THIS BOOK IS CURRENTLY BEING REWRITTEN AND HEAVILY EDITED. NAMES, PLACES, AND SOME SCENES WILL BE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. SOME STUFF WILL BE TAKEN OUT AND SOME WILL BE ADDED.
THE INITIAL PLOT STAYS THE SAME.
So, if you begin reading as of 5/21/2021 and choose to read ahead further than I have updated-some things might be confusing or might not make sense. As of right now and will continue, slowly, adding the new chapters as I write them. CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE has been rewritten & updated.
**IF A CHAPTER HAS BEEN REWRITTEN/EDITED THE ^^ABOVE^^ NOTE WILL BE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE CHAPTER.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Austin
I'd been driving for at least thirty miles. At this point, I didn't know which was fucking North and which was South. All that mattered was getting away. Once I started speeding down that highway, I just couldn't stop. It was like I was running away from that god-forsaken farm, from that pretty girl I'd been captivated by since the moment I'd laid eyes on her and from the baby tucked away in her belly. Hell, I couldn't get away fast enough. I thought that the further I got away from her, the easier it would be for me to take a breath.
I was sorely mistaken.
I had the windows rolled down and the night air hitting me in the face, trying to cool myself down. The music was on full blast and there was a cigarette hanging from my lips, although it wasn't lit just yet since I didn't have a god damn lighter because Eliza had stolen back the one she'd given me a week or so ago. I briefly considered stopping and grabbing one, but the idea of stopping made me feel like there was an invisible hand wrapped around my windpipe, crushing it agonizingly slowly. So I kept going, slamming my foot down on that peddle until it damn near reached the floorboard.
Hart is pregnant. Pregnant. Holy shit. How had I screwed up this bad?
We'd had sex...So many times. Bare, fucking raw. I'd coated the insides of her with my come, loving every single second of it. I'd had the impression that she was protected. That we both were protected from something like this. Since the moment I saw the birth control compact in that bag, I'd run with it-never once thinking that they weren't hers. I knew that she didn't plan on me finding them. That was on me, I could admit it. But the idea that she knew she wasn't on anything, and she let me have her in that way made me...Livid.
My god, I'd been ready to fall to my knees when I saw her standing out in Terra Matthew's driveway in that pretty, lace dress. She damn near looked like a fucking angel. She barely made eye contact with me, looking all scared and skittish. It was like suddenly, she was back to being the innocent young girl I'd met at the beginning of this summer. I only figured she thought I was mad at her when in reality, as soon as I saw her, all the anger left my body. For the first time in days, I felt calm. I felt at home.
Because of that, I felt destroyed. I felt cheated out of my future. Even worse, I felt like I'd finally found something real just to realize that it was never actually genuine at all. It was a game-played by a selfish, inconsiderate girl that would do anything to get out of this town. I was a god damn pawn.
Fuck. What would Ellis say when he finds out? My parents? God, I could only imagine.
Hey mom, dad. Remember that farmer you sent me to live with to get my shit together? Well, Ellis Hart had a knockout of a daughter that begged me to take her virginity. Who was I to deny the girl what she wanted? After I had her that first time, I went back for more and more until my cock damn near made a home in her sweet little pussy. Until I was ob-fucking-sessed.
P.S- So, yeah. I didn't get my shit together. Instead, I fucked up far worse than ever than you could ever imagine. I knocked up said farmer's daughter. I'm going to be a father.
P.S.S-Congrats! Try and be better grandparents than you were actual parents, yeah?
This was almost laughable. Austin Burkhalter, a father. I wasn't prepared for this-I would never be prepared for this. Having a child was never something that I'd thought twice about-it was never something that I actually wanted. I had always been borderline...Neurotic about wearing fucking condoms every single time. Women wanted to fuck without one? (Which, there had been plenty over the years. They knew who I was, and they all wanted the same thing: stability). Every single time, I was the one that insisted. Somehow, Elizabeth Hart made me so damn blind and that I'd basically been acting without a brain. Obviously, I knew it would come eventually with someone that my parents picked out for me, but I never actually saw myself as a...Family man.
I wasn't cut out for that. As much as I hated to admit it, my father and me? We were cut from the same cloth. He'd been a shit father my entire life. What if...What if I ended up just like him? I never actually had any desire to find out. You know what they say, like father like son.
My stomach dropped as I thought about it again for the millionth time. I shifted in my seat and swallowed the lump forming in my throat. I broke into a cold sweat and my heart was racing painfully. I felt like I was going to vomit. I swerved off the highway and into a gravel parking lot. Without turning off the truck, I forced the door open and pushed myself out of it. I doubled over until my sweaty hands were on my knees and my face was directed to the ground. Taking deep breaths, I waited for it to spew out of me, but it never came.
Part of me wished that it would come, maybe if I vomited up the contents of my stomach, I'd feel better. Lighter. Not as weighed down.
"Hey Mister! If you barf out there, my daddy's gonna make you get the hose and clean up that shit yourself." A voice called out from behind me, pulling me from my gaze on the ground.
