Caution: this part contains
Major Child Abuse
**
**
FOUR| Never tip the crown
February 3, 2013
4:56pm
~
//Milan\\
"You sure he said this park?" Cake asked as we all watched the raved up cars, trying to find out if this was really the park he wanted me to meet him up.
To say that it looked like an illegal race was finna happen, I didn't wanna be here.
I look too good for jail if this shit get busted in. "Yeah, I didn't know he was talking about this Race shit-"
"Well call him,"
"With what phone?" I turned my face up at Cakes.
My shit was broken to pieces.
"She'an got his number." Fiona then said, it was major facts though, "You got his number." She asked now looking at me.
I smacked my lips, "No."
Sammy laughed, "Lets go-"
"No just give me five minutes, drop me at the courts." I needed to find him.
I was eager to learn how to drive. When I finally run away, I won't have to run. I could drive and I think I found the right place the other day.
Since we were on the east and I wanted to leave as far as possible, I was thinking Cali but then again I was thinking some where I could lay low like ion know Colorado.
Random, but if I ever were to runaway from anything, I'd wanna go somewhere no one would think I'd go. But Boston was the first thought, its just too close to New York for me.
I hopped out her car and closed the door, looking in her window I told her, "Five minutes."
She smacked her lips and nodded, "Hurry up. I'm timing you." She waved me off. I smiled before I ran away to the courts.
When I seen the courts I stopped running since mad niggas was here and Ian want them to see me as if i'm thirsty for them at the courts.
That's really lame as fuck.
"Yo," I heard as my way. Ian nowhere I was going, honestly I was confused as fuck, kinda getting mad. "Yo, can you give me my ball ma?!" I heard again. I turned around to see a boy I never seen before. I smiled before getting the ball that had made its way over to my leg.
I picked it up, just as I was turning around he was making his way in front of me. "Dang you half deaf or something." He smiled.
I shrugged, "Maybe."
He bounced his ball before saying, "You prolly don't know me but I'm Ezekiel. I sit behind you in fourth period."
"You sit behind me in Fourth?" I asked completely shocked, "You must be shorter than me then," we laughed.
"Nah I gotta few inches on you," we started walking to the left court where noone was really playing, "Why you up here?" He shot the ball up, hitting the back board.
I shook my head, "I'm looking for Rush have you seen him."
He threw the ball hitting the back board before he caught it looking at me, "Why you looking for Rush?"
I smacked my lips, "Don't be all up in my business, I just met you Ezekiel."
"Call me Zeek please and I only say that to you because Rush may seem like a decent guy, but he ain't somebody you wanted mess around with,"
"And how do you know this?"
"I've known him since PreK-"
"So you spittin' bad on your homeboy?" That shows loyalty.
"I'm just saying, Devon ain't the right kind you want in a guy. He's very," he dragged trying to find the right words, "He's very appreciated."
I rolled my eyes not believing a word he was saying. Maybe not believing, but most definitely not caring about what he was spittin'. Ion know if he just like doing that, ratting out yo homeboy to a girl he likes, even though it's very much noted.
I'm thirteen, Ion care about what appreciation treatment he gets from people off the streets, I like his personality, not his stats. "You know so much about him, do you know where he is."
"Don't make it seem like that-"
"Seem like what, I'm just askin a question." I rose my eyebrow.
He smacked his lips and flexed his jaw. I think I was irritating well you treat people how you wanna be treated and at this moment I was gaining a slight migraine.
"Try the bleachers, I seen him with a couple of his homies over there." I nodded, "Thank you."
He nodded as I began walking away, "Milan!" He yelled out for me, I turned back to look at him, he smiled saying, "I like that sweater on you!"
I smiled awkwardly before I began walking to the bleachers.
I thought my sweater was very plain.
But then again it was grey.
Grey tends to look good on me.
