2 year later, june
"and with that, i want to give all my love and affection the happily married couple!" gemma says raising her champagne flute to me and matty.
we are in a rehearsal dinner for the wedding right now, final checks and so forth. everybody's here and it's such a lovely atmosphere. rose who is now a beautifully intelligent five year old, gemma and harrison, george, adam, ross and caroline all sat together in harmony.
everybody went their own ways in the past couple years. i started a business with gemma and harrison who finally stopped travelling, we now sell used books online and in a small bookstore in camden. my business degree from uni came in handy with this and i finally left my office job, i loved it there but this was a passion and i couldn't be happier that i was pursuing something i loved
george and caroline moved out of the old flat and bought a new one down in bethnal green, the day they sold the flat well ... that was a strange day, it was the last time we saw adam bar today. we had a massive house party to say goodbye, that flat played a big part in all of our lives and we had to give it the send off it deserved. but you can tell they are completely in love. she works in the music industry so george still helps to produce albums with the artists she works with. he loves her completely and i think he's truly at peace with life. of course there are still nights he calls me crying and nights where we sneak out onto the roof of my house and talk until we can't anymore. but i think we are slowly fixing.
carly and adam moved to the country side and bought a little cottage, we see him the least due to the miles but we make sure to call and text a lot. it's weird not having them there even though we all kinda grew apart.
and finally ross and john started up a non profit business to help teach kids to play instruments, the passion they both have for helping people is really quite something. rose goes sometimes, she's already learning the guitar but she loves the saxophone so even though she can't really hold one, she's trying.
as for matty, he's a stay at home dad now, i tried to convince him to go back into music but he really had no desire to. at least not right this moment, he just loves to be around rose, he's teaching her guitar at the moment, between her dance lessons and swimming club. what can we say, we have an active child who loves to just live.
he's writing a lot though, mostly songs or poetry and i'm glad he is. i think it's how he deals with things that he isn't ready to talk about just yet.
he got his three years sober badge the other week and i couldn't have been prouder, me and rose threw a party for him. she didn't fully understand why, one day i'll tell her.
"i think the rest of us are saving our speeches until the wedding?" my dad says, everyone murmurs in agreement. mattys hand find mine beneath the table and gives it a reassuring squeeze.
tonight is the hen and stag night, i'm just having a simple night, wine and talks with gemma and caroline while matty opted for going out with the boys. i'm not worried, if you had asked me when we were younger if i wanted him to go clubbing i wouldn't have said no, but i would have stayed awake all night worrying if he'd taken drugs or hurt himself. now i don't have to.
i know he'll stumble into george's flat drunk and have the worst hangover of his life tomorrow, but i know he will call me before he falls asleep, i know he will be okay.
i look around the table, in three days we will al be here again and obviously extended family too, but i will be married ... i don't know. i guess it's all hitting me now and i can feel the tears spring to my eyes, i wipe them away quickly but not before matty sees, he smiles and me and leans into my ear
"it's al real now isn't it?"
i nod afraid to speak incase i cry more, it's just been such a crazy few years.
being engaged is one thing, but being married is just ... what i want for me and him more than anything.
we'd been putting it off for two years because we both wanted to pursue our own things, me with gemma and the business and matty with looking after rose. we had our own lives but now we were back on track.
i'm glad we waited though, this was everything we wanted down to the exact flower, and this meant rose was old enough to fully participate and remember it, that was important too.
we weren't always going to wait, at the start we were ready to marry straight away, but life happens and that's okay.
"thanks for being here guys" i finally muster, everyone turns to face me
"and i can't wait to do it for real in three days!" , everybody laughs, but i mean it.
me and matty excuse our selves a little while after we have said our goodbyes and explained we need to get rose home before matty heads out. we exchange hugs and kisses and laugh about how we will see each other soon.
"see you tonight babe!" gemma squeals purling me and caroline into a hug, i wave and head off into the car with matty and rose.
"mummy it's raining!" rose yells as soon as we reach the door to leave the venue
"oh god okay rose here you go" matty says taking his black jacket off and draping it around her
"it's too big" she laughs
"it's fashion" he replies
"you two stay here and i'll bring the car around" matty told us as he rushed out into the rain, it was bouncing off cars. summer rain. my favourite kind.
i looked at rose and she grins at me, i struck my hand out and hers meets mine as i push the glass door open. it all seems to happen in slow motion, the rain was pelting, the ground soaked and beginning to flood, our legs move faster and faster, i hear her laughing and i can't help but double over in laughter myself as we continued to run, my hair is plastered to my head at this point and rose had water dripping from her eyelashes. our hands were still clamped together but they were drenched with hot rain, it felt good to run like this, i felt young and free.
once we reached the car matty was shaking his head, i was out of breath but it felt good.