I leaned up, taking a few deep breaths. When I turned around, there was a small girl out in the distance, poking her head out of a glass door of a building with the name Lenora's Sports Bar in bright red lights out front. To be honest, it didn't exactly look like a building. It looked more like a dilapidated shack at best. I look around at the parking lot, making sure she was yelling at me, but it was mostly desolate other than the two trucks parked in the very front.
"Yeah, I'm talkin to you." She said as she pointed straight at me with one hand and the other on her small hip. "You see anybody else in this damn parkin lot?"
I stepped forward once making sure I wasn't seeing shit. There, in my line of vision stood a young girl with a bright red ball cap on her head who was cussing at me like a god damn sailor. If I hadn't been in shock, I would have burst out laughing. This girl was maybe four feet tall and dressed in a pair of overalls and dirty shoes.
How fucking bizarre.
Slowly, I put my hands up notifying her that I'm innocent of any barfing, and take a few steps back. "No barf. Sorry about that." I called out to her, and step towards the truck.
Before I can open the driver's door, she called out again. "Hey! You got any money?"
I glance back over to her, and it looks like she's gotten closer. What the fuck is this? For a moment, I watch her and wonder if I'm about to get shanked and robbed by a girl no older than ten years old. After I get a better look at her, her threatening vibes seem to diminish, and she gives me a toothy grin.
My brows raise in question, "Uh, yeah..." I murmured, trying to conceal a grin myself.
He lifts both hands onto her hips, "Well then, I gotta special PB&J and a beer waitin for ya inside. All for a small price, uh course."
When I don't make a move to follow her, she huffs and waves me over, "Come on now, don't be shy. I been waitin for a customer damn near all night long. And before ya say anythang, that rat bastard Randy Townsend don't count because he's already passed out in the back booth," He kicked some dust and rocks up with her shoe. "And the shithead don't even pay up half the time."
That earned a chuckle from me. For some damn reason, I couldn't hold it back. That poor guy just got called a rat bastard and a shithead all in the same sentence by a child. I'll let the girl serve me a drink solely because of her spunk. I opened the driver's door, and I could swear, and I heard her groan in annoyance.
I knew it needed to hightail it out of there. The last place I needed to be was at a god damn bar. I needed to keep fucking driving until I could breathe again. Still couldn't, by the way. Regardless, I grabbed my wallet and then turned the truck off, grabbing the keys from the ignition. When I pull back, I locked the door and then slammed it shut.
The girl jumped and clapped her hands together and then ran back to the bar. She disappeared inside and I slowly followed her and met with some of the loudest décor I'd ever seen. I looked around the place taking in the southern atmosphere. Red-colored Christmas lights outlined the ceiling and walls of the building while there were Mississippi State University posters and maroon and white memorabilia covered almost every inch of the walls. There were some highway and street signs here and there, and a few deer heads stuck on the walls here and there. I glanced over towards the door, beside it there was neon colored jukebox belting out some of the Rolling Stones greatest hits.
Right there in the back booth was a sprawled-out man, that I could only assume was that rat bastard Randy Townsend, passed smooth out and snoring so loud I could hear him over the music.
In front of me was a long bar with raggedy barstools for sitting. I took a step forward as the girl rounds it and steps through the push door. Silently, she drags a chair across the floor as I take a seat. She climbs up into the chair and stands in front of me with her hands on her hips. She watches me closely for a long moment as if she's tryin to figure me out.
She looked like one of those porcelain dolls that my younger sister used to collect when she was younger. Her skin was translucent, almost like Snow White. Light-colored freckles were peppered over her pink cheeks and her button nose. Her deep, raven brown hair was long, and her bangs cut just below her eyebrows, covering up the most vibrant pair of big, bluish-green eyes I'd ever seen. When she opened her mouth to smile, it's big and toothy. Something tugged in my chest, she was fucking adorable.
It briefly makes me wonder what my own would look like. Would it be a boy? Girl? Yes, it would most definitely be a girl. After all the years I've fucked around and put so many women through the wringer, it would be only fair that my offspring would be of the female population. Quickly, I lift my hand to my face and rub it once, needing the thought to flee as quickly as it came. Any other night, the thought would never have crossed my mind. It was only because of the shit I was in at the moment. I'd never given children a second thought. At least, that's what I decide to go with as I push it out of my mind.
She huffs her bangs out of her eyes, "I'll need to see your I.D. before I can serve ya any adult drinks."
I grinned and pulled my wallet out of my back pocket, "Should you be serving adult drinks at all?" I quipped.
The girl grabs out for my wallet and observes my I.D. carefully. Her lips open as if she's silently trying to sound out my name, but then she slaps it closed and quickly hands it back to me.
"Austin Burkhalter. Twenty-four, plenty old enough to have a drink."
She clapped her hands together. "I'm Lenora Taylor and I'm eight years old. My daddy and mama own this here bar. Nice to meet ya, Austin Burkhalter."
"Nice to meet you, Lenora Taylor."
She blushes and blows her bangs from her eyes, "Just call me Lenny. Everyone else does. Anybody ever tell ya you got a twinkle in your eye?"
