All your stars are in view
I get lost loving you - "The Bird", SYML
********
I woke with the sheets curled around me. In fact, I was clinging to them. Given my wrestling match with this modest thread count last night, I found this development fascinating.
I know I fell asleep on the couch sometime before our beloved Medic had met his gut-wrenching end, that much was accurate. The fuzzy piece was how I got in this bed. Vaguely I recall Sebastian coaxing me out of my dreams. Dreams that had surprisingly been enviable seeing how much of a mess my head was while conscious.
The dream was so stupid too; nothing extravagant. A simple shot of me and Sweets doing something boring and normal like normal people got to do. And of course, we were arguing. The tone was more of the teasing variety than malicious and in the waking hours of day, I wished with my whole heart it was an experience I could claim as my own.
Plates, we'd been arguing about plates. I couldn't remember why or what we actually said but I was holding up a plate and we were bickering. See? Stupid.
But there was a peace, a sense of completion between us in that one single moment. I wanted that. I wanted it so badly that my body ached from the strain and the longing. Each nerve trying to break out from their encasement to latch onto his.
Needless to say, after finally finding reprieve, I was not happy about being woken up by the very person who had jump-started my rebellious cells into a downward spiral. He carried me, that much I remember. He carried me and I was very upset with him for disappearing for so long.
There was a part of me that had hoped he'd take me to his bed and not my barren one. Disappointment in finding my own pillow beneath my head, I silently pleaded for him to stay with me instead. He didn't. I can only surmise that him touching my covers is the only reason they remained wrapped around me.
He touched them, therefore they no longer felt suffocating. Perfect rational logic...pffffft, yea right, your threads have frayed beyond repair and it shows.
It didn't really matter. I found the living room empty and silent in the morning light. Sweets was either gone or sleeping. Seeing that his keys were on the kitchen counter, my money was on sleeping. He wasn't getting enough of it so I didn't want to disturb him.
Soundlessly, I got ready and began creeping out of the condo. At the counter I paused, his keys just staring at me. We made promises last night, didn't we? At least I think I made a promise to myself somewhere in there—more words that danced around the edge of conscious reason.
I grabbed the notepad and scribbled out a quick note telling him I was heading out for a bit, but not to worry, I should be back by dinner time. It wasn't until I tucked the pen back into its holder that I realized I signed off with a single x next to my name.
It came so naturally, I hadn't even been aware I'd done it. Swallowing deeply, I stepped back. Leaving my intimacy lying on a cold granite surface. If time was infinite but contingent to gravitational intensity due to mass, then this was the moment where my love for him could live forever.
The further I stepped back the faster my end will come. I couldn't be certain of his feelings for me, or how deep they ran, but I wanted—no needed—him to know where in my heart he lied. This exit wouldn't be my first choice if there was a choice I could realistically make.
And when he could no longer see me standing before him, here would be his proof that wherever I was, he wasn't that far from my mind and that there was a time where he was my center. Maybe that would be torture for us both, but like all of my mistakes, it'll make itself heavily known when it was far too late to change. This was one bout of pain I'll readily accept.
I took the stairs down to the lobby. Needing the burn in my muscles to keep me moving steadily. Every prolonged second here was convincing me it was time to rethink my overall plan. The argument was sound, the points valid, but one look at my reflection was enough to puncture the balloon of possibilities and remind me it was just a whimsical fantasy.
Out on the pavement, with the frost still clinging to the gritty surface and the cold biting into exposed skin, I closed my eyes and tilted my face toward the beginning glow of the sun. The streets smelled the same. The sounds still echoed its familiar song. The center of our world still rotated above us through its seasons.
But I was altered. And all of these moments emphasized the hollowness that was growing as I left pieces of myself all over the grid of this city. The largest piece resting on a shiny countertop sixteen floors above me.
I shoved my numb hands into my pockets and glanced around. It was filled with people but rather empty this early on. I clung to the crowds and kept my eyes on every possible threat. Staying away from nooks and crevices that could be the beginning of the end.
My feet carried me aimlessly as the two ends of the scale battled for control in my head. There was no reason, no destination. I moved and watched, enjoying the proof that a normal life was possible for some even if I would never get a chance at it. At some point when you've exhausted every emotion, you accept that some pieces lie where they lay because that's where they've always been intended to be.
I was mildly surprised to look up and find myself standing before Zhou's Market. My mind may be a mess, but my heart at least knew where I needed to go. Feeling resigned, I stepped through the door. For once looking for the owners and not for supplies.
