word lie sounding funny as it rolls off her tongue. "We've-We've had a kiss once," she says, staring off in a way that makes it seem like she's waiting for words to materialize in the air in front of her. "And..." she trails off, and even though I'm the one who's done this to her, I'm the cause of her pain, I ache for her. I want so badly to wipe the confused look from her face, want to replace it with one of her radiant smiles. She's absolutely gorgeous- striking, even- but she looks proper goofy when she really smiles, and there's nothing I'd rather see than a big, toothy grin stretched across her face.
Instead, when I look at her, all I can see is the mess I've made.
"All friends do stuff like that," Jade says when Jesy loses her words, trying to play it off.
I become irrationally angry with Jade, especially considering she's doing exactly what I've asked her to.
After the shitshow that was our second night on James Corden, management had a cow and flew us back to England immediately for a label meeting. They demanded to know what exactly was going on, and what we were trying to do, and blah blah blah. It was decided then that we'd go back to treating the situation like we did before, pretending nothing's really happened. Well, nothing of substance, anyway.
I remember just about every moment of that meeting, every awful thing we discussed, even though I'd like nothing more than to forget it. I'd like nothing more than to forget the last few weeks, go back to how Jesy and I were before I messed everything up.
But instead I'm here, pining after her and watching videos of her like a creeper as we sit on either side of Leigh and Jade on the plane.
A look up at Jesy shows she's passed out, clearly exhausted. They had to bring someone in to give her IV fluids twice this trip, and I know they've given her something to help her sleep on the flight home.
The armrest between her and Jade has been raised, and Jesy's curled into Jade, as she always seems to be nowadays. I feel my jealousy flare, even though I know I have no right to be jealous.
Jade catches my eye, leveling me with a look that could almost be pitying. Somehow, this is worse than the angry glares she's been sending my way at every opportunity. She's still not speaking to me, and I don't blame her. I'm the only one to blame here.
Jesy still says things like hello and goodbye. She never touches me, though. No hug, no handshake, no nothing. I guess a handshake would be sort of ridiculous at this point, considering how intimately we know one another, and a hug would just be too... hard.
I feel a hand on my leg and I start, my whole body lifting out of my chair for a minute before I settle, realizing it's just Leigh.
"Try to sleep, Pezza," she tells me, giving me the same sad smile she always gives me nowadays. "There's nothing to be done right now, yeah? It's time to sleep. You can worry about things when we're back in England."
I nod my head at her and give her my most-convincing smile, which is not at all convincing if the sad look she gives me in return is any indication.
She tucks the complimentary plane blanket around me a little tighter before rolling over and making her own attempt at sleep.
I roll towards the window, not wanting to torture myself with looking at the actual Jesy any longer. Instead, I go back to the Jesy on my screen, scrubbing the video back to catch up on what I missed while I was staring at actual Jesy.
"It's actually a very embarrassing story," screen Jesy says. You can tell she's pulling words out of thin air at this point, 'cos she doesn't look like she means anything that's saying. She'd just come off as tired to anyone else, but I know better.
"Um, but, 'cos Perrie's not here I actually can't share the story, because I don't know that she would allow me to share it."
Ouch. I'm not sure if that's meant to be a dig, but it feels like one. Whether it is or not, she has every right to say what she said. If I had just allowed her to speak truly about our relationship the first time, then we wouldn't be in this giant mess.
"But, we've only kissed once, and, yeah," she lies, looking distracted. The camera cuts just as she says something else. I'm dying to know what it is, but I know that, if it's been cut, it must've been something incriminating about the time we were together. Our team is being much more careful about the content we put out nowadays, and I know that whatever Jesy said must not have made the final Modest! approved cut.
I decide to switch off youtube then and just pop on some soft piano music to try and get to sleep.
10 minutes into my attempt, I know I'll be unsuccessful. I am consumed with the need to know what Jesy said once the camera cut. I already know all there is to know about our relationship, obviously, but this is the first thing she's said regarding me since our very public ending on the Late Late stage. I want to know what she's said and why management thought it was too dangerous to let her say it.
