Chapter 44
Losing Alex felt like a part of me was missing. If you look at it, that wasn’t necessarily far from the truth. Alex was a part of me. He was not just my guardian angel. He was also a friend, a parent figure, and someone I loved more than life itself. And he’s gone forever.
“Zoe, naririnig mo ako?” Jax snapped his fingers right in front of my face, “Wala ka na naman sa sarili mo.”
Saka lang ako natauhan nung sinabi niya yun, “Sorry, Jax. Ano na nga uli yun?”
Umiling-iling naman siya sa akin. He pointed at an empty area sa tabi niya, “Aalis na si Wally. Today is… D-day. Remember?” sinabi niya sa akin, “I don’t know what else to tell you considering you were probably not even listening 98% of the time.”
“Oh.” Lumabas na lang sa bibig ko, “Wally, mami-miss kita.” I said out loud at an empty space, “I wish you well. Sana maging masaya ka sa pupuntahan mo.”
Nakatingin lang si Jax doon sa empty space na iyon at panay ang salita niya dahil kinakausap niya si Wally. Nung natapos na siya, lumingon siya uli sa akin, “Sabi niya masaya na daw siya. Sana ikaw naman daw ang maging masaya,” huminto si Jax doon sa pagsasalita niya, “At thank you raw sa lahat ng ginawa mo para sa kanya. Sorry na rin sa lahat ng mali niya. At…” tumingin siya kay Wally, “Ano na nga uli yun? Ang haba naman kasi ng speech mo…”
I forgot to mention one key thing about myself. Nung nawala na si Alex sa buhay ko, it seemed like I reverted back to who I was before I even met him. Wala na akong nakikitang kahit anong kakaiba. No angels, no ghosts, nothing unusual. I’m just, plain Zoe. That is one reason why hindi ko na rin nakikita si Wally ngayon.
“Bye Wally.” Sinabi ko na lang at kumakaway ako sa kawalan, “Siguro magkikita tayo one day no?”
“Oh huwag kang iiyak! I hate it when girls cry. It’s annoying and it’s awkward…” Jax waved his hand, “Just don’t cry Zoe. Spare me the trouble.”
Tinulak ko naman si Jax, “Hindi ako naiiyak okay? It’s a happy event.” Tumingin ako sa direksiyon ni Wally ulit, “Sana lang nandito si Trixie to send you off.”
“Ayaw nga nung tao. Malulungkot nga siya…” tinuro ako ni Jax, “Be sensitive okay?” After he said that, kay Wally na naman siya uli humarap, “I would say, come back and visit, but I’d rather you not.” He joked with him, “Have a party wherever you go.”
From what Jax was telling me, Wally was vibrant and he disappeared out of thin air like a smoke after that. Medyo naiilang pa siyang ikumpara si Wally sa kung anong nangyari man kay Alex because Alex’s departure was somewhat dark. He did say Wally’s departure was like an ‘ocean in the middle of the desert.’ I laughed at him nung sinabi niya yun dahil hindi bagay kay Jax na may ganun, although the metaphor felt like it hit home. I think he did it on purpose because it’s his poor attempt to sound like Alex although it did sound like something he would say.
Habang naglalakad na kami nung nawala na si Wally pabalik na sa campus, Jax randomly stopped kaya ako rin napahinto akong bigla. “Ano?” tinanong ko naman siya.
“Your guardian angel is here.” sinabi niya sa akin with a low voice. Nakita niya siguro yung itsura ko nun dahil nagulat ako sa sinabi niya, “A new one.” Was all he said.
***
“I’m giving it back to you…” narinig ko na sinabi ni Trixie sa akin sabay abot niya sa akin nung isang makapal na binder, “Professor V agrees as well.”
Tinignan ko naman si Professor V nun. I’m pretty sure I looked very confused sa nangyayari. Akala ko ba hindi na ako ang director ng event na ito? “Are you giving me a distraction?” tinanong ko si Professor V ng deretsahan.
“Siguro…” sinagot naman niya sa akin, “Pero nag-promise ako sa iyo na kapag tumaas na yung grades mo eh ibabalik ko sa iyo. You’ve managed to do that so far so I guess it’s fair to give you back the event. After all, it was originally yours.”
“Oo nga Zoe. Siyempre dati hindi ko naman ia-admit na mas magaling ka sa akin, pero ngayong na friends na tayo… inaamin ko na…” ngumiti naman si Trixie sa akin, “Ikaw talaga ang magaling sa ganyan. Back up lang talaga ng talent ko. You have the eye for it.”
