"Come on." Mason says softly, lifting up the covers for me to climb in, it's so cute to see him like this, I doubt it'll last for long, so I'm taking full advantage.
I climb under the covers and for a split second I don't know what to do. I know Mason doesn't like hugs, so I doubt he'd be a fan of cuddling, but we did cuddle that night I stayed here..
He sits up for a second to adjust the pillows and I notice scratch marks running down his back.
"Did I do that?!" I gasp and he laughs.
"Yep." he smirks and I feel my cheeks flush.
"Can you.. move a little closer?" he almost whispers under his breath and I smile, moving closer to him and laying my head on his chest like I had before, wrapping my arm over his chest as I trace his tattoos on his arm with my finger. He rests his head on mine and I melt. This day was perfect, absolutely perfect - despite the mini mishaps at the dinner table, my mom loved Mason. And now here I am, cuddled up in bed with him. I never would've seen myself here. If I could go back in time and tell past me, the first day I met Mason that I'd be here, I'd laugh in my own face.
"Hey, can I ask you something?" I mumble.
"Yes." he says after a brief pause, to my surprise. No catty comment, no 'it depends', just a simple yes.
"The first time I seen you, you were holding a guitar. I heard you play before I came inside, where is it?" I ask him.
"I don't really play often, it's just something I do to take my mind off of things." he tells me, repeating my motion by tracing the skin of my arm.
"You're really good." I tell him honestly, I still remember the first time I heard it.
"I know." he smirks and I know he isn't referring to guitar.
"Mason!" I swat his arm and he laughs.
"Really though, can I hear you play sometime?" I ask, biting my lip.
"I guess." he says, sounding uneasy.
"Promise?" I smile.
"I don't do promises, they're a false sense of security. It's just a word." he tells me, his voice a lot less soft, making me flinch a little. Pretty deep for a comment over a guitar.
"I didn't mean to scare you, I just don't like using that word." he sighs, I must've hit a nerve mentioning that, I decide not to pry, I don't want to ruin our night.
"Okay.. we don't need to promise. How about we just say maybe?" I look up at him and he smiles a little.
"Okay, maybe." he chuckles and strokes my hair with his hand. I lay my head back on his chest and fall asleep listening to his heartbeat once more.
Mason's POV:
No matter how hard I try I can't sleep, the last time Amara slept here, I fell asleep almost instantly with my arm wrapped around her. Things seem so much more.. serious, now. I don't like it. I mean, I like it. I like being this way with her, but its fucking terrifying. I think I need to take a few steps back, not too far. I cant risk losing her, but things are moving too fast. I've never felt this way before, or wanted to protect and care for someone like this.
I adjust my head so I can look at her. Her eyelashes are so long and dark, I love how peaceful she looks sleeping on me, but part of me wants her to open her eyes just so I can look at them. Her hair is sprawled across my chest and my arm, still messy from earlier. Earlier. Well I didn't fucking expect that. It's still bothering me that she's had sex with someone else but I don't want to start an argument, I always branded her as a virgin in my head, I mean she cringes at the word sex. I'll bring it up another time. I could tell Amara was shy, but in that moment her eyes were full of lust, not only lust, but lust for me, it filled me with so much confidence it was fucking insane. I just want to rub it in Jake's face but Amara would never forgive me. Why is my every thought consumed by her? Everything I do I question whether Amara would do the same, or every time I go somewhere I wonder what she's doing. I shouldn't care this much, I don't think it's normal. It's not.
A few steps back, that's all I need. A few steps back.
——————
Amara's POV:
When I open my eyes, I'm not encased in Mason's arms. I turn my alarm off and gather my bearings before he returns from the showers. Awake before me? That sure as hell isn't like him. I check my phone, no missed calls or texts from my mom, I forgot to tell her I was staying here, but she hasn't called. Weird.
"Why are you up?" I ask, rubbing my eyes.
"I told you I'd take you home to change for classes, remember?" he tells me, there's something different about him. His demeaner, his voice. Something is different and I can't tell what it is.
"Oh, yeah. Are you okay?" I ask him, his eyes are heavy and he looks like he hasn't slept. Meanwhile I slept like a baby, something's definitely wrong.
"I'm fine. You better shove your dress on so we can go get you changed." he smiles, a fake smile. I'm probably overthinking. He isn't a morning person, that's what it is.
I shove my dress back on and try to flatten my hair as much as possible, I catch a glimpse of myself in Matt's mirror on my way out, I look like I've been dragged through a bush, my hair is a mess, but I'm strangely glowing.
