Eight| All before Nine
September 4, 2013
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//Milan\\
"Milan you gotta eat something." Jen told me as I laid in the hospital bed. Laying on my side I didnt speak to her, she wasnt the one I wanted to speak to. "Come on. I made it good for you."
"I dont wanna eat," I sniffled, "I want my baby."
"Im sorry Mi-"
"YOU CANT BE SORRY!" I yelled at her trying to calm down, "Its not your fault. It's mine."
"Don't say that okay. I know what it feels like to loose a son okay. I know the feeling."
"Yeah but I never even got to meet him Aunt Jen. To feel his delicate skin, to smell his scent for the first time. He was me, he was going to be mines and he's not even here." I choked out, "I killed him."
"Stop saying shit like that-"
"Its true. I put myself in the position for it happen. It's my fault. Its all my fault."
//HOURS AGO\\
"Minor about the age of fourteen, fifteen, server damage to the rib cage, abdomen, and lower back."
"Who would do this to a pregnant child?"
"A monster."
//NOW\\
I woke up without my baby, I woke up without him.
"Im not doing this with you," she chuckled getting up, "Youre social worker called,"
"What'd you say?"
"You were away in DR with your uncle Thomas and wont be back until school starts."
"And she took that."
"Yes Lano." She chuckled, "Look I know it hurts right now but its all gonna be okay, it just takes time."
"Yeah how much?" I looked at her, "One bad thing happened then the next, how long will it take me to get over the lose? How long did it take you?"
Shaking her head she said, "I never got over it girl, it hurts me still till this day but you know as the days go by, I just try to keep me busy. Thats all we can really do when we're avoiding whats really bothering us."
"Did you tell my mom?"
"Yeah."
"And what'd she said," I swallowed the lump in my throat watching her shake her head she patted my leg, "Ima go to the bathroom okay."
"Just ignore my whole question." I shook my head, "I guess that means she didnt say anything. putain de salope"
"Watch youre mouth-"
"NO, FUCK HER! SHE DOESNT CARE FOR WHAT I GOT GOING ON OVER HERE! I COULDVE DIED YESTERDAY!"
"You don think I know that-"
"THEN WHY DOESNT SHE CARE!" I cried painfully, "WHY DONT THEY GIVE A FUCK!"
"Ok say she does, what is she suppose to do from in there?"
"Right." I scoffed, "You know you always have an excuse for her."
"There not excuses-"
"Then tell me why she wont talk to me? For real?"
"Milan-"
"For real! Why did she stop caring about me like that?"
"Its not that she stopped caring okay Mi. She's trying to protect you."
"Protect me from what?" I let the tears fall down my face, "What protecting is she doing! She hurting me!"
"Im sorry-"
"You can leave Jen, deadass." I shook my head at her done talking to her, "I wanna take a nap anyways."
Shaking her head she said, "One day you will understand okay." She walked to my side and tried to kiss my forehead, I moved away from her so she kissed my cheek to be funny, "Ima come by later okay."
"See you later." I pulled the cover all the way over my body as I continued to watch the show that played on the tv, tears falling down my face I couldnt help it.
I was suppose to be in here for one reason and one reason only.
To have my son, now thats out.
//HOURS AGO\\
The light was bright, I could hear them operating but feel not so much. I guess because of the mask I was in or whatever the case was.
I woke back up at the ending of his procedure, I seen the top of head, I heard his first. Or I thought I did, I thought I heard him and then he stopped.
"Whats wrong?" I heard a nurse ask.
The doctor shook his head saying, "This baby isn't breathing."
I got a small glimpse of him, he was a pale baby, hella small, it broke my heart as they carried him somewhere.
I didn't get to see him fully, I barely got to see him at all.
//NOW\\
"Hey stranger." I heard Ro's voice interrupting me from my peaceful sleep. "Cakes and them here to in case you wondering-"
"I wasnt."
"Well then I was tellin you," He let out a little laugh, but I didnt find a thing funny and he caught that. "Look im sorry-"
"It wasnt youre fault dont think of it like that." Besides, he's with his maker now. I couldnt have possibly been a good mother for him, this this is a good thing.
"Dont say things like that Milan."
"I didnt mean too." I crooked out, "How did he know?" The tears began to flood again, "I just-I did everything right Ro how did he know?"
He shook his head rubbing mine, "I couldnt tell you even if I tried mommas im sorry. For real, but it's gone get better. Im here for you." He kissed my hand.
I shook mine, "It just doesnt make sense. It was like, it was like he was for sure."
"He wan't punching on you?"
"No not since my fourth month I dont think well, until last night."
"You gotta tell somebody. You said that shit too casually, that shit aint normal." He shook his head.
"Like who? Then go to CPS and be mistreated by people like dem Ro, these people dont care about us."
"Well would be worth a try,"
"You dont think I have?" I took the cords and shit out my arms causing the alarms to sound off lifted up my hospital dress not caring if he seen me in my undergarments I showed him all of my scars, the ones visible, the ones that have blimish into my skin, ones that are new, "I try to tell, my fate is sealed Ro. Ive tried before and got my ribs knocked in and a broken leg so please, be my guest go tell so you can see me on the news a month later because guarentee he's gonna find me!"