"you're IDIOTS" he chuckled while starting up the car, rose flopped into her booster seat still laughing
"that was amazing!" she gushed
i wiped the water from my dripping brow and grinned
"it was"
once we reached the house i ushered rose in quickly so she could shower and get out of the wet clothes.
the whole time she giggles, even as i'm taking her soaked clothes off and instantly throwing them into the washing machine, she's cold to the touch but happy enough so i don't worry too much.
i walk into mine and mattys room to see him stood in front of the white mirror that hung from our wall, he was fiddling with his chino pants, i came behind him and placed my head on his shoulder, he smiled in the mirror and turned to face me, his hands either side of my face
"have fun with the girls"
i placed my forehead on his
"have fun with the boys"
he let out a slight chuckle
"are you sure you're okay for me to go?" he bit his lip and i realised maybe he was worried about going out
"you're going to be fine matty"
"what if i see people doing drugs i-" he tailored off towards the end and i saw the fear in his eyes, maybe i hadn't thought about this properly. i trusted him not to do drugs but i couldn't stop him seeing people doing drugs and it being triggering for him, i racked my mind and agreed
"it could be triggering" i told him
"but i know you're strong enough to fight of the urges, youve been sober for a good three years matty, that doesn't just leave the minute you see them" i continued
"do you think?" he asked
"you're the strongest person i know, and the boys will understand if you need to leave"
he smiled at me before kissing my lips, once he pulled away i laughed at the chapstick all around his mouth
"so will there be strippers?" i joked pulling a pouty face
"you said you didn't want to know details" he laughed while hitting my nose lightly
"oh mathew" i said placing my hands on his shoulders, his grin grew
"i do not"
the doorbell rang as i pulled away, it was either gemma and caroline or the boys for matty, i smiled at him
"i'll go see who it is, check if rose is out of the shower please" , he nodded, god i loved him.
i raced down the stairs and grabbed the keys from the table beside the door, unlocking it i was greeted by george, he was dressed in a white button up shirt and tight black pants with gucci loafers. you can take the boy out of the band but you can't take the band out of the boy
"he ready?" he asks
"nearly" i say resting my head against the door
"you okay?"
i bite my lip and realise mattys still upstairs, i know he won't tell the boys so i will do it myself. i want him to be safe
"he's worried that he'll see drugs and it will trigger something george" i confess
he nods taking it in
"we thought about that, we've chosen a club where i'm so sure there will be no drugs but i mean ... i mean you never know. i promise though, the first sign of trouble and we are out of there"
"keep him safe george" i say as i hear mattys chelsea boots come down the wooden stairway, i turn to face him. his hair is untamed and wild, his smile is the same.
"talking about me?"
"always" george laughs
"is rose out?"
"she's bundled up in a dressing gown on our bed" he says as he snakes his arm around my waist and pulls me in, our lips collide and it feels like a safety net for when everything gets too hectic
"i love you" he whispers
"i love you" i say blinking, his eyes are wide and i can tell he's excited and nervous
"have fun yeah?" i tell him
"we will" george says as i scowl
i watch them leave and climb into the taxi at the end of our front garden, matty waves as he speeds off into the night. i know he's gonna be safe with the boys, i just can't help worrying now he spoke to me about the drugs.
i'm glad i told george though, i know matty would have said something if it came down to it but he wouldn't have voluntarily. he's ashamed of his drug past and god ... i wish he wasn't. he had to be so strong to get through it all and i wish he would be at peace with it.
"mummy?" rose calls from upstairs, she pulls me out of my haze
"coming baby" i shout back
2 hours later
"no no no noooooo" i tell gemma, we are wine drunk and sat outside. rose is sound asleep, i read a book to her before hand, she fell straight asleep bless her.
"cmon you wiwwww be mar m m married soon anSWER!" caroline laughs
"what arrrr my options again" i slur
"uh shit um harry styles, liam payne and zayn" gemma laughs
"harry!" i reply
"boring" caroline says
"what about you gggguys?"