Kun wasn't in his normal spot and a pang of sadness pattered through my veins. I didn't know if I'll get a chance to come back after today, after all, I had preparations to make. Plans to set in motion. There was a location to be picked, tickets to be bought, apartments to be scurried through the trench that was the internet. I've given myself two weeks to evacuate. I was down to twelve days.
"One moment!" A young clerk called out to me. He must be new, I didn't recognize his voice.
I walked toward the counter, slowly rotating one of the displays to kill time. It would be just my luck if Lei and Kun were both out on the day I needed to confess with a goodbye.
He came bounding down the aisle, meeting me at Kun's perch. "Sorry, I'm supposed to be greeting, but uh, duty called." He shrugged a lazy shoulder.
"Is Kun alright?" I asked. Worry gnawing on my intestines.
This stranger waved a hand. He was young, looked about to be seventeen. He was cute in that devil may care way. "He's fine. Just a little cold but ā yí wouldn't hear a word of him coming down today."
"Oh." Well, that was a relief. Wait...
He reached out a hand, "I'm Jo, ā yí's favorite thorn." I took his hand befuddled, he leaned in to whisper. "Despite what she says. I so am the favorite."
He took in my confusion. I was confused. My brain has been battered and drained of all intelligence. He took pity on me with a mischievous grin. "Lei. She's my ā yí, er, aunt. She's my aunt. My dad's oldest sister." Jo nodded along to my nods with every word he spoke. We were synchronized bobbleheads as these facts seeped into my brain matter.
Nephew. This was her nephew. I hadn't even known she had siblings, let alone young enough ones to give her a seventeenish nephew...Just how little did I bother to learn about this woman who wanted nothing more but to help me? "Oh, I'm so sorry, she just never—"
"Mentioned us?" He offered helpfully, still holding my hand. Somehow this didn't feel awkward, it was actually kind of grounding. "Yea, I'm not surprised. When she's here, she's sort of all shop all the time." He smiled and I pulled my hand out of his.
"That sounds about accurate. I'm Dalia, one of her regulars?"
"Ah, Dalia..." He drew out my name in interest. Oh boy.
"Joseph! I told you to let me know when you leave the front unattended!" Lei came marching toward us. "And stop harassing this one, you'll scare her off and I quite like her."
"Yes, ā yí, I apologize. Although I wasn't harassing anyone, just making new friends." He grinned at Lei.
"Agh." Lei waved him away. "Back to your post." She hid her smile. I'm thinking Jo was right on the money about him being her favorite.
"Nice meeting you!" He shrugged with a twinkle in his eye then moved toward the entrance for behind the counter.
"Dalia, how wonderful to see you." Lei turned to me with bright eyes that dimmed, and lips that tightened when she saw my cheek. I've been beaten around so much, I keep forgetting that I'm walking around blue and purple.
"It's a long story," I confessed.
She sighed heavily. "Involving that thing you refuse to tell me."
I nodded. "It's not terrible." I swallowed the guilt. This was all a necessary evil.
"Alright come along." I don't know how she knew, but she led us to her Mahjong table. Meekly, I followed. This would be my chance to come clean—to a certain point that is.
Lei set the board up and I let my mind wander. Watching the familiar way her hands moved and letting that be my anchor for the storm to come.
It didn't take long for her to pull on the center string and peel apart all of the twisted threads. Now or never, D. Just get it over with.
"Lei..."
She looked at me, expectedly. But I think she knew, causing my heart to increase in tempo. A hunch that was proven correct not long after.
"You're leaving," She replied quietly. I nodded slowly. So slow I wondered if you could tell I'd moved at all. I lifted my eyes to her as I faced the floor. Avoiding the board in front of me. "How long?"
"I don't know. For a long time, most likely."
She took a deep breath. Everyone around me inhaled as if it was the last bit of air that would fill their lungs. Guilt was my constant companion, as I've long acknowledged. I just wished it would leave me be. "And the reason?"
I licked my lips, trying to hydrate the path of what came next. "I think you know."
Her hand reached out, a gentle thumb running along the cut of my cheek. Her eyes bouncing to my other injuries. Lei never asked questions, she knew there was a world that I had to hide from. Our interactions had taught me that. But still, like everyone else in my life, I felt the weight of her questions. The pain of her worst nightmares.
"And Sebastian?"
This pain was my own. The ache that tied itself to his name was only ever felt by myself. I could only drape my shoulders in the falsehoods that helped me put one foot in front of the other. "He stays. Where he belongs."
Lei looked down, contemplating. There were opinions and thoughts flickering through her mind that I knew existed but would also not be entirely voiced. "Will this work; will you find peace?"