When I reached the point where the Bleachers were not even a minute away from the courts. I seen smoke clouds and then smelt the scent of weed. I never smoked before. I was always scared when Rome would push the blunt close to me, because of my lung and my anxiety still gets bad even with the medication I take for it.
Ion know, weed just isn't going to be my thing.
"Hey Rush," I walked up the bleachers where I seen Fo, Rylen, and some other cat. For what I could tell he was ugly but then again all boys except some, are ugly at this age.
The glow-ups happen in high school.
Sadly.
"Yo wussup shorty. My bad,"
"No its cool."
"No its not, look fellas see y'all later." He put the blunt that was in between his lips and gave it to Fo. Fo smacked his lips, "Where you going?"
"Somewhere,"
"But we smoking." The new kat said. He shrugged as he started dapping them up, "We'a catch up tomorrow then."
"Ight nigga stay safe, see you Snap."
"Bye guys."
As we walked he brought me into his arm. I smiled, smelling the smell of his Axe cologne. It smelt really good on him. "Why you being shy?"
"I'm not shy,"
"You nervous?" He asked pushing me up against a nearby tree.
The breath in my lungs got clapped, "My-my, uhm. Cakes is in the front," I told him pointing.
He shrugged leaning up off of me grabbing my hand, "So. She the one who dropped you."
"Yeah she said she wanted to talk to you before we left,"
"Ian coo. So what is she to you?"
"Who?"
"Cakes-"
"Oh, mainly just a friend."
"Oh, cause I just thought she was ya dukes for a second."
"My mom?!" I looked at him like he was crazy, "Cakes is only 22. She's way young to be my mother."
"Yeah but she act like it."
"Well she acts like it to everyone," I shrugged dismissing the topic of Cakes being my mom.
My mom name is Marilyn Jocelyn Laguera, no disrespect towards Cakes cause she's here its just that, she's not my mom.
We got to the front of the car and she already has her window down with a irritated scowl, "Walk slower why don't ya." Sammy groaned.
I flicked her off, "Shut up."
"Puta."
"Yo cut it out." Cakes told her, Sammy did as told.
"She can get it Ian trippin son," we heard in the distance. Ian even gone pay attention to that.
"So where y'all going?" Cakes asked.
"We going to the movies." I looked up at Devon. I thought we were taking me driving.
Cakes looked at me, "You need money?"
"Nah I got her Cakes don't trip."
"How she getting home?"
"Dang Cakes I got her." He told her leaning into her car, "Let her out the nest for the night-"
"Get yo ass out my window." She rolled it up, I started to laugh along with Sammy and Fiona.
"This bitch dumb yo," Sammy said laughing.
Devon slapped the hood of the car, "Ight see you later Cakes."
"Ight, text Sammy when you get home." She told me.
I grilled her, "With what phone?"
"Oh yeah." She hit the steering wheel, I rolled my eyes. "See you honey buns." And with that she had left, just like a bat straight out of hell. She was prolly worrying about her gas. She hated going to the gas station.
"Well let's go." He said as we started to walk.
I looked over at him with a confused expression, "We really finna go to the movies?"
He looked down at me and scoffed, "Hell nawl girl." I laughed, "I told you I was taking you to drive and I am." He grabbed my hand as we began to walk the dark streets.
I was happy that he was because with the so many lights it was kinda hard for me in the dark, Ian like to walk in it. One thing I loved about New York was that it stayed shining in Manhattan.
If I was to come back to New York, it'd only be in Manhattan, come down to Bronx for a couple hours only to check on Jen and if the Rods still living out here them to. I'd visit Quen who I haven't in a long while and i'd eat out at my favorite Pizza joint called Ricky's, one slice for fifty scent.
I think it went up to a dollar though which sucks cause I'm really trying to be good at saving but, once I go to best buy, i'm airing out on Movies, well the ones I can get.
I can barely watch TV, but only when Joe isn't at home cause when he is home, if I want to watch TV it had to be with him, and sometimes I'm forced to watch TV with him.
