A/N: Soundtrack "Lovely" by Billie Eilish and Khalid. Slight warning, there is a heated moment in here where the F-Bomb drops in a lot. I apologize in advance.
***********
The lid barely closed on the dumpster when I felt the chill go up my spine. Oh, fuck balls...
I couldn't catch a fucking break. I wanted to look up at the sky and incinerate it to ash with all of my accusations. Scream rawly into its endless depths until my frustrations reverberated back to everything that's ever hurt me. What, what more do you want from me?
"Hello, Dalia." The sweet soprano leveled me to the present. It was a lovely voice, one that could have swept the pants off audiences at any concert hall. Too bad all it did for me was make my stomach churn. I winced before turning around to face her.
"Bathilda." I tilted my chin up, voice neutral. Don't show any fear. Never show any fear or discomfort. How the hell did she find me here? Because find me she did.
She'd been lying in wait and that meant this was not a chance encounter. My head has been so full of Sebastian I didn't even pick up on the bad vibes until she got close behind me. The shrew must have seen my momentary bafflement.
"You're clever, Dalia. But, so am I. This is where you disappeared that night." She waved her hand through the air around us. "I've seen you with that man a few times. So has Alojzy. It was quite simple, follow him and we find you. He's not as on his guard as you are, Dearest."
Fecketh, I hadn't even thought about that. Here I thought we'd been so careful. She had a pleased smirk on her face, I wanted to smack it off. I really, really hated this woman. "This changes nothing."
She stood poised, the smallest of smiles curving the corners of her mouth upwards. Like she was holding back all of her secrets. "Why fight fate, Dalia. I am a gracious patroness."
"Yea, I can see that." I pointed up to the healing bonk on my head. "I got a little taste of what your hospitality looks like. Pretty good I must say. So hard to turn down," I replied with a hint of sarcasm.
"Some things have to be done. You understand that." She lifted her chin, always playing the role of the royal. "Obviously it was a failed endeavor." She looked back at some of her goons in contempt. "Never send a man to do a woman's job, is what they say. For months they've been chasing you around and it only took me a day. Sometimes you simply have to do things yourself."
"Clearly." I wanted out of here.
"It's time to take your place."
"Jesus, what is with you and this obsession in me joining your fucked up circus." I rolled my eyes and fought the urge to scratch my head in agitation. "You're like one of those overbearing doctor parents who planned out their offsprings life to follow in their footsteps. Only worse. Yours is illegal."
"That may be. But I have ensured that it remains intact for a long time to come."
"Yea I thought as much." I sighed. Well, it wasn't that much of a surprise.
Somehow she had backed me up against the wall, I was really off my game here and it pissed me off.
"It takes a certain will to create what I have built. You may sneer at it but you'll find it to your liking soon enough."
"I seriously doubt that. It's not rocket science to prey on the unsuspecting." I bit out. "You're boasting about stripes you haven't quite earned."
"It took every bit of sacrifice. I've had the strength and the wherewithal you could only dream about to make it be."
"Good for you. It's nice to see you use something other than the glory hole between your legs to manipulate poor misguided souls."
Now now, before the feminists start yelling at me in indignation, I have no problem with a woman having constant consensual sex for pleasure. Let your sexual flag fly I say!
What I did have a problem with is if that woman preyed upon young girls and forced them into the same line of work, making a nice profit for herself while leaving her victims abused and scarred. I also had a problem with women who tried to sell their preteen daughters to their pimp for some extra cash. But ya know, call me a radical.
None of that sits well with me and this woman was pure evil, simple as that. Like hell would I have let her build her sick empire lying on my back. If that's where my interest had lied, then I would have been my own private escort and not this woman's circus monkey.
Either way, Bathilda did not appreciate my little snapback because her hand shot out and slapped me hard across the face, I nearly bit my tongue. One of her talons glided along my cheek as a ring tore into my skin, I could already tell it would pebble with blood. Experience has taught me well with her.
"Don't you ever speak to me like that again. You think you're better because you work here? You're nothing, Dalia. Don't you ever forget where you came from because that's all you will ever be!" She hissed at me, inching closer. I clenched my jaw. My cheek was already smarting. The real hoot here was that I came from her vagina, so she was really only insulting herself.
She straightened herself to her full height, regal like. I wouldn't put it past her if she fancied herself above everyone else and from a different era.
"Now, let's go. I don't have all day." She spoke with such confidence that I believed she really thought I wouldn't fight her on this. Exhaustion, frustration, and this ceaseless fox hunt rolled over me in a single motion. Her arrogance only fueled my fire, she had no power over me and was about to learn that.
"I'm not going anywhere with you, ya delusional twat!" I hissed back at her. She grabbed my arm tightly. If I was honest, it actually hurt. My mother may be a petite woman but don't let that fool you. She was strong and I guess in her line of work you kind of had to be.
"I've had enough of that mouth of yours, but don't worry we'll train that out of you real quick." Her cool expression was at odds with the tightening of her grip. I fought back the wince, schooling my face into indifference.
"You and I both know I'm past the prime for what you have in mind, Bathilda." I sneered her name. She deserved no respect; only contempt. "Your heavy hand and threats are wasted here."
"Don't fool yourself girl. You have a youthful face, the same one I had. I'd give it at least eight more years before you're clientele dries up." I stared at her. "No more running, little girl, it's time you do what you're supposed to. You owe me a debt, now get your ass moving toward that car."
"No." I was firm. I was done being afraid of her-at least for today. I was not going to let her drag me out of here. Her nails dug deep into my arm, my cheek was pulsing, my head was pounding and my calf cried from the strain I put on it. The entire thing just made me angrier by the second.
This is what she did to you, she turned you into a spiteful lunatic. She looked at me, a mocking smile playing across her face.
"No? Oh, I see. You hold some fanciful notions that you belong here." I didn't like what her tone implied. "Oh Dear. Don't tell me you think that man wants you. Is that it?" She snorted, I hated her.
