A/N: So uh, surprise? Sorry to just throw the finale chapter at you with no warning whatsoever. Due to this book being very much so "make it up as I go" I never really knew when the ending was gonna be. I was just gonna write until it felt right to end. And, the more and more I wrote this chapter, I began to realize that it felt right to end it here. As much as I love writing this book, and part of me wishes I could write it forever, I owe it to you all and to the integrity of the story to tie things up and not have the book drag on until I've completely undone all of the hard work I have put into this plot and these characters. I wanted my story to have a good, strong ending that leaves room for you all to write your own epilogs etc. I've spent months on this book, and due to it being summer, I've had the luxury of time to actually put good effort into it and make sure I am proud of every chapter I am writing, but as uni and everything begins again, that time for attention to detail won't be around anymore, and I've worked far too hard on this to allow myself to get sloppy in the end.
Also, one last thing, I just wanted to say a massive thank you. I was rereading the first chapters of this book and I talked about celebrating 4 readers. It really meant a lot to me that out of all of the fanfics with thousands of reads, people dared to choose one that had like 2 reads and 0 comments/votes. And yet, people did. At the time of writing this, this story has 1.5K reads which would have been unfathomable when I first wrote this book literally as a place to vent my feelings about Matty. Not to mention, also, the comments that have been left on this book that literally inspired me to keep writing even when I was traveling the earth or taking exams. The amount of support I have received has been the most pleasant and rewarding surprise. I am so glad there are people out there who have had just as much fun reading this as I have had writing it. Thank you a thousand times.
So here it is. The end. I hope it's a good one and I apologies again for not letting you know sooner. I hope you guys understand.
________
"Hey, glad I caught ya!" he spoke, interrupting the music blasting through my earbuds.
"Hey Theo," I smiled warmly, though still a bit startled by his abrupt introduction.
"You never called," he spoke again, his voice not as chipper as before, "it's been a week since our first date and you haven't called once," he reiterated.
I could feel my heart sink a bit, a pang of all too familiar guilt washing over me. I somehow kept forgetting that though I wasn't actively pursuing a relationship with him, he was still after one with me. He had skin in the game, feelings on the line, and though I may not be affected, my actions actually hurt him.
"I'm so sorry Theo, I've been so busy with this project for my art history class I haven't had much time" I rambled, not entirely lying. I really did have a massive project I was working on, but I certainly was not too busy to call him. It just seemed to be that all of the free time I did have was spent thinking back to the night of our first date. Yet my memories of that night were never about Theo, they were always about my interaction with Matty in the hall.
There it was again, that damn guilt feeling. I had gone on a date with the hottest guy at the academy and all I could think about was the one minute I had spent in the hall with another man. My ex-boyfriend. The man I tried so hard to fall out of love with. Why was it so hard?
"Can you make it up to me?" Theo pleaded, pulling me back into focus.
"How so?" I asked, pausing my music as we continued to walk down the street.
"Grab coffee with me right now," he suggested.
"Theo..." I spoke.
"I know you're busy," he argued, "but you just got out of class and you deserve to give yourself a mental break before you do more work," he spoke, shooting me puppy dog eyes. "Just give me 30 minutes," he spoke finally.
"I guess I can take a break for 30 minutes," I caved, following quickly behind his tall figure as he led me down the street.
"I love this place," he spoke as we slipped through the glass door. It was a lot nicer than the campus cafe, also meaning it wasn't packed with rowdy uni kids.
I made my way towards the menu before I felt his hand on my shoulder.
"They have this amazing specialty drink here you have to try," Theo began, "let me order you one while you go find us a table,"
I didn't want to protest or sound picky, I was doing this for him after all. So I simply nodded my head and found a booth by the window. The cafe was cozy, and a simple jazz melody hummed over the speakers, complemented by the sound of gentle conversation and milk steaming. I organized my school books as Theo began to make his way over to the table, two mugs in hand with a frothy looking beverage inside.
"What is it?" I questioned.
"Try it and see," Theo winked.
"I love a good mystery," I replied, placing the ceramic mug to my lips.
I felt the warm liquid flood my mouth, the sweetness overwhelming me.
"So, what do you think?" Theo asked eagerly. I hated to let him down, he seemed to love whatever this drink was.
