Clearsight
The wedding rehearsal isn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe it's less stressful without the full audience, only Whiteout, Foeslayer, a couple caterers and wedding planner dragons we hired, and my parents in the background. We actually had to leak a false date to the dragons at the palace so a whole throng wouldn't come.
It was actually Darkstalker's idea. I can't believe he passed up the chance to garner public attention, to be honest.
But... he's not the dragon he used to be.
Is that still the dragon you want to marry? This broken, mess of a dragon?
I glance down at the ring on my talon, adjusting the pearls my mother insisted on wrapping around me in some kind of anxious tirade.
"Now, I really think you should--" she starts.
I rub my forehead. "Mother, please. Just... give me a moment without you criticizing my choice in tablecloths, all right?"
"It's not the tablecloths, those are fine. It's the seats," she fusses. Darkstalker's mother shoots her a bemused look. "They're too cramped, you see? Dragons will be knocking into each other--"
I take a deep breath, resisting the urge to bite someone's head off. I have so much work to do, as soon as I get home--great kingdoms--
"They're perfect. I saw it in a vision," Darkstalker says confidently, wrapping a wing around me. "Isn't that right, darling?"
"Oh!" I silently bless every scale on Darkstalker's body. "Yep! Absolutely!"
Mother raises her eyebrows suspiciously.
***
"Mom?"
I fiddled with my talons. Three years old. Now, it seems, honestly, a little silly, how worried I was back then. But back then, it felt like the hugest deal in the world to me.
"Yes, sweetie?" Mother frowned, chopping up a carrot and dumping it into a pot, only half paying attention to me.
"I..." I bit my lip. "I have a boyfriend."
"Aw, you have a crush! What's his name?"
"No," I said slowly. "I mean I have a boyfriend. An actual, serious boyfriend." I tapped my tail against the floor nervously. "His name is--Darkstalker."
"Surely, you don't mean--the son of--"
"That one. The mind-reader."
"Isn't he, six or something?"
"He's only four," I said, offended on Darkstalker's behalf.
"Oh, you're so young..."
"I'm not stupid. You don't need to talk like that, you know."
She sighed. "I wish you weren't always rushing into things, Clearsight. Please be careful... can't you just be friends? You were practically an egg yesterday--"
Anger bubbled in my stomach. My talons were clenched so tight it hurt, but I barely noticed that part until afterward.
"I've seen--"
"You're just a kid, darling. Please... listen to me... just... take it slowly...:"
I closed my eyes, rubbing my forehead.
"I'm not having this conversation anymore."
"Clearsight."
"I'll be back by dinner. I'm going to the library."
***
To be honest, my parents and I didn't have a great relationship ever. How could they, when my entire world was based off something they would never understand, no matter how hard they tried?
And they didn't like my relationship with Darkstalker any more as the years progressed. We never fought about it after that, and they never tried to stop us, but... it was the little things. The way they kept asking if I had broken up with him when there was literally nothing to indicate that to be true. Or how they were always just a little prickly around him whenever he came over, which was why we tried our best to just avoid our respective houses entirely.
It wasn't that they didn't love me. It was just... they didn't get it. No matter how hard they tried, they didn't.
So last year, when we got engaged, they weren't happy. I didn't expect them to be. I tried to keep it quiet for a while, but... we were moving in together. We were looking at properties. He came to my house almost every day. It was pretty hard to hide.
Darkstalker was there, when we announced it. So they congratulated us, of course, and gave us their blessing--all that stuff.
But as soon as Darkstalker left, tapping me on the snout affectionately and whispering in my ear (in typical Darkstalker fashion) a quick "love you" Mother wheeled on me, just like I knew she would.
"You're marrying an animus, Clearsight?! Are you kidding me?"
I took a deep breath, squaring my shoulders. "No. I'm not. I love him, and I've made up my mind."
"You're too young to be leaving home, " Father sighed, which was pretty hypocritical--Mother had found out she was with my egg a couple of months after they left school, for crying out loud.
"Says you."
"Clearsight. Please..."
"You don't understand." I take another deep breath, internally praising myself for not screaming. "Can you just... I know what I'm doing, okay? Just trust me."
"Don't talk that way, young lady--"
"I'm not your little hatchling anymore," I snapped. "Please. Just stop being so stupid about this. Why do you even hate Darkstalker so much anyway?"
"He's... he's an animus, Clearsight, " Mother said carefully. "What if he hurts you? Didn't you hear about--"
"Mother. Please. I'm not stupid. I can take care of myself, you know?"
"HE COULD KILL YOU, CLEARSIGHT!"
"I've considered it. We've... mitigated the risk as much as we can. I promise--"
"Right," Father snapped. "He's probably just manipulating you. Plus! A hybrid? Think about what your children will look like, Clearsight--"
"Who said anything about children? Who said I have to have children?"
I mean, we were planning on having dragonets, one day--but that was beside the point. The point was that my parents were assuming I would do everything as it was expected of me, regardless of my personal opinion.
