I thought I had mentally prepared for my mother's arrival. It had been almost two years since I had last seen her face in my past life. I couldn't help but wonder if she would be any different in this one. So many things had already changed here and there, perhaps she had as well.
Sitting at my desk, pretending to work but unable to even read one page, I stopped to laugh at myself. At these types of pathetic hopes. I knew better than anyone that she wouldn't change.
I heard the sounds of a carriage outside, dropping the unread book in my hand with a loud thud. My heart rate increased, pounding in my chest as I stood up, moving towards the entrance.
I could already hear her screaming.
"HOW DARE YOU DROP MY BAG YOU STUPID COW!" Mother stood there, her face red with rage, screaming at one the young women who worked as a maid at our home. She was a newer hire, I had only seen her a few times around the main hall, but I felt a pang of sympathy as she shied away from my mother's anger, mumbling apologies as she clutched the bag in question.
"I'LL TEACH YOU TO DISRESPECT ME!" the terrified words and tears of the maid fell on deaf ears, as my mother raised her hand, preparing to strike the girl. Even in her anger, a slight grin tugged on the corner of her mouth. She thrived off of moments like this, making others afraid.
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"What happened?!" As she got in the carriage after the disastrous party, mother glared at my father and me, confused.
"Prince Ronan... he... he broke off the engagement." I could barely force the words out through my tears. My father sat at my side, trying to hand me a handkerchief to dry my eyes, looking overwhelmed.
"..." The carriage was deathly silent. My mother looked at me with a tired, disdainful gaze.
"So you've finally done it?" Her gaze was sharp, feeling as though it was flaying me open. "I've told you over and over to ensure he fell in love with you, and in the end you couldn't even keep him interested enough to tie the knot?!"
"Dear, maybe this isn't the time or place...?" My father interrupted with a sympathetic glance towards me, but was ignored.
"Did he leave you for another woman?" Her question was cold, sucking all the warmth out of the carriage. I shivered, trying to hold back further tears and nodded silently.
"THEN WHY DID I WASTE ALL MY TIME ON SUCH A WORTHLESS GIRL?!!" Her hand raised up in the air. I closed my eyes as it came down towards me, wishing I was someone else.
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The lawn was silent. Mother's hand was stopped, paused mid-swing as I reached out and grabbed it. The contact stung my palm, but I smiled gently, refusing to show any pain in front of her. Behind me, the maid still crouched, staring up at us both with wide eyes, only releasing the bag she still held as a grim-faced Hallers reached out and took it from her.
"Welcome back, Mother. Why don't we have some tea inside?"
My first words to my mother since I woke up in my second life. It felt oddly surreal. Our eyes met, and despite my complex feelings she didn't appear to realize anything was amiss. Shrugging, she dropped her hand and stepped away from the maid, a bored expression back in place.
"No, no tea just yet." She was looking at the family home with disgust. "I must have a bath first, I'm positively filthy from the road dust." Without a further glance at anyone, she strolled inside, heading upstairs. Shooting a quick glance to me to confirm I had no disagreement, Hallers went into action, giving out instructions to the servants to arrange the bath and unpacking.
With a small sigh of relief, I turned to return inside, only to pause as I felt a small tug on my sleeve.
Surprised, I looked back to see the maid I had rescued from being struck.
"Thank you, Miss!" Her eyes were filled with gratitude, making me unsure as to how to answer. I wasn't someone who should be thanked. I was the one who brought that woman back in the first place.
I forced a smile, "Don't worry about it. She thinks everyone is useless..." I paused, briefly looking back at the home which now contained my mother. "Especially me."
"That's impossible!" She stuttered slightly on her reply, obviously nervous at the conversation, "No one could think YOU are useless, after everything you've done! Everyone looks up to you, Miss!"
"I wouldn't say that..." I met Hallers gaze, expecting him to chastise the girl for not returning to work but found him nodding in agreement instead. I wondered briefly if complimenting me was the way to get on his good side, and then brushed the idea aside as ridiculous. Hallers was an eternal professional. He would never give leeway in the rules for such a silly reason!
Focusing back on the young maid, I asked. "What's your name?"