"I already told you where on the ladder you stand, Dearest Dalia. He doesn't want you and he never will. You're only good for one thing." She held up a cruelly manicured finger between us. Her vicious lips pulled into a smile that sat somewhere between a snarl and contempt. Good for one thing...meaning to be used as a cum depository for nameless dicks. I wanted to vomit. I could feel the bile working up my esophagus.
How is it possible that I came out of this person? My father must have been the logical and compassionate one because I certainly didn't inherit any of that from her. Eyes, lips, face shape, certainly. But who I was as a person? Never.
"I'm not thirteen anymore, Bathilda. You can spread your poison all you want but you have no control here. Now leave before I fix your face to match your insides." I hissed at her. She had raised the bar to physical aggression, and by God, I would deliver if it came down to it.
"You're MINE." She growled. I allowed myself to smirk. Good, I was getting under her skin. "Let me paint this pretty picture for you, Dalia." She grabbed my chin with her other hand, I was pretty much caught in her clutches, her sweet perfume only made me more nauseous. What a tragedy such a pretty scent was wasted on this ugly woman.
"If you don't get moving to that car right now, this place will happen to have a little visit from Alojzy's friends. And when they are done, it'll be so fucked with dirty hands that your only option left will be at The Canary!"
Fuuuuuucccckkk this! My blood boiled in rage. This bitch thought she was going to threaten me with Shy Guys? My hand snapped up, I grabbed her around the meaty pad where her thumb connected to her palm. I twisted it to the side as far as I could go without snapping her wrist.
It was effective, her hold was broken and she let out a hiss of pain. I pushed against her with my chest, causing her to step back. I felt like a mama bear protecting her cub, I could rip this woman's arm off with zero conscience.
I bore my eyes into her, let her see the homicidal rage that I knew was lying there. Crazy-eyes was a gift she had given me.
"You threaten me again with that and I promise you it will be the last thing you ever do." For the first time in my life, I saw hesitation in her features.
"You trying your hand in ill-veiled threats?" She kept cool, I bared my teeth at her like a damn animal.
"This isn't some trailer park the locals refuse to acknowledge. You should look closer into who you're threatening. I promise you, what you'll discover is that if you so much as breathe in the direction of this place, the investigation will be so thorough that you'll be scurrying through the sewers for years like the rats you abhor." I paused, inching my face closer to hers. "And when it does? Your precious Canary will be dismantled so fast you'll wonder if you ever actually owned it!"
"Lia?" I heard Sebastian call to me. It was faint, but I could still hear it. The door hadn't been closed all the way. If I heard, then she certainly did.
"Not so easy is it." My grip tightened, I wanted to make her knees buckle from the pain. "Maybe your men aren't so inept after all. I'm just that good." I shouldn't taunt her. That would only lead to some serious fucked up places but I couldn't help myself.
Bathilda pulled out of my grasp, stepping away fixing her clothes. "This isn't over, Dalia."
"That's what you think." I shot her a nasty smile. Her lips matching the shape of mine. A disheartening reflection to have to face. She sent me one last hateful glare before scurrying away like the rat I knew her to be. Pity that was an insult to rats.
Just as she disappeared, the back door opened fully, Sebastian's head popped out.
"Everything okay? You've been gone a while." He eyed me warily. I nodded walking toward him. "I thought we could go grab lunch..." His voice drifted off when I ducked my head to get around him. My cheek hurt. If it hurt, then my pain was definitely of the visible variety.
He reached out to take hold of my arm. His gently wrapped fingers a high contrast from how she'd grabbed me. His eyes locked onto my face. Or more specifically the vicinity of my cheek. A cautious hand came up to my chin, tilting the damage to better light.
His jaw clenched and he let out an angry exhale.
His face was hitting Beet level red.
I watched his darkening expression and swallowed. This was definitely going to be a long day. He dropped his hand and placed it on my lower back before leading me down to his office.
Longest walk of my life.
Inside, he locked the door and pulled me over to the sofa; flipping the side table lamp on. A pointless thing to do as the ceiling light was blinding. But who was I to rain on Mother McLoughlin's parade?
He ran his thumb over the injury, it actually felt nice as his hand was slightly cold. I eyed him from the corner of my lid, I could see my cheek was fatter than normal.
"Who-" He stopped, took a deep breath. "That's a stupid question, I already know the answer don't I."
I didn't say anything, I wasn't sure what would make him lose his temper.
"It was them, no?" He asked intently.
I scratched my nose. "Her actually. This was a personal visit. Really knows how to make a gal feel special." My joke fell flat. As has everything else that had been going decent in my life. Merde.
He gritted his teeth and looked over the rest of me. When his eyes found my once-upon-a-time unmarred forearm his clenched fists started to shake. Oh my, I've never seen fist-shaking angry Sebastian before, this was NOT good. "Where is she?" He growled.
I couldn't answer. He scoffed and made for the door. By pure instinct I grabbed at his arm, pulling him back as hard as I could. He may have almost dislodged me off the couch by accident; this was bad planning on my part.
"Don't!" I shouted.
"Lia, she can't get away with this." He was so mad and my heart swelled at the prospect that he was this angry on my behalf. But Sweets did take a step back to ensure I remained safely on the cushions.
"She's long gone, you won't catch her. So please, don't worry about it." He was about to yell when I held my hand up. "I don't mean don't worry about what happened, I mean don't worry about catching her right now."
Sebastian studied me and every time his eyes landed on my cheek I could see him grimace. I looked down and stared at his fists. Slowly they loosened, then he focused on my hand resting on his arm. After that, the tension in his body mostly left.
He nodded and walked back to me, crouching before my knees. He rested his hands palm-down on both of my thighs. The heat of contact grounding and soothing
"What happened?" He asked gently, back in full control of himself.
"Same old, same old. She ambushed me, shared her same crap. Things got a bit physical during the heated part of our argument."
"A little?" Sebastian's eyebrows raised in indignation. You make me swoon even when I should run. Triple merde.
