XVI. Let It Go
This was the best place to discuss this. My room was not safe due to the possibility of eavesdroppers. Outside was the best place. There was no other place to address this. What better place than where it happened, where this conflict got started?
I wanted to end this now before it escalated into something more dangerous.
The sun was setting over Greenwood, animals were settling down for the night. Every fiber in my being was a live wire. I did not see why I was so nervous; this was Legolas who I would be talking with. He and I could talk easily. Not after the kiss. I pushed away the wonderful moment. It was wonderful, but it was nothing. It would never amount to anything.
I messed with the fabric of my gown, which tonight was a warm brown. I swallowed, remembering the all too familiar feeling of anxiety. I knew Legolas would not hate me for this, he would understand. I would break his heart, but I had to. I could not risk Nikita unleashing her wrath on me if she found out I was the reason she was not to be wed to the Prince of Greenwood.
I made it well known to Legolas during dinner that I required to speak to him. Yes, I gave in to Nikita’s offer and reluctantly joined the trio for dinner. Like I had expected, the king did not look pleased with the extra guest, but Nikita gently told the king that I was invited on her behalf. The king did not reply, so I assumed he did not think it was worth it to fight her about it.
Dinner was an awkward thing when you were the odd Elf out. No one addressed me, which I was fine with. I preferred to eat in silence and listen anyways, not that I really could—most conversation was in Elvish. When the king and Nikita had gotten deep into conversation, I had made it known to Legolas that I wanted to talk with him. I made no indication as to where I wanted to meet him, he would figure it out on his own, being so intelligent.
It will never happen. It is forbidden in a way. Your parents would be disappointed in you if you pursued what happened. My conscience was being a real nag tonight.
I spun around the moment I heard the giveaway of feet on grass. I let out a pent-up breath, thanking the Valar that Legolas had found me and not someone else.
“I am surprised you wanted to talk to me,” he said.
“Why?”
“Why ask that question when you know the answer?”
Get right to it. “Listen. Do you think it would be possible for me to…be armed?” I did a mental forehead slap. Idiot. “I do not feel like I am in danger here, it is just for the future in case something does happen.”
“I can always stop by the armory and see what we have that can fit you, that will not be an issue. Is there anything particular that you want?”
“Most likely a dagger, something I can hide from my enemies, but something I can reach at a second’s notice.”
Legolas nodded. “I will look for such a dagger tomorrow. Now tell me, what did you really want to talk to me about?” He smirked. I know he is not an idiot, he can see right through me. Does that mean he knows me too well?
“Why ask when you know the answer?” I retorted a bit sharply. “I cannot put this off.”
“You just did, Nimalia.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “I am sure you have wanted to discuss this as well, but you have had no time to with the preparations for the wedding.” I emphasized wedding pretty heavily. “I just hope things do not end in disaster this time.” My voice trailed. I thoughtfully looked up at the branches above.
“They will not, I am sure.”
“Can you see the future and assure me of that?” I retorted.
“You believe things will go wrong again?”
“Something will.” I rubbed my arms despite them being covered by sleeves. “You know how many bad things have happened around me? It will not end, the bad luck.”
“Do not convince yourself of that,” Legolas scolded me, grabbing my arms lightly. “There is a silver lining in everything.”
“Then where is mine?”
“It is there, you just have not looked hard enough for it nor have you realized how badly you want it.”
I retreated from his hold, just in case. “Listen to me well, Legolas. What happened can never happen again.”
“I do want to apologize for that. It was very poor timing on my part.” I could hear the sincerity in his tone.
“Very,” I agreed tersely. “You cannot do this to Nikita, she loves you very much. You cannot just turn your back on her like you had that night. I do not want to cause any more trouble than I already have for you two.”
“You cannot put the blame on yourself for that.”
“Legolas, please, I can. I am the reason the Men barged in and ruined the ceremony. We have to remain friends and nothing more.”
“I do not think I can do that.”
“You can, Legolas. You make your choices, you control yourself.” A gentle breeze came between us, billowing our hair behind our backs. “You cannot pine for someone else when you are about to be wed to your beloved. It is not right nor is it fair to them. You found your match.”