In theory I could ask Jade, but in actuality, there's no way I can ask Jade. And even if I did, it's not like she'd tell me anything. She's right pissed at me still, and we haven't spoken since she came to chew me out. Asking her a question like this would only get me another tongue lashing, or maybe an actual lashing. She's always been quite protective over Jesy, but I'd never realized how protective until recently.
I could ask Leigh to ask Jade, but I can't imagine that would go well either. Leigh's been very good about being non-judgemental, and being there for me when I need her, but I know she wouldn't approve of this, much less help me do it.
I could call the media outlet, or email them, but I doubt the video exists in its entirety anymore. I'm sure Modest! had the tapes scrubbed immediately.
That leaves me with only one person who could and maybe would give me the answer, and I can't imagine asking her. Not after all I've put her through.
Still, the thought keeps bouncing around in my brain as I try my best to get a couple hours rest.
I accidently wake Leigh up about midway through the flight with my constant leg shaking.
"Pezza, what's going on?" Leigh asks tiredly. I can tell she's trying to be kind, but even she has her limits. She's at the end of her rope for her patience with me.
"Just can't quit thinkin'," I say dumbly. "My brain's going too fast."
"Maybe you should take something, then," she suggests gently, probably noticing the bit of sweat that's broken out above my brow.
"It makes me all fuzzy," I say, but I can hear the nerves in my voice, the way I'm speaking too fast.
"You can sleep it off once we get home," Leigh says, softly but with mounting urgency. "A plane is a really bad place to have an anxiety attack," she reminds me, kind but firm. I know she's only looking out for me, so I agree.
"Where are your pills?" She asks.
"In my bag, in the overhead. Front pouch," I say, my tone clipped.
Leigh jumps out of her seat immediately, fatigue and all, and quickly retrieves two little while pills, completely round and smaller than a baby tooth.
"Here you are," she says, holding them out to me, along with a half empty bottle of water.
"Sorry, it's all I've got," she says when she sees me eyeing the bottle.
"No, it's fine," I say quickly. I take the pills and toss them in my mouth before I have the time to think too much, swallowing them down.
"How long does it take them to start working?" Leigh asks, placing the water bottle in the seat pocket in front of me when I hand it to her.
"Half an hour or so," I say. "Especially with how tired my body is."
"Alright then," she says with a yawn. "I'll wait up with you."
"You don't have to do that, Leigh. I-"
"I want to, Pezza. You're my best friends, one of my girls. I know this hasn't been easy on you, and I'm here for you, alright?" She says, taking my hand in hers. "Things are gonna work out alright, babe. It just takes time, a bit of effort, and a little help. Yeah?"
"Yeah," I agree with the best smile I can manage. I'm not sure I believe her, but I'm beyond grateful that she's trying.
By the time I wake, we're landing on the runway. I'm foggy, like I knew I'd be, but Leigh helps me with my things, makes it so I don't have to do much but put my hat back on and exit the plane.
We walk through the airport pretty much unimpeded, mostly because it's not even 5am yet. Our fans are dedicated, but we were originally supposed to be on a later flight, and many likely don't know of the change.
Still, somehow a few are there, and we greet them and take photos. Leigh stays by my side the whole time, knowing that I won't be much of a conversationalist. She and Jade go for coffee. Normally, they'd be hesitant to leave Jes and I alone together, but Jade can see that I'm in no condition to really do much of anything.
Leigh's been carrying my backpack for me, but even in my state, I know that if she has my backpack as well as her purse and her backpack, she won't have enough hands for coffee.
"It's alright, Leigh, leave it here. I can take it," I insist, speaking my first words since I woke up. They come out a little slow, but it is 4:47am, so Leigh doesn't think twice, and hands me my bag.
I immediately get it settled on my back, but after a time, the weight starts to become too much. Jesy notices, even behind her hood and glasses, and tries to take it from me.