"If it makes you feel better I'm certain I sprained her wrist." This earned me a wisp of a smile. I grinned at him in return but stopped with a grimace when pain shot through my cheek. Ugh, that bitch.
"What did she say?"
I sighed tiredly. I should have known he wasn't going to let it go. Like a dog with a bone, this one.
"It doesn't matter." My response came automatically.
"Of course it matters, Lia. It matters a lot."
"Believe me you don't want to know. It'll only make you Hulk out and you're finally calm. Just chalk it up to her trying to force me into the same shit as before." I knew he didn't like this answer by the way he gritted his teeth. This familiarity with his reactions to my replies was making my heart ache. Sigh.
I reached up and grabbed hold of his face with both of my hands. Using my remaining free skin to latch onto his unshaven jaw. Even his stubble was soft. Blerg.
"Trust me." Finally, he nodded, his own hands reached up to mine. Squeezing them before bringing both of them back down to my lap. He rubbed some life into my fingers, tracing the knuckles and avoiding my bandages. It's only been two days since Guin's temper tantrum; now he had to face my most persistent hound. Poor Sweets. Poor, poor Sweets.
I wanted to bundle him up in bubble wrap to keep him out of my never-ending war zone. Speaking of bubbles...before he got any ideas of hospitals and police departments, I needed to burst that delicate sphere. "I was right, by the way. She does have some people in blue to ease her business." Pulling my least damaged hand free, I rubbed at my forehead. Another one of those infernal headaches cropping up to join my aching cheek.
Sebastian sighed heavily. "Corrupt cops aren't exactly a revelation. It only makes sense."
I nodded. "If gangs can grease a few popo's palms to look the other way on deal streets, Bathilda can win some over with the trade of a good time." I leaned forward resting my chin on my fist. Bringing my face dangerously close to my sad little princess of the sea. "Not with her of course, one of her girls."
I wanted to shudder. This unease giving me the impression that it would be just the sort of thing she'd use me for. I wanted to vomit, and the damn headache wasn't helping.
"She's aware of you," I whispered. Afraid to voice it out loud. He looked at me. "Already started using the leverage." Sadness pulled at my lips like gravitationally-intense dense Stellars. "She's going to tear your life apart until you give me up. Until you hand me over."
"She can shred it all she likes but it'll be far from simple." We stared at each other and his jaw ticked.
This close I could almost pick out each individual fleck of his iris'. My new walls would have this color as their accent. Whiskey, bourbon, amber-brown on every surface... The glorious hues of the darkest honey when the sun penetrates right through with no apology.
I was the grinch forever stealing their warmth; their glimmer. I wish I could deserve you, Lovely Sebastian.
"I told you." I didn't have it in me to say it louder. He glared at me.
"Don't you dare even think about trading yourself in, Lia."
"I would never. I'm not gonna make it that easy for her." I assured. "But I do have the solution. She's never touched anyone after I left. No need. Once she got what she wanted out of the other business owners she set her full sights on me. She can't exactly leave a wake of smoldering businesses, not even her buddies in blue can help her with that."
Sebastian closed his eyes, tipping his face to the floor. Away from my prying eyes. His head shook slowly. "Lia..."
"It's the truth, Sweets. That's the solution. We both know it. It can't be ignored."
"Darlin', can we please just-" He licked his lips. His cheeks puffing out as he blew out a measured breath. "Let's focus on one problem at a time."
One problem? What an interesting viewpoint...
"You're going to have to get out of here. I'll tell the others you got sick." I gave him a look, pulled from my lackluster mental detective attempts.
"She didn't handicap me, Ronaldo. I can still work." Psh, a backhand to the face wasn't going to take me out. At my response, Sebastian jumped up and strode toward his cabinet. He pulled out a square and retraced his steps, holding it out for me to inspect. It was a mirror. Well, I guess I should have figured that one out.
When I was too slow to take it, he held it up for me. I winced; there was no helping it. The start of a purple-blue rainbow already forming. There was a faint cut closer to the center. It had even puffed up to an impressive size. Fuck she had an impressive backhand. I shuddered to think how she achieved that kind of skill.
"They see that and there will be questions. I'm under the impression you still don't want others to know about her, right?" He eyed me speculatively.
"Uh, yea, you're right. Damn, this is worse than I thought." Wasn't it always... I stared at it for another few seconds before looking up at him. At least he was quick thinking when I was too busy letting my pride run the show.
He nodded then walked behind his desk, opening up a drawer.
"Take my car home, ice your cheek right away. I'll get home as soon as I can, we'll talk more then." He rummaged through the drawer until he found what he was looking for, his keys were dangling from his fingertips. He looked me over one more time before his legs gave out and he slumped in his chair. His hand went up to run through his hair, eyes darting to all of my injuries.
I looked down. Spotting my bandaged left forearm, my right hand covered from the bristle brush cuts, and my right forearm now bruised with claw marks. Add in my face, the healing gash from the pipe bashing, and I was in tip-top form. Yup, it was grand.
"Jesus, you're starting to resemble a battered woman. People are going to think I beat you." He buried his face in his hands. I stared at him confused.
"Why would people think you're beating me?" His head shot up and he gave me a look. Not sure how to exactly categorize it but it clearly said something I was supposed to pick up on. He didn't leave me floundering for long.
"We're not really fooling anyone, Lia. Not even us." Sebastian muttered under his breath. Oooooof. Heart get back into your cell, this is not an invitation.
"If anyone looked closer into it they would see that you live with me and that these injuries haven't started cropping up until you started residing in my apartment. Following the pattern?" I nodded slowly, processing his trail of thought. Although I agreed, there was still something he wasn't saying. You're in such denial... Can it brain.
I needed to steer this away from self-destruction. "I wouldn't really call that an apartment, Sweets. It's a little on the large side..."
Ronaldo groaned. "Lia..."
"What? I'm just saying. They wouldn't call it an apartment." I shrugged, giving my comedy career another try. "It's such a shame they haven't seen the injuries of the past. Then you would be off the hook." My stand-up ended in a blazing fire. Sebastian's face contorted into what was clearly pain.