"Well, it's usually what dragons do someday, honey--"
"I don't have to," I snapped. "Oh wait, or do I, because that's the normal thing to do, isn't it!" I said in a sour, mocking tone. "I'm not normal, Mom. I'm never going to be. Get that through your head already."
The room fell silent. And in that moment, I felt a small gap open in my chest. Not the kind of emptiness that makes you want to cry. The kind that just doesn't feel like anything, to be honest.
How they reacted to our engagement is another reason I really don't want the world to know about Shadowhunter, even if it's becoming increasingly hard to hide. Not yet. Because... with everything that's already happening, I can't take any more. I can't take them worrying, and fretting, and telling me all the things that are wrong with me, quietly unaware of all the damage they're causing. I can't handle knowing that when she hatches,y daughter will have to deal with grandparents who frown on her entire existence.
I just... why is it always the dragons I love the most who always get hurt the worst? Is it something I do wrong? Is this all my fault? Is it something I'm doing wrong?
Am I really the one at fault?
I know I'm being silly. I know this is stupid; I'm a seer, I can see that. I just... sometimes, I still can't help but wonder about it.
***
I blink my eyes open, releived no one noticed my mini-breakdown.
"I... I'm feeling pretty tired. I think that's enough for today. Darkstalker and I have lots of work to do; we really should be heading home." I twine my tail around Darkstalker's, rather pointedtly.
I can tell Mother has quite some things to say about that, but she must be all yelled out, because she doesn't make any more snide comments.
Thank the moons.
***
We end up staying up, after the sun has risen, scribbling and muttering to ourselves, occaisionally pausing to sip coffee or discuss what we're working on. It's kind of a relief, to be honest. It's nice not to think about anything other than next year's millet crop for a while. I've been worrying nonstop about the dragonet, and, to be honest, any break from my brain I can get is more than welcome. I know how to read the future, and I know I'm pretty good at it. It's kind of soothing to just focus on the few things that are certain for a while.
"We should probably go to bed soon, " Darkstalker whispers, sometime around the NightWing equivalent of what Fathom would call "three o'clock in the morning." I can barely keep my eyes open, I'm past the point of coffee even being able to help.
"Yeah, " I mumble, rubbing my eyes. My wings are sluggish and the idea of moving any further than two steps seems like some kind of feat of superstrength.
"We should camp out in the living room. And make a blanket fort." I smile a little, fully aware of the fact that at this point, I'm well past logical thought. I don't really care.
"I thought we were fancy aristocrats."
I giggle.
We grab pillows from the closet and crash on the living room floor. The vague embers of the fire flicker and sizzle.
"We'll be married soon, " Darkstalker whispers, curled up against me. He's kind of adorable when he's half asleep. I forgot how much I missed sleeping beside him, honestly. It helps, to have the sound of someone else's breathing to ground me.
"I know. Isn't it crazy?"
"I'm in love with you."
I roll my eyes, elbowing him. "Well I would hope so--"
"You know what I mean, " Darkstalker whispers.
"I love you, too." I smile vaguely.
We're silent for a while.
"Why can't you sleep at night anymore?" I ask softly. Normally, I wouldn't have even bothered asking, I'm too tired to risk getting into a fight about it. But when he's half asleep... I don't know. Tonight, he seems different.
"It's... just... I can't." He rubs his eyes.
"What's it like?"
"I don't know. I just get... All these feelings. All these plans, and thoughts, and feelings, and they keep circling around my head and... I just..." He let's out a breath. "I can't."
I grab his talon, playing with it gently in the space between us. "Maybe you talk to someone about it."
"I'm fine, Clearsight."
"Darkstalker. When was the last time you slept?"
He sighs. "I'll think about it, all right? Now can I ask you something?"
"What?" I ask, even though I already half-know what he's going to say.
"When are we going to tell dragons about... the dragonet? We can't hide it forever, Clearsight."
"I know. I just... it's overwhelming. All of this overwhelming. My mom and dad and the dragonet and worrying about everything and the queen, and how she's going to react to this, and--"
"Ssh, " He whispers. "It'll be okay, darling. We'll figure this out somehow."
There's another long silence, playing with each others' talons, half-asleep. And then, I finally say, "At the wedding. We'll tell them at the wedding. Okay? And we'll tell Fathom when he comes to our house to celebrate the next day."
"We'll figure this out, " Darkstalker says softly. "You'll see."
Everything drifts in and out of focus.
I'm quiet for a long time, before I say, "I hope that's true."
***
I miss Listener. And Fathom. I wish I could see them. I wish Listener hadn't stopped talking to me after our graduation ceremony, when it all fell apart... when...
No.
I'm not going to think about that. About everything that happened. About all the mistakes I've made...
Just sleep. Worry about it tomorrow. There's still a week until the wedding anyway.
I focus on the steady sound of Darkstalker's breathing until finally, I fall asleep.