I laugh out, "I don't think I've ever gotten that one."
Lenora smiles sweetly, "Well ya do. It's real pretty. I knew a boy once that had a twinkle in his eye, a lot like yours. But he had grey eyes. The lightest grey eyes I'd ever seen. He went away though-long gone now."
"Thank you, Lenny." I say, clearing my throat.
"So what's your poison? I got all your normal beers-Bud, Corona, Miller. You say tha word, it's yours. After we get ya settled with your drink, I'll go make ya that special PB&J."
Jesus Christ, where are this child's parents?
I lean back in the stool, "Well you see, Lenny, I'm more of a Jack or Jim kind of guy." Fuck Jack Bowen. "Preferably Jim."
Lenora glances down at the bottles in front of her and she nibbles on her bottom lip. She picks up a few different bottles, observing the labels one by one, and then puts them back down in place. Then, she picks up a smaller bottle with a crown on top and waves it to me in question.
"That's Crown Royal, but lucky for you, I won't be picky tonight."
She pulls out a glass and sits it on the bar. After a moment, she unscrews the top and shakily pours the amber liquid to the rim of it. Then, she goes to put the bottle back in its place, but I hold my hand out.
"You can leave it out," I murmur, as I bring the glass to my lips and drain it.
Lenny raised her eyebrows, "You know that's gonna cost a lot, right?"
I laugh and reach back for my wallet again, pull out a hundred-dollar bill, and then lay it on the counter. "Will this cover the bottle and one of those special PB&J's? And a tip for good service, of course."
Her eyes go wide, and she snatches the bill from the counter. "It'll do." She says as she stuffs it into her pocket. "One special PB&J comin up." She said happily as she jumps down from the chair and hops back into the kitchen.
When she's gone, it was quiet in my mind again. I shouldn't be in here. I damn sure shouldn't be drinking. I should be trying to figure out what the fuck my next move was going to be. My thoughts immediately go to Hart and the look on her face before she'd gotten out of the truck. She was shattered-I could see it in her beautiful green eyes. I knew what I'd said to her in those last few moments we'd been together in the truck were cruel. There was no question about whether that baby in her stomach was mine-it was. Maybe I just wasn't ready to admit it aloud just yet. Maybe I just didn't want it to be real.
After hearing a few small crashes coming from the kitchen, Lenny comes out with a paper plate stacked with three sandwiches in one hand and a glass of milk in the other. She rounds the bar and walks up to the stool right beside me.
Tapping her foot on the floor, she looks at me expectantly. "Little help here? Your mama not teach you how to be a nice boy?"
I want to laugh and tell her, no, but I don't. Instead, I pull out the barstool next to me and then grab the glass of milk from her small hand. After grabbing the plate from her, she begins to climb the tall barstool with a struggle. She growls and huffs her bangs from her eyes and tries again and again until I gently grab her by the arm and pull her until she's sitting on her knees in the stool.
I watch her in silence as she pulls an additional plate out from under the one that holding the sandwiches and sits it in front of her. She grabs a sandwich and puts it on her plate and then slides the other two sandwiches over in front of me.
"Two PB&J's? You tryin to fatten me up?" I ask, raising a brow at her.
She shrugs and takes big bite of her sandwich, "You're just like my cousins, but they ain't nearly as old as you are, but my auntie says that they're growin boys. They eat a lot."
With those big eyes, she looks up at me and watches me, waiting for me to pick up one of the sandwiches. I wanted to tell her that I wasn't hungry, and I was afraid that if I did eat, she'd have me scrubbing the floors of my vomit before I could leave. I don't have the heart to tell her that, though. Instead, I reach out, grab the sandwich, and take a bite.
I chew and try to keep my smile at bay as she watches me closely. "Is that strawberry and banana?"
She giggled and grabbed her own sandwich, "You betcha! Peanut butter, strawberry jam, and half a banana cut up in between. That's what makes it so special."
"It's delightful, Lenora," I say, in agreeance. "Although, you probably shouldn't be messing with knives without supervision."
"You were here, and you did say you were old enough to drink adult drinks." She replied, waving me off. After a moment, she glances over at me and looks at me suspiciously. "You ain't from Arcola, are ya? You don't sound nothin like me or my daddy."
I take another bite, and I shake my head. After I'm done chewing, "No, I'm not from Arcola."
"Hmmm, where do ya live then?" She asked as she handed me a napkin.
I wipe my mouth and sit the sandwich back down on the plate. "I live in New York City but staying in Holly Ridge on a farm for the summer."
Her eyes go wide, "What's that like?"
I grin, "Living in New York?"
She waved me off again, "Naw, I don't even know where that is. What's it like livin on a farm? They got horses? I love horses! Daddy told me he would buy me one if we didn't live in the upstairs apartment." She said, pointing above her head. "Ain't got nowhere for a horse to live but maybe one day."
"Mr. Ellis Hart has two horses. Jaycee and Max."
She looks at me dreamily, "I bet on all the toys I have that they are just lovely."
