Monday 1st October 2012
Dear diary,
As I sit here writing about today’s date, I can’t stop my tears from falling down my slightly pale cheeks; leaving small circles of wetness on the pages of this diary.
Thomas is asleep right now, I can hear his faint snores, which tells me that he is extremely tired. To be honest, after yesterday’s date, and today’s date, I’m completely exhausted too.
I’m glad that he’s asleep, because I don’t want him to see me cry. My crying would only hurt him so much more.
Yesterday’s date was so amazing, and made me extremely happy, but now, sitting here alone in the dim light, I’m plagued with thoughts of what is coming.
I only have four days left to live. Not only is that the most scary feeling, but it’s also the most upsetting.
I’m a good person, I got great grades in school, and I spent my time helping others. No one deserved to have this fate thrust upon them, but I can’t help but think, why me?
What did I do so wrong that made me have to suffer through this in these past three years; never being able to be a normal everyday teenager; always having to go to the hospital for various treatments, and appointments instead of going to parties and having sleepovers, having to fill my body with a wide range of medications, that didn’t even make a difference in the end. I was still dying, so what was the point in any of it.
The only thing that was worth living for was my family.
If I could just live through this, and live a long, happy life with them, I would be happy. Even if I had to live with the cancer forever, I could deal with that, as long as I had them with me.
I’m so scared to leave Thomas here. I know he isn’t alone, and has a ton of support, but I know it will be hard for him. I’m also scared for myself. I didn’t know where I was going to go when I died, and the thought of being alone scared the hell out of me. The thought of never seeing him again tore through me like a bullet straight through my heart.
For now, though, I was trying my best to be happy, and not think about it, and so was Thomas.
He was trying to make my last two weeks amazing, and he was doing a great job. Whenever he was with me, I got so distracted that it was easy to relax, and forget it for a little while.
Today’s date was absolutely beautiful. It reminded me of how much Thomas payed attention to me, and to what I said. He truly did love me, and I was about to lose him.
Unlike yesterday, he was here when I woke up, and it was great to see his beautiful face first thing. He was just sitting there staring at me with those comforting green eyes of his.
We lay there, just cuddling for an hour or two, which was awesome. We don’t have much time left together, and the quiet, slow moments like this were absolutely wonderful. Time was going so fast, and it was good to go at a snail’s pace every once in a while.
Whenever I looked at him, I wanted to freeze time, and stay like that forever. I knew that could never happen, though, so I soaked in, and memorised every detail of his face. I didn’t need to memorise him by heart, because I already knew him that way.
His eyes showed his immense kindness, and care. I would get lost in them for hours, and hours.
By the time it was time to leave for the date, I had been staring at him for two hours straight.
It seemed that my body did not want to give me a break today. It felt like every limb was going to drop off. My muscles ached, and I was plagued with extreme dizziness. Thomas needed to help me get out of bed, and I needed a nurse to help me bathe, and get dressed for the day.
I really hated that. I felt like a child again, and it only made me feel worse. I felt weak, and had to try really hard not to cry. It took about an hour to get both of those things done, and when I was ready, Thomas was waiting for me patiently. His patience truly was never ending.
Thankfully, it wasn’t as hot outside as it was yesterday, or I definitely would have had to miss out on this date.
This time, the halls of the hospital were crowded with all of the people that I was used to seeing. As we made our way, very slowly, down the halls, I was greeted, and smiles at, left right, and centre.
It was great to finally see some happy people. The ward I was in didn’t have that very often. I don’t blame them, though. Some of them had no reason at all to smile, and be happy.
The waiting room was filled with our friends from school, our old teachers, and of course our families.
I hadn’t seen some of these people in months, and it brought a tear to my eyes, that they were all here to see me.
They all rushed over, and greeted me with warm hugs, and excited smiles; Thomas had stepped back, enough to give me room, but staying close at the same time.
After allowing us all the time to say hello, Thomas said that we all needed to make our way to the back of the hospital.
Everyone made their way out of the hospital, and were much quicker than I was. I could see the happy and excited bounce to their steps, and it was definitely contagious, because I was grinning from ear to ear, which of course, made Thomas extremely happy as well.
When I finally arrived at where I was supposed to be, everyone was already there, standing in groups, and talking excitedly amongst each other.
They were standing to the side of a large circle of soil that had a small opening at the base of it. Beside them, were various sized black pots filled with my favourite flowers.
We were building a garden.
I had always loved nature, and gardens. Due to the fact that we only rented our house, I wasn’t able to build my own garden in our yard. This was amazing, and a dream come true.
The people that had come today were there to help us. It was a big job, but I was most definitely not missing out on this. It’s something that I had always wanted to do, and this would be my last chance to do it.