I yank it away from her, but she's a lot stronger than me, and easily keeps hold.
"C'mon, Pezza," she says tiredly. "Lemme help."
I nod my head and stop fighting her. She slips the bag from my grasp and shoulders it easily, even though she has her own backpack to contend with.
"Thank you," I say quietly, wanting to say so much more, but my brain is still moving slow and I can't find my words.
"No problem," she says softly. I can tell she means it, and I want to cry at her feet, beg her forgiveness for all of the terrible things I've put her through, but before I can fall to the ground, Leigh is back, handing me some sort of pasty.
"Eat this, it'll help," she says, wrapping an arm around me and guiding me toward the terminal where our car is waiting. She keeps hold of me the entire walk, which is good, because I stumble more than once.
I manage a couple bites here and there, but I still feel so hungover from the medicine that I can't stomach more than that.
We reach the cars after what feels like the longest walk of the century.
"Are you gonna be alright?" Leigh asks, buckling me in like one would a small child.
"You're not coming with me?" I ask, sad.
"I can if you wan-"
"No, she can't," Jade interrupts. "She and Jes live in East Central, and you and I live in West. She's gotta go in the car behind us."
I look between the two of them nervously.
"Jade-"
"I know, I know, Leigh. I'll look after her. Jes has already had this talk with me, you needn't worry," Jade says, bringing a hand up to rub at her face.
"Hey, wait-" Jesy says, walking up to the car. "This, ah, this is Perrie's bag," she tells Jade.
I can see Jade wants to ask her what exactly she's doing carrying my things, but Jesy looks awful, so Jade holds her tongue. I can't tell if she's sad, or sick, or tired, or some combination of the three, but she doesn't look well.
And she still carried my bag for me.
After everything.
If I had the strength, I might get out of the car and lay in the road, wait to be run over like I deserve.
But at this point, I can barely keep my eyes open.
I manage a quiet thank you, and keep my head up long enough to watch Jesy nod and walk away.
Leigh follows her, but not before kissing my head and telling me to call if you need me, seriously.
Jade makes quick work of our bags, helping the car service men load them in, and then she opens the door opposite me and slides into the seat.
"You look like shit" is the first thing that Jade says to me. Her words are harsh, but her tone belies a bit of worry.
This is massive progress, though, her talking to me at all, so I try to keep her talking.
"Feel like it, too," I say, trying for a laugh but only managing a little cough.
"Are you taking care of yourself?" Jade asks almost accusingly.
"Sort of," I admit, shrugging my shoulders. "It's been really hard to sleep. And to, uh, stay calm."
Jade says nothing, but when I look up, I find her stare already on me.
She studies me a minute before blowing out a big breath.
"I'm here if you need me, alright? I know I've been quite... cold to you, since the whole thing with you and Jes, and I'm still mad about it, but if she can be nice, then I can... try. But I'm still mad. Okay?"
"Yeah, Jade, I get it," I say, leaning against the door and curling in on myself.
We spend the rest of the ride in silence, but it's not as harsh a silence as I'm used to enduring as of late. I won't say it's comfortable, but it's not tense, either. Just... quiet.
We pull up to her house first, and she undoes her seatbelt.
"Perrie," she starts, before biting at her lip.
"Yeah, Jade?" I ask, looking up at her. I want her to ask me the question, even if I'm not sure I want to answer it.
"Why'd you do it?" She asks, looking angry, frustrated, and, more than anything, exhausted.
I don't think a single member of Little Mix has had a full night's sleep since my stunt on James Corden.
"I got scared," I say, ever so quietly. "Of everyone knowing. I'm so in love with Jesy, and the last time I was this in love, I- I can't handle hurt like that again, Jade. It will kill me. And with the media knowing? That was the downfall of Zayn and I. It was too much pressure. And that was when I was in a Heteronormative, fan-favorite sort of relationship. Can you imagine the pressure they'd put on us? On all four of us? Do you really think we could last?"