“I am not entirely sure about that.”
“Legolas—”
“You speak as though that night meant nothing to you.” There was a cold edge in his tone.
“It did not.”
“You are lying, Nimalia. I remember that night quite clearly.”
“I think you forgot the part where I ran off because I did not like it.” I sniffed.
“And I think you forgot where you accepted the kiss and did not fight me.” A smile threatened to climb onto his face. “You can deny it all you want, you feel something too—it is not just me.”
I shook my head fervently. “Even if I did, I know it is wrong to try and go after someone who already has someone else’s heart.”
“I do not believe that,” he scoffed.
“Excuse me?”
“You are resisting this pull right now.” He took a few cautious steps towards me. “What we feel is not lust, we share a true bond.”
“As do you and Nikita,” I reminded him. “I know you are a gentleman, Legolas, and would never mess with women’s hearts like that. If you prove me wrong, I will lose all respect that I have for you.”
“Now, you listen to me.” He did not say this harshly. “I love Nikita, I cannot lie about that. But—”
“If you value your life, you will not say what I think you will say,” I snarled.
“Nimalia, what could you possibly do to me?”
“Legolas, just stick with that thought, that you love Nikita. Love her and only her.”
“But I cannot!” He took another few steps towards me. “You can tell me all day and night that I can love only Nikita, but I cannot, Nimalia! I know it is wrong to feel something for someone other than her. But it is hard to fight something so strong. What I have with Nikita is nothing compared to what we have.”
“We have nothing, only friendship,” I pleaded quietly. “I am telling you, if you keep pushing this, things will come apart and your marriage will never happen. For all of our sakes, we cannot pursue what this is.” I gestured to him and me.
“You know, when we first met, I did not think of you like how I do now,” he confessed quietly. “Sometimes I question why I am with Nikita when I should be with you instead. With her sometimes, it does not feel right. We are together, but yet I feel…detached from her.”
“No, stop talking like this.” I shook my head vigorously. “We may acknowledge our feelings, but a relationship will never work.”
“That time you said we.” His eyebrows came together. “So you do accept it.”
“Yes, since I know you will never let it go otherwise.” I snorted. “However, it is for the best that you stay with her, and we just remain friends.” My voice cracked at the last few words.
“What if I do not want that?” When he took hold of me, I did not wiggle out of his grip. “What if I want to try and make this work?”
“Legolas, you are an honorable Elf. Do not risk that reputation all for me. Do not lose Nikita; she is a fit match for you.”
“Sometimes I do not believe that.” He messed with a strand of my loose hair. “Sometimes, when I am with her, it does not feel genuine. It feels as though it is an arranged marriage that I do not want to take part in.”
“Please stop trying.” I could not duck my head as his forehead touched mine. I felt fresh tears in the corner of my eyes. “Do not complicate things more.” I sighed deeply. “I want to do any means necessary to make sure nothing goes wrong. If I must, I will leave.”
“I will not allow that.”
“What would you do? Have your guards seize me and lock me away in the dungeons?”
“If it prevented you from leaving, then I would.”
“You would really go to such an extreme?” I looked right into his eyes. “You have to let this go, Legolas.”
“That means you have to as well.”
“I know. So far I am succeeding better than you are. It is for the best—that is what you fail to comprehend.”
“What you fail to comprehend is that no matter what you do to try and distance yourself from this, it cannot be avoided.”
“I said to let it go, Legolas.” My voice turned pleading.
“I will start tomorrow.”
“No, you need to start now,” I persisted. “Do not put it off; it will only make it more difficult. Please, I am asking you to forget about this.”
It looked like Legolas was really going to wait until tomorrow to let this go. He cherished this moment with a lingering kiss. I let the tears fall down my face. I could feel false hope blossoming inside of me. As delightful as this moment was, it would be our last. It may hurt to remain friends, but it must be done. If worst comes to worst, I will leave for Lórien.
Our only witness to our moment was the setting sun.
**Things are getting complicated, aren't they? Will our two forbidden love birds be able to really let it go? I blame my chapter title, as I now have that freaking song stuck in my mind. -.- **