These dates just increased in amazement, and I would be forever grateful to Thomas for organising them. He was giving me everything that I had always dreamed of doing.
This meant so much to me, and he had no idea just how much. My love for him was endless, and it made it perfect that he knew so much about me, and was going to all of this effort just for me.
We started planning, and watering the various plants straight away. The smell of roses, baby’s breath, and soil, was overwhelming, but extraordinarily comforting, and brilliant.
Thomas wasn’t far away from me, giving me time with my friends, and he was chatting away with some of our male friends. I saw him glancing over at me with a loving smile, and I giggled. It was like in those movies where you glance at your crush when they aren’t looking.
Within two hours, the entire circle of soil was filled with my favourite bright and colourful flowers. They would look so much more beautiful when they were fully bloomed. It was a huge shame that I wouldn’t live long enough to see it.
Thomas’ warm arms wrapped tightly around my waist from behind, as I admired the hard work that was by everyone. I leaned back into him, not realising how tired, and weak I felt, until I was standing there for a while. He held me up, and kissed my temple softly, sending a wave of shivers throughout my entire body, from the top of my scalp to the tips of my toes.
After a few minutes, Thomas took me towards the centre, where a medium sized hole was dug, with a small lump covered by a green piece of material.
I was handed a pot that held a small tree; Thomas, and myself, took it out of the pot, and placed it in the hole, filling the gaps with the soil, and dirt that had been dug out.
I was then instructed to pull away the green material. When I did, I was completely shocked, and started crying happily.
The black plaque, cemented to a small slab of concrete at the base of the tree, stared up at me in all its greatness; its gold letters glittering up at me in the dimming sunlight.
GRACE GARDEN
In Honour Of Amelia Grace
I had cried in to Thomas’ chest, overwhelmed by the happiness I felt from this. Not only did I build this garden with my friends, and family, but it was even named after me.
When I eventually pulled away, Thomas kissed me with an enormous amount of love, and care. I savoured every minute of it.
When he ended the kiss, and I looked around, I noticed that it was getting dark slowly. The sky had turned a dark blue, with the soft shades of pinks and oranges painting the horizon.
I thought that the date was over, because everyone had left already. To be honest, I would have been completely satisfied and happy if it was over, it’s been a very fulfilling day, but it wasn’t over. That brought my energy, and excitement levels up.
I was taken back to my room, where I had yet another long and relaxing bath. Although I love nature, it was good to get the smell of dirt and soil off of me, and the faint smell of roses on my skin.
When I hopped out, slowly of course, I was given a long and beautiful dinner dress, instead of my usual pyjamas, or hospital gown.
The dress made me curious. I mean, it’s not like we were required to dress fancy for dinner in the hospital cafeteria. Unless there had been some kind of dance going on.
Nevertheless I had gotten dress, and came back out where Thomas was waiting for me. He looked really good in his dress shirt, and dark jeans.
Instead of going down to the cafeteria like I had expected, we went back out of the front doors, and towards the back of the hospital, where the newly planted garden was.
The sight before me was definitely unexpected. All of our friends, and family were back, and were scattered around in smaller groups, looking amazing in their best dinner clothes.
A large plastic gazebo type thing was set up, and had twinkling fairy lights hanging all around it. A whole bunch of delicious smelling food as set up on a long table. I could just see the fain wisps of steam rising from it all.
Once Thomas and I got to the group, we all sat down at a separate long table with various chairs set up along it.
The glassware that was on it, were all miss matched, which showed me that everyone had brought their own utensils, and plates. They all played a part in this, and it made my heart swell.
I had great conversations with my friends, and so did Thomas. It was great to see him like this, and I just hoped that he would be like this soon after my death. I didn’t want him to stop living, just because I wasn’t going to be there with him.
Almost everyone made a toast to me; some with embarrassing stories, all with amazing memories that brought me to tears. They had all made three scrapbooks, one for my parents, which had photos, and memories of me, one for Thomas’ parents, and one for Thomas and I, dedicated to us. They were precious, and meant a lot to all six of us.
We played a few small games after dinner, and although I was tired, I had a whole lot of fun. It was good to see them all again. It hurt real bad to think that I would never see them again. They all stayed until really late, and I enjoyed every minute of it. I’ve missed just hanging out with them like I used to. They all had school and jobs, so they didn’t have very much time to come and visit.
We were all really close, and I was very thankful to Thomas for organising this meeting, and dinner.
Even though it upset me when they all left, and I couldn’t really eat much of the delicious food they had made, I had had the best dinner of my life.
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There are only two chapters remaining in this short story. All help and support is great, and appreciated.
V o t e | C o m m e n t | F a n
~Alyssa