Mason barely speaks to me on the drive over. I spend most of it wondering what I'm going to tell my mom anyway. I woke up with no texts or missed calls, extremely unlike her.
"I'll see you later?" I half smile, stepping out of the car.
"Yeah." he says dryly, before driving away.
"You're overthinking, Amara. It's Mason." I mumble to myself before walking inside.
"Hey, mom.. I stayed at Mason's place, please don't be mad but-"
"I know." she cuts me off, sounding.. not.. mad? What the hell is with everyone today?
"I figured you would. As long as there was no funny business?" she asks, raising an eyebrow.
"No! Of course not!" I lie and she nods, I walk to my room before I dig myself a hole I cant climb out of.
I take a warm shower and dry my hair, as usual. I don't put any makeup on—I'm still glowing from last night, I thought that was a myth. But my skin looks like it's glowing, wow. The things good sex can do, I laugh to myself.
As I put on my clothes I can't stop thinking about last night, it makes my stomach flutter thinking about it. I was so.. confident, I don't know where it came from. I grudge kissing a guy first, never mind that. I feel myself getting embarrassed thinking about how I basically shoved him onto his bed, but at least he reciprocated. My mind quickly goes from that moment, to this morning. Something was so off about Mason, I really hope he isn't starting to regret it. I shake it off, he probably just had one of his moments, I don't want to ruin my day by overthinking.
As I walk to the kitchen, my mom has a plate of pancakes sitting on the counter for me, she really is trying to get on my good side. First, she tells me she likes Mason, then she doesn't mind me staying over, and now she's making me breakfast. Usually I wouldn't eat them, but I'm pretty hungry and her pancakes are so good. I shove my stubbornness aside.
"Thank you." I say as I sit down and take a piece with the fork.
"So, how was your night?" she asks, whilst cleaning up and I have to physically stop myself from choking on a blueberry.
"It was good." I answer shortly, shovelling more pancakes into my mouth to stop myself rambling and being more obvious than I already am.
"Do you really like Mason? Or were you just trying to sound nice?" I ask her, trying to change the subject, but also trying to figure out if she was honest.
"I do. I can see how much he likes you, and you him." she smiles.
"Even though he made inappropriate jokes?" I scrunch my nose up remembering some of the things he said and the look of regret on his face after saying them.
"That's just his personality, Mar." she shrugs.
She's right, it is.
"Can I ask you something, though?" she places down the cloth she was using.
"Sure?" I answer cautiously.
"Why did Mason leave Italy? He seemed.. cagey about it." she says and my heart sinks, what am I going to say?
"Family issues, don't mention it to him. It's still raw." I tell her, I thought through my answer carefully. She can tell when I'm lying, I wasn't lying. Sure, it wasn't the whole truth, but it was true nonetheless.
"I have to go to class, I'll see you later." I smile awkwardly.
"Hey, Mar. What moisturiser are you wearing today?" she asks me and I look at her confusedly.
"Your skin looks amazing." she smiles and I don't know whether to laugh or cry. A wave of embarrassment hits me as well as an overwhelming urge to laugh.
"Oh that's an after-sex glow, mom."
"It's coconut oil." I lie and speed walk out of the house. Really?
I grab my coffee to go today, I don't have time to sit in, so I drink it on the way. I take my seat next to Jess and she looks me up and down.
"What?" I ask.
"Nothing." she chuckles.
"What did you do last night?" she asks, arranging her paper.
"Uhm, not much." I mumble, taking my books from my bag.
"Stay at Mason's?" she asks.
"How did you know?" I ask her, shaking my head.
"I dropped by this morning, I was going to say we could go for breakfast before class, but someone was otherwise occupied." she chuckles, my mom. Why didn't she tell me that Jess stopped by?
"Oh." I cough.
"Mar! You so fucked him!" she whispers.
"Don't use that word! It's so crude." I cringe and she laughs.
"You bitch! You weren't going to tell me!" she squeaks and laughs under her breath.
"I was!" I lie, I really wasn't. Not here anyway.
"Was he good?" she asks, moving closer to me to avoid others hearing.
"Can we talk about it later?" I ask her and she rolls her eyes.
"Fine. We're going for food after classes." she huffs.
——————
"If you can all hand in your assignments at the front of the class on your way out, please." The professor chimes.
"Shit!" I mumble.
I was so wrapped up in.. Mason, I didn't proof read my assignment, I always do a second draft, my first ones are always awful. I'm so screwed. I check my phone and not one text from Mason all day. Great. I hand in my assignment and cringe as I sit it on the pile.
*Are you okay? You've been quiet.* I send him, I didn't want to be suffocating, but he usually texts me, and he was so off this morning.