I didn't want to lie. The answer was that there was no guarantee. Her reaction couldn't be worse than Sebastian's. "At some point, I'll have to move again. Or it'll be the end of the road."
"The dice always land the same then." Her eyes bounced between mine. "Why not stay?"
"You're at risk if I do."
"We can take care of ourselves, Lia." She pressed. Her will to change my fate evident in her posture, her tone. "I've seen enough of the world to know what to expect. I'm not concerned about my outcome." The familiar disappointment tried to make its way up but I forced it down. These emotions were tired and wrung out, I just wanted them to dry. "I want to know what he thinks of this."
"He's not happy. But this isn't his choice."
"That's not what I was saying. It's clear he cares for you." She moved a piece or two, I stopped noticing. "It hasn't been an easy road. My concern lies in whether this decision you've made will really make a difference."
I swallowed. "It'll keep all of you safe."
"But what about you, Lia. What about you?" The intensity in her tone cracked at my resolve.
"Maybe for a little while."
"A little while?" She shook her head disbelieving. "Is that enough? Is that all you are settling for?"
"It's the only option, Lei."
"An option." We stared at each other, willing the other to bend for our own cause. I was starting to believe I attracted the same type of person. Inhaling deeply, I broke our stalemate.
"When I can, and it's safe, I promise to send you a card. So you know that I'm okay."
"I'll look forward to it." She smiled sadly.
"I'll come see you, if it becomes safe. I will." The promise came hurtling out before I could filter it.
She nodded. "I have to wonder if maybe a different path wouldn't be more appropriate." Lei sat back, chin tilted up. "Sometimes we convince ourselves that the road we choose is the only one, and we block every other possibility in our stubbornness." She reached out and patted my hand, squeezing firmly before letting go. "Consider your options carefully, sweet Dalia."
I sat silently moving a piece for the sake of moving this along. Consider my options. A novel idea that had been thrown my way by Ronaldo. Lei wasn't forcing me to stay, in fact, she seemed to accept what was to come. She just didn't think that I was choosing right. At this point, might as well take a number and wait in line.
"How do you see this ending?" Fuck, neither one of them would let this go. It was like an application or test that kept asking the same question over and over again in different ways, waiting for you to trip up.
But it was a simple question. "Not very well."
She nodded. "Take to heart what makes your odds stronger."
"I—" The words floundered on my tongue. My odds were constantly changing; inching up only to plummet straight down. Lei's hand came back to cradle my face, her thumb barely caressing along the tenderized skin. Her eyes were soft and...sad?
"You will do what you know to be right, Lia." Her use of his nickname clenched my heart. "We are here, should you need us, yes?" I nodded. Lei's crooked index tilted my chin up, the tip resting on her knuckle. My nose stung and I was afraid I would break down right here. Sobbing into the comfort of her neck as I confessed that I didn't believe I was choosing right at all. I bit my lip to keep it all at bay. "Hold on to hope. Don't let one road blind you."
Her fingers drifted away, leaving a noticeable chill where they had once touched.
We finished our game in silence. My future tainting yet another relationship I've managed to build here. I wondered when it would become easier. When I would finally catch a moment of tranquility.
The answer didn't exist. If it did, I imagined it wouldn't be anything to smile about.
***
My foot passed the threshold just before dinner time. The sun had long ago set and I guessed I'd get an earful from Sweets.
Instead, I picked up the sound of two soft voices. They were moving through the condo like transparent spirits. Disembodied until I cleared the hall into the living room. I saw a packed bag, I blinked at it. Tightness in my chest threatened to tear my heart right out of my chest and catapult it to fucking Mars. Leaving me bleeding and gasping from the pain.
At Ronaldo's footsteps, my eyes darted up. My mouth dropped open begging to find its voice. To try and release the what the fuck that was burrowed in my throat.
Sebastian smiled at me, his eyes guarded. "Hey, Shorts." He hadn't reached out to hug me yet and it hit me that I had heard two voices. Jesus Christ, I couldn't do this.
"Hi?" My lips remained dry even as I tried to lick them. My tongue sticking momentarily.
"I'm going to head out for a few days." What?
"What?" Look at that, on the same page once again, mouth and brain.
I saw the shadow of a woman appearing behind him but I was suffering from severe tunnel vision. It was the fucking x wasn't it... that little bitch just chased him away.
"Eils popped in but needs a ride back. I'm going to take her home and visit with my family." I blinked rapidly, my brain processing every word a yard an hour.
"Uh...home?" He nodded. I wanted to panic but kept the feeling locked tight in my grip. Just get through this moment, Dalia. Just this one moment. I couldn't stop it though. Quickly I did the math.
