Salty. The cat's name is Salty. It seems ironic as salt is white and this cat is entirely black from head to toe. I wonder what it did to earn that name? Maybe the original owners just had an odd sense of humour?
I'm a frozen iceblock as it gently nuzzles into my hand. My heart is beating out of my chest and I'm suffocating. I know I'm gone when I start to see the butterflies fluttering around the room. Their little wings flap gently in a storm of vibrant colour. I focus on them as they spiral above my head and I soon forget where I am all together.
Disassociation is my favourite escape route at the moment. A low purr hums through the room. Train tracks. The train is coming, I can hear it rumbling in the distance.
"See Lav, it's not so bad." I blink and see June is smiling at me. Why is he smiling? "It seems like she loves the pats," he says and glances down. I follow his gaze and see my hand is stroking the cat's fur. I jerk it back. I didn't even register what I was doing. Salty nuzzles her head on my hand again obviously upset I stopped. I feel a cold shiver run down my spine.
The cat must be evil. I know it's trying to trick me into petting it and then it's gonna bite and scratch me and never stop. Wait. This is what the therapist talked about, my thoughts spiralling irrationally. I do what she told me and imagine them as a spiral staircase in my mind slowly reaching up to a skylight in the room.
Instead of falling down the staircase to the bottom like I usually would. Where it's dark and dusty I walk up, one step at a time and leave the thoughts behind. With each upward step, I tell myself the truth. It's just a cat. It's like any other cat of any colour. It's not evil. it's not tricking me. A normal cat that just wants to be petted. I take a deep breath and lower my hand back down.
The fur is as soft as velvet and it licks my finger with a tongue as rough as sandpaper. Germs. The cat must have germs all over its fur and tongue. Why didn't I think of that? There's probably milllions of germs going inside of me now through the little pores on my skin and flowing into my bloodstream like leaves down a river in autumn.
Stop. I silence my mind and steady my breathing. Germs won't kill me. I shudder involuntarily and I immediately feel June's hand over mine.
"You're doing great, this is progress," he says softly. He's right as always. This is progress.
"Everything okay in here?" I look up to see Jane poking her head around the door.
"Yes," I say smiling.
"So were you thinking of adopting then?"
"Hopefully." June and I grin at each other. She takes us back to the front and hands us a folder of information. It has everything we'll need to know before adopting and has a form to bring next time. We leave the clinic in high spirits and wander back down to the bus stop.
"I can't believe I just pet a black cat without having a panic attack!" I cry as soon as we are out of earshot.
"I know, I'm proud of you." June smiles and grabs my hand again. We swing our hands between us and practically skip all the way. I don't stop smiling the entire ride.
As soon as we get home June comes inside with me to talk to my parents.
"Dad! Mum!" I call out. Both of them are sitting by the dining table, my dad with a cup of tea and my mum with coffee.
"What?" she asks in an alarmed tone.
"It's nothing bad. Can we adopt a cat?"
"A cat, what on earth?"
"Why do you want a cat?" my dad asks.
"It's going to help me! Think of it as part of my recovery. Animals have been chosen to reduce mental illnesses and anxiety." June and I did our research on the way back.
"But I thought you hated cats?" my mother still sounds lost.
"Well, only black ones but that's the point. I'm trying to overcome my fears."
"I think this is a discussion we'll need to include Mackenzie in. We can talk over dinner tonight." my dad suggests. I don't listen.
"Mackenzie!" I yell out. A few seconds later I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and then I see her groggily step into the kitchen. She's still in her pajamas even though it's the afternoon and her hair is a mess.
"Do you want a cat?" I ask her.
"Hell yes!" she says, "wait, are we getting a cat?" I turn to my dad with my arms crossed.
"See she wants one too!" He shrugs and turns to my mum.
"I don't really mind, it's up to you honey."
"Please mum!" I beg. She lets out a long sigh.
"Well alright then."
"Yes! Thank you! I love you both!" I cry and June and I high five. Looks like Salty is going to be joining the family.
As soon as June is gone I call Patty to tell him the news. I can't wait to visit him so our cats can meet. They'd look so cute together, two little black kittens. It's obviously meant to be. The only problem is he doesn't answer. I send him a text asking for him to call me instead.
I'm starting to get very frustrated but I can't expect him to be available and on his every minute of the day. I want to drive down to get the cat right away but my parents said to wait and they'll take us all down tomorrow after school.
I spend the remaining hours of the day in a state of excitement. I can't stop thinking about little Salty. It's enough to stop me from being able to study for exams. They are coming up a lot faster than I expected. We only have two weeks of school left till the end of the semester and I can't wait for summer. I love the long nights and t-shirt weather it brings. Plus, summer means I'll be able to see Patty more often. Maybe I'll even be able to stay at his house for a week or so?
I try to call him again and to my relief he answers. Why does he never pick up the first time?
"Patty, guess what?" I cry as soon as he answers.
"What?" His tone sounds bored.
"I'm getting a cat tomorrow!"
"Aw how sweet," he says with a lot more enthusiasm.
"It's black like yours," I add. "I was thinking I could come and visit you and they could be friends."
"I'd love that," he says. "So you're planning to come up here for a day then?"
"I was hoping I could stay at yours for a week or so actually."
"Oh, right. It's just we don't really have any spare beds or anything."
"I'm fine with sleeping on a couch or I could bring my own mattress. I promise I would be of no trouble."
"Uh, yeah I'm not sure if my mum would like that. I'll let you know." What is he talking about? His mum loves me, I'm sure she wouldn't mind at all.
"Okay well I'll come and visit either way," I say slowly.
"Yeah, great." Why doesn't he sound excited? I'm aching to see him. I bite my lip and decide to ask him.
"Why don't you sound excited?"
"Oh sorry. Trust me, I am. I miss you a lot, Lavender. I guess that's why I'm down. talking to you on the phone and hearing your voice makes me feel lonely." I can totally understand where he is coming from. I get the same feeling.
"Well only a couple weeks to wait."
"Yeah. Goodnight Lavender."
"Night Patty." I end the call and sigh. Does he really miss me that much? Wouldn't he reply to my texts more and answer my letters then? Maybe he was telling the truth? Maybe doing all that makes him too sad so he finds it easier to not think about me or something?
I hope he thinks of me. I think of him every single day.
Love. I roll the word off my tongue, testing it out. I still don't want to get anywhere close to it. It seems to me like June was right about it though. It's not a choice. It just happens.
I feel a knot of worry form in the pit of my stomach and cold dread drips down my spine. If I'm falling, how am I supposed to stop myself? There's no safety net or off switch and there's no one to hear me screaming. I should have listened to June.
He told me not to trust Patty. I knew it was dangerous but I got mislead by it anyway. I feel bile rise up in my throat.
My porridge is starting to go sour.