"Where do you want to go?" Jess asks, referring to our plan to grab food, but I've kind of lost my appetite.
"A burger?" I ask, I don't have any reason to avoid Jake now, and they do sell really good food.
"I'll drive." I tell Jess and she nods.
"Drive my car, you can pick yours up later on your way to see Mason." she smirks and I try and laugh but it doesn't come out.
I drive Jess' car to the burger place and it's really busy, we can barely find a parking spot. We eventually find one and walk inside, Jake is behind the counter as usual.
"Hey!" Jake says happily.
"Hey." I smile at his good mood.
"How are you?" he asks.
"I'm okay, how are things with you?" I ask him and I can hear people in the queue behind us complaining.
"I'm doing great. Where is he?" he asks, referring to Mason.
"Probably at his dorm." I smile falsely.
"Jake, this is Jess." I introduce the two and Jess' eyes widen.
"So this is Jake?" she asks, raising her eyebrow and I elbow her.
"You were at the party, right?" Jake asks her and she nods.
The complaining people in the line behind us seem to become louder and I decide to order and take my seat before we start a riot.
"So, tell me all about it." Jess says, wiggling her eyebrows.
I decide to push my worries about Mason to the back of my mind and be happy about the steps we've taken forward.
"It was great, and I initiated it." I chuckle and she gasps.
"You did?" she basically yells.
"Yeah, I did." I laugh at her reaction and she picks her jaw up from the table.
"Wow, Mar. You must really like him." she shrugs.
"I do." I smile.
"Did you tell him about, you know?" she asks, giving me a sympathetic smile.
"No." I say shortly and quietly.
"That's okay, he doesn't have to know right away." she squeezes my hand lightly and I nod.
Our food arrives and I barely eat any of it. I can't get Mason out of my head. What if he doesn't want me anymore after last night? He's never this distant from me, recently he hasn't been anyway.
"What's wrong? You barely touched your burger, and they taste way too good to leave." she chuckles.
"It's nothing." I smile.
"Mar, talk to me." she sighs.
I need to learn to talk to Jess about things, I need to learn to talk about things in general. I can't shut people out.
"Mason was really weird this morning, distant, and he hasn't text me all day, he's ignoring me." I sigh.
"Oh, Mar." she frowns.
"It's not the same this time." she tells me calmly.
"How do you know?" I ask her.
"You don't know that." I shake my head.
"Come on, we're going to see him, you need to confront him." she says, standing up from her table.
"No, Jess."
"Yes, Amara. You're going to drive yourself crazy thinking about it. He isn't Logan." she tells me, reaching out her hand for me to stand up.
"I know." I say, my voice quiet.
I take her hand and we walk to the car. Jess drives back, trying her best to reassure me it'll be okay.
"I'll wait outside, you can text me if you want to stay, and if it goes badly I'll be right outside, I can either drive you home or kick the shit out of him." she chuckles trying to lighten the mood and I wrap my arms around her.
"Thank you." I smile and get out of the car. Every step towards the dorm feels more dreaded than the last, I sound like I'm overreacting, but I have my reasons. Just as Mason has his, I remind myself.
I knock on the door and Matt answers, of course he does.
"Is he here?" I ask.
"No, he should be soon if you want to come inside." he smiles a warm smile and I nod.
I sit on Mason's bed awkwardly and I can feel myself getting more nervous by the second, I feel like I could cry but I stop myself.
"What's wrong? If you don't mind me asking." Matt smiles at me from across the room, he's so kind.
"I just really need to talk to Mason about something." I tell him briefly.
"I'll head out on a walk when he comes back, give you guys some privacy." he tells me.
"Thank you, that's really kind." I tell him, giving him a smile.
"Have you read this?" he asks me, holding up a copy of the notebook.
"The notebook??!" I squeal and he jumps.
"Sorry! I just love that book, I've read it countless times, and I've watched the movie more times than I can even remember." I tell him, fawning over my favourite movie.
"I'm glad you like it, Mason's a lucky man." he laughs and I nod awkwardly.
Mason clambers through the door, on his phone. Yet I still hadn't gotten a reply to my text message, interesting.
"Amara?" he looks at me with wide eyes.
"I'll excuse myself." Matt says awkwardly as he walks past Mason, who surprisingly didn't have anything to say to him.
"What are you doing here?" he says, putting his phone back into his pocket.
"Thanks for the warm welcome." I sigh.
"We need to talk." I tell him and he scratches his neck as he steps a little closer.
"About?" he asks.