I had twelve days. He would be gone a few. A few was what...three? That left me with nine days...nine days left with him and that was assuming my to-do list, work, and a possible extended stay didn't rip five more out of it.
A migraine started to form at the base of my skull. I took a couple of shallow breaths. Holding it in until I was certain I wouldn't burst into tears. Blinking rapidly, as if I was going through a system reboot, my face tugged into a blank canvas.
My emotions would need to wait. "Oh, okay." Finally, I was able to move my lips into something resembling a smile and looked at Eilis. "Hi, Eilis." I waved lamely, my body made of cement.
"Hey, Lia." To my surprise, she came forward dropping her purse to the floor near my feet and pulling me into a tight hug. "I promise to send him packing sooner." She whispered in my ear, a private promise.
I exhaled but tightened my grip around his sister. Needing to feel her promise in my arms. This move also surprised me. Interestingly enough the longer we held on, the more I loosened. My panic ebbing away.
She pulled out of my grip and parted with a meaningful look. I was too turned around mentally and emotionally to understand. "I'll meet you at the elevator, Sebbie." Out she went, leaving my thumping heart and a severe case of indigestion.
I didn't get a chance to turn back around fully before Sebastian hugged me tightly. He rotated me, providing a chance to cling around his neck. Lifting me up to leave me dangling in his arms, his face pressed in the crook of my shoulder. "I need to go help my Ma, but I'll be back, okay?"
His muffled words fused to my skin. I nodded because my voice was officially broken. If I tried to activate my vocal box, the sound would come out warbled like some warped sound strip. Gently placing me down, he ran a hand down my healthy cheek, pulling my forehead to his. "I'll see you when I get back." I smiled weakly in reply.
Sebastian didn't say more, but there was hesitation in his eyes. Eventually, he moved back, leaning in to kiss my cheek. It was only when he stepped away to grab his bag that I noticed I had been gripping his wrist tightly.
I dropped it immediately. My hand floating near my chest in a tight fist for a moment before hanging by my side. Sebastian gave me one more smile, standing part-way out the door, "Stay out of trouble, will ya?" He joked weakly.
Inhaling to speak, the words still would not come. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. He was leaving and I couldn't even muster a goodbye. What the fuck. The click of the door brought me back to the present, a moment too late. By the time I found the wherewithal to move out the door to say anything they were already gone.
My body moved, my mind disengaged. I found myself standing in an empty living room surrounded by silence. The silence that has seemed to follow me around since morning.
Now I had days of it. Seconds, minutes, hours, stretched to eternity. Dropping down to the floor right where I stood, I sat cross-legged and stared at the back of the couch. My devious mind counting every hour we have spent apart since my back alley busting. Dividing the hours by minutes then seconds. Leaving me with a number that I could hardly remember.
This meltdown agitated the migraine that was gaining momentum. Sniffing once, I stood and headed straight for my pain pills. The ones that would at least take away this pounding. Maybe I could sleep then. Sleep for the next three days until he came back.
The joke was never ending.
Insomnia kicked in leaving me to move around the apartment in agitation. In the end, I cleaned. Every one of my items lying around led to the conclusion that if I just put them away, if I just gave him back his space, then he would come home sooner.
This was crazy talk of course. One could not spark the motion of the other, and neither was responsible for this current situation. I was the catalyst. My fucking life was the catalyst. Eventually, when I could think rationally, I surmised that the cleaning had its uses. A fresh tidy home would be a nice surprise for Sweets to come home to.
I wasn't in denial enough to ignore the fact that I had a tendency to invade space like dark matter. My crap was everywhere, I was amazed to see I'd accumulated so many things since I've moved in.
By 2 am the condo was spotless. Sleep, still kept a healthy distance. I stared at cooking show after cooking show until 4 am. I didn't bother looking into why I stayed glued on the food network.
When I couldn't take any more of the knife-wielding hands that were missing some vital colorful sleeves, I shut the TV off.
The darkness and the silence wrapping around me once more. I didn't remember moving or even making the decision, but I found myself sitting in front of the balcony, watching the waxing moon's progression across the clear sky.
Nine hours down, infinity to go.
A draft came through the bottom, numbing my toes, but I hugged my knees to my chest and propped my chin down. Praying to pass out where I sat.
My prayers have never been answered, and tonight was no different.
***
My hand bounced off of the rolled down metal. The force shaking it slightly. I waited patiently for its inhabitants to let me in. It was freezing. A light snow had fallen sometime in the wee hours when I had fallen back to stare at the dark ceiling.
I was a real hoot to be around. As soon as the sun had made its appearance, I sprang into my morning routine. Eating a stale breakfast because that was just something to do. I took my time, trying to use up as much of it as possible.
