𝐀𝐍𝐎𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐈𝐍.
chapter forty-five; James Potters' Biggest Fear
" You got any better at astronomy? "
THE POST-HOLIDAY depression had been very real in Madeline Potter's seventh year. It was less because of the whole going back to school part of it, and more so because her holidays had felt incomplete.
Christmas was wonderful but afterward, it was nothing but the same old same old.
No post-Christmas day happiness, the films ended when Lily left, songs came to a halt when Remus announced his departure, and Madeline could swear the champagne lost its bubbles when Peter said he had to go.
New Years wasn't the same. Lily had come over, but aside from this is was strictly a Potter and Black family event. The air was tight with tension was the clocked ticked closer to midnight, three couples shoved into a room already crowded with awkwardness.
Lily and James shared a gentle kiss at midnight, as did Euphemia and Fleamont, and Sirius only gave Madeline a sweet smile, the two clinking their champagne glasses together. They weren't ready to be a regular couple in front of them, it was strange and bizarre and their kisses felt like secret treasure, and exposing it to James was a risk of tainting this, and neither wanted that.
They were okay with sharing a sofa cushion and laughing together, lingering looks and goodbye kisses no one else saw. Holding hands freely and mindless contact, it was all enough for them.
But Madeline was feeling the full effects of missing her twin.
It seemed twins had an extension of the sibling bond every other kid with a brother or sister shared. They'd been everywhere together until age 11, and even following this they'd only be split up in dinners and classes. But holidays were sacred, they were ignoring the year-long fights for the sake of traditions, and this was the first year nothing made a difference.
James hadn't helped Madeline and Euphemia decorate the tree, he'd not asked Madeline for the piggy-back New Years' tradition, nor had he made any attempt to sit on the train back to Hogwarts with her.
And with all these damn thoughts, Madeline felt the cold tendrils of insomnia hug her tightly, forcing her out of the bed that suddenly felt more like a prison. A strange part of her wanted to be caught, wandering around past curfew, which is why she had no trouble going to the only wide-open space on school grounds.
It appeared someone had already had this idea.
"The hell are the chances?"
James sat up quickly at the voice, only to relax in realizing it was Madeline. She was still in silky blue pajama bottoms, her usual tank top replaced with a large t-shirt James had seen splayed across his own dorm room more times than he could count. Something about her wearing Sirius' clothes made the nitty-gritty details more real in his mind and, briefly, he felt nauseated.
"Right," Madeline mumbled, shoving her hair back, "Sorry, um, night."
"Oh, no, you don't have to leave," James said quickly, his voice cracking as he did.
"Oh, alright."
Madeline stood for a beat, before sitting on the damp grass with a sense of finality. Her legs were crossed, and she was a strange distance from her brother, who'd pulled himself into an upright position.
James let his head lull back, staring up at the inky blanket of the sky.
"You got any better at astronomy?"
"A bit," Madeline mumbled, looking up as well.
"What's that?"
"Draco," The brunette responded, following James' pointer finger into the sky, "Pretty sure."
"Probably not."
"Ass."
"Eh," James shrugged, letting his hand fall into his lap.
Madeline pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them. Should she say something? Probably. But what? The last thing she wanted was yet another fight with James, perhaps avoiding the attempt was the only thing to way to keep the half-way peace.
"You know what's weird?" James said abruptly, yanking Madeline into reality. She didn't have time to answer as he continued on, "I'm really upset that we didn't ring in the New Year the way we always do."
"Really?"
"Yeah," James nodded, looking at Madeline briefly, "It feels like bad luck."
"It makes me sad."
"I feel like I've been doing that a lot the past few months," James admitted quietly, shocking Madeline enough for her to believe the words didn't actually come out of his mouth. "You know i never meant to, right?"
"You said hurtful things."
"We always say hurtful things, we're twins," James scoffed, becoming somber after a long pause, "I mean, you getting hurt as a side-effect of what I did. . . I really thought I was being a good brother."
"You're a good brother."