I can help but chuckle, "I bet on all the money in my wallet that if you ever find yourself that way and want to learn how to ride, his daughter will teach you."
Because she's sweet like that, my mind tells me.
Her mouth fell open, "You really think so?"
Nodding twice, I fill my glass back up with Crown and throw it back.
Lenora's shoulders fall and she picks at half of the uneaten sandwich in front of her. "We ain't got any money for that."
I swallow hard and for a moment, I immediately feel the need to cheer her up. As I bump her with my shoulder, I smile genuinely at her. "Maybe I'll put in a good word for ya. I know her very well-might even do it for free if I ask her nicely."
Ha, funny. She'd probably spit in my face if I asked her, nice or not.
She looks over at me and grins knowingly, "You like like her, don't ya?"
"What makes you think that?" I quipped as I run my index finger over the rim of my glass.
Giggling, she lifts up onto her knees and glances over at me. "That's the same look my daddy has when he talks bout mama."
I suck in a deep breath and slowly let it out. There was no question about whether I like like Elizabeth Hart. Fuck yeah I did, so much so that I'd told her that I loved her. And I think I truly meant it. But it still didn't change anything. I had been nothing but a means to an end for that girl and we both knew it.
"What's wrong? She don't like like you back?"
I lick my lips and lean forward in my seat, once again grabbing the bottle in front of me. Slowly, I poured enough to take in one gulp. I would need it for what I was about to admit, aloud. "Can I tell you something? It's top secret."
Her eyes widened and she nodded quickly.
I drain that shot and it didn't go down smoothly. Actually, I thought for a moment that it might come back up. "She's got my baby in her belly."
Lenora rolls her eyes, "Mister, that ain't no reason for her not to like ya back."
I laugh, "When I found out that she had my baby in her belly, I was very upset with her, and I said some things that weren't very nice."
She gasps and leans forward as if an idea has come to her, "You know what my daddy does when he says mean things to mama? He goes out back and picks the prettiest wildflower he can find, and he says he's sorry. He always calls mama his wildflower, cause she is. You know, wild. At least, that's what he says. But, it always works. Next thing I know, they go get in bed and do a lot of kissin. Sometimes they make real funny noises, too. Maybe you should try that."
I can't help but grin at how innocent she is. How freaking sweet she sounds. "I wish things were always that simple, kiddo."
She shrugs and grabs her sandwich for another bite. While she's chewing, she begins to talk again. "Boys are so stupid. If ya liked her, why'd ya say mean things to her?"
Because I've been real with her this entire time, and she's only ever given me a front. She's always had a mask. All she wanted was a better life. She never actually wanted you, Burkhalter. Get a god damn grip.
"Because I'm scared. I don't think I'll be a good daddy. I didn't have a good role model growing up, little one."
Which wasn't a lie, either. The thought of bringing a child into this world for me to eventually turn out the way my father had been growing up, sent a paralyzing fear down my spine. It wouldn't be fair.
She swallows a large bit and takes a sip of her milk, "I think you'll be a great daddy."
I huff, "Oh yeah? What makes you say that?"
Lenora looks over to me with big eyes and a thin smile, "Because you ate supper with me, so I didn't have to eat alone again."
My stomach drops and I can feel a frown take over my face, "You eat supper alone a lot?"
She nods, "Yeah, my daddy used to eat with me every night but then mama started doin bad stuff again and he's real busy tryin to help her get better. He's still a good daddy though. Then, my foster brother used to eat with me sometimes when he wasn't with that awful girlfriend of his, but he went off to that fancy college some time ago."
Before I can respond, I large burly man peeks his head out from the kitchen. Although he looked exhausted, the girl sitting next to me is a spitting image of him. "Lenora," He says, gruffly. "I been callin for ya for fifteen minutes, now. Let's go. Time to get ready for bed."
Like that, he disappears back into the kitchen. She looks over at me and smiles toothily, "Better go get ready for bed before I get my ass whooped. Thanks for eatin supper with me."
I reach out and give a tug on her red hat and smile warmly at her, "Stay sweet, Lenora Taylor."
Her eyes close for a minute but when she opens them again, they are wide and giving me a knowing, exaggerated look. "Ugh, I told ya. All my friends call me Lenny. You're my friend, right?"
Laughing, I nod. "Friends."
"Girl, don't make me tell ya again!" Her father comes out from the kitchen giving her the same knowing look she'd just given me. "Don't forget to brush your teeth."
She hops down from the barstool and rounds the bar where her father is standing. After a moment, she reached into her pocket and hands him the hundred-dollar bill I'd given her. "That boy ordered that whole bottle. Night, daddy." She murmurs as she reaches up on her tiptoes and pecks him on the cheek.
He takes a step forward and studies me, "That girl knows she's supposed to come get me if we have a customer."
"Not a problem," I say, as I fill my glass again.
The man reaches his arm over the bar, "Walt Taylor." Then, he grabs another glass, fills it with Crown, and lifts it.
I clink my glass against his and then drain it. "Austin Burkhalter. You have a great little girl, there."