Mukhang seryoso pa yung mukha ni Professor V sa akin na para bang pinipilit niya ako na gawin yun, “It’s in two weeks. You have to do it.” Sinabi niya sa akin, “Let it be a celebration of life, Zoe.”
When I heard what he said nung dulo, saka ko naisip kung ano yung ibig sabihin niya. A celebration of Alex’s life. Siguro nga. To honor him, maybe this is the only thing I can do to thank him. Trixie didn’t think anything was unusual dahil hindi naman niya alam na guardian angel si Alex at nagmakaawa lang siya na kunin ko na daw uli yung event dahil stressed out na stressed out na siya.
I took it back from her and I agreed that I’ll finish the event. I’ll have the best event this school has ever seen. I’m doing this not even for me, but for Alex. I want to celebrate his existence.
Bago pa kami nakaalis doon sa office ni Professor V, mabilis na kinuha ni Trixie yung kaliwang kamay ko at itinaas niya, “Oh my God! Are you engaged? Since when?”
She inspected my hand at tinignan niya yung singsing ko. The ring that Alex gave me nung nag-photoshoot kami. Naaalala ko pa noon na sabi niya na huwag ko daw isusuot sa kaliwang kamay ko dahil baka mapagkamalan daw na engaged ako. You know what, at this time, I don’t mind giving that message to anyone. Maybe I am crazy. I just don’t think I’ll get over him at all.
“I have to go home…” sinabi ko na lang without answering Trixie’s question, “I’ll give you an update about the event bukas.”
Panay pa ang sigaw ni Trixie nung papaalis na ako. “Hoy! Paliwanag mo sa akin yan!” narinig ko na sinabi niya pero nag-wave na lang ako sa kanya at nakaalis na ako.
Kahit na sinabi ko sa kanila na uuwi ako, hindi naman yun ang ginawa ko. I drove around on my own. These past few days, I tried to find traces ni Alex kung saan kami dati pumupunta. Every morning I’d drink at the coffee shop on my own kung saan kami dati umupo. I even visit the park at night na malapit sa bahay namin kung saan kami nauupo dati. I even went malapit sa bahay nila Trixie kung saan galit na galit sa akin si Wally nun. How long has it been? 5 days? 6 days? One week? Two weeks? Hindi ko na alam. I lost track and I stopped counting. I’m afraid na sa sobrang tagal na niyang nawawala, baka malimutan ko na yung mukha niya. I only have his sketches to make me feel better. If only I have pictures to prove he was even with me. Kahit yun man lang.
Teka, pictures? We did take pictures. That one day…
I was out in no time doon at dumeretso ako doon sa studio nung photographer na nakilala namin doon sa hotel. I parked doon sa tapat ng building nila nung makita ko yung pangalan doon sa labas. I’m pretty sure ito yung photographer na kumuha ng pictures namin that day. I felt my heart was beating fast for some reason.
As soon as I entered the studio, there was this girl na nasa harapan na bumati kaagad, “Good afternoon Ma’am! Can I—oh! Si Miss!!!” sinabi niya sabay turo niya sa akin kaagad, “Kumusta na?”
I recognized her as one of the girls na tumulong sa akin sa make-up ko that day. She seemed to have recognized me right ahead. “Okay lang…” sinagot ko naman sa kanya.
Pumunta siya sa likuran ng studio nila at narinig ko na may tinatawag siya. I walked around doon sa loob at tinignan ko yung mga pictures na nakasabit doon sa wall. Maraming pictures doon at sa kakatingin ko, nakita ko yung isang napakalaking portrait of me in the air at buhat-buhat ako ni Alex while he was looking straight up.
There he is. He… existed. I wasn’t crazy. It wasn’t me imagining things. He really was here.
I started crying in front of it hanggang sa makarating na si Kuya photographer na kasama namin that day. Fortunately, may mga tissue siya doon sa counter nila at inabutan niya ako ng isang box. I grabbed it at pinunasan ko naman yung mga mata ko. Nung tinignan ko siya, ngumiti lang siya sa akin.
“Pinakamagandang letrato na siguro na nakuhanan ko in a long time…” sinabi niya sa akin, “Kaya center of attraction ko yan dito.”
“Talaga po?” tinanong ko naman siya, “He’s beautiful, right?”
Inakbayan naman ako ni Kuya na para bang kinakalma niya ako, “Ikaw rin naman ah. Don’t sell yourself too short.” Tinignan niya ako mula ulo hanggang paa, “At anong nangyari sa iyo? Napilayan ka ba?”
Tumango naman ako at sinabi ko sa kanya na medyo minor lang yung injury ko kaya medyo healed na. I changed the topic pretty quickly dahil hindi ako ang pinunta ko dito.