"I don't know, Pezza," Jade says. "But we were all willing to risk it, for you."
She starts to close the door, but throws it back open.
"Why didn't you just tell Jes how you were feeling?"
"She was so excited," I say, though it's not a great excuse. "And I just- I spiralled so quickly, from everything being fine and lovely to the band breaking up and everyone blaming it on me and Jesy hating me, hating me for everything, and everything was just starting to move too fast in my brain and it all got too much and-"
"Breathe, Pez," Jade says, hands firmly grasping my shoulders. "In, out. In, out."
I try my hardest to match my breathing to hers, and after a couple minutes, I'm successful.
After I'm nearly back to normal, Jade removes her hands and gathers her bag. I'm sure the driver is becoming impatient, but he says nothing, so I pay him no mind.
"Are you still seeing Lindsey?" She asks.
"Not since about a month before Jesy and I took up," I tell her honestly.
"Might be time to schedule another appointment then, yeah? Just a catch up. It would probably be good to get an outside perspective, you know? Help you sort out all the stuff inside," she says sincerely.
I nod.
"Perrie, promise you'll call her and set up an appointment? Please?" Jade pleads, and I can see that she's really worried about me.
"Yeah, okay," I say. "I'll call her."
"Soon," Jade adds.
"Soon." I nod.
"Alright, then. I'll see you monday. And I will answer your texts, so if you feel like you're gonna do something stupid, please text, or call, alright? I'm here for you, even if I'm still sorta mad," she says softly.
"Thank you, Jadey," I say, reaching my arms towards her, thrilled to have gone from you look like shit to sorta mad in the span of a single car ride.
She obliges my request, and squeezes me tightly before letting me go just as quick.
But not without a kiss to the crown of my head.
"Call her," she says in lieu of a goodbye, and she shuts the door.
I mean to call her once I get home, I really do, but I'm too tired to do anything but take my shoes off and flop into bed.
I wake up less hungover, but somehow just as tired, around noon. I call Linsdey's office, but get sent to the answering machine. It is lunchtime, after all.
"Hey," I start after the beep. "This is, ah, Perrie. Perrie Edwards. I was hoping to get in to see Linds- uh, Doctor Drummich. The sooner the better. Just, ah, give me a call back when you can. Thanks."
Once that's done, I decide it's time to eat. Cooking might be a nice distraction, anyway.
I don't have a lot by way of fresh ingredients, as I've been out of the country for most of the last few months, but I've got a bevvy of frozen items.
I decide on something with potato mash, and end up just eating chicken nuggets with it.
So much for cooking.
I settle onto the couch with my nuggets (I put them in the oven, at least) and mash, and flick through TV channels. I'm watching old episodes of Neighbours and trying to figure out if Margot Robbie is actually human when my phone rings.
"Hello?" I say absentmindedly, around a mouthful of potato.
"Uh, Miss Edwards? This is Julie, calling from Doctor Drummich's office."
"Oh, hi!" I say, choking down my last bit of potato. "Hi, sorry."
"It's alright. I just received your call, and I've talked with Doctor Drummich. She can see you tomorrow at 3:30. Will that work for you?"
"Uh, yeah, tomorrow is fine," I say, trying to think. "I don't think I have anything then."
"Excellent. We'll see you tomorrow then?" Julie asks, clearly eager to be done with our call. I can't blame her. She probably has this same conversation like, 50 times a day.
"Yeah, see you tomorrow. Thanks," I say.
"No problem," she says, "Goodbye."
"Bye," I say, and hang up the phone.
Alright, well. I guess that's a step in the right direction.
I check my digital calendar just to be sure, but I am totally free tomorrow.
It's sort of nice, but at the same time, I don't know what I'll do with myself.
I mean, now I'm going to therapy, obviously, but this is the first few days we'll have had COMPLETELY off since Jes and I broke up.
I had hoped to be spending all my days off for the rest of my life in bed with her, but that isn't going to happen.
So what am I gonna do?