"About why you're being so off, and why you've been ignoring me today." I say, looking down. I will not get emotional right now. I will not get emotional right now. I repeat it in my head.
"I haven't." he snaps and I just stay silent.
"Do you not want me anymore? After last night?" I say quietly and he sits beside me.
"No! I mean yes, of course I do. I mean-" he rambles and I feel ten times worse.
"Look at me." he tells me, and I do.
My eyes are glossy and I know it, I see his eyes soften as he looks into mine, he's guilty, I can tell.
"It's not that, Amara." he tells me, sighing.
"Then what is it?" I ask him, trying to keep the tears from escaping my eyes.
"I'm not used to this." he admits.
"I know, but you can't keep using that as an excuse." I stand my ground.
"It's not an excuse, I'm just-" he takes a breath and shakes his head. He's terrible at communicating his feelings, even worse than me. But I need him to.
"Mason, if I'm going to understand, you have to tell me." I look at him and he looks away.
"I think we're moving too fast." he tells me and my stomach drops. I knew I shouldn't have done that last night.
"No, Amara, I don't mean the sex." he says, reading my mind, yet it still doesn't make me feel any better.
"I've never had these feelings and I don't know how to react to them." he says quietly.
He's scared. He's trying to tell me he's scared. He would never use those words, but his feelings are scaring him. Just as they're scaring me.
"Mason, I'm scared too." I say softly and turn his head, ensuring we have eye contact.
"I know feeling like this makes you want to pull back, to save yourself the hurt, but please don't." I take a deep breath.
"I'm scared too. The way I feel about you terrifies me. I've never depended on another person so much in my life and I can't stop it, every day it grows and I can't slow it down. Please don't try to slow it down, Mason. I know it's scary putting your feelings into the hands of someone else, they can shatter them at any given minute and its.. utterly terrifying. I know." I sigh, taking a small step closer. "But I won't break you, Mason. I just want to build you up. I told you before I want to protect you, I'm scared too. I'm scared that one day you'll realise you can do better and you'll leave." my voice breaks as I speak and a tear falls from my eye, he wipes it with his thumb and looks at me with those perfect eyes.
"I'm sorry." he mutters softly.
"I could never do better." he brushes his thumb across my cheek.
"You asked me if I've had sex before and I told you I had." I say and notice him tense, but I continue.
"His name was Logan, and he was my boyfriend, we were together for a while but it was just sex to him, not to me. He ended up blocking me and ghosting as soon as I said no." I tell Mason, trying my best to keep myself together.
"Amara.."
"No, let me finish." I take a breath.
"You're the only person I've ever let in since him, Mason. And I feel so much stronger towards you than I did Logan. It was out of character for me to initiate what I did yesterday, and I was scared you would leave after that. So, I'm sorry for overreacting." another small tear falls from my eye and Mason pulls me into his embrace, no words, he just holds me. My worries immediately fade. He was just scared, we're both scared. We both have the idea that the other person is going to leave. We're both terrified to accept how we feel, we both just need to be reassured.
"I'm sorry, Amara. I've just never met anybody like you." he whispers into my hair.
"I know." I sigh.
"Everybody I know has given up on me at some point, I keep thinking you will too." he admits and my heart aches for him.
"I'm not one of those people." I say softly.
"I know." he brings me to look at him, his hands cupping both of my cheeks as he kisses me softly, and slowly.
"Don't give up on me." he almost whispers.
"I won't." I take his face in my hands, I wish I could lift his doubts.
How vulnerable he is right now, how scared—it makes my chest hurt.
"I don't think if I walked out of this room right now, I could ever feel for the rest of my life the way you make me feel, Amara Woods. And that was enough to make me feel sick to my stomach." his voice cracks and my eyes become glossy once more. Hearing such raw emotion from Mason made me want to cry, he's being so honest, so vulnerable.
"Mason, I'm not going anywhere. I promise." I say, and then remember his words earlier.
"Maybe." I smile and he returns it, wrapping his arms around me tightly.
"You were right about this whole talking thing, you know." he smiles.
"It tends to help, right?" I chuckle lightly and he nods.
"You and I against the problem, not you and I against each other." I tell him and he smiles.
"You're right." he kisses my forehead and I smile back warmly.
"I'm always right." I tease.
"I'm serious about you, Amara." he tells me and my heart swells.
"I want to show you that I'm serious about you." he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear.
"How?" I ask him, looking into his eyes.
"I'll show you." he smiles, taking my hand and picking up his car keys.
"Let's go." he smiles.
"Where to?" I ask.
"To show you how much I care."
( instagram: @downfallwrites )