Lumapit naman ako doon sa picture at tinuro ko naman si Alex. It’s clear, and he’s smiling sa picture na iyon. I can’t stop staring at him. “He’s quite perfect and it’s not an exaggeration. I don’t think I measure up.”
“Ano ka ba!” sinabi naman niya sa akin, “Matagal na kitang inaabangan na magpakita dito. Nagpunta na siya dito dati at gustong bumili ng mga letrato. Binigay ko na lang sa kanya na regalo…” pinaliwanag niya sa akin.
“Si Alex po pumunta dito?” tinanong ko siya uli.
Tumango naman si Kuya nun. Nakatingin lang din siya sa picture na nasa harapan namin,, “Oo. Matagal-tagal na. Siguro a few days after nung shoot niyo…” tumingin naman siya sa akin, “You might not think you’re perfect, and maybe you’re not, but you are for him. Mahal na mahal ka ng batang yun.”
“Mahal ko rin naman po siya…” sinabi ko naman kay Kuya.
“Basta kapag kinasal kayo, ako magiging photographer niyo ha!” siniko naman niya ako.
Nasaktan ako doon sa sinabi niya. Getting married to him is something I used to dream of. Pero ngayon, kahit na sa anong paraan, gusto ko siyang makabalik. I am even willing to give up that dream just as long as he comes back.
After nung bisita ko doon sa studio ni Kuya, I ended up with an envelope full of pictures namin ni Alex. He gave it to me as a gift dahil sabi niya eh dumami raw yung naging customers niya after nung maging promotional picture niya kami ni Alex. He thinks we’re both lucky.
Kung alam lang niya na malayo yun sa katotohanan.
Umuwi na rin ako pagkatapos doon sa studio. As usual, my dad was not home. We never really got to talk to each other ng maayos after nung away namin last time. He became colder. I didn’t think it was possible to be much worse than he already was prior to that fight.
Like a routine these past few days like I was just getting by day by day, I changed into my pajamas. Dahil wala akong gana kumain as I felt sick to my stomach, I just grabbed a small bowl of ice cream at dinala ko sa kwarto ko. Nanood na lang ako ng TV kahit na wala akong maintindihan.
Another thing about being depressed: nothing sticks in your head.
Nakailang channel ako at hindi ko pa nauubos yung ice cream when I felt like throwing it all up. Nothing. It felt like it was going to come straight out but it just hurt my stomach. Nothing came out.
“Zoe…”
I heard someone call my name. Mabilis kong kinuha yung tuwalya ko at lumabas ako doon sa banyo. “Alex?!?” sinigaw ko naman nung nakalabas ako.
He’s here. He has to be here. I heard a voice. I’m not hallucinating it.
I waited. But like anything else—nothing. Maybe I am going crazy. Siguro dahil sa kagustuhan kong bumalik siya, I even hear his voice. How I wish it was real.
My phone rang in no time. Nung tinignan ko yung caller ID kung sino yung tumatawag, nakita ko yung pangalan ni Trixie. As much as I didn’t want to talk to anyone, alam ko na hindi niya titigilan yung phone ko hangga’t hindi ako sumasagot. So I did.
“Hey Trixie…” I said when I answered the phone.
“Please tell me you’re eating something else other than ice cream…” she sounded like a Mom just then, “Kumain ka naman ng maayos! Depressed ka pa rin ba sa break-up niyo ni Alex?”
I am very much thankful I have Trixie in my life. Dati-rati, I’d be surrounded by a lot of people in school, but I didn’t feel like I connected with them. Pero sa totoo lang, kahit na gustung-gusto ko sa kanya sabihin yung problema ko, hindi ko rin naman magawa.
How am I supposed to tell her that Alex was my guardian angel?
“I ate ice cream because that’s the only thing I can stomach right now.”
“Don’t make me come there para lang subuan pa kita!” sinigaw niya doon sa phone, “Io-order kita ng pagkain at papa-deliver ko diyan. Dahil ba wala yung Daddy mo ganyan ka na? Ano ka ba!”
“I don’t feel like eating.” Sinagot ko naman sa kanya, “Ice cream lang ang gusto ko. I even felt like I was going to vomit it earlier.”
I heard her say a lot of things and it just went right out the other ear. Something about losing weight, vitamins, and hospital. Key words lang kailangan ko eh alam ko na yung gist ng sinasabi ni Trixie.
“You are too pretty to even do this to yourself. Sino ba naman yang si Alex? Kayang-kaya mo siyang palitan!”