I spend the rest of the day watching garbage television and trying to do a bit of writing, but I'm just not motivated.
I finish a bottle of wine by myself, and I'm tucked into bed by 10:30.
Because of all the wine, I stay in bed until about 11:30 the next morning. After that, I hop in the shower, and then do a bit of laundry while I watch tv. Soon enough, it's 3:00, and I start my journey to Lindsey's office.
I walk, because it's nice out and I've got the time, but also because I'm full of nervous energy.
I arrive at the office at 3:27 and check in, before picking up an old glamour magazine and having a seat.
Right on the dot at 3:30, Lindsey's office door opens, and her previous appointment walks out.
I look up and smile at the girl as she walks out and I walk in. I see a look of recognition grace her face, but she's kind enough to just smile and tell me she loves our music.
I thank her with a tight smile and tell her to have a nice day, closing Lindsey's office door behind me as I enter.
I lean against it once it's closed, and blow out a breath.
Lindsey greets me with a smile, countenance placid as always, and stands up.
I walk over to her and give her a hug, squeezing her tight.
We've known each other for about three years now, and Lindsey learned during our second appointment that my love language is physical touch when I went for the hug at the end of the appointment, and she went for the handshake.
She's not super touchy feely.
But, she is my friend, and my therapist, so she always obliges.
"You alright?" She asks when we pull back, still holding me by the shoulders.
She must know I'm not, hence my visit here, but I still appreciate that she asks.
"Been better," I say simply, letting her lead me over to the little couch in her room.
She settles on the right side and I on the left, both of us tucking our feet up under us to sit more comfortably.
Lindsey's dressed in a particularly professional way today, in a full suit and pumps, which must mean she had some sort of meeting, or a board interview. She's usually in a black dress, or her favorite denim jumpsuit, with some keds or vans or ankle boots. When we meet outside of regular hours, she'll even wear workout gear or jeans and a tee. I'm not used to seeing her this dressed up.
"Who were you trying to impress today?" I ask, motioning to the patent leather shoes she's just kicked off in an effort to be more comfortable.
"Practice meeting, with the other doctors. And three members of the board! So, I had to look the part today. They don't quite trust me. Not sure if it's cause they're afraid I'll bewitch them with my feminine wiles-" she says, and I snort. "Or if it's the whole American thing. Something about my midwestern face sets them on edge," she says with a laugh, before fiddling with her belt. "Ugh, I cannot wait to get out of this thing."
"It suits you," I say honestly. It does.
"Well, thank you," she says, "but I don't suit it. I feel... restricted." She says, tugging at her fully buttoned collar. "Now, I know you didn't just turn up for a chat today, because I haven't heard from you in months. Which is good! 'Cause, obviously, that means you've felt good. So, what's going on?"
"Have you watched the news at all? Seen my... confusing behaviour on American television?" I ask with a groan.
"Better yet, I was back home visiting my parents, who never miss the Late Late show, so I saw it live," she says with a grimace.
"Ugh," is all I say in response, burying my head in my hands.
"So this is about what I think this is about, then?" She asks me.
"Well, that depends. What do you think it's about?" I ask.
"I'm not supposed to speculate-"
"Oh come off it, Lindsey. You know you want to," I sing song.
"Alright, alright," she says, looking all too happy to tell me what she thinks. "I think that you and a certain band member of yours did have a thing, and that you messed up, and now you're sad and she's mad. Am I close?" She finishes, sounding less excited than before.
"Close enough," I say.
"Oh, come on, Perrie. You've gotta give me more than that," she says with a roll of the eyes.
I could call her out for being unprofessional, but her unprofessionalism is one of the reasons I love her so much. Talking with Lindsey never feels clinical, and this is no exception.