"I don't want to know." Well someone was learning, finally. He gestured for me to get up and met me at the door.
"Darlin'," His hand came up to cup my jaw, thumb rubbing lightly over my swollen cheek. "I'll walk you to the car, no arguments. When you get to the apartment, you go straight to Remy and tell him about your mother. You don't have to give him details, just that she attacked you and threatened to come back. Describe her to a T, he'll keep an eye out for her. Okay?"
I didn't even protest. On this we agreed, I wouldn't put it past her to have me followed. I was banking on Sebastian's fame in the culinary world and his family's position in "the circle" to keep this place safe.
Anyone with an exorbitant amount of money and a name in the upper crust of the world was a risk to attack. My mother was also a psycho and may charge before heeding my warning. So there was that.
He walked me out through the back door. I glanced around the alley during our trek to the parking garage. I wasn't the only one looking, Sebastian's gaze was flicking from one end to the other.
He unlocked his car and opened the door for me while handing me the keys. Before I could get in, he gave me a tight hug. His lips met my temple in a brief kiss. I wanted to prolong this forever, even if it did mean my face was smarting. I'd do it all over again if it meant some contact with that mouth. Let's file that under things I'm not supposed to be feeling.
I got in but before he could close the door, I gripped his hand.
"Sebastian. Be careful. Remember what I told you about the people she runs with." I squeezed his hand. "She found me through you. Please." The plea was evident in my voice, I didn't have to voice it but I did. He nodded in understanding.
All too quickly the door was closed and I found my way driving out of the garage. I chanced one last glance at Sebastian in the rearview mirror. His head was down, tucked into his chest and his hands rested on his hips. Even from here I could see he was taking deep breaths.
I'm afraid that I'm destroying him.
***
The silence was loud. The blood pounding in my head was loud. The gurgle from my hunger pains was loud. But I daren't get up on the off chance Sweets walked through that door and I got busted doing activities I'm sure are on the prohibited list.
Like climbing onto the counters to get to those pesky top shelves, only to end up wiping down cabinets because 'hey I missed a spot!". Yea, not a good idea. I think I've caused enough spiked blood pressure for one afternoon.
So lie I will with my grumbly tummy, bouncing my foot to the beats currently residing behind my eyeballs as I slowly gave my cheek freezer burn.
And thus, I wait...
"Lia?" Sebastian immediately called out as soon as the door opened. Well, that was convenient.
Speak of the devil, they say.
I lifted my ice pack over the backrest, "Right here, Chief." I followed his progress by counting the steps. Anticipating his reaction.
He peeked over the couch, looking me up and down. "Glad to see you actually listened on lying down."
"Technically you didn't tell me to lay down, Ronaldo. You demanded I head back to the fortress. Totally different." I pointed at him.
"Still listened." He smiled. "Alright, let me see it."
I pulled my lips in. "That won't be necessary. It's fine, just getting iced. I'll be right as rain tomorrow. Nothing to see here."
Sebastian ignored me entirely. Stopping my hand mid-shoo. "Shorts..."
I groaned. "Ugh, fine. But you are not allowed to hulk out, Brucey." Here we go. Reluctantly, I pulled away the pack. I almost didn't want to look at him while he reacted.
He sucked in air and let it out almost immediately in a hiss. "Fuck." Yes. That just about summed it up. I don't know what kind of metal Bathilda sported but my cheek was almost the size of a grapefruit. Good effin times.
Sweets rushed around the couch, sitting on the edge next to my hip. I pushed myself back, sitting up so he could examine it closer. Best to get this over with.
"How the fuck am I going to keep you from getting bashed about every time you're out of my sight..." He muttered lowly.
"I already solved that problem, Sweets." He looked at me, frown so deep I was afraid it would never straighten out. "I'll be gone in just a couple weeks. It'll be done." I don't know who I was trying to convince anymore; him or me.
Sebastian's jaw started to compress. "That's not a solution."
I shrugged. "Sure it is."
"What makes you think she won't follow, Darlin'?" He swallowed. "How can you possibly believe that you leaving is going to stop this?" He brushed his thumb lightly over my abused cheek.
"I don't." My voice wavered. "I'm only trying to buy some time. I think I'll get a few months, maybe a year. Before she finds me and the process starts all over again. I expect it to, Sweets." He forced air out of his lungs, his head shaking.
It was the truth. The biggest lie I've been telling myself all along. I licked my lips wanting to hold this one little confession back, but I couldn't. It found life on its own. "I know this isn't going to end well for me, Sebastian. One day, when I'm worn down and tired, with nothing left," I tried to blink the pooling water away. "She'll finally win."
And that would be the end of my story. Battered, alone, if not dead. Somewhere deep in my heart, I always knew I was living on borrowed time. That my escape was delaying the inevitable. I would never go down without a fight, but all that meant is that there won't be much of me left when it ends.
My comfort will be that somewhere, out here, Sebastian will be living a normal life. Hitting each milestone without a care in the world. Getting married, starting a family, expanding the business. He can have that. By tugging my shitstorm cloud with me, he will have it.
"This is bullshit." Sebastian closed his eyes. "If you know the outcomes the same, then why not stay."
"So I can experience just a little peace?" I grabbed his hand, pulling it to my chest. Cradling it against the thumping of my heartbeat. I wanted him to feel it, while it was still strong and capable. Before I lug it off to a world unknown where it will be tried to an inch of its life. "And to keep you safe."
I shook my head. It was so obvious, wasn't it? I could never stay if it meant he would get hurt in the process. By the time Bathilda finds me wherever I end up, Tony will be old enough to take care of the misfits. He'll take over, and I'll disappear.
Those are my options. Keep running, never look back. Because if I look back, it'll break me. "You'll have a good life when I'm gone, Sweets. I promise." His eyes popped open, looking at me with so much dismay. Whatever smile I tried to hold up faded.