He smiled genuinely, "Lenny? Oh yeah, she's much better than I deserve." Afterward, he slowly walked over to the cash register and opens it up. He grabs a few twenty-dollar bills and reaches over the bar to hand them to me. "I know for a fact that bottle wasn't full. It's my poison of choice." He sticks his hand out over the bar.
I wave him off a little more dramatically than I'd planned. Warmth began swirling in the pit of my stomach as I push myself up from the barstool and stand. I reach out for my keys and wallet but when I do, I realize that I'd drank a little more than I thought because I lose my footing and damn near trip over my feet.
I hope the next time you decide to go get drunk; you're smart enough to not get behind the wheel of a vehicle. It's a selfish act, Austin. I wanted to say fuck that-do it anyway. But maybe some small part of me had matured some over the time I'd been here. Maybe I was beginning to look at the whole picture rather than just abiding by it because she asked me to.
Yeah, that's what I was going with.
I pause as her words run through my head and I mutter out a few curse words. I turn back towards the man who is still standing there, "If you have a telephone and a phone book that I can use, we'll call it even."
Walt nods and reaches down and brings the phone onto the bar. "Sure I got one around here somewhere."
I clear my throat, "Is it okay if I make a long-distance call?" I ask, knowing how expensive it could be.
He looks me over once, and then reaches out and drops the bills into the tip jar. "Make it quick."
Then, he walks to the bar of the bar and begins rummaging through a drawer. A few seconds later, the heavy phone book slams against the bar and he nods. "I'll give ya some privacy. Better go make sure Lenny made it to bed. Stay safe out there, son."
When I was alone, I began punching in numbers that I knew by heart. I didn't need a phonebook for this call, but the next one, however, I would. My fingers drummed over the bar as I listened to the static on the other end. It rang a few times, and part of me was hoping that no one would pick up at all.
But, I wasn't that lucky. Or maybe I was. Fuck if I know.
"Hello?"
The voice on the other end of the phone was hallowed out, but I could hear the lightness of her voice. She's probably been out on the town with her friends indulging inexpensive champagne and cocktails. I swallowed hard and leaned again the bar, letting it hold me up.
"Alex...It's Austin. I can't talk for long, but I really fucking need you."
For what seemed like a lifetime, all I did hear was static. "You haven't called in over a year. What do you want?"
For a long time, Alex and I only had each other. Obviously, we didn't always get along and we had grown apart, but it was almost like we had an unspoken agreement to always be there for one another if the need ever came up. Hell, I needed her more than ever right now.
"I-I fucked up and I don't know how to fix it," I said, noticing the gravelly tone in my voice.
It was almost as if I could see her on the other end, rolling her eyes and flipping her hair. She scoffed, "What's new, Austin?"
I covered my hand with my mouth, and inhale a deep breath, "It's serious this time, Alex."
She sucks in a deep breath, "Look, don't sweat it. Mother and father always get you out of trouble. They're all bark, no bite. What did you do?"
I shake my head as if she can see me through the phone, "I'm...Fuck. I'm going to be a father."
It had been a long damn time since I'd confided in my sister and as I say the words, I feel a little bit of relief. She doesn't say anything, though and I wasn't sure if I could blame her. It had been so long since I'd even attempted to contact her.
As I'm about to open my mouth to say something else, she cuts me off. "Where are you? I'll get the first flight out that I can."
~*~
I'm sitting on the tailgate of the truck when Tommy pulls up, hanging out the window. Yupp, you guessed it. He was my second phone call and last resort because I wasn't going to drive this fucked up. I jumped off and rounded the baby blue truck, making sure it was locked before walking over to Tommy's pick-up.
"Dude, what in the hell are you doin all the way out here in Arcola?" He asked as I opened up the passenger door. "You find you a woman over here or somethin?"
If I was being one hundred percent honest, I wasn't in the fucking mood for small talk. I wasn't in the mood for talking at all. But he wasn't going to let me off that easily.
"No. Just fucking drive, man," I said, leaning back in the seat and letting my head drop back against the headrest.
Tommy pulled out onto the highway but glanced over after a moment, "Damn, who pissed in your cheerios?"
I barked out a laugh, unsure of where it even came from. My head was lolling against the rest behind me, as we passed a string of small buildings I hadn't noticed when I pulled into this town.
"Elizabeth mother-fucking Hart. That's who."
His head jerked to me, and he looked at me like I'd lost my damn mind. Why? Right. Because no one in their right mind would insult such a sweet, innocent woman like her. She was Holly Ridge's little miss prized possession. But my guess? It was that no one really and truly knew how conniving Eliza Hart could be.
No one except me.
Tommy shifted in his seat and quickly glanced over to me again with an uncomfortable gaze on his face. "What happened?"
A nauseating feeling invaded my stomach, worse than it had been before. I swallowed hard and reached out to roll down the window to get some air. I broke out into a cold sweat and everything was spinning so badly that I couldn't focus on just one thing. Vomit did come out, but not in the way you may think. It was more like...Word vomit.
"She's pregnant." My voice was almost unrecognizable. Low, gruff...Laced with uncertainty and grief.