"So, it all started... shite, I don't know. Right before we left on our European press tour? Yeah. Jesy came over to my house, 'cos..." I trail off, trying to remember exactly how things went down. I had a lot to drink that night, after all, and- "-oh, it was 'cos she and Chris broke up. Yeah, that was it. Anyway, we ordered a bunch of food and drank way too much rum and then one thing led to another and we kissed. And then we just... never stopped, I guess. We'd had little hiccups here and there, and then Simon found out and there was a whole thing, and Modest! found us fake boyfriends, some of your country's footballers, and we just dated in secret for a while. And then they gave us an ultimatum, a come out now or never sort of thing, and Jesy was all for it, and I was too, until I... wasn't. I just, I went to a really negative place and my thoughts started to spiral really quickly and I made some rash decisions and I screwed everything up, and I hurt her. And the worst part is, she's not even that mad at me, just sad. Jade's right pissed, though. But this whole thing has driven a wedge in the group, and I broke promises that I promised I wouldn't break, and now I'm back in a bad place," I explain quickly.
"What changed? When you got to the point where you weren't "all for it," as you said. Were you all for it before that?" Linsdey asks, never one to waste time.
"I don't know. I don't..." I start, gathering my thoughts. Lindsey gives me plenty of time to think, just waiting patiently until I'm ready to talk. "I was all for being with Jesy, always. From our first sort of accidental kiss, I knew there was something different. I wanted her all the time," I say.
Lindsey wiggles her eyebrows at me.
"Not like that, you perv," I say, sneering at her as my face goes red.
"It's okay for it to be like that, Perrie. But I'm guessing it wasn't just that," she says with a knowing look.
"No, it wasn't. I just wanted to be with her all the time. I wanted sex, yeah, but I also wanted to wake up with her in my arms every morning. I wanted to make her tea everyday when she got home from her run, and have her gripe at me about how it's too sweet. I wanted to make funny faces at her in the mirror while we practiced our routines and try to get her to crack up. I wanted to hold her when she cried over the stories on telly about displaced children. I wanted everything," I say, my chest suddenly tight.
"Do you still?" Lindsey asks me.
"What?" I ask, a little confused. "Do I still what?"
"Do you still want everything?" Lindsey asks me seriously.
"Undoubtedly," I say after a moment's pause, waiting to speak until I'd found the perfect word.
"Well then, I think you need a plan."
---
A/N: Hello!!!
We're finally back!! I'm so excited about this sequel😁 Thanks to those of you who read Only You and have been patiently waiting for this sequel to be posted!! It's a bit sad n stuff here at first, just because we've got a LOT of ground to cover, but I think you guys will like where the story goes😉
I really wanna know what you guys think about the story so far, and where you'd like to see it go!! I do have a very rough outline that I'm working from, but I'd be happy to sneak little extras in here and there for you guys that have been so kind to me:)
I know many of you are also awaiting and update on Ex, and I promise it's on it's way!! It's just a little short at the minute (I usually like my updates for ex to be about 13-15 pages long, and this one's just not there yet. It's high-key DRAMATIC;) , so it's just taking me a while:)
Thank you so much for giving this story a shot, and I can't wait for us to really get into it!! Please comment and drop a vote, if you feel like it:)
As was the case with Only You, this story will just update when I have time. Unlike More Than Words, which I was a solid 50+ pages into writing before I started posting, Nothing Else Matters is just a write and post situation. What you guys are reading write now is what I have written. Chapter two is about 2 paragraphs long at this point😬, but right now I'm feeling the inspiration with this story! I wrote the last 7 pages of this today, in fact, and here it is, already ready for your eyeballs😝 I will try to update as often as possible, and I appreciate you guys being so understanding!!
If you want some Pesy to read in the meantime, I have a Pesy one shot book (which I am currently taking prompts for, so if you'd like to see a specific Pesy one shot, pop over to that story and leave a comment👀), a pesy!baby fic called More Than Words that updates biweekly (Saturday and Tuesday), another Pesy fic called Ex, and of course, I have (no one else can fix me) Only You, this book's predecessor.
Thank you so much for giving my writing a chance, and I hope you've enjoyed!!
xx
sydd
come say hi on tumblr @16sydd16 :)