"You are living in the grandest of delusions that I'll ever be able to forget you when you're gone. That's not how this works, Lia. That's not how I'm made. You can control how you meet your end, but you can't move the pieces of my life to whatever 'ending' you see fit for me." He pulled his hand away. "You mean more to me than just some easily swept aside memory of a time where I could say 'well, at least I tried'."
Sebastian made to get up. I held onto his arm. No, no we are not doing this. We were not going to go back to the silence. "I just need a moment, Lia. Just a moment." My grip loosened, sliding down his arm until the warmth of his skin no longer welded to mine. "I'll be back."
He walked away, leaving me in the living room while he went to put himself together in whatever room hurt him less.
Was I being delusional? I thought Caleb would forget. And yet he looked just as hurt a few weeks back as when he left. Distance and time didn't seem to help him. How would Sweets be any different?
I couldn't think about this. I scoured through the freezer for another ice pack. Plopping back on the couch to freeze my encroaching headache.
It fell to the floor when I shifted to my side grumbling about my aching head.
"Your heads aching, Darlin'?" Sebastian crouched before me, handing me my elusive pack. Appearing out of thin air, forever sneaking up on me.
"A little. Not entirely surprised. My noggin's seen better months."
He seemed to lose a little color. "Do slaps affect previous head trauma?" He asked me. Or maybe he was asking himself.
I shrugged, "Who knows."
He got up and disappeared down the hall. When he came back he was rifling through a packet. "Shit, it doesn't actually say in here..."
I watched him pull his phone out as he plopped down next to me. Sandwiching my foot to the couch with his fantastic buns. I let it linger..."What are you doing?" I nudged his thigh with my free toe.
"Finding it out the new-age way...Google." His thumb glided up as he scrolled.
"Bad idea, Sweets. All you're going to get that way is doom and gloom. It's common knowledge."
My head dropped back down to the pillow. I closed my eyes and adjusted the pack. My cheek was not reducing in size, contrary to this vigilant icing.
"It says here that any blow could agitate a concussion." His hand was gripping the phone tightly.
"I told you it was a bad idea to Google. Why don't you listen?"
"Ha, that's a laugh, Pints. Because you always listen." He challenged. Merde.
"I only don't listen when it's something I've had a lot of experience in. Which has basically been everything we argue about." I sat up, the ice pack shifting against my face. I was getting nowhere with this thing.
"I don't think your desensitized conclusions can be held as gospel, Shorts. In fact, they are biased and unreliable."
I glared at him, "Desensitized? So my experience is trash because I'm 'desensitized'?"
"Yes, Desensitized. If all you know is this, and you've never allowed yourself to look at the deeper repercussions of this horror because it's just another day, then you are desensitized. So forgive me for not exactly relying on your 'I'm fine, really' proclamations. Especially given that you do hold back on me."
My pack slipped away completely. Forever giving in to dive-bombing to the floor. The warm air hit my achy, chilled cheek. Sebastian's eyes locked on it. "I only hold back information that puts you at risk. And I tell you I'm fine because I'm fucking fine. I think I can gauge my own pain and emotional barometer, Ronaldo." His eyes wouldn't move away from my cheek. Exposing it was a mistake, he's going to fixate now. "Sweets, stop beating yourself up over it, I really am fine. You don't need to worry."
Sebastian's face was starting its progression up the red scale. I hesitated. I started to really worry when he didn't say anything but scooted away. In panic, I followed suit. Giving him zero feet of space.
"Are you okay?" I asked concerned. He hadn't spoken in several minutes and just kept staring at me. Now his eyebrows jumped up in disbelief.
"Am I okay. Am I okay." He broke off and inhaled deeply. "We have been here about three times already, Lia. And each time you ask me if I'm okay when I'm not the one sporting enough injuries to bring some serious fucking concern to any decent cop parading the streets. No, sweetheart, I am not fucking okay."
"Sebastian. It's not that bad." Even as the words came out of my mouth I knew it was absolute horseshit. It was that bad. It was horrifying really but all I wanted was to bring his concern level down. I have a feeling his numbers have grossly dipped and inflated into stroke territory since he's gotten to know me.
"Gash to the frontal bone, hit to the parietal bone with highly suspected concussion/contusion, sliced calf, bruises on the right forearm, swollen black cheek with a laceration, and 300 other fucking maladies you probably haven't told me about, all in the span of the last several weeks." I swallowed as he ticked off each item. It sounded like the worst grocery list. "And you're going to sit there and tell me not a big deal? Not to worry?" He got up to pace. Wearing down the carpet in his restless fury.
"Jesus, Lia, please tell me when I should worry. Tell me when it's okay for me to start losing my fucking shit because I have no idea where that lands on your scale. Explain it to me because I don't have a fucking handbook to walk me through the part when someone I really care about is being used as a fucking punching bag and there is nothing I can do about it since they won't let me."
"Sebastian...I didn't mean-" I couldn't finish. How could I? I've been trying my best to downplay my entire situation to keep him from hurting but all that did was hurt him more.
"Then don't ask me if I'm okay. Who gives a shit if I'm okay when it's you who can't walk out our front door without possibly getting assaulted. All I want to do is walk right out of here and burn that fucking place to the ground because maybe then she'll lay the fuck off." Each f-bomb he dropped in his frustration cut like a whip.
"As much as I'm not opposed to becoming an accessory to your arson plan, all you'd do is piss her off more."
"All the more reason to bring her to my doorstep. I'd like to see her try and backhand me."
"Don't say that. Don't bring that shit upon yourself. Fuck, Ronaldo. Why the hell do you think I've been getting the shit beat out of me every week. Hmm? She will never get to you. Do you understand me? I will take every blow and bleed out before I let that bitch get to you." My chest heaved. From anxiety or anger, I had no clue. But no. She can't have him. She can't smear her shit all over someone who was so good. I shook my head.
"I should have never let you talk me into moving in. I knew this was a mistake." I mumbled to myself silently. But Ronaldo apparently had Bionic ears on top of incredible persuasion powers.
"Is that what you think?" His face started to scale up to level two red. "That if you had stayed within those concrete walls that this wouldn't happen? I have news for you, it wouldn't make this any easier."
