I don't go out much. When I'm not suffering through school, I'm at home, shut away in my bedroom and ignoring the ongoing world just outside my window. When I'm motivated, I'll listen to music and play video games, or draw crappy, disproportionate characters in stiff awkward poses; when I'm not, I'll sprawl across my bed and stare at the ceiling above, or sit by the window and watch the pouring rain for hours on end.
My best friend is the complete opposite. She can't stand being locked in the house, and she doesn't see the amusement in video games, either. Instead, she loves spending her free time outside, meeting up with friends, going to the mall, having fun, creating memories.
So, when word about a local dance recital started spreading like a wildfire, Rin couldn't contain her excitement. It's the perfect atmosphere for her; energetic people prancing around, clapping and swaying along to reverberating music and having the time of their life.
Notice how I said for 'her'? Rin's heaven sounds like my idea of hell.
"God, Miku," Rin mutters, looking around my small, cramped bedroom and clutching a faded blue cushion to her chest. She shakes her head from side to side, blonde hair falling over her face as she exhales a deep sigh. "This place is such a mess; I honestly don't know how you can live in such a state."
I follow her gaze. The room isn't very big, meaning it gets cluttered extremely easily — at this point, I've become accustomed to the mess. It's not like I have any kind of motivation to clean up, anyway.
Clothes are scattered across the floor, concealing the ugly brown carpet beneath. A medley of pens, pencils, books and eraser rubbings are cluttering up my desk, and the odd empty water bottle that I never got around to throwing away lingers mockingly in the far corner.
"It reflects me pretty well, doesn't it?" I reply flatly, forcing half a smile at the concerned blonde, who is sitting primly on the end of my bed and studying my chaotic bedroom through narrowed eyes.
Abruptly, she looks back up at me. "What kind of attitude is that?" She asks. Though her voice sounds strict and maybe even harsh, there's a sad undertone that I just can't ignore — it makes me feel so guilty, but I don't know if I have the willpower to make a change.
Instead of responding, I dip my head and avoid all eye contact, deciding to remain silent before I make the situation even worse. After a few moments of silence, Rin speaks up once more, her voice significantly softer. "Miku.. I don't know what's gotten into you. And, most importantly, I don't know how to help you." She shakes her head sadly and leans back, staring up at the ceiling above.
I bite my lip, the guilt worsening. Long ago, I was just as optimistic and outgoing as the Kagamine twins; I was creative and imaginative, I loved cracking jokes and making people laugh. I lived in a world of my own, a world full of butterflies, rainbows and unicorns; a world untouched by cruelty.
Though as I grew older, I was forced into the real world, and let me tell you, it's a much, much crueler world. As those around me became more and more obnoxious, I became more and more withdrawn. I found myself cowering from the spotlight, wanting nothing less than to be in the centre of everyone's attention.
It seems like a lifetime ago I was a bubbly, giggly preteen, pointing out cute guys and getting involved in whatever I could. That girl I once was is nowhere to be found anymore; she left not a trace.
Those I called friends all those years ago started then to shoot heartless remarks at me whenever I was trying to mind my own business. They would laugh as they pushed and shoved, smirk as they pulled my hair and tripped me over. Life became a living hell.
Luckily, Rin and Len took notice of the bullying several years back. They defended me, and slowly, the teasing lessened. I guess you could say they saved me? It wouldn't be an awfully far-off statement. Though, even then, it took me an incredibly long time to feel completely comfortable around them.
I guess all things happen for a reason, because now, I have two amazing best friends who take me under their wing and protect me from the cruel world. But, with that, comes the feeling of being nothing more than a huge burden.
Rin's concern is bittersweet, like a savoury snack with a bitter aftertaste. I'm incredibly grateful for her concern, and at the end of the day, I know that all she wants is the best for me, and don't get me wrong; I wholeheartedly appreciate that to no end. But, on the other hand, I don't want her to worry about me — after all, I'm not exactly worth it, and I don't want to keep bothering her day in and day out. It makes me feel awful.
Rin deserves the world and more, and it irritates me that I can't give her just that. I wish I could accompany her to the mall for a day out, or maybe even to a party for a fun night. But I just know that I'd ruin the whole experience for me and her both, so what's the point when I'll end up making a fool of myself and hating myself for the rest of time?
I wish I were stronger, for her sake more than mine.
I'm so useless.
My train of thought is brought to an abrupt halt by Rin slowly taking my hand in hers. Caught off guard, I flinch at the gesture and slowly lift my gaze to meet hers, a faint blush creeping across my cheeks. Her cerulean eyes are sad, and she wordlessly smiles a small smile at me. "I know you're not feeling great, but I'm determined to help you out of this mess. I promise I'll do all I can."
I bite down on my lip hard. "Please don't worry about me, Rin." I tell her, forcing a small smile back at her.
Stubbornly, Rin shakes her head from side to side. "You're my best friend, Miku! All I want is for you to be happy and healthy." She squeezes my hand tightly as she speaks, electric blue orbs sparkling in the dim light. "That being said..."
I feel my heart rate speed up at the transition between topics, knowing full well what she is about to suggest, and dreading it all the same. "If it's something about that stupid recital thing, I really don't want to hear it," I sigh, pulling my hand away and glancing at her.
Her expression falls. "Can't you at least just hear me out?" She asks desperately, fluttering her lashes and looking back at me through sad, upturned eyes. I shake my head, giving in.
"Fine," I mumble. "Surprise me."
Immediately, Rin's eyes light up, and she claps her hands together excitedly. "Thank you!" She gloats, triumphant of my defeat. "So, you know how Len and I volunteered to work backstage, yeah?"