Now I was here, standing outside of my old squat pad ready to dive into the nitty and gritty of our plans. Action was needed to keep me from losing my mind. Planning my eventual fuck-off was an action.
It smelled like sulfur and tasted like mold.
"Thank god," I muttered around the puff from my exhale as the door started to lift.
It was one of the little ones who opened it. I worried that they were lifting it without asking who was on the other side but when I counted heads, I noticed two were missing. It was late enough for them to have left for a supply run to the store. My concern ebbed.
"Hiya D." A gapped smile peered up at me. Someone had lost their two front teeth. I grinned back shamelessly.
"Cute look kid." I teased and pinched Oscar's cheek. "Tony around?"
"Yea, he's out back by the fire. We needed to get it going early, he said."
"Smart guy, our Tony." I ruffled his hair. "Head back in and close the door, kay?" He nodded and I helped him pull it down.
Walking around the corner, I found Tony by the fire. Poking at it with a stick. He looked foreboding. Shaking my head amused, I accepted the fact that every time I saw this gang, they kept changing. Speeding through their metamorphosis.
"Why so serious, Tony-Bologne?" I called out to him, stepping around the ice patches carefully.
His eyes squinted into the fire, he didn't dare move them in case the spark died. "Wouldn't you like to know." He joked.
"Always, my friend. Always." I stopped at his side, bending down to pick up a long stick of my own to help adjust the wood for the growing flames.
"Pretty early for you to be out isn't it?" He asked.
I scoffed. "Okay, grandpa. You going to boss me around too, Anthony?" I teased. It was nice to have playful banter to keep my mind off the fact that I was going to have to survive another sleepless night. Balls.
"Hey, I just want to make sure you don't turn into a popsicle on us." He snorted. After a moment, he finally looked up and hissed. Sigh, here we go.
"Shit... D." Tony followed the path of each floret.
"It looks worse than it really is." The words rolled out on a well-worn rug.
"Her?" He stood with shoulders back, lips thinned. If my life were a movie, these would be the scenes I would cut because reliving the pain I threw around like an overzealous flower girl was becoming so tiring.
"Does it really matter?" I toed the ground, trying to lift some of the melting ice. The weather as mercurial as my life. Start off with a freeze, then greeted with an abnormally warm hour. The overcast clouds promised hell—rain or sleet? I wondered.
"D, if you even have to ask..." Tony closed his eyes. "Is this ever going to end?"
"Sure it will, in about twelve days." I nodded at him.
He looked surprised. "We have a date?" I kept nodding.
"I've been eyeballing a few places..." I turned away, needing to keep the struggle within myself away from prying eyes.
Tony hmmm'd. "You don't seem so excited about this, D."
He didn't sound angry. Not even accusing. More like he was curious.
"My excitement isn't relevant in any of this, Tony." Facing him I took a deep breath. "I made a promise to you lot. And I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that you'll be with me."
"But..." His eyes shining with a knowledge that had my skin itching. I've surrounded myself with the same paper doll in different outfits. "They'll just keep coming, right?"
"You'll be fine by then. I'll make sure of it."
He narrowed his eyes at me. "And constantly sacrificing yourself is supposed to make that alright?"
"It's not a sacrifice if no one else gets hurt."
"That's exactly what a sacrifice is, Dalia. Come on, you are way too intelligent to believe any different."
"What do you want me to do? I'm approaching a dead end with one last exit."
Tony stared at the licking flames, giving them one more shove before setting his poker aside and coming toward me. "Sit." He pointed at an upturned bucket. This felt ominous in every single way.
"D, I don't want to help you keep running, not when I think you have far more here than you let any of us believe."
I plopped down, Tony claiming the bucket next to me. Gripping my hair, I let myself lean on my knees, bracing the weight that I'd never shed. "Your heart is here, right?"
My lips pressed tightly shut, I couldn't answer him. Tony didn't need me to utter a single word.
I picked a different route. "What would you do?"
"I'd fight it." His head tilted, voice gentle. "I know enough to expect it to be hell but it's so much better than constantly looking over your shoulder." He paused for a moment, examining me. This boy who I've seen since he could barely get out of a scrap without aid, had turned into a young man that'd seemed to find his will to survive, far better than I had. "Look if you still want to go, because I know you're extremely committed to a helping cause, then we'll come with no problem. Keep moving forward. We'll sit here and plan out every step, right now."
My air locked deep in my lungs and refused to budge. This was it, no turning back.
"But if you're hesitating, D, consider why and work off of that. You said your friend has been helping you right?" I nodded. "Am I wrong to think he promised to help with this?"