"Lia, Miss." She curtseyed as she spoke, a well-practiced gesture. Despite her youth and inexperience, she had obviously been working hard. I made a mental note to commend her to Hallers later, along with a warning to keep her away from my mother.
It was the least I could do.
"Well Lia, I'm happy you're fine." I turned away and walked back inside, thinking of the confrontation that was awaiting me shortly.
"One of us should be."
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My mother took her time with the bath, only coming down after several hours had passed. I had given up waiting and was going through some of the weekly expense reports in the office, feeling tense. Every nerve was on edge. If anything, it seemed as though Mother's long absence from the family had worsened her self-indulgent and abusive personality. My hopes of being able to reason with her were disappearing fast.
This was not going to go well.
A quiet knock on the door sounded, and Hallers, his face once again expressionless, let my mother in. I stood up to greet her, smiling despite my sudden nervousness, and looked over at the butler, feeling a pain in my chest at the concern in his eyes.
"We'll need a few minutes alone. I'll ring for tea once we're done."
He looked back at my mother for a moment, worry slipping through his otherwise perfect mask. "Are you sure?" He whispered. It must have cost him a lot to ask this, and for the briefest of moments I wished more than anything I could say yes. That I could hide behind him and beg him to stay. To protect me from what I had to do next.
But that wouldn't help me in the end. I had to change my fate, and to do that... I needed my mother on board.
"I'm sure." And I was. Despite how much I wanted to avoid this, I knew with absolute certainty that I didn't want him to witness what I was about to do. "I... have to do this. "
His face resumed its mask, but his eyes stayed on mine. "Good luck, Miss."
The door closed behind him, and I was alone with my mother.
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She was beautiful, it was impossible to deny it. Coppery hair, held up in an intricate design, large dark eyes framed by full lashes, her features were delicate, hardly touched by time. She moved with a grace of a much younger woman, each motion stunning to watch.
She sat down in one of the chairs, looking me over with a critical eye. "How are things going with the Prince?" The first question she always asked when she saw me.
How many times had I dreamed of giving her a positive answer, of finally making her proud of me?
But it was never meant to be, in this life or the last.
"We barely see each other."
In response, She glared at me, annoyed by my answer. "PERHAPS if you put more attention to your appearance?" She glanced at my dress again. "No man would want to court a plain girl who dresses like a servant!"
I couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at that. I did wear simpler designs at home, no longer comfortable in the complex lace ridden monstrosities that Angela constantly wanted me to wear, but it was still well made, elegant clothing. This design was one of our best sellers at Prosperity, in fact.
"No, this just won't do." She shook her head, smiling condescendingly at me. "I've heard of this new shop, "Prosperity." Apparently it's all the rage among the nobility. I'll take you there before your birthday and we'll try to make you look presentable."
I kept my face straight, sitting down behind my desk. "That's alright, I own quite a few dresses from there already."
How I managed to say that without laughing, I was unsure. Fortunately, Mother didn't notice, it was unclear if she had even heard my response at all. She was already making her own plans.
"Of course, I'll go shopping tomorrow, I need an entirely new wardrobe. I've had this for an entire season, and I hate to have them think I'm out of fashion. Then once we're done at the dress shop we'll move on to accessories..." She continued speaking, but I had already stopped listening, internally wincing as I mentally added up the amount of money she was already planning on spending within her first day of arriving.
I couldn't let this happen.
"Mother," I interrupted her, ignoring her annoyed stare, "As far as shopping goes, we'll have to be careful. We still have debt to pay, and we can't afford..."
"Of course we can afford it!" She waved a hand, dismissing my concerns. "Your father is a lord! We run the duchy!"
I shook my head. "The money from the duchy is all going back into the land for now, to help it get back on its feet. Right now we are solely getting money from my business..."
"WHAT?" She jumped to her feet, her face pale. "Are you working for money, you stupid girl? Who do you think you are, a merchant's daughter?!" She laughed, an angry, bitter sound. "If anyone caught wind of this, if the palace heard of this... you'd be finished socially."
"We'd be finished anyways, given the amount of debt we had."