There it is again. The talk about Alex being easily replaced. The truth is, I don’t think he can be replaced. “Trixie, I just feel sick. It’s not even about Alex.” I told her another lie, “Masama lang talaga pakiramdam ko. I get headaches a lot, I’m nauseated…” I stopped and I thought about it, “Like I said, ice cream lang ang medyo okay. Give me slack all right?”
“Masama na naman pakiramdam mo? I’m not giving you slack. That’s not normal.”
“Well then, you want to come over and drink with me then? Ayaw mong paniwalaan na masama lang pakiramdam ko? Mas gusto mo yung dahilan na heartbroken ako? Then sure, come over and drink with me.”
“Hoy, ano ka alcoholic? Huwag ka ngang uminom-inom diyan! Let me think this through…” sinabi niya, “I have to call Jax. And I’m telling you… huwag kang uminom! Sinasabi ko sa iyo ha!”
“Fine.” I said to her, “It’s not even fun to drink by yourself. Tell Jax to come over if you’re not.”
Wala na akong tawag na natanggap kay Trixie at hindi rin naman tumawag si Jax sa akin. I guess both of them weren’t interested in drinking with me to spare me from my misery. I probably look like someone with a stormy cloud looming above my head and I just bring sadness to everyone.
I can’t help it.
Para akong lovestruck teenager na na-heartbroken. I took out pictures of Alex from the envelope na binigay sa akin ni Kuya from the studio. I looked at them for a very long time habang nakahiga ako sa kama. I cried again. Yung akala ko na wala na akong luha, meron pa rin pala. I never run out of them. I fell asleep with the pictures under my pillow. Kahit panaginip lang sana magpakita siya, but nothing. Not even in my subconscious mind, Alex pays no visit anymore.
It hurts so much.
The next morning nung nagising ako, magang-maga yung mata ko sa kakaiyak ko nung gabi. I had no energy to do anything but I had to go to school. I felt sick again. There was no reason for me to wake up pero para akong machine na programmed to just go.
As soon as I opened the door doon sa tapat ng bahay namin, nakita ko na may naghihintay sa akin doon sa labas. He was wearing plain red shirt and dark pants. Nagulat na lang ako dahil ang aga-aga niyang nanduon.
“Anong ginagawa mo dito?” tinanong ko naman siya nung makita ko siya.
“Sinusundo kita…” sinagot niya naman sa akin.
I started walking as if trying to ignore him, “Wala akong sinabi na kailangan ko ng sundo. Kaya kong i-drive ang sarili ko.”
He grabbed me by my hand kaya napahinto ako. Tinignan ko naman siya at tinignan ko rin yung kamay ko. “Hindi ka pupunta sa school ngayon Zoe. We’re going on a little field trip.”
Hinila ko naman yung kamay ko pero hindi pa rin niya binitawan. Sa sobrang inis ko, hinampas ko siya nung isa pang kamay ko, “Jax ano ba? Ang aga-aga mong nang-aasar. I don’t see the purpose of this, okay?”
Bago pa siya sumagot uli, mabilis niya akong binuhat at itinakbo niya ako doon sa kotse niya. I kicked and screamed pero hindi ako makaalis sa sobrang lakas niya. In no time, naisakay niya ako doon sa kotse niya at ni-lock niya yung pintuan.
He ran on the other side at ini-start niya yung engine ng kotse niya. I tried to open the door again, pero kahit na naka-unlock na, ayaw pa rin mabuksan.
“Ever heard of child proof doors?” sinabi niya sa akin kaagad, “It comes in handy when you’re being difficult.”
“Ever heard of kidnapping?” I answered back, “This encompasses all of it.”
“I have to take you somewhere…” nakatingin lang siya sa akin, “It’s for your own good.”
“Ibaba mo ako kung hindi tatawagan ko yung Daddy ko!” sinigaw ko naman sa kanya, “Ano ba?!?”
Humawak naman siya sa pisngi ko, “Zoe! Zoe listen to me!” he screamed until I calmed down, “We’re going to the hospital, okay? We need you to get checked.”
“Oh okay. So I need to be checked by whom? Dietician dahil hindi ako kumakain ng maayos? O baka naman ng psychiatrist? You think I’m going crazy?”
Nanahimik naman si Jax nun at humawak lang siya sa steering wheel ng mahigpit. Yun lang yung time na nanahimik rin ako dahil parang concerned na concerned din siya sa akin.
“Trixie called me last night at napag-usapan ka namin. I came today to pick you up because it’s the best thing for you right now para maging sigurado…” he explained to me.
“I don’t think it’s nece—“
He cut me off really fast, “She thinks you’re pregnant.”