I snapped, there was no other way to put it. "Yes, it would! Because then we wouldn't have become friends. You'd just be my boss and I would simply be the rundown girl who worked for a bakery. You wouldn't know why I had to leave or care that I would. My wounds wouldn't matter and if I disappeared it wouldn't have made a fucking difference. I'd be just another turnover. I'd still be invisible." And so would you.
"You were never invisible, Dalia." I winced, fucking 'Dalia'. "Not for one second since I hired you. Not to me." Sebastian tensed. I could see from across the room that he had withdrawn his frustration and it was straining his muscles. He could see I refused to believe him. "Tell me, Darlin'. If you're so convinced that you were impossible to see, tell me why I kept you on."
"I don't know!" I shook my head. "For convenience?" That was a laugh, all I did was cause trouble.
Sebastian's jaw set and it was halfway to twitch town. Jesus, what was I doing fighting a bull? I was a fucking wallflower by trade of survival. He lowered his voice, the deep timbre so far removed from the normal shades of velvet that always caressed each word when he spoke to me.
I was tired. My face throbbed like, well, like someone BACKHANDED ME. I wanted to take back words that led here-standing on opposing sides, him demanding me to answer questions I would surely fail.
This is what she does best, silly Dalia. She picks at the cracks you always fear.
Watching Sebastian now, ready to fight every opposition that threatened me was mollifying. "Come on, Love, you know the answer to this. Let me repeat the main points to jog your memory. I hired you because when I looked at you I saw someone on their last leg. Remember? You came in ready to chew my ass out and I was beyond prepared to tell you to fuck off, remember? But what I haven't told you is how much I hated myself after you walked in."
I stopped breathing. In fact, most functions had stopped operating. The operators at the control board were running in Three Mile Island panic.
"You were standing there before me and it had been clear you needed more help than you ever let on, and at the very risk of losing a job opportunity you still called me out for being a dickhead, Shorts. You may have been more kempt but I could see you were not far from finding yourself where all those people I helped every weekend were. Pride kept me from showing you more kindness at the start and shame has been my shadow ever since, but I tried, believe that if nothing else. I kept you on because I-" He stood quietly, pressing at his eyes with his fingers. When he spoke up again his voice hitched but he pushed it through.
"I saw you every day and I still didn't know you were already that person I prided myself in helping. Worse, I didn't help you and I didn't know how since you wouldn't open up around me at all. I blame myself for that but I always waited for that one moment where I could make amends. I dug for it."
I lied. Sebastian had one more talent that was better than the rest and that was tearing my insides out as he stunned me to silence. I felt like his first confession weeks ago was a hollowed-out painted version.
Here was the truth. Unveiling our past with a new focused lens. "So you see, regardless of where you had stayed, we would be right in this moment, because you're running away with this crazy notion that it's your only choice. Like I can just wipe away everything about us when you leave and that I'll be able to carry on like it never happened. You've resigned yourself to this awful conclusion and I loathe it. I can find you other options, if you just let me."
"Life doesn't come with a Sebastian Guarantee of options. You can't keep trying to fix everything, can't you please see that?"
"Like hell I can't. I can fix every single thing you think is an obstacle, but you still think you have to leave." He had taken a step forward but immediately thought better of it and retreated.
"Because I do! I can't fight her, Sweets. I don't have the strength, the resources, the fucking army that she has. I don't stand a chance. All I have is myself and everyone I need to keep safe from her." Sebastian looked at me, latching onto my slip. Fuck, fuck, fuck. By some miracle, he didn't pounce on it. I think he may have picked up that I was on my last thread. "If it's just me, then everything is going to be fine. If she doesn't hurt anyone else...just me."
His beautiful eyes were the dullest of brown. There was no hint of the warmth I was accustomed to. A warmth that had made them bright and mesmerizing.
Sebastian looked me over then turned away toward the wall. He rested his forehead against its surface-caging his head with his arms, fingers intertwined and hidden in his hair-and stayed motionless, I had a hunch he was focusing on breathing. It felt like a physical wall he had placed between us and I couldn't stand it. Oh, sweet irony how I dislike thee.
"Sebastian-"
"Not right now, Dalia," He replied, voice muffled. "Not... right now."
I tried to give him the space he was requesting but apparently, I suck when my own rules were thrown back at me. "Can you please turn around?"
"No."
My shoulders slumped. "Why?"
"Because I can't look at you right now, okay?"
I pulled my lips in to keep them from trembling, the move causing a strain on my swollen cheek. This was a nightmare. This whole fucking day was a goddamn catastrophe.
"Why?" I hated how broken my voice sounded. I should be stronger than this. Separation was the goal, wasn't it? That's why we've been fighting this rollercoaster, right?
Suddenly Sebastian pushed away from his vigil and practically glared at me. "Because I can't. I look at you and I see your arm that ended that way because of me. I look at you and your cheek is swollen around that cut and a fucking bruise is swallowing up half of your face-that damn gash still in your hairline. And the only thing I want to do right now is barge into the Yellow Canary and strangle that bitch with my bare hands. But none of that matters because you want me to leave it alone. You want to leave." He huffed after his rant. "AND I KEEP MAKING YOU CRY!" Sebastian had officially reached the peak of his reddening scale.
"I'm not-" too late I realized tears had started their descent from my ducts. The drops only made their presence known when I winced from the salt stinging the wound on my throbbing cheek.
My wince hadn't gone unnoticed by my human beet, who somehow was turning an impressive shade darker. We were going beyond bucket o'blood.
"Motherfucker!" He growled as he disappeared down the hall for a third time this miserable evening.
I stood frozen for a moment before casting my gaze to the ground. Boring into the threads of the carpet. I knew I was bad for him. From the very beginning, I knew that I was going to ruin everything. I should have done better but instead, I allowed myself to fall into this seamless life with him. At this rate the neighbors were going to call a domestic on us.