"None of that will matter when you are Queen!" Her voice was raising, her face turning red. "No one will dare collect from us then!"
"We can't count on that." My voice turned pleading. "Please be reasonable, we must live within our means..."
"WE COULD COUNT ON IT IF YOU WERE DOING YOUR JOB PROPERLY!" Leaning over my desk, her face was close to my own, I could see my face reflected in her furious gaze. "If you were prettier, smarter... better... He would love you and never look away. Don't you DARE ruin my life because you are too boring to keep your own fiancé from straying!"
Mother sat down, catching her breath as she finished her tirade. I watched her with a tired gaze, wishing I was anywhere else. That I was anyone else.
My hand trembled as it inched towards the drawer in my desk.
"Please, Mother. For once in your life consider your family before yourself. I'm only asking for a little restraint, nothing life-changing. Can't we just..." My voice broke. "Be a family? Work together?"
She laughed, her eyes mocking me as she answered with a smile. "You do not tell me what to do. You should never have had any involvement with the Duchy's finances or a business in the first place. We'll put a stop to it immediately. Your father will take over, as is proper, and you will focus all your attention on catching and keeping the prince's attention. As for me?" She chuckled. "I am going shopping tomorrow."
I felt a chill, as my heart froze within my chest. My gaze turned cold and my hand no longer trembled as I unlocked the drawer, slowly removing the folder from underneath the false bottom.
The file I had Rig prepare as his second assignment. The one I hoped would never have to be used.
Thud.
I tossed the papers on the desk in front of her. I was smiling, but the expression didn't meet my eyes, which grew colder as she reached for the papers, confused
"What is this?"
"See for yourself." Every word lacked emotion. I couldn't allow myself any chance to feel pity for her, to feel regret over what had to be done.
She opened the file, reading each page, the blood quickly draining from her face. Tossing the papers to the floor, she glared at me, spitting with rage.
"LIES!"
I sighed. "No, Mother. That's the truth." I pointed at the folder. "You are having an affair with the Earl of Beral. You have been visiting him at his private house regularly during the time you pretended you were staying with family. The affair has been going on for two years now, although he is by no means the first." I explained the contents of the papers with a dispassionate tone, as if describing the weather. "Every detail of your affairs is written down in that file. Every. Sordid. Detail. "
Her eyes widened. "No matter what some piece of paper says, that doesn't make it true."
"But it is true, Mother."
And it was.
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"Mother!" I slammed the door to the small room we were renting, furious. "Did you steal from the dress shop I work for?!"
She sat at the table, her usually well-styled hair disheveled. I noticed she was wearing a beautiful new gown, now stained with dirt. In one hand clutched a piece of paper, the other covered her eyes as she sobbed.
"That bastard!" She pounded the table with the fist holding the paper, crumpling it further. "THAT DIRTY, LYING BASTARD!"
I was confused, but still pushed forward, determined to hear the answer. "Mother... did you steal from the shop I work for? They fired me today, thinking that we were working together! That was the only source of income we had! What are we going to do?!"
She dropped the hand covering her eyes, glaring at me. "None of that matters, you stupid girl! I needed the money so I took it!" She sniffed disdainfully. "I'm the wife of their Duke, they owe it to me!"
I winced. We hadn't seen father in weeks. Severely depressed after we had lost our home, he had taken to gambling in gentleman's halls. I hid what money I could, but he somehow always found some to take with him, only to come back with nothing, smelling of alcohol and regret. I had heard rumors that he owed the wrong kind of people money now, and with him not returning day after day, I assumed the worst.
"We're not owed anything now, Mother." I sat down at the table as well, feeling defeated. "What's wrong?"
"I took the time to get dressed up, and go see him! He should be GRATEFUL! How dare he turn me away, as if he's somehow BETTER than me!" She was barely coherent in her rants, throwing the piece of paper on the table.
I looked at the letter, and felt pain at the words. "You were having an affair with the Earl of Beral?"
"Six years we've known each other! But now that he has a young whore for a wife he suddenly doesn't need me anymore!" She pounded the table again with her fist. "I thought he simply wasn't getting my letters, that's why he hasn't come to get me... but this..."
