The warming light that shines on my eyelids is what stirs me awake. I open them slightly, blinking a few times. It's a window - A big one.
I'm not used to the sun waking me up. For two reasons: The first one is I normally have to get up for work before the sun rises, and the second is my mother boarded up the windows in my room.
She said it was because I was flirting with the neighbor's boy.
I wasn't
In fact, I hated the kid. He was four years older than me and gave me creepy vibes. He was my first kiss, but it wasn't my choice. He caught me walking home from school one day alone. He pushed me against the side of his house and stuck his tongue down my throat. My brother quickly found and me and ripped him away.
Elijah beat the shit out of that kid, then my father beat the shit out of his dad. Thinking back on it now. My mother never thought it was his fault.
She thought that I was just trying to cover up the fact that I was messing with that boy. I never thought back on these harsh memories of her until now.
Maybe she's always been a bitch
The next thing that catches my attention is the large warm object pressed against my back. I throw my head over my shoulder, looking for what it might be.
It's Cole
A normal girl would freak out, maybe even scream and push him out of the bed. That's what I should do. That is what would be the logical action.
But nothing in my life is logical
Instead, I shift my body to face him. Looking at his sleeping figure. He jaw relaxed, his chest falling in an up and down rhythm.
I trace his features, I couldn't help myself. I probably could, but I didn't want to. I wanted to remember him, to remember his face. I wanted a mental image of the gorgeous devil that I find so alluring. I wanted his features engraved in my hands so that even when I'm not with him, I can look upon myself and still see him.
I'm so used to people leaving me and things not going the way they should go. I've gotten so used to it that I don't even mind their departure from me. It's like a tradition now.
Like Christmas
Once people get their presents, which is what they came for, they leave. Then you have to clean up the mess they left behind. The mess they left, when they left you. However this time is different, I don't think about him leaving me.
Because I wouldn't be okay if he left
"Eso se siente bien, Gatita," The man under my fingers rasped, eyes still closed.
(That feels nice, Kitten)
I coil my hand back, startled, as I thought he was sleeping. His blues eyes open, they look as if they've been touched by storm clouds. Slightly cloudy, but still just as piercing as when I first saw them.
"I didn't mean to startle you," He chuckles, shifting his body so he's posted on his elbows.The small movement making me very aware of how close we were.
"How long have you been up?" I ask, staring back down into the silk sheets.
"Long enough," His answer is blunt but telling.
He's been up for a while
"I would love to lie in bed with you forever, Princesa," He yawns, "But we have a few things to accomplish today," He presses a feather-light kiss on my forehead before moving to get up.
(Princess)
"We?" I shift to the edge of the bed as well.
"Yes, you will be coming along with everything I do today," He elaborates, "Please get dressed and head downstairs when you're done." The smile he shines at me is a quick one.
It looks painfully uncommon to his face
His lips are normally set at a very comfortable scowl, it speaks volumes on how he should be approached.
I lift myself off the bed into the closet. Walking in the different colors and material smile right back at me. They smell of a wonderful scent.
The smell of choice - something I haven't had much of in my life.
Choice
They say you always have one, but honestly, whatever happens, is beyond our control. We might have been born with choices,
To cry or to not cry
To shit or to not shit
It was all up to us.
Then we get older, more people tell us what to do and what not to do. Slowly the right of a choice is stripped away and we're left optionless.
Of course, this leads to the feeling of hopelessness which leads to critical despair. This is where I believe we start to settle.
Settle for that boring job
Settle for that asshat of a husband
Settle for having kids that you don't want
I like to think this is how I explain my situation. I like to think that this puts my shit life into a small book that I can open at my worst hours and say:
'Ah that's why I'm so fucked up.'
It makes it easier to have something to blame.
The clothes are a symbol of everything I've missed out on. They show me how good my life really could have been. They show a better future. My hands graze over the different materials. Deciding which one I'll wear today, or maybe even tomorrow. I think I'll like this part of my day:
Choices
I like having choices
***
I picked a dress. Why? Because I wanted to - I wanted to. I like wanting to do things, then doing it.
Tieing the heels up, I make my way downstairs. I can't help the anxious bubbles I feel rising in the pit of my stomach. In a small section of my conscious, while I picked up every dress I asked the question: Would Cole like this?
It's weird, I know, but I just want a compliment.
I step off the last step, looking around for a certain devil.
I see him before he sees me. He's leaning against the kitchen counter, on his phone typing away. He's in a deliciously tight suit, hugging all the curves in his muscles. His haired jelled, jawline sharp. He looked perfect.
"I didn't know the occasion," I start out, "So I picked this,"
"Whatever you picked out I'm sure is fin-"
He finally looks up, eyes scanning down my body. The way he's looking at me gives me chills. No one has ever looked at me like that. It sends spirals of fire down my body.
He looks like he would eat me and honestly at this moment I wouldn't mind. My body betrays me as it shakes with excitement. It knows this is the exact response it wanted.
"Jesus Christ," He mumbles under his breath, eyes slowly going up. His eyes finally connect with mine. The storm brewing violently within them.
"You look ravishing," He whispers, his voice littered with awe.
"You don't look too bad yourself," I chuckle lamely.
Cole gestures to turn with his finger. I allow the smile to cross my face as I twirl for him.
I feel arms wrap around my waist, immediately my breath hitches. He turns me around with a small embracing smile. I could breathe and our lips would be touching. The feeling of his body on mine clouded my thoughts, blocking anything rational.
Before the gap closed he pulls away with a smirk.
I can't help the spark of disappointment that flares in my chest, but as soon as it arrived it was gone.
Trust no one, love, that's how you get hurt
His previous words ring in my head. He's right. Delightful thoughts are only for sleep. My thoughts about him are just because I'm desperate.
I should know better
"Ready, Princesa?" He asks, holding the door for me. The same stupid fucking smirk playing on his lips.
(Princess)
I flatten my emotions, hoping to beat him at his own game.
"Ready when you are, Love."