He likes Two and a Half men at 8 when he comes home.
"What're you thinking about?"
How traumatic i'm beginning to be, "Nothing." I told him.
He began to swing our hands, he's so corny. "You got any birthday wishes yet."
"Ion really like doing those."
"Why not?" He jerked his head back, "That's child hood shit, you still Thirteen, you still a child." He nudged me.
I smirked, "No i'm not," He smacked his lips, "Besides its not like I feel like I've grown out of it, its because what I really, really want, I cant get it."
"Well what do you want?"
"I want to see my momma." I told him truthfully, "Shes been in jail since I was eight and I only seen her once. I barely talk to her now so--"
"I know just how you feel, yo I do. My uncle got Life in prison. Ian ever gone see him."
"How many he did already."
"He been locked since the day I was born." He shrugged, "It ain't like i'm his child, my momma speak but he'on want her to see him, so it ain't like I can." He rubbed his head, "We just gotta push, people come and go."
"I hate that," I confessed, "Someone always has to leave every year."
"A soul for a soul." He stopped walking, "That's just how life is."
I looked to where he was and smiled, "We're really doing this?"
"Yes ma'am and I know just who car it belongs too," he said as his jaw clenched along with his fist.
He grabbed his sweats and went into them. At first I was disgusted thinking he just went into his pants to touch himself but was completely surprised when I seen him grab a flat head screw driver, "Come on."
We crept up across the street as I watched up the stoop and into the window seeing a man in the home with a champagne glass in his hands. He kinda looked like a grown Devon.
"Come on," He said again. The car was kinda like the one Joe has a 2006 Kia Optima. It was a bronze color, Joe's was a washed up burgundy color. He pulled me to the driver seat door and opened it easily with the screw driver.
Since it was flat head it fit into the slit.
I was low-key amazed.
"Get in." Without hesitation I hopped in getting in the passenger. I watched him stick the screw driver into where you'd put the keys and the car started up, "HEY MY CAR WHAT THE FUCK!!" We heard. I turned and looked feeling my heart pumping. The man dropped the champagne glass and ran.
Just as the door opened, Devon put the car in drive and pulled off. I watched in amazement as the man dropped down to his knees his head in his hands. He looked like he was about to cry.
"Pussy," I shook my head laughing. When I looked at Devon my heart rushed.
He had one hand on the steering wheel with this nonchalant expression. His hat tilted on his head slightly and he wore a white tank, khaki pants, with his buttas on. He had two chains on his chest that fit him perfectly.
God.
He looked at me and smiled, I looked at the road. I looked at him one last time and he caught me saying, "I know I look hand crafted huh, "He smirked with cockiness, rubbing the imaginary hair on his chin that he wanted oh so badly.
Aries ass nigga. "Oh eat a dick."
~
//30 Minutes later\\
~
"Yo ion know, what if I crash, I'm scared as fuck." I thought I had this, I really don't. We were in a shopping mall parking lot. It wasn't really even at a shopping mall it was more like a old DD's factory place that nobody went to anymore.
"You cant crash ain't shit in here." He laughed a little, "Just do as I showed you, move all your thoughts to the side." He told me.
I mugged, "I cant push them to the side, how i'ma think."
"You need to STOP thinking." He rubbed his face. My palms were sweating. "Whats your biggest fear?"
Joe. "Ion have one."
"Nah stop lying whats your biggest fear."
"I'm serious. I'll do anything, I don't care." I would do anything, I'ma daredevil. But one thing I would never do was cross Joe- no I would kill Joe. I should kill Joe.
Nah I cant kill no body.
"You heard me-"
"Huh?" He sighed turning the screw driver cutting the car on. We were in park so we weren't moving at all. "Put the car in drive." He told me.
I pulled my chair up close to the peddles so I could push the car, and my right hand made the car get put in drive. "Now take yo foot off of the stopper, and put it on the accelerator-"
"The what?"