"It's sweet," I chuckled.
"So good!" Theo cheered as he drank from his. Hopefully, he loved it enough to drink mine for me.
I tried to focus carefully as he talked, whether it be about life or school or overly sweet coffee. I couldn't keep letting myself slip. I couldn't think about Matty. I couldn't keep hurting Theo like that. I couldn't keep hurting myself.
And for 15 minutes it worked. For 15 minutes, things seemed natural. For 15 minutes, it seemed as though Theo and I could actually work. For 15 minutes, things were normal.
Until he came in.
He hadn't noticed me yet. Or if he did, he was playing it off really well. I couldn't take my eyes off of him as he approached the counter, ordering something that I was too far away to hear. Making the barista blush. Making me jealous.
I shouldn't be jealous. I had Theo. I was perfectly fine-
Oh shit. He saw me.
His moves were calculated as he retrieved his coffee, something looking much stronger and less sweet than the shit Theo had ordered for me. I watched as he winked at me, making me angrier than anything else. Angry that he still had this effect on me. And then, the bastard sat down at the booth behind ours. Looking right at me.
"Are you alright?" Theo asked, "You seem a bit uncomfortable, was it something I said?"
"No," I shook my head, attempting to hide my blush, "I'm fine,"
I decided there was only one safe place to look: my coffee. If I looked at Theo, Matty would be sat so strategically so behind him, forcing me to see him too. I didn't want to see him.
It only took 5 more minutes for Theo to notice something was up. Even just looking at my drink, I could still feel Matty's relentless gaze on me, probably silently applauding himself for getting me all worked up just by existing.
"Are you sure you're alright?" Theo asked again.
"It's probably just stress," I spoke, daring to look up at him. I was sure Matty was making a face behind him, but my gaze was locked on Theo's eyes.
"Need some water?" Theo asked. I shook my head. If Theo left to retrieve water for me, that would leave me without a distraction from the curly-haired brunette sitting behind him.
"Actually, I think I'm just gonna find the restroom," I spoke, getting up quickly, eyes glued to my feet.
"It's right down that hall," Theo gestured. I nodded softly before walking quickly, inevitably passing Matty's table.
I almost made it. I was nearly there, already halfway down the hall. Escape insight. Until I felt his grip on my wrist, pulling me back into his figure.
"Why are you still pretending," Matty growled into my ear from behind me, his proximity making my knees buckle and my breaths quicken.
"What do you mean?" I spat as I attempted to slip out from his grasp.
"You're still with him" he chuckled.
"Are you jealous?" I smirked, trying to play coy as he turned me to face him.
"Why would I be?" he questioned.
"He's sweet," I protested.
"Uh-huh," Matty said carelessly.
"He ordered me coffee," I fired back.
"What did he order you?" Matty asked.
"Some specialty mocha thing," I rambled, not wanting to admit that I hated it.
"You would have rather had an americano," Matty scoffed. He was right. I hated that he was right. I hated that he knew that he was right.
"He wants to help me study in his flat," I spoke again.
"You'd rather be at mine," he winked. He was right.
"Don't be so cocky," I shot back with all the confidence I could muster. With that, something in his eyes went from playful to more serious now, and before I could think twice, he had me pinned against the wall, just out of sight from the cafe.
"Matty," I hissed as his arms trapped me in place, his lips dangerously close to mine.
"Why are you defending him?" he growled.
To be honest, I didn't know. He wasn't someone worth defending, not when up against Matty. I felt as though I was more defending my own pride, proving I wouldn't just keep succumbing to the brunette boy in front of me.
"Theo's a good guy," I spoke.
"Good guy is just a nice word for boring, isn't it?" Matty responded, raising his eyebrows as he got impossibly closer to me.
"No," I mumbled.
I could feel my breathing hitch as Matty leaned in, his lips nearly grazing over mine before moving to my ear, his warm breath sending a chill down my spine.
"I bet Theo can't get you hot and bothered like this, can he?" Matty spoke lowly, his the vibrations of his voice in my ear-tickling my senses. I could feel myself tingling in every place I wanted him to be. I wanted to melt away into him at that moment. But I couldn't.
I had Theo. Theo was normal, he was security, he was good. All things I hated, but I couldn't afford to risk having my heart broken again. And that's what Matty was. A risk.