I don't know what I was doing-I shouldn't have said a damn thing but for once, I needed someone to vent to. At least, someone that was taller than a barely four-foot-tall child. And considering I'd only been able to talk to Alex very briefly, it didn't make me feel any better than I thought it would.
So, that only left him.
There was a jerk of the steering wheel like I'd shocked him so bad that he couldn't keep control of the vehicle. He looked over at me with suspicion and I thought he might ask me if I was the father, but he knew better than to ask me that. Instead, he cleared his throat. "Does Ellis know?"
I groaned at the mention of her father, remembering how he'd always been kind to me. He'd welcomed me here with open arms and given me everything I needed to succeed and get back to my life-my future. How could I have done this to him?
"No, he doesn't. At least, I'm going to assume he doesn't. I'm sure if he did know he'd have already hunted me down and shot my dick off for knocking up his sweet little girl."
His brows lift and he gives me a sheepish grin, "Nah, he can be intimidating at times, but he won't do nothin physical to ya. Ellis Hart goes about things different-he's gotta way with words. He'll let ya know he's irate. He'll let ya know that he's disappointed but he ain't gonna hurt ya. Look, it's just a baby."
I nod, wishing that what Tommy had said eased my anxiety but it didn't. Not one fucking bit. If I could choose, I'd rather him beat me to a bloody pulp. Disappointment is the last thing I wanted to see in his eyes as he looked at me.
A lump formed in my throat, making it difficult to breathe. "Just a baby? A child is a big fucking deal, Tommy. This will screw up my future and it will ensure that she has one."
He cut his eyes to me and looked at me with a hard expression, "You think that girl was only lookin out for herself? That don't sound like her."
"I had the impression she was on birth control, Tommy. She never once stopped me, she never once asked me to wear protection."
Tommy scoffed and shook his head, "Nah, man. I think you underestimate just how sheltered that girl has been for the past twelve years. He's eased up on her in the past few years, but before she graduated high school? She never did anything outside of school and this farm. Never had a boyfriend. Hell, he wouldn't even let her dress herself. Always had Ava pickin out an appropriate outfit for her. Wouldn't surprise me if that girl didn't even know what a god damn condom looks like." He looked over to me, "You think Ellis Hart sat her down on her bed once upon a time and showed her what a rubber was and explained what it was for? I mean I can't speak for em but I'm sure he'd have rather died a thousand deaths than to sit his baby girl down and prep her for sexual intercourse with a man. He did it the easy way-he locked her in. He never let any man get too close to her."
"I don't believe that. Ellis is narrow-minded but he's not fucking stupid. She played me-had me wrapped around her finger from the very start. That girl knew what she was doing." I laughed with sarcasm dripping, "It sounds like you're tryin to tell me that Eliza had no clue how a baby comes to be-I don't buy that. Not for a minute."
Right? She knew. There's no way she didn't know. She was innocent for sure, but she wasn't that innocent.
He throws his arms up, "Fuck if I know. I sure as shit wouldn't be surprised if that was the case. So, what's your plan then? If she did all of this on purpose, you just gonna run away? Cause that's what I suppose you're doin right now."
I don't answer, I couldn't answer because I didn't have a plan.
"You ain't gonna run away from that girl, are ya?"
"I don't have a plan. I've never...I've screwed up a lot of shit in my life but...Never this bad. I've never had to fix something this fucked up. Hell, I've never actually had to fix anything I ever did wrong. They've either fixed themselves or my parents cleaned up my shit-that's why I was sent here, to begin with."
"Maybe that's your problem Burkhalter. You ain't ever had to work for a thing in your picture-perfect little life. Maybe whatever is goin' on is a message from god tellin' ya that it ain't always gonna be easy, that things ain't always gonna fix themselves. Maybe he's tryin to tell ya to saddle up and be a man; forget about your fuckin parents and take the reins into your own hands."
I lift my head solemnly and grind my teeth. I'll be damned. Maybe Tommy was smarter than I'd given him credit for. It was funny just how much the tables had turned in a matter of a month and a half. In the beginning, I'd been the one to give him man-to-man talks, give him advice. Now, here we were.
Tommy was fucking lecturing me on how to be a man. Shit.
He hesitates and glances over, "Better do it before someone else does because she's a dime in this town and every man within a thirty-mile radius knows it. I can assure you that if you don't step up, somebody will."
Apparently, he was much smarter than I gave him credit for.
I vibrated in anger and my hands tightened into fists. "What are you trying to say, Tommy? If I don't make a move, you gonna slide on in? You gonna be a father to my child, wife up my girl?" I seethed.
Tommy visibly swallows as if he's nervous, "Your girl? Hmm, what if I did?" His voice shakes noticeably but he continues regardless. "Why do you care, huh? You just made it sound like you didn't give a damn about her."
He was wrong. I did care about Hart. I'd been ready to fucking tell her just how much I cared about her just hours ago. Before I could even realize what I was doing, my fist was hitting his dashboard. "I love her." I yelled hoarsely.