"The go." He chuckled, "Put it on the go. Not too heavy, never really light." He shook his head. He was being so calm with me, he been calm all night. I wonder if it's just his high, "Take it off." He said again.
You wont mess up, "please don't mess up." I tucked my bottom lip as I took my foot off the brakes and onto the go immediately putting it back on the brake causing us to buck forward.
I pushed the car way too heavy and it scared the shit out of me.
He laughed, "Yo calm yo nerves. No what here." He pulled out a brownie that was covered by a small zip-lock bag from his pocket.
I looked at it hesitantly as he pushed it towards my face, "I'm not taking that shit Devon."
"You need to calm yo nerves."
"And a Brownie is going to help me?" I scoffed at him, "You must take me of some joke." I mugged him.
"Well you scared to drive-"
"Nigga what the fuck I need to learn how to drive for? I'm from NEW YORK! All I know is my legs and the subway-"
"You'on plan on leaving? You ever left New York?"
I put the car in park, "No."
"Well lemme tell you something, you ain't gone know the streets when you do leave, and I suggest that you learn to drive so if you ever do decide you could stoke a car and go." He shrugged, "Get lost on a train if you want to, Milan."
I mugged his choosing of words and how he said my first name. I laughed before putting the car out of park and into Drive, "teach my how to drive then nigga."
~
//Time\\
~
It was like my whole life sat behind the wheel as I pushed the car with no one inside. Turning reminding myself of the controls, the signalers. I tried learning how to park which I did good after a few times. And out of them all he was there and calm with me.
I liked that he was calm.
It made me feel like even though he was trying to teach me something, I still had control.
Something I never get to have.
I parked one last time on the side of Devon like he was my pick up girl and rolled down my window, "Where you headed to honey?" I turned my music down with a smile as I looked at him over my shoulder.
He laughed at my retarded-ness and opened the door, "How about a McDonald's i'm hungry."
"Coming right up sir." I took the car out of park and began to roll out of the parking lot.
The streets were beginning to darken but I could still manage to see with the lights shining in. I liked to drive. It was peace relieving, kinda what I have when its me and my board.
My board, fuck I left my board. "Fuck I left my board." I said as I pulled into the McDonald's. I was going to park but I couldn't so I just put on my Hazard lights.
He looked over at me, "What you want?"
"Just get me a happy meal." I smiled as he got out. Just then I got honked at, bitch. I honked back at her, don't fucking hunk at me bitch.
I moved the car and parked next to a garbage thing. What do they even call these big ass trash things. Trash can this bigger then a fucking trash can, "What do they call you!" I yelled outraged.
It blew me that I called it a trash can and that I didn't have a phone so I could google what it was.
Google was always right.
I wonder whose behind google.
Why they named it google-
"You ain't tell me what drink so I just got you a apple juice." He entered the car with our food. I leaned my chair back some, "Thanks."
He smiled, "You're welcome." We began eating, he got me 10 piece chicken nuggets and a small fry with apple slices and a chef hello kitty toy.
When he was done he turned to look at me, "So you really afraid of nothing?" He asked me. I couldn't tell him anything, people are very judgey and ion know if I can trust him, as of now. We were still too early in the together now phase. Whats gone happen if and when we break up?
Because I don't plan on thinking this-us is going to be a forever thing.
Everything including relationships tend to be temporary most of the time. I rather just have fun in the time and not think about the future now.
Things just happen like, no expectations there will be no more disappointments.
I'm thirteen, I have to grow up now and wake up. Its not roses and rainbows anymore. It never was-
"Milan you okay?" I heard him ask.
I looked at him as I stopped eating. Nodding I swallowed the rest of the nugget and pulled the chair back up, I was done eating even though I still had two apples slices, three bites of the burger left and the fries at the bottom of the bag left to finish off. I'a just eat them later, "Yeah I'm okay."