I wanted to cry, but held back my tears, trying to reach out to comfort her. "Mother..."
She slapped my hand away. "STAY away from me!" She spat, standing up and pointing at me. "This is all YOUR fault! All you had to do was marry the Queen's brat and we would have been happy!"
"Mo..."
"You killed your father, you know?" She grinned viciously "He died in a ditch, alone, without a single crown to his name and it's all YOUR fault!"
"..." I couldn't speak, it hurt too much to breathe.
"Well I'm not staying here a moment longer." Mother walked to the door, pausing and looking back at me. "I'm going to find the earl, and I'm going to remind him of who I am. And all the dirt I have on him." She laughed. "Goodbye."
The door slammed behind her, leaving me alone, staring at the door.
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"Even if you have this... paper." Mother pointed at the file on the floor. "It doesn't prove anything."
I shrugged. "I don't have to prove anything, Mother. All I have to do is release this information to the nobility."
Her mouth gaped open for a few stunned moments. "You wouldn't!"
"I would. You would be cast out from all proper society. A social pariah."
"But... You would ruin your own reputation at the same time!"
"It may be slightly detrimental, yes." I spread my hands helplessly. "But after father divorces you and we're separated legally, many will remember how little you and I see each other. They think of the Queen as raising me more than you already. In the end, I'll survive the scandal." I stood, keeping her gaze. "But you won't."
In the silence that followed I gathered the papers on the floor, stacking them neatly on the desk and sitting back down.
"You will be given a monthly allowance. Use the money how you will. Be here for birthdays and anniversaries, otherwise I don't care where you are or how you spend your life. I think both Father and I would be happier if you spent as little time as possible here."
I handed her some money, which she held limply in her hand. She stared up with me, her eyes filled with a hopeless rage.
"I will make you pay for this, you ungrateful brat! You'll regret crossing me!"
Tapping the folder in front of me, I smiled. "Try me."
"You're a monster!" She whispered the words, staring down at the papers that held her dark secrets.
"Naturally." I stood up leaning closer, whispering the last words in her ear. "One gave birth to me."
She left silently, and I sat back in my chair in silence.
It was done.
I should feel relieved, or angry or sad... but instead, I felt empty.
I had wished for a different ending in this life.
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I stood on the street, staring at the woman's body on the street. Rig put a hand on my arm, worried. "I didn't want you to see this, but Hale said she looked like you..."
"It's my mother." I whispered, taking in the all too familiar features, now still and silent. "How...?"
"Made to look like a robbery, but there's some whispers that an Earl might have paid someone to keep her quiet." He studied my face for a few moments. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No." I turned away, shaking my head slowly. "You can't help the dead."
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She was still alive in this life, and even if she never loved me... I still hoped she had a different end in this one.
I stared down at the folder on my desk, replacing it in its hidden compartment. It felt unnaturally heavy in my hands.
This was what I was now.
"A monster." I whispered, feeling the room start to fade around me. I was having trouble catching my breath. I reached out a hand for the bell to call Hallers, but it seemed to move further away.
"Miss?" I heard the door open, but the sound was wrong, as if I were underwater. "I saw her Ladyship exit, are you..."
"A monster." As I fell through the darkness I felt someone grab me.
"LENORA!"
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Unsure of how much time had passed, I started to fight my way to consciousness, but paused as I heard familiar voices.
"Thank you for checking on her. The doctor says she'll be fine, she just needs rest."
Hallers? Who is he talking to? I wanted to sit up but every muscle in my body felt weak as if I had run for miles without rest.
"She works too hard!" A woman spoke out, upset. Marile? "She needs to learn to take it easy, she's not even sixteen yet and everyone depends on her."
"She's tough." Another voice answered, the accent reminded me of Rig. "She'll take on the world and win."
"I know she's tough, but I worry!"
"I worry too."
The voice that sounded like Hallers sighed. "All we can do is support her. But if anyone hurts her..."
Rig's voice laughed. "Oh they won't live to regret it, will they?"
I wanted to speak out, ask them who they were talking about, but even as I prepared to open my eyes, a wave of exhaustion hit me, and I returned to the peace of unconsciousness.