"I'm not," He denied softly, "I always wanted to protect you, Dad told me when we were kids that I should look out for you, that was my job as your brother. I, uh. . . well, I guess I just kind of got really. . . absorbed in that. Looking out for you. I didn't want you to play quidditch 'cause I thought you'd get hurt, I. . . didn't want you to date Keeler 'cause he prided himself on the birds he'd get in bed— talk about them like trophies. . . I was scared Sirius would do the same thing. Petrified."
"But you know Sirius," Madeline said, feeling as though she was walking on eggshells, "You know he's not that kind of guy."
"Mads, when it comes to you, I always think the worst is gonna happen," James let out, "And I have to stop the worst. It wasn't about you not being capable of handling it, you've sort of been through a lot— you're a badass quidditch captain, by the way. . . It was more about you not having to be tough enough. If the bad stuff never touched you, then it didn't matter. I guess. This sounds like a bunch of rubbish, doesn't it?"
"Just a bit," Madeline joked gently, making James laugh and hang his head.
"I just— do you remember learning boggarts in third year?" James asked abruptly, "It turned into your biggest fear?"
"Sure."
"Well, mine was you," He said, "You were crying and all beaten up and you just kept saying I didn't help you. It's totally irrational, my biggest fear being my sister hurt, but it is. I didn't even know it before then— thought it'd be a heap of Sirius' dirty laundry or a giant snake."
"I didn't know that," Madeline said quietly, unsure of how to respond.
"Nobody did, really," James shrugged, "And so, I guess I'm really just trying to say I'm sorry for being selfish. It's bigger than you and Sirius now, to me, at least. I've made your life hell and thought I was making it better. I was, uh, what's that word? Fueled— I was fueled by my own fear instead of worrying about your happiness."
"My happiness isn't yours to worry about," Madeline reminded softly.
"I know that now. That we're both of age— strange enough— and you can handle yourself well enough. I'll only help if you ask for it."
Madeline smiled lightly, picking grass out of the ground and letting it fall slowly back onto the ground.
"Hey, Maddie?" James asked quietly after a second, watching the grass sprinkle onto Madeline's PJ pants, "I'm sorry. Really. I'm happy you're happy, it's still weird, sometimes. But Sirius is. . . not bad. He's actually really good. I know you know but I'm just uh— you're both really great people and I only ever wanted good people for you both and you just kind of seems like the only ones good enough for each other— that was a lot of words."
"You're word-vomiting," Madeline said, laughing. James shook his head and chuckled, crossing his arms uncomfortably, "Thanks, James."
"Yeah, of course."
"So, uh, I'm dating Lily now."
"I know that, James."
"Well, yeah, but the circumstances weren't the best when you found out," James mumbled, ruffling his hair up, "It was more of a question about how you felt about it."
"I think Lily's great," Madeline smiled, "Plus, if you two get married, she'll be my sister-in-law, so I'm in full support."
James' laugh was unbridled instantly, making Madeline laugh, too. And the air around them was no longer full of silence or heavy with anger, it was brimming with laughter that only they could share.
"Do you really think Sirius and I are good together?"
The laughter had died down and the siblings had fallen back onto the grass fully, staring at the constellation Madeline had identified incorrectly.
"Yeah. I do. And I think you're good for him. I mean, really, really good for him. The whole Regulus thing. . . Well, I'm sure you know how much that mattered to him."
Madeline could tell James wanted to say more, so she waited.
"He's been through a lot," James said with a sudden sadness his sister hadn't expected, "And he's been working on coming out the other side for a while. I think you helped him with that."
"I think he did it himself," Madeline whispered.
"You would."
Madeline wouldn't say it out loud, but knowing not only James though Sirius was good enough for her, but she was good enough for Sirius made her happiness bubble over like a cauldron too small.
"Now there's only one thing left to do."
"What's that?"
"Well, I believe you owe someone else an apology."
"Suppose I do. . . want to come with me?"
"If I have to."
"Come on, let's get this done before Minnie catches us and we're all stuck in detention."
"Again."
( AUTHOR'S NOTE. )
I love this story so much
and I only have 5 more
chapters and it makes
me kinda sad so, sorry
updates are so far and
few between??