I tilt my head, recalling our earlier conversation. "You mean, how you forced Len into volunteer working with you?"
Rin laughs and scratches her head sheepishly. "Yeah, that. Anyway, the stage crew and performers are all supposed to be really nice and supportive of one another. And there won't be far as many people backstage than there will be in the audience, so I was wondering if you maybe wanted to tag along with us and help out here and there?" She studies my doubtful expression for a long moment, before clearing her throat and continuing on. "I know what you're thinking, but I think it'll be a step in the right direction, don't you?"
My gaze slides away from the keen blonde and drops to the messy floor. "I'm not sure about that," I admit.
Rin shakes her head stubbornly. "Come on, it'll be fun! I'll be there with you the whole time, and Len will be too, of course." She leans back against the wall and tucks some stray strands of light blonde hair behind her ear, thoughtfully. "Maybe it'll build your confidence up a bit? Please Miku, please at least give it some thought. I'm not exactly asking for a miracle here."
Oh, if only you knew. A small sigh escapes my lips as I ponder her offer, though before I can respond, a familiar voice calls from the kitchen.
"Miku, Rin! Dinner!"
Rin's eyes widen like two saucers at the news. "Ohmygosh, please tell me your mum has made that amazing soba noodle stir fry!" She cries, leaping off the bed and rushing out of the room. I chuckle under my breath before following her into the kitchen.
Rin and Len have both become a major part of our family. The twins will stay with us after school at least one or twice a week for a meal, a tradition since unbroken. My mum loves Rin and Len like they're her own children, and the three all get along incredibly well. I suppose it's quite a blessing, really.
My older brother Mikuo is already sat at the table, digging into a smoked tofu paella. He smiles as we enter the room, and bows his head slightly in greeting. "Afternoon, Rin," he greets the enthusiastic blonde.
Rin smiles back as we take a seat. "To you too, Mikuo! Oooh, is that tofu?!" She inquired, taking a peek at the food set out on the table.
"It sure is," Mum replies with a smile, emerging from the backroom and taking a seat with the rest of us. "It's so good to see you again, Rin. Where's Len today? He's usually here on a Friday."
Rin shrugs her shoulders as she picks up the chopsticks set neatly on the table. "Honestly, I'm not really sure. Said he was going out with his friends, though was given a last-minute detention."
Mum laughs airily. "That sounds about right, the poor guy. What'd he do this time?"
"Just a missed homework," I chip in. "The faculty are merciless when it comes to him, and honestly, it's pretty funny."
Rin smirks. "Pretty? It's hilarious! I love rubbing it in his face when I'm let off the hook and walking freely out those gates!"
Rin and Len are pretty typical siblings. They fight a lot, usually over the pettiest things, though they can't stay mad at one another for long. Though they won't admit it very easily, they're incredibly close — always have been, and always will be.
The next ten minutes pass by swiftly as we discuss the most random of topics over a bowl of delicious paella. Rin is most definitely a talker; once she gets going, it's difficult for her to stop. And though that may annoy some people, I find it adorably amusing. Plus, it's easier to hide behind a mask when I don't actually have to talk, so it's a win-win either way.
"By the way, Misa..." Rin begins, finishing her meal and setting her chopsticks down, before looking over to my mother, who is beginning to collect up the dishes and place them in the washing up bowl. "I'm going to be helping out backstage at the dance recital this weekend with Len, and I suggested Miku joins us."
I cringe internally as my mum turns to me excitedly. "Oh, that's a lovely idea! Miku, dear, you should most definitely attend! It'll be very beneficial for you, and I'm sure you'll have tons of fun!"
I bite my lip and fumble with my hands under the table. "But I don't—"
"My point exactly!" Rin grins, turning to me eagerly. "The recital is always amazing every year. It's such a positive, uplifting environment, and I'm sure we will all have a great time!"
Still not convinced, I let out a sigh.
"Please?" She begs, resting her head against my shoulder and looking up at me hopefully.
I shuffle uncomfortably, feeling under pressure as three pairs of eyes burn into me collectively. Eventually, I exhale sharply, giving in. "Fine, I'll come." The words come out as nothing more than a mutter.
"What was that?" Rin asks.
"I'll come!" I repeat, ever so slightly agitated.
Upon hearing my decision, Rin's lips spread into a wide smile, and she throws her arms around me into a tight embrace. "Yay! Oh my gosh, you won't regret it, it'll be really fun! I promise!"
I know full well those are nothing more than empty promises, but hopefully, joining Rin at the recital will be enough to satisfy her. And maybe it won't be so bad after all?
Mum stares at me, clearly shocked by my — half-hearted — agreement. Though her expression quickly dissolves into one of joy, further evident by her happy tone of voice. "Good for you, love! It'll be a great day."
She looks at Rin and bows her head, smirking jokingly. "You're in charge of looking after her, Rin."
Rin grins, stifling a giggle. "Of course! As for now though," she rises from her seat and stretches. "I should get going. Thank you so much for the meal, though!"
My mum smiles warmly. "It's always a pleasure, Rin. Take care on your way home!"
Rin nods once, before patting my head and briefly playing with my messy locks. "I'll text you the details when I get home, okay?" I nod in response, and she smiles before giving me a quick hug from behind. "I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Bye, Rin." I call after her. She leaves the room, and within a matter of moments, the front door clicks shut. I get up and gather up the remaining cutlery, my mind completely blank.
Mikuo looks over towards me as I frolic around. "It'll be a much more smooth-sailing experience than you think it'll be, Miku," he assures me upon seeing my doubtful expression. "You'll enjoy it, I'm sure."
I flash him a small smile and shrug my shoulders, before dumping the cutlery in the bowl and rushing out of the room.