"I bet he doesn't kiss you until your breathless as I can, or tease you until your face is pink and your eyes are blown out in lust" Matty continued.
Suddenly, he moved his knee between my legs, applying pressure where I needed it most. I cursed myself for the whimper that slipped from my lips. I could feel Matty's lips near millimeters away from my skin as he grazed along my jawline, down my neck, and back up to my lips, teasing me with the anticipation of his kiss.
"I bet he can't fuck you like I do," he growled finally. I couldn't take it anymore. All of the teasing, the near touching, the sultry tone laced in his voice. It was overwhelmingly impossible to resist, and if I waited any longer I would either give in or pass out, neither of which appealing to me.
"You don't know shit," I lied, pushing him off of me.
"And you know where to find me," he winked before walking away, leaving me alone in the hall.
I disappeared into the bathroom to calm down a moment before coming back to join Theo, Matty no longer at his table.
Only a minute had passed before the barista Matty had been talking to earlier was stood at our table, a mug in hand.
"One large americano with two pups of hazelnut and an extra shot of espresso" she spoke. My favorite drink.
"We didn't order that," Theo clarified, shooting me a confused glance.
"I know," the barista nodded, "another customer ordered it for her on his way out,"
________
Guilt
Guilt
All I felt was guilt
I shouldn't be here
I knew that
I should be in bed with him
With Theo
Flat 108
It was 1:00am
I was stood outside flat 102
All I felt was guilt
My mind was screaming at me to stop yet my feet were planted
My knuckles grew white as they clinched in a fist, centimeters away from the door
Ready to knock
I had no control
Someone else was controlling my body
Someone else brought me to Matty's doorstep
I was just a puppet
It wasn't too late yet
I could still turn back
Go into Theo's flat and go back to sleep as if nothing happened
It wasn't too late
And then, with a force beyond my control, I knocked
It was too late
I held my breath
Guilt
Guilt
I shouldn't be here but I couldn't leave
What was I going to do
What was I going to say
What was I-
"Jess?" Matty smirked as he answered the door. He looked impossibly good, clad in grey joggers that hung dangerously low around his waist and an unbuttoned blouse revealing his tattooed chest. He should be sponsored or something because damn was he doing those clothes justice.
"Matty," I breathed, completely unprepared with any explanation as to why I was here. Why was I here?
"Why are you here?" he asked as if hearing my inner monologue.
"I... I uh," I stumbled to find the words to say, "I don't know,"
"Oh yeah?" Matty teased, stepping closer to me, "let's figure that out then, hmm?"
"W-what?" I stuttered.
"You were spending the night at Theo's house, weren't you?" Matty questioned, stepping closer to me, causing me to move back into the hall.
"Nothing happened!" I blurted, immediately wanting to take it back. Why was I feeding into his little game? Why was I helping him win?
"Oh, I know," Matty winked. Fucking twat.
"You're supposed to be with him right now," Matty spoke again. I simply nodded my head, not trusting my words anymore. "But you came here," he growled, "you left Theo for me,"
"It's not like that," I stammered.
"Then what's it like, Jessica?" Matty spoke lowly, walking closer and closer to me as I backed further into the hall. Why did he have to be so intimidating, and why did I have to be so turned on by it?
"Theo went to bed, I wasn't tired, I needed somewhere to go," I rushed out my excuses.
"But if you weren't tired, you could have gone out for a pint or called a friend or have Elias come to rescue you like he so often does," Matty nearly spat the last part, clearly still bitter towards Elias.
"But," he said, backing me against the wall, "you" stepping closer, "came" closer, "here"
His lips were so close to mine I could practically taste them. It was all too much. Yet again.
"I should go," I finally mustered the strength to say.
"It's not like you're tied up," Matty replied, smirking at the way I blushed. He knew exactly how his words affected me.
"I can't be here," I blurted, knowing if I stayed any longer I would be tied up.
"You're the one that came over," Matty replied, stepping away from me. I could breathe again.
But I couldn't seem to leave. I couldn't find a way to get my feet to move.
"It won't happen again," I said, more to myself than to Matty.
"Oh yeah?" he teased, cocking his head as he eyed me.
"Matty," I warned, not wanting his playful tone anymore. I was serious now.