I was panting, my breaths were coming out quick and deep. My chest was...Hurting. My heart...For the longest time, I thought the fucking purpose it served was to pump blood throughout my body and keep me alive. Never actually believed that it could have any other function but as I sat there in Tommy's passenger seat, I realized just how wrong I was.
My fucking heart was throbbing painfully. I felt like it had been crushed. Stomped on. Annihilated.
After a long moment, I looked over at him, but I was thrown for a loop immediately because he was looking at me with a big smile on his face. He didn't say anything, but eyes were telling me exactly what he wouldn't verbalize.
Gotcha.
I huffed and shook my head. "You better fucking be glad you're driving this truck."
He chuckled, "I was just messin with ya, mostly. Might not be me, but someone will slide on in eventually. Happily, too. So, I wouldn't fuck around too long. Get your shit together, Burkhalter."
That thought made me ill. In a series of mental snapshots, her future ran through my mind-a future that didn't involve me. I saw her up under a man that wasn't me. Marrying a man that wasn't me. Birthing my child all while holding a man's hand that didn't fucking look like me. The last snapshot was the worst. Eliza, fresh from childbirth and too god damn beautiful, sitting in a hospital bed, holding my child. Looking down at it so lovingly.
Beside her? The man also looking down at my baby all enamored and shit? That guy was Jack Bowen. It. Was. Fucked up. He would do that just to spite me-just to show me that he could. I had no doubt about it, and it just about killed me.
"Stop the truck." I gasped.
Tommy muttered a few curse words and swerved into the gravel, coming to a quick halt. I barely made it out of the truck before I vomited all the contents in my stomach. I was coughing, choking- trying my best to get it all up. Fucking finally. I automatically felt somewhat better. I heaved for a moment with my hands on my knees and my hair in my eyes. When I stood up straight and turned, Tommy was leaning against his black truck with a water bottle in his hand. He tossed it to me, and I immediately popped the cap and squirted some in my mouth, and swished.
"I need to go to the farm," I muttered as I looked at the window, realizing that we'd made it back into Holly Ridge.
"Atta boy! Comin to your senses?" He said, grinning.
I shook my head, "I'm going to get a change of clothes. I need a place to stay, and you just so happen to have a guest bedroom."
And I gave Alex his address, but I wouldn't tell him that just yet. The last thing I needed was her showing up to the farm while I wasn't around. It would inevitably stir up unintentional drama and I sure as shit didn't need that right now on top of everything else.
Tommy rolled his eyes and shook his head. "A word of advice? I've known Ellis for as long as I can remember. You hurt his precious daughter? You ain't got no hope. He'll cut you out, you hear me? That's the way he works." After a moment, he pushed off from the truck and began rounding it to the driver's side door. "But whatever, it's your own grave you're diggin." He called out.
A little while later, we were pulling up the gravel drive of the farm. Even though I hadn't stepped out of the truck yet, I could tell it was quiet out. All the lights were off other than the single light dimly illuminating the porch. It was almost eleven, so I figured Ellis and Eliza were already fast asleep which was good. The last thing I needed right now was to run into either of them.
I didn't need Ellis asking questions as to why I was about to pack a bag, not that I'd really think he'd care all that much as long as I was showing up for work and getting my job done. Hart was the one I really didn't want to see. I wasn't ready to see her look at me like she had earlier-like I was a spineless and pathetic excuse of a man.
Maybe I was, but that look was heart-rending when it came from her.
"Hurry your ass up. We gotta be back over here at five in the mornin." Tommy muttered as he dropped his head back against the headrest and shut his eyes.
I quickly made my way up the porch and quietly unlocked the front door. When I stepped inside, the only light was coming from a small lamp on the end table near the opposite end of the couch. I passed it slowly and made my way to the room I'd been living in for the past month and a half. I grabbed my duffle bag and began stuffing everything I'd need for the next few days. Next, I went into the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth.
After everything was gathered, I turned off the bedroom light and made my way back out towards the front door. My hand hesitated over the knob for a moment as I begged myself to keep going. Get away. Get some rest and get a plan together. Leave it be for now. Nothing you say or do right now will make her feel better. You'll only make it worse.
I wasn't in the right mindset to confront her yet, but it didn't stop me from shucking my boots at the door and turning to head up the stairs. At the top of the stairs, I took a left and was met with her door. Very quietly, I turned the knob and pushed inside until I was met with more darkness. The only light was streaming in through a small window at the far end of her room.
In the middle of the room, against the wall was her bed. She'd unknowingly kicked her comforter off, and it was pooled on the floor at the foot of the bed. Across from it was a white vanity with a brush and some stray make-up spread on top. In addition, there was a sterling silver picture frame featuring a photo of her and her mother on the beach when she was younger. My fingers brushed over the bristles of the brush as I walked past it towards the back of the room where a small workstation sat with a sewing machine and various rolls of fabric sat neatly next to it. After passing it, I walked over to the rattan chair that had a few pieces of clothing laid over the back and sat a few feet away from her bed. Without looking up, I sat my elbows on my knees and kept my eyes on the ground below.