I looked away with guilt. Fuck he saw everything. "That's what I thought." I could hear his restrained smile.
"You don't know what you're talking about," I grumbled. Tony snickered.
"I've taken care of enough wounds, D." He elbowed me. "I know when I see a professionally treated injury. And I know that wasn't your idea."
Blargh. "When did you become so wise, huh?" I looked back at him, seeing a form of kinship.
"Since I found myself stranded on a concrete floor with no one else to help me." Tony tucked his hands into his pockets. Stretching his legs out and crossing them at the ankle. "Don't run, D. Not from this if here is where you really want to stay."
"And what about all of you? I made a promise." I stressed. "You're all so very important to me and I can't just back out."
"Yes, you can. You're not responsible for us, D. No, don't shake your head. We are yours and you are ours, but you aren't solely responsible for lifting us up. God, you feed us, you clothe us. You give us two nights a week at the nearest motel just so we can wash up and feel a real bed every once in a while."
My leg started to shake. Tony barreled on because why the fuck not? Everyone else seemed to be on the same page. Only Denial Dalia was swimming against the current, trying to reach the buoys instead of heading for land.
Tony tucked me into his side. "We'll be fine. We all want you to be happy. I don't know who deserves that more than you."
"I can't just leave you out here in the streets." I felt hopeless and torn.
Tony sighed. "Lady, you don't leave us in the streets. You've given us this place, complete with a heater, electricity, and something to cook on. This has been the easiest winter we've experienced. I was so hesitant to give up tent city but you convinced me that this was the right move. And you were right. It's been great to hear a storm out here and not have to worry about our tents collapsing because concrete was our shelter."
I let out a pathetic sound.
Tony urged my head onto his shoulder. My little bugger has become my mountain. I was going to have an emotional sobbing breakdown. "Noone said we can't finish that plan here."
"I can't exactly put my name on anything here without tipping off the Cretin." That was the crux of it, right?
"Then we find a way that you can. And I'm sure your friend will agree." BLARGH. They shared a brain. All three of them—I was convinced. They were part of a secret society and I was their right of passage. I couldn't fight the voice that said he was right.
Sebastian has been screaming that there are other options; I just needed to find them. "Not wrong." I relented.
"It'll work out the way it's supposed to. In the meantime, we're safe and sound." He smiled, patting my hand. "We're good, D. We are. And if this will mean you'll finally be free and happy? Then I want to give you that more than anything else."
I wouldn't back out of my promise. I refused; but a change of scenery on that promise wasn't prohibited. Damn, they were getting to me...
Stay. That...was a new concept. I've held on to this plan for so long, putting it on a shelf to pick up an upgraded version was triggering all of my anxiety switches.
Stay.
One word, four letters. The weight of a thousand suns.
I considered my options on that bucket, tucked away in my street urchin who had more sense than I've had in ten years, it seemed. I'd do right by all of them, no matter what it took. Now I just need to fix everything else.
***
Fuck do I miss him. I hated not hearing him moving around in his office or puttering around the kitchen. There was nothing left for me to clean to eat up the rest of the daylight. Work wasn't even an option because it was our damn weekend. How utterly inconvenient.
I tossed my soggy chucks in a laundry bag and into the wash. Pressing the buttons absentmindedly.
Feeling bored and demoralized, I meandered into the kitchen and tried to picture Sebastian there. What would Sweets be doing now? A late lunch because you're always hungry.
And that was absolutely correct. Snooping through the kitchen cabinets, I checked out what we had left in the house. Neither one of us had really gone shopping recently but I was sure I could figure something out.
After searching for things to make with the ingredients I had, I came across a simple recipe for Potato Salad. Seemed easy enough. For inspiration, I turned the TV on to my new vice, and cranked up the volume. Letting the space fill with the sounds of the host explaining the dish they were making.
I half-listened, tasting everything in Ronaldo's spice cabinets to get a feel for it. The recipe proved to be too simple to my liking, seeing that I was trying to waste as much time as possible, so I started bouncing around recipes and adding things on a whim. Fuck it, it's not like anyone but me would end up eating this.
I can always get rid of the evidence before Sweets gets back in another day or so.
As the salad chilled, I sliced some lemons and limes. Digging out a glass pitcher and filling it with ice and water. I found some fresh mint in Sweet's makeshift herb garden near the wall of windows; throwing that in there for good measure.
I taste tested my salad concoction as I tucked the pitcher away. Huh, not bad. Not feeling particularly hungry, I cleaned up my mess. Only two hours had passed by...mother fucker.