"I wish it wasnt that deep but it is," I continued, "Youre a gay in new york, and im a helpless teenager. Those are the roles we play in this life Ro, those are our roles."
"Is that so," he tilted his head at me.
I scoffed, "Yes sir, yes it is."
"So thats all we ever will be? You tell it can change."
"Ima still be helpless Royal. Nothing ever changes."
"Tell me something. Do you want to tell?"
"Tell me this, if I tell and end up dead, whose fault would it be. His or yours?"
//This Morning\\
I finally woke from my slumber to be in a hospital bed. Just me this hospital bed, and the very bright light cascaded in my face.
I looked to the side of me and Joe was sitting there, he looked drunk, "He's gone Milan."
"Whose gone?" I asked before looking around, my heart sank to my ass I was about to have a panic attack, "Wheres my baby? Joe wheres my baby?"
"He not here." He smiled leaning forward, "he inna better place."
//NOW\\
He chuckled and started laughing, "You real funny. You know that right?"
"Haha Im very funny, hell im dead ass Ro. I cant tell, i've tried, it didnt end well for me. If I want out, ima have to be the one to actually get me out okay."
"And how you suppose youre gonna do that?"
"I dont know, but when I do, i'll remember our conversation."
"Oh my god, Milan you straight." Romeo said coming into the room with mad balloons and flowers and shit, Ro got up as he rushed to hug me. I groaned feeling him squeeze me.
"Not hard you might pop my stitches," even though its never for really happened to me I didnt want it to happen.
He laughed, "You right." Looking me over he shook his head, "Who did this to you?"
"It doesnt matter."
"The fuck you mean it dont matter you fucking dumby." He hissed, "When this even happen to you."
"Ight ima head out," Ro said leaving I smacked my lips, "Ro you ca-"
"Yeah, nah im good." He walked out fully, I smacked my lips.
"So? What happened."
"It's nothing. It was all for nothing anyway." Ugh, I have to stop crying.
"Yeah, the baby." He scoffed, "When was you gonna tell me? After you had it?"
"Actually yeah. Just like how you waited to tell me you married Keisha."
"So this was Revenge,"
"No, it was an accident."
"Please," he looked me up and down. "Even crazier thing was I had to hear about it from my boy too and not yo hot tailed ass."
"What the fuck are you even talking about?!" I yelled before trying to calm down, "You got me fucked up coming in here acting like you know what the fuck goes on!"
"I dont?"
"NO! You dont know! Jodidamente estúpido. Siempre piensa que sabes algo, típico nigga!" I called him out, and its true. Ever since we were little he thought he knew everything.
(Fucking stupid. You always think you know something, typical NIGGA)
"You full of shit Mi. He told me he seen you at the mall, I had to go to Val to get some info on you."
"Yo word to my dead you werid as fuck. GO TO HER BUT YOU COULDNT ASK ME YOURSELF WHAT TYPE OF NIGGA ARE YOU?!"
"FOR YOURE INFORMATION I DID GO TO YO SPOT, YOU WASNT THERE!"
"What?"
"Yeah! Joe told me all about you sneaking in the house and shit, going to yo little boyfriends and shit, I wasnt surprise you was pregnant after."
"YOU TOLD HIM!?" Tears branched my eyes, "YOU TOLD JOE I WAS PREGNANT!?"
He jerked his head back like he didnt know what the fuck I was even talking about, "I thought he knew?"
"Obviously the fuck not." I shook my head, "Your the reason im in here. You and im guessing Drako. Right, Drako the one that told you?"
"Milan-"
"YOU THE REASON I NEVER SEEN MY BABY YOURE THE REASON HE'S DEAD!"
"DONT PUT THAT SHIT ON ME!" He shook his head.
"BUT IT IS YOURE FAULT! You. You told on me." I couldnt even look at him, "You know when I first found out about him, I didnt even think about the what ifs, I knew he was mine and I wasnt gonna get rid of him. I was gonna take care of him be a better momma then mines is. Sure we wouldnt have had that much money but we was gone have each other, he was my baby, and you got him killed." I wiped the tears I let fall and looked at him.
I need him to know that im serious, I need him to know that I mean business. "When you leave which will be when I get done with what im saying youre gonna do all of three things. 1. never talk to me again, 2. Not concern me in any of youre shit, and 3. forget I EVER EXSISTED."
"Mi-"
"Bye Rome."
"Look im sorry Mi. IM sorry."
"I dont care. Goodbye." I felt the frog in my throat pulsate as I looked at the tears that branched his eyes. It was was my wish, at the moment it was the only thing that I could think of at the moment that would make me feel better, "I want you to leave. NOW!"
"Ight cool. You wanna push me away right now thats fine, but you do it to me its gone be what you do to everybody else any other person that comes into yo life,"
"Thats sounds lovely Rome, please. Leave." He shook his head at me and kissed his teeth saying, "Ima see you." He walked out after that, I couldnt help but to bust out in tears. Royalty came back in and hugged me, "Let it all out Mi." He rubbed my back, "Im here."
I just couldnt stop crying.
"It hurts so bad,"
"I know, I know." He kissed my forehead, "Roro's here."
Yeah, hopefully forever.
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ENDING OF CHAPTER VIII
All before Nine
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