"I have Theo," I began, "so this can't keep happening,"
"Why are you still fighting this?" Matty spoke, his voice nearly annoyed.
"Fighting what, Matty" I spoke.
"Us, Jess. We split because I fucked up and took too many drugs. But I've gone to rehab. I'm clean now. So, I'll ask again, why do you keep fighting this? You don't have to pretend you like him anymore. Just give in,"
And I knew he was right. He was clean now. But he was clean before. He was clean with me, but then he wasn't. And then I carried a burden of thinking it was my fault for his demise, thinking if I had just passed up on the opportunity to study art he'd be okay, thinking the reason he almost died was because I decided to do something for myself. I couldn't afford to bear a burden like that again. Not to mention that fact that once he was back on drugs, I was no longer his medicine the way he said I was, the way he lied to me. Every time he injected the poison into himself, I cracked. And when he injected the poison into me, I broke. And for 3 months after, I was trying to put all the pieces back together. I was taking all of the blame. I had placed my identity within him, and when he was gone, I felt empty. For 3 months I worked hard to get myself where I was now. Doing well at school, actually making friends, getting out of the house, going on dates. And now, here Matty was, trying to rope me back into the same trap I was in before, with rollercoaster highs and deadly lows. I couldn't afford that. If I fell again, there was no coming back. I was too weak now to put up the same fight I had fought for 3 months after our split. And for the first time in my somber 3 months, with Matty looking at me from across the hall, I was no longer sad. For the first time in 3 months, I put the blame on him. For the frist time in 3 months, I was angry.
"No, Matty," I said, anger boiling in my voice, "I don't think you're in the position to tell me what to do. I think you have forgotten who did the hurting. I left your flat bruised and broken that night, and you didn't even say sorry," I choked on my last words. This hurt so much worse than it would have if I wasn't still in love with him. It hurt so deeply to love him. "So, for the final time, I'm telling you it won't happen again. I won't be here again."
And with that, I could finally move. And I moved fast. Back to Theo's flat, behind the door, away from Matty. For the last time.
________
For 2 weeks, there was nothing. No incidents. No hallway run-ins. No random sightings. No nothing. Not even a taunting phone call. For 2 weeks, Matty was not in my life at all. For 2 weeks, there was peace with Theo. Things were actually going well between us when the curly-haired brunette wasn't around to distract or tease me. For 2 weeks I could actually focus on my assignments for school. For 2 weeks I could focus.
It all felt too normal. Too inline. Too perfect. I knew, somewhere in my mind, I was subconsciously bottling up every ache and pain regarding Matthew Healy. My brain knew my heart couldn't take it, so it didn't let it. I felt like I was hiding something from myself. I knew I should be hurting, but I wasn't. My brain was trying to paint a normal life before me to mask the pain. Yet I didn't feel myself. I felt off, knowing I wasn't feeling my own true emotions.
For 2 weeks played it cool. It was easy not to feel much when I was around Theo, he just never quite evoked a reaction like that from me. It was easy not to feel when I was studying art history in class. It was easy not to feel when I was watching shitty horror films with Annabelle and Elias. However, for 2 weeks, I could not paint. My art, my creativity, was so maintained by the spontaneity of my emotions. Without them, I had nothing to paint. Without Matty Healy, I had no art.
Then I got a letter.
I could tell it was from him just by looking at the perfectly imperfect cursive that scribbled my address. I hated the ways in which I obsessed over the smallest details of him. I hated the way getting the letter from him excited me. I hated the way it occurred to me now just how much I had missed him. I hated that I hated not talking to him.
I didn't open it all day, but it sat at the back of the mind, my brain bending at the possibilities of what could be concealed within the crisp white envelope.
I waited until it was late, and I was alone, the letter in front of me nearly taunting my mind with its boundless potential.
I fumbled with the seal until I pulled out the folded white paper, my fingers working in time with the breaths I was steadying. I didn't want to read it, but I couldn't seem to stop myself, Matty's oh so familiar hand writing beckoning me in.
I held my breath and began reading
At the best of times, I'm lonely in my mind, but I can find something to show you if you have got the time. Why would I rely on the things that I did right?
He was so poetic it was confusing.
So what about these feelings I've got?