What else could I do? I nosed through some of the drawers, seeing if I could straighten anything out and came across Ronaldo's MP3 player. Deep in my Sweets withdrawal, I didn't even ask myself if this was an invasion of privacy. I just plopped those bad boys into my ears and scrolled through his music list.
Drowning myself in chords and beats that helped fill this restless anxiety. Shutting the TV off, I meandered into the library. Putting books back into order and finally pulling one off the shelf that caught my eye. I burrowed into the two-seater and got cozy.
Reading. How stupid not to think of that sooner? It didn't matter. One thing was certain, I was going to squeeze the ever-loving shit out of Ronaldo when he got home. I would tell him I missed him and hope that this freakishly clean abode would give him joy.
Settling in, I opened the first page and allowed my mind to be dragged down the streets of words and fantasy.
***
I woke up suddenly, it was fully dark now. The MP3 player had slid off, lying face down on my stomach, the book loose in my hand. I blinked and noticed someone trying to forcefully shove a book onto a shelf.
That's what woke me, the banging. I watched Ronaldo's lips moving in a grumble, I could vaguely hear him through the music muttering something about that's where it belonged. He was home. Was I dreaming? No, that certainly smelled like Christmas catnip... I grinned into the dark.
Flipping over the player, I checked the time. He was home really early. Like two days early. Well butter my bottom and call me a biscuit, Eils had kept her end of the bargain. I uttered out what I've been dying to say since he left so abruptly. "Hey, Beets."
"Jesus." Sebastian jumped, falling forward into a shelf. I bit back my laugh and pulled my earbud out. Ronaldo looked at me. I could barely see his face as the MP3 player blinded me. Fuck this thing was bright, I forgot about that. I stretched and fought my yawn.
He seemed rumpled and tired. I think we were a perfect pair. "You look cozy." His eyes seemed to rake over me, I could feel it. "Reading in the dark is bad for your eyes, Pints."
My eyeballs decided to gather the evidence. "Huh, I didn't even notice."
"Really now. The pitch blackness didn't hinder you at all?" Sweets asked, amused.
My eyeballs decided to roll. This guy. "The screen has been lit up the entire time. I couldn't shut it off, it's probably broken. It's also really fucking bright, Ronaldo. Talk about burning your retinas. Gave me enough light though." I rambled, uncurling from the cushions.
Blindly I set the book aside on the nearest surface. None of this was relevant. He was home and I wanted to hug the shit out of him. "I think I fell asleep there for a second anyway." I appealed to his reasonable side. No reading in the dark here, no sir-ee.
My feet carried me in quick steps to the only pull I'd never fight. The moment my arms got around that torso, my vital organs sighed. I took an ungraceful deep sniff of his chest and the sigh pushed itself out of my mouth. We were home. He was here. "Welcome Home, Sweets."
Somewhere in all of this, I started nuzzling that chest, it was magnificent. "It's been awfully boring without you here." And I was so tired; I could curl up on top of him and sleep for decades. "I missed you."
Quiet filled our bubble, then several glorious presses to the top of my head sealed our bubble shut. "I missed you too, Shorts." His words burrowing through my hair follicles and deep into the crevices of my brain. I was being revived.
I squinted up at him, ridiculously giddy. Ignoring the slight tug on my cheek and let my grin loose. Smiles had been scarce, I would accept this with open arms. Feeling possessed I made an offer that I should have second guessed. "You hungry?"
Sebastian's gaze felt like fire. Dense and oppressing in the most delicious of ways. Stay, stay, stay. I snatched his hand. "Come on, I managed to make a potato salad. It's not too bad either, if, I do say so myself." I tugged him out of the room, to hell with everything else. This was my balm, I was floating. His grip was real.
Sweets clung to my hand. A new strength to the grip. I enjoyed it far more than I should. Stay or go. Stay or Go. The two have been rattling there respective scales waiting for me to load them with pros and cons.
I'll tell you which one the nagging voice had picked. The one that told me to gird my loins and go forth into battle with that nutbar. It's only been dragging the entire ship to shore.
I dragged Ronaldo down the hall, proud of my cleaning adventures. "It's pretty spotless in here," he said quietly. He noticed. I grinned over my shoulder.
"I had a lot of time on my hands. Besides, I think my stuff was slowly invading every nook and cranny. Taking away your good housekeeping cred. It was time to herd them back in their cage." I snorted.
He let me lead him to his stool, so I could go putter around with my creation. "I like your stuff invading." Sebastian smiled. Be still my heart. I served up two plates of potato salad and some water. Laying the dish in front of Sweets. "What happened to your shoes?"