And with my face-plus the list of injuries that he had so lovingly pointed out-my Ronaldo would end up being hauled away in cuffs, because who would believe he was innocent when I couldn't reveal who's really been bashing me around in alleyways? An unknown mole the cause of all this secrecy.
I heard his footsteps and quickly attempted to wipe away the wayward tears. Briefly noticing his feet before he gently took my hand and led me toward my barstool. "You're beyond delusional if you think you'd be invisible like this if we were different." He grumbled to himself.
Once our destination was reached, I parked my derriere onto the flat surface. Only now had I noticed the third wheel to our friendship that he held in his hand. He placed it on the countertop and pulled a stool closer to sit on. Sebastian opened the kit and laid out all of the necessary items in the same meticulous way he did everything. A new macabre routine for us.
When he was ready he turned to face me. He grabbed the ice pack I'd still been holding and tossed it into the sink-I jumped at the loud thump, there was a slight possibility I was skittish from earlier. Yet I was still impressed with his aim. He never seemed to miss.
Very carefully he cradled my chin and turned my head to examine the nuisance that was my cheek. I heard him exhale deeply and chanced a peek at his face. The lively spark was back in his eyes. Too bad that it was pure rage and not the good humor I longed. He went about dressing yet another one of my wounds. He might as well just duct tape me to the chair to keep me from getting damaged further.
"I hate this."
"I know, I'm sorry," He said gently.
"You don't have anything to be sorry for." It was me who should be apologizing.
"Sure I do. I'm sorry for yelling, for making you cry..." He paused. "And for pushing into your life when you had made it clear it wasn't what you wanted." Sebastian wouldn't meet my gaze as he worked and it sent me into a panic.
"Don't-"
"I mean it and I hope you can forgive me. I get it, Lia. I do." He sighed. The sound the saddest noise I've ever heard him make. "I'll never regret any of it but I was never meant to be part of the plan. We were never part of your plan. And that's... fine. I'm the surprise ditch that was blown into the road you had mapped out for yourself."
I didn't like the sound of this at all. It sounded like he was breaking up with me only we weren't in a relationship, so this sounded significantly worse.
"Stop."
"I'm almost done, hold still."
"Sebastian, I mean stop talking like that." I reached up to stay his hand. Commanding him to look at me. Really look at me. In that way he hadn't in days. "I don't want this."
"Don't want what?"
I waved my hand over him. "This distance."
"I'm not sure what to give you right now."
"What you always have. You don't need to act so differently." It was driving me insane.
"Things are different, Lia. This last hour is proof of that. I knew you were going to move out eventually-no problem accepting that. But you never once mentioned you planned to just disappear or that it's basically a kamikaze mission in the end. I, at the very least, thought you'd change your mind about quitting and staying at the bakery. Even if you did move out."
"I didn't tell you because..." Fuck, how did I put this delicately? "Because..."
"Because I didn't matter then. I get it, it's fine." Sebastian paused. "But you've had weeks to tell me-weeks I thought mattered-and you didn't."
"I didn't want to hurt you." He snorted.
"It was unavoidable, Dalia. At least if you'd come clean earlier, I'd have had more time to convince you that there was another way. But that's all done now. You've picked your path, I've come to accept that. I don't have to like it, it was never meant for me to like."
I felt desperate. We had so little time left and spending it tiptoeing around each other was unbearable. I didn't want to leave.
"Look, the unit downstairs is still available. The offer still stands. If you need the space, you can use it until it's time." He looked away and started to pack up the kit.
"I'm not moving into your fucking second apartment, Sebastian." Bullshit he was going to tuck me out of view to keep from dealing with this. "You can't just hide me away."
He froze. "That's not what I meant and you know it. I don't want to make this harder on you."
"Then you won't."
He stood and I stood with him. I grabbed the front of his shirt with my only good hand-how sad-as he was getting ready to move.
"Sebastian. I hate that I have to leave. I hate how this will all end. I hate that there is no other way. I hate that so many things that I want have to be ignored. But we know my days are numbered and I want..."
"What do you want?" He pressed gently.
Shaking my head I pressed my forehead against his chest, gathering my thoughts and only pulling away to see how he would react. "What do you want, Sweets?" And I saw it. Flickering behind his eyes, the proof that there was something that outweighed everything else.
What that was, I'll never know because he never answered. Instead, he locked that shit up tight and pretended he never heard me.
"I asked what you wanted."
He wasn't going to answer...I could feel the panic and hysteria reaching its climax. What did I want? A miles-long list hit me upside the head and flung my emotions into overdrive. "I want... I want movie therapy, and I want you to complain about my unhealthy obsession of Ramen packets, cups included. I want you to look at me and smile like you used to. I want you to laugh, dammit! You haven't laughed in weeks. I want you to talk to me. I want to stop acting like we have to be strangers until I'm gone. We promised some normal, and it's not. It's so fucking far from normal I don't even recognize what this is." I was certain I was going to hyperventilate.
Sebastian pulled me into him, his arms wrapping around me in one of his soothing hugs that I'll long for every upcoming brutal day. I buried my face into his shirt, smothering myself in that scent and everything it offered. It took me a minute to realize he was slowly rocking us back and forth. We were falling back into our exhausting cycle. Only now we had a layer of depressing truth to cover it.
"That's a hefty list, Short Stack." I felt his voice reverberate through my head, I was certain he had placed his cheek atop, not easy at our height difference. But hearing my pet name gave me hope.
"It's a little long," I mumbled.
"I'll see what I can do." I had no doubt he would.
"I need real-time to adjust, Lia. We simply don't have it so I'm trying to adapt at a more rapid pace. Even less now that you're leaving in a couple of weeks."
"I-" Sebastian slumped back down, causing me to break away-missing the cocoon already. I needed to stop thinking about my departure. Why, why did I tell him two weeks? Because the sirens are blaring, any longer and you all go down.
Time to bury my head in the sand and pretend none of the problems exist. I cleared my throat. "You don't yell anymore."
He smirked. "I was yelling five minutes ago."