I watched him pull out his phone-his iphone5.
I've only seen a few people with them but people been hitting more licks it seems. The more I sit here phone-less the only one I have being the one for the trap, it seems like everyone is just getting them.
I never used one, but I want one.
And I'm going to get me one.
"Hey what time is it." I yawned, it looked too dark when I looked up at the sky. It didn't scream seven ish, it screamed more of a, "8:34pm-"
"WHAT!?" I jumped. My bag fell over and I got it up and pasted it to him fixing the chair I was sitting in, I had to hurry before it hits nine.
I missed the six mark which means my warning is gone, I missed at the seven mark, he's home up waiting for me. Now if i'm not mistaken, Joe is a crack head and it's the first week of this month meaning he has brand new packaging of snow white, and when he's high- his munchies take control of him.
His whole high, takes control of him.
I was been suppose to be home to trap myself in my room for the night.
But i'm late.
"Yo why you crying?" I heard Devon ask. I wiped my tears as I turned on my blinkers making a right to the freeway. I knew I was a baby driver and this could- this IS dangerous, but what is more dangerous is the aftermath of when I go home.
I don't wanna go home.
"You'on have to go home then- why you driving so fast Milan start pushing heavy calm down,"
The time just kept on going, it wouldn't hold up a second it seemed, then traffic came slowing me down.
It was my birthday and now my worst nightmare. I had to piss, sooooooo bad.
My palms were sweater, I felt hot queasy, my breathing was starting to get uneven. I had to calm down but I couldn't.
Breathe
1.
Breathe
2.
Something in me said speak the words into existence but if I did open my mouth the throw up I was feeling approach was going to happen. My anxiety was nothing to pry about and I had to calm down. I had to get off the freeway and the faster I did, was the safest way for me to get home.
And as I did that I tried my best not to hit anyone's car.
"Yo can you talk to me?" He asked me. I shook my head, my eyes needed to stay on the road unless he wants to die. "Whats wrong with you?"
I have no idea but- god i'm going to fucking die. I wiped my tears as I turned on my street, parking harshly in the street, just as the time hit 8:55, I had to hurry up.
I opened the door spitting up before I was about to step out, "Wait-" He held my arm, "Is it something going on in yo house?" He asked looking at me with true concern.
If he knew, he wouldn't let me go.
I had to make him let me go, time slips way to fast and its gone take me a while to get up there from the stairs.
"Devon lemme go please, please let me go." I told him looking up at my living room window hoping he didn't hear the sound of the car stop and was looking. He needs to let me go. NOW!
"Tell me-"
"I don't have to tell you anything, let me the fuck go now!" Something in me came and I snatched my arm away from him slamming the door before I ran to the door of the Apartment building.
In that very moment I felt stupid for going through the front door but it was way too late to go through the escape.
He already knew I wasn't home anyways.
My stomach felt like it had sunk in and I threw up over in our neighbor Mrs. Fyhnazz flowers. I wiped my face before I approached my door.
I twisted open the door and just like the last time I was late, a beer bottle was thrown at my head. I ran dodging it, slamming the door from the flinch and force of my hand to the door.
As I was running to the hallway, he grabbed my by head like he straight said ya gah, snapping my hole neck back. I fell backwards burning the bottom of my foot from the carpet, my head hit the floor with a BOOMPT and the straight headache feeling afterwards.
That was only step one to this punishment though, step two: Yelling and disrespecting.
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU?! BEING A HOE! HUH YOU LITTLE SLUT! YOU SELLING YO PUSSY NOW!" He yelled as he hovered over me.
He was like a rottweiler and I was the small tea cup that always curled into a ball when being undermined by the big dog. Except Joe wasn't a dog.
More like a bitch. But I was "his" and I hated that, "NO J-JOE I SWEAR!!-AH!" I felt when he kicked me in my stomach, "LIAR I FUCKING SEEN YOU YOU LITTLE THOT ASS BITCH!" He dragged my up off the floor. I fought with him to get his hands off of me.