I'd been in her room before. Even though I didn't want to admit it, I knew exactly what I was doing. I was avoiding the main reason I came up here, to begin with. Part of me was afraid that as soon as I laid eyes on her I'd drop to my knees and beg her to forget every offensive thing I'd said to her earlier. I'd beg her to never look at me like she had on that bridge again. And well, I still wasn't sure if I even wanted to be forgiven.
Whether it was or wasn't an innocent mishap, Eliza and I, we would be bound together for the rest of our lives. After all this time, we'd never actually had anything in common with one another. That was no longer the case, and I truly didn't know how to feel about it. Scratch that, I was scared shitless. Could I raise a child with a woman that blinded me so much so that I'd fallen completely and utterly in love with her just to find out that she'd taken advantage of me?
Had this all really just been a tactic? Even if it was, part of me didn't believe that the last month and a half that we've spent together was all a lie. I'd seen the way she'd looked at me like I'd hung the moon. Like I was the only man in the world.
There was no way all of it was a game. Right? She hadn't looked like she was excited about it. If anything, she looked distraught. She looked terrified. I was so confused. At this point, I didn't know what to believe.
My hand covered my mouth as my eyes lifted to the bed in front of me. I drank in the sight of her- she was so damn gorgeous. Messy, blonde hair splayed over the pillows and shoulders looking like a god damn halo of sweetness. Her oversized t-shirt had ridden up her stomach, showing off the delicate skin of her ribs. Tangled in pale pink sheets up to her waist, she laid on her side with one arm unintentionally, I'm sure, drifted across her stomach as if she was trying to protect the tiny life growing inside of her. Her stomach was rising and falling slowly, and I suddenly had an overwhelming feeling to be closer to her. Without thinking, I pushed up from the chair and easily sat on the edge of her bed. She whimpered sweetly and stirred, moving her arm above her head. I took the opportunity to reach out and easily lay my hand on her stomach. As my fingers spread across her belly, I felt her shutter and then tense up.
Fuck. She was pregnant. My baby was there in her small belly.
And I was sick. As the thought ran through my mind, my cock swelled in delight. Like it had a mind of its own and it was proud that I'd put a baby in her womb. I quickly pulled my hand away and covered my face, murmuring a low string of curse words.
"What are you doin in here?" Her voice was hoarse and low, but it wasn't a whisper.
I swallowed hard and without looking at her, I shook my head. "I don't know, Hart."
Eliza scooted away from me, "You need to go," She whispered, as she turned onto her stomach away from me.
"Eliza, I..." The words linger there, but nothing else comes because I literally don't know what to say.
I did the only thing I could think of at that moment. I dropped my hand to her upper back, but she jerked away like I'd burned her. Before I knew what was happening, she was scrambling out of the bed so quickly. In nothing but a t-shirt and panties, she padded over to the door and opened it.
"Get out." She said, bluntly.
Slowly, I pushed up from her bed and walked to her door. I stopped short, right beside her, and looked up at her but she doesn't return my gaze. Tell her you're sorry, I urged myself. My teeth grind together painfully and shook my head so briefly that I don't think she would have noticed even if she were looking at me.
I knew I shouldn't have come in here-I hadn't been ready for this and I knew it good and damn well.
"I'll be staying at Tommy's for the next few days. We'll have to sit down and talk about this at some point, but I need to get my head on straight first. If you need anything, that's where I'll be." My voice was sounded so unfamiliar that I almost didn't recognize it. It was low, but soft and weak. Weaker than I'd ever heard it before.
Eliza bit down on the inside of her cheek and blinked. When her eyes opened again, she looked at me straightforward for the first time tonight. "I won't. Please just go." She deadpanned.
I looked her over once more and I felt sick. I wasn't sure why-maybe it was just a whole fucked up situation, but I had a feeling at that moment, it wasn't that. It was the look on her face or rather, the lack thereof. She was expressionless. Her skin once luminescent and vibrant was sheet white. Pale. Her eyes weren't bright with innocence and curiosity like they usually were. They were emotionless like she couldn't care less if I was standing in front of her or not.
I couldn't say I blamed her.
At that moment, she wasn't my Hart. Gone was the girl that was always perfectly put together. In her place was a miserable woman. A sad woman. A broken woman.
All I could think about as I quietly made my way down those stairs and shoved my feet back into my boots was that...I did that to her. I was solely responsible for the way she felt now. If I had just stayed away like I promised myself I would so many fucking times, this wouldn't have happened, and Eliza would still be the sweet, innocent girl that had eyes that were brimmed with happiness and excitement when I first met her.
I suddenly felt regretful like I should have never let any of this happen to begin with. Not for myself, but for her. Whether I was a part of a game or not, she was worthy of more than I could give her. Just like everyone had said, she did deserve a good man because, no matter what she'd done, she was a good woman.
And I wasn't sure I could be the good man she needed.
*Authors Note:
What'd yall think about Lenora? I think I might just love her and it's not the last yall will see of her :)
anyways, i love comments and votes!
let me know what yall think!