"I mean at work. You don't yet at all. You don't react. Your fire's gone, Sweets. It can't be gone." I played with the gauze on my arm. Ronaldo's smirk dropped.
"Ah." He shook his head. "I'll work on that, I guess. I'm sorry, though I thought people preferred that I stop."
"We can handle your particular brand of prickly, Sweets. You not being vocal is just weird." And unsettling. He was like a zombified version of himself. Where he swallowed his frustrations as punishment. Internalizing the ever-loving shit out of all of the wrongs. It would kill him, and then what would be the point of me fucking off?
"Noted. I'll do my best to it figure out." Well, Rome wasn't built in a day, at least he'll try. My head was starting to hurt. "I'm not going to leave you high and dry. I'm trying, I promise."
"You're pretty good with those promises."
"Mmhmm." He looked at me sadly. "And you're sure you won't change your mind?"
"You know I won't." His frown told me I was wrong.
"Can you at least call?" He asked quietly. Sitting, hunched over in the stool across from me. Not resembling the man who always wielded a sword for anyone who needed it.
I nodded, slowly at first. "Yea, I can. Do you accept collect?"
Sebastian let out a strangled... something. The sound a mix of reluctant laughter and agony. I was a fucking monster-at the current moment both figuratively and physically. He dropped his head and dug his palms into his eyes.
That jaw muscle ticking away like it was working overtime for all these months that it's been dormant. And here it was, the man who could do anything was crumbling before me like cake. All because I couldn't shovel my own shit pile.
Maybe I was more like Bathilda than I ever imagined-slowly sucking the good out of everything I touched. And I thought Guin would destroy him. I'd break every single mirror if I could afford to risk further bad luck. "Yes. For you, I accept collect."
I felt my heart splinter, fall to pieces, and disintegrate. I hated how defeated he sounded. And I did that, I caused it.
"It's been a really rough day, Ronaldo. Movie Therapy?" I asked hopefully.
"Not tonight. I have some work I need to get done. And you need rest." He frowned. Fuck. Feck. Der Fucketh. Hope disintegrated into the heart rubble.
Tonight was going to be a silent, ugly cry night. Those box of puffs didn't stand a flipping chance any more than our friendship did.
"Oh. Right." I mean what could I say to that? I could mark this as the worst day I've had in thirteen years.
"Raincheck for tomorrow?" His sincerity rekindled hope in my silly heart powder.
I narrowed my eyes, more to keep any more tears from flowing than suspicion. "Promise?"
And by all the leprechauns in Ireland, he finally gave me the smile I'd been missing.
"Promise. How about I tuck you in for good faith. Too creepy?"
I laughed and regretted it immediately. "Ow, shit!" My hand flew up to my cheek.
Sebastian hissed. "Easy, easy!" He jumped and checked to make sure everything had stayed in place. "Try not to sleep on this side if you can help it, Short Stack." After deeming my band-aid safe, he quickly walked over to the medicine drawer for my leftover pain meds. Then grabbed a glass of water and returned with both. "This should ease up some of it. You may be sore tomorrow."
"Fuck, does she wallop enough punch in those slaps." I fought the urge to flex my jaw, that would only cause pain. "It's her damn rings. I swear she has a career as a mobster if this doesn't pan out for her."
Sweets shook his head. "Come on, you need sleep." He wrapped an arm around me and together we walked to my room. Sebastian waited outside while I changed and as soon I hollered, he was right there. He hadn't been exaggerating about tucking me in.
When he was gone, I had never felt more alone. I had been accosted, assaulted, and then I sparked an argument just when we were getting back on track. I'm dumping all over his perfectly constructed life and still, he tries to do whatever is easiest for me. I didn't deserve one fucking ounce of his generosity.
Just when I thought I may actually find some sleep, I heard my door open again. Since I had to stay off my right side, I was facing Sebastian when his head popped in.
"Something wrong?" I asked nervously. Honestly, I haven't forgotten about the twats threat.
"No, but if you're up to it, we can do a mini-movie therapy." He had my interest.
"Mini, you say?"
Sebastian walked in and placed his laptop on my night table. "I figured Turner and Hooch would do you some good. Here, I also brought you a new ice pack." I wanted to grin but knew it was not wise.
It was then I noticed that he was in sleeping pants and a t-shirt. Pants that looked a lot like the ones I had destroyed all those months ago. I took my ice and he grabbed the throw blanket from the desk and settled in behind me. Laying on top of the covers and only using the throw for overall coverage. So close yet so far.
Sweets lied down behind me, propped with an elbow. I watched the opening credits start but couldn't focus on the words, or even the scene in front of me. If there was an alternative, could I take it?
"Sebastian?"
"Hmmm." I turned partially to face him. He looked down at me, it was only now that I realized his hand resting on my hip. And I could feel it; the words building to make their escape, the ones I didn't dare give a voice. The question was there in his eyes and in the end, I couldn't do it. I couldn't ask or say the one thing I think we both really needed to hear.
As a bind or as a driving force. I lifted my hand to cup his cheek, tracing the parts of his face that have been almost permanently set in grimness since my first assault.
He closed his eyes, his features relaxing. He was enjoying the touch. My thumb landed on his lips, barely running along his bottom one. Ronaldo's eyes popped open and I couldn't quite get a read on what was going on in there.
He bit my thumb lightly as it lingered far, far too long. "Movie therapy, Darlin'." He whispered a gentle reminder, smiling. Right, we don't torture the already tortured man during Movie Therapy. My hand dropped, and quickly, I tucked it beneath my head when I turned to face his laptop again.
I fell asleep not far into the movie. Everything kicking in all at once. I thought I felt Sebastian press his mouth near my temple when he adjusted my cover.
"Sleep if you can, I'll be right here."
I'm loathed to leave all of this behind. To leave him and to hurt him as I have. Like I will. My last thoughts for the night could be considered anything but holy.
May all the wrath of all the gods in history crash upon Bathilda Romanov's head. It's the worst punishment I could envision and no one I knew deserves it more than her.