I slapped a hand to my forehead. "Shit, I forgot about those. They needed a good wash, some rude little assholes thought it would be hilarious do dump water out of a third-story window...in the winter. My legs got drenched. Should have seen it, Sweets. It was something out of a movie."
I made around the counter to rush to the laundry room. Quickly pulling them from their wash bag and setting them out to dry. I'd been lucky that it was around the block from home, or hyperthermia would be my first name.
Well, at least now they looked less abysmal. Albeit a little droopy. Back in the kitchen Sweets sat in semi-darkness. The moon lighting up the room just enough for me to see him stare unseeingly at the plate.
"It's not poisoned."
Sebastian's head popped up to look at me, eyebrows pulled in in question. "Hmm?"
I bit my lip to keep from grinning. "The salad. It's not poisoned. My secret murder plots are long behind me, Sweets. I solemnly swear."
I watched his face transform from the contemplative darkness that he hadn't seemed to shake when he came into the library, to something completely at peace. His eyes seemed unnaturally bright and warm.
It was the warmth of a fire I had been certain I'd snuffed out. "Well now, when you phrase it like that, I'm not so inclined to believe you. I mean you do solemnly swear..."
I walked over to the stovetop hood and slapped the light on, bringing us into a soft glow. "I use my solemnity when I mean it, Ariel. Now eat your potato salad."
He shook his head and ate a forkful. His eyes widening for a moment before he glanced back down. "Holy shit what's in this?"
I bit my lip nervously, I may have gotten carried away. "A little this a little that?"
He looked at me intensely. "Shorts, this isn't just okay. You were severely underselling it. Fess up, what did you do?"
"I was bored! I cleaned your house. I may have tasted all of your spices. I binged some food network—5 hours worth which by the way we have some serious talking to do about you joining one of those baking competitions—and somewhere in there I made a salad! After tasting your entire spice rack." I shoved two consecutive forkfuls into my mouth, chewing slowly to escape further answers.
Sebastian grinned at me. "I'm rubbing off on you, aren't I?"
"In more ways than one..." I grumbled under my breath.
"Yup, lots of rubbing." It sounded so obscene when he said it like that. He ate some more and contemplated. "I'm going to need to figure out what's in here."
I snorted. "Better you than me. I honestly have no clue what I did. I sniffed, I tasted, then I threw it in. I only kept it because I didn't die from dysentery in the process."
Sebastian snorted and choked on a mouthful. I rushed around the counter, clapping his back. This isn't right, I'm pretty sure they say NOT to do this if someone is choking. I changed tactics and aimed for the heimlich but couldn't get my arms around him the correct way. He stayed my hands and reached for his water. Guzzling it down.
Shifting back to his side, I watched his throat, fascinated. Yea, this was definitely not normal.
He cleared his throat then laughed. "I'm fine, enough with the clapping."
"I'm so sorry." I rubbed his back, my palm gliding between his shoulders. The muscles beneath his shirt giving me all of the fantastic ideas. Aftercare is vera, vera important...
Sebastian licked his bottom lip. Resting his hand on my hip. Oooooof. "No harm no foul. But maybe don't talk about dysentery when we're eating."
"Noted." I grinned. "I should come with a warning label."
"Maybe just a small one." He winked at me and slowly booped my nose.
Have mercy...
I wanted to chase his finger with my mouth. "Maybe we should combine this with a safer activity, like let's say, movie?" I asked lightly, already stretching across the counter to drag my plate over. Sebastian's palm resting low on my back. Now if he moved his fingers just so...
Christ on a gluten-free cracker, my scales have been forcefully flung in the favor-of direction.
Just when I thought he could read my mind, his hand pulled away, resting on his thigh. Leaving my bereft of his warmth. "Whatever you want, Darlin'." The honey in his tone made me shiver.
We moved over to our favorite spots, picking a movie at random on our list and munching away. I felt an ease in the air that we've been struggling to grab a hold. I couldn't deny that my talk with Lei and Tony was responsible for my shift.
But there was something different about Sebastian too. He'd seemed intense when he'd been shoving that book on the shelf. A tension that's been building for weeks. Now he was loose and open.
I then wondered if his trip back home was responsible too. It didn't really matter in the long run. It took no time at all for us to end up as we always did. Him, reclined back with his feet propped up on the table, me, thrown across his lap. Plates left empty and abandoned on the farthest corner.
My head forever on his lap, arm thrown with great abandon to hug his thighs. His fingers always playing with strands of my hair.
I snuggled. I discreetly sniffed. I did all of the things I'd been telling myself I shouldn't.
I didn't care anymore because I've been pushed to see that I could choose differently. And I was determined to choose right.