I thought back to our fight in the hall 2 weeks ago. Is that what this is about? Is he still in love with me? After everything?
We got it wrong and you said you'd had enough. What about these feelings I've got.
My guilt for leaving him suddenly rushed back into me. Why did I leave him? Did he still love me? Does he still love me now?
I couldn't be more in love.
And with that, I broke. He still loved me. And I still loved him. And everything that I had bottled up in the past two weeks had just burst at the seams like an over-inflated balloon. I needed to be with him. But where was he?
I scrambled to pick up the envelope, tears streaming down my face as the war between love and pain battled within my heart. I found the return address. Brazil. He was in Brazil. And just like that, an emotional fury clouded all rational thought,
I was in Brazil too.
"Jess, what are you doing here?" Kai's said as I entered the hotel lounge, her laced with both surprise and delight.
"Kai, where's Matty?" I spoke, trying to hide the fact that I had been crying nearly the entire flight over.
"I missed you so much," she spoke, "I thought I'd never see you again,"
"Kai," I spoke again, hoping she'd give me the answer I came all this way for.
"How did you even find us?" she asked.
"Kai, please," I begged, "I've missed you too, and we need to catch up, but right now I really really really need to see Matty," my voice cracked.
"He's in room 215, here's a spare key," Kai spoke, her tone very serious now, "just so you know, he's been really off the past 2 weeks so he might be acting weird unless you had something to do with it?" Kai stated. I didn't have time to give her answers, so I made my way to the elevator.
My feet carried me faster than I could fathom, leaving me knocking on the door of room 215 before I even registered getting off the letter.
"Go away, I don't want to go out tonight," I heard Matty mumble. He really was off. It must have been our fight.
"It's me," I spoke finally, wondering if he would even recognize my voice when he was in no way expecting to hear it.
For a moment, there was silence. But it was quickly broken by the sound of the door hinges unlocking, revealing a disheveled and surprised looking, Matty Healy.
"I got your letter and-" I began, but I was cut off before I could finish. By his lips. And suddenly, the speech I had prepared in my head on the plane, my need for words was gone. And I kissed him back.
I melted into the way his hands cupped my face, holding me into the breathless kiss as though I were to run away if he let go. And so he didn't. And we kissed for a while. To make up for the fights, the pain, the tears, the months away in rehab or in art classes, the fights, the tension. None of it mattered anymore when his lips finally met mine again.
"Matty," I finally spoke breathlessly.
"I'm sorry," he began, kissing me once more before continuing on, "It was all my fault. If I hadn't fucked up so bad, we would have been able to work things out. And I'm sorry for how I treated you when you were just trying to be happy with Theo. You were right. I was jealous and I just forgot whose fault everything was. But now you're here in Brazil and I have you..." Matty spoke, cutting off his rambling by kissing me once more. I took all the strength and will power I possessed to stop him again and not get lost in his touch.
"Matty, wait," I spoke, stepping back to help resist the tempting proximity, "How are we going to make this work? You're on tour and I have school, and we both know what happened last time we were apart,"
Matty combed his fingers through his hair, smiling gently.
"I'm clean now," he spoke.
"You were clean before..." I added.
"You just have to trust me," he pleaded.
"I trusted you last time," I spoke softly. With that, Matty reached his arm around me, pulling my figure into his until I was nestled under the security of his touch, surrounded by his scent I learned to love. In his arms, I felt home. I felt myself.
"Jess, I went to an intense rehab in the middle of nowhere to beat my addiction. And I got over one heroin, one of the hardest drugs to detach yourself from, yet I did. But the one addiction I could not get over was my addiction to you. And I tried. Fuck Jess, I tried to get over you more than I tried to get over heroin, but I couldn't. And I learned a lot about what matters. And I realized how fucked up it was that I put the burden of my addiction on you, and how fucked I was to let myself slip back into that void when I knew it would hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, Jess. I won't hurt you. It took me three months to sort myself out, but I promise I know myself this time. I know now that my love for you is the most certainty I have ever felt in my life. I am so in love with you, Jessica Rose,"
"I love you too, Matthew Healy,"
"Things are gonna work out this time. I need you to trust me. Please."
________
What a wild ride. I have loved writing this, and it's been a privilege to have people continuously coming back to read and support my fangirling. I have no words other than thank you.
Xx