He back handed me which so much force, he cut my lip with my mothers wedding band.
I tasted the blood on my lip and looked at him with so much anger. I grabbed my mommas clear vase and threw it at him, breaking it on his head before I ran up on him hitting him as much as I could hurting my hands, "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!" I hit him up, wishing I owned a pair of brass knuckles.
He pushed me back and drop kicked me making me fly back and fall on my ankle. I groaned but started to push my self off the floor when I seen Joe walking over at me with a mad expression on his face, "Come here you little cunt," I heard him say.
He walked from my feet to my hair, gripping a handful of my hair as he dragged me somewhere. Where I have no idea as I clawed, screamed, and cried from the feeling.
When he finally dropped me I hopped up hurting my ankle in the process to hit him, only to be popped back. I flopped on his bed holding my mouth I was forsure was bleeding.
I felt the bed dip and I began fighting knowing what he was planning to do to me, "You want to be a slut..." he struggled pinning up my hands.
"No, no-joe s-stop, no!" I yelled kicking under him.
He slapped me, "Shut the fuck up." He got up and as I was about to run up he swiped his belt and slashed my thigh.
I fell from the sizzling feeling as he did again. I ran in the corner, fighting his hands as tears ran down my faces. He grabbed my wrists using all the force in his body to make me fall back on his bed, on my stomach.
"S'il vous plaît Joe,Je suis désolé je suis désolé. Je ne serai plus en retard-" I cried. He pushed my head into the pillow, (1: I'm sorry I'm sorry I will not be late anymore)
"shut the fuck up," He ripped my shirt, I paid my money to get and broke the bra I had on as well-
I tried to lift up but he pushed me back down, He tried to make my head stuff into the pillow but I was fighting that as well. Someone in the building had to hear me, "STOP!! PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME-HELP ME PLEASE!" I screamed, but nobody seemed to care as he tore my pants off mid way, I felt them at the-at the bottom of my ass.
"Nobody gone help you," I felt his-his skin on me, opening me. I didn't want to move and make him think that I would want it, but I didn't want to sit here and let him think I was just taking it.
I couldn't do anything-I never did anythi-
"STOP FUCKING CRYING!!" It hurt more than any other time he'd ever done this to me. It was rough, fast, no care. It burned feeling the rush, and I could feel him more than anything.
I wanted my mom-but she wasn't going to come.
I wanted my dad-but I don't have one.
It was only me, Joe, and the dark night.
His dark room, with only the hallway seeping out as I cried from the hard and viciousness I was receiving from the man that has prayed on me since the day he met me, and my mom never wanted to listen.
All I have is my self now.
My tears had ran dry, my head was sweating into his pillow as my mouth cracked from the dryness of them, I couldn't cry anymore, it wasn't going to fix anything.
I wasn't going to scream anymore, no one was coming.
No one except him.
I felt it, feeling like a water ballon being filled with water for the first time, and I felt disgusted with my self. Like a cum dumpster I heard Rome call Keisha one time before. I felt tired, hurt, sick.
I felt empty, angry, sad.
And no one would ever know because no one cares.
"C-c-Can I, ca-can I le-leave now? Please Joe?" I sat on the edge of his bed as he lit a cigarette, "Mh-" with a head nod he gave me was the only thing I need from him.
I pulled up my pants and panties. I hid my still growing A cups with my ripped shirt and crossed the hall to my room. I closed the door before throwing my shirt to the ground and falling on the cold floor my self.
I just laid there.
I just. Laid there.
It was probably the depressing thing I ever did in my life. And I didn't care. I got up after I don't know how long, got out something to wear for bed, including a pair of socks were I went to the bathroom. I ran my bathwater but I didn't feel like waiting so I hopped in and sat down.
Happy Thirteen, yeah?
__________
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