"no we are done withhhh this gameee" gemma says and i'm glad.
it was nice though, we played fuck marry kill, like we were still in secondary school, it was weirdly nostalgic and i loved it.
"so caroline, howsss work?" gemma slurred
"good it's really really really really gooood, george lovves being back in the s s studio"
"i can iiimagine ... it's like matty doesn't misssss it" i tell them
"do you think?" gemma asks. i shrug my shoulder and some of the drunkness falls away
"i dunno, it was his whole lllllife, and now it's not"
"yeah i think ggggeorge was like that at the start, but now they have their oooown lives you know" caroline mumbles
we let the silence sit for a minute, i think about all the music they created and the tours they went on. they started a third album but just never finished it, non of them seem bothered but sometimes i see a look in mattys eye and it looks like he misses it. i know he'll never tell me, and i know he's happy with his life but i can't help thinking he wants something more.
"what's your guyssss favourites of their songs?" gemma says
""please be naked" i answer without hesitation. when i first heard it with gemma once we had broken up it hurt me. it literally killed me to hear london in the background and the title of the song felt like a constant stitch. but now, now the beauty of the song is just something i could never comprehend
"you, i mean it's about me so i may as well me embrace it!" gemma laughs
"i'm not like you guys so i don't have a song for only me and me and me but i like paris a lot"
me and gemma exchange glances before bursting out in laughter, that's one of the songs he wrote about gemma and the irony is too much to handle.
"ohhhh" she says as it finally clicks in her head, we all end up hugging one another and laughing uncontrollably
"do you know something though" gemma says as we all turn to look at her
"i like that bloody song n all"
1 hour later
an hour later we were all cuddled on the sofa with a coffee, i'm sat in the middle with gemma in my left resting against the arm of the sofa and caroline in the other side, we are a lot more sober now, the world was still spinning but we could now string a sentence together
"can i ask something?" caroline says as i drape a soft blanket round us all.
"you may" i joke
"isn't this weird for you gemma?"
gemma bites her lip, as close as we've all come together gemma and caroline don't really do deep talks the same as me and gemma's.
"no! at first when i found out they were together i was angry, and hurt but that was a longggggg time ago"
i hold gemma's hand because i know even though time has passed he still hurt her a lot
"and sometimes when i look at matty i don't even recognise him. he doesn't even look the same anymore. he isn't my matty and i don't think he ever was, that boy ... he needs someone like you grace because he doesn't want anybody else. you hold him down and let him go at the same time and ... and i could never do that"
"gemma" i say as a single tear falls
"so no it's not weird, i loved him but that was a lot of years ago and i let him go, i just want what's bets for grace and i know matty is what's best for her"
we all put our coffees onto the table and hold hands, this is where i want to be right now.
"he's good for you grace and you're good for him, you two have something that won't ever go away. me and him were always so ... on and off and you guys have never had that"
caroline squints and bites her lip, i think she wants to ask something
"caroline?"
"i'm ... did you hate grace at first?" she asks, i hold my breath
"i did" gemma confesses
"matty was my whole world, he's good at doing that, making everything else seem so insignificant. so being so young and having my world end, it was a lot. of course it wasn't because of grace it was gabby who broke us but then again ... you can't break what's already broken. i wasn't that mad at gabby because i knew he didn't love her. no i hated grace because you could tell .... matty loved her"
"i love you gem" i tell her
"anyways let's change the subject, are you excited to be married?" gemma asks
"i am! it's just like, i want to spend my whole life with him and i know you don't need marriage for that but it's just the final step you know? i know it's already forever but this just means it's forever forever and i want that more than anything"
i realise i'm still a bit drunk but it's okay, these are my best friends and i wouldn't want anybody else around me.
"you two are forever" gemma nods
i watch over caroline who's falling asleep against the sofa, me and gemma share a smile
"god i hope so" i whisper. but i know we are, we didn't fight this hard for all this time for nothing, when i look at him i know it's forever, there's nothing in the world i could ever want more than him.
gemma is now asleep too, her mouth parted a little. her soft hair clinging to her cheek bones. i sigh and rub my eyes, mascara smearing everywhere. i realise it's 4 am and we've been drinking and talking for far too many hours. i check my phone,
one new text from george
george: we r home, everything was okay and matty is okay
my heart settles and i can breathe again. i knew he would be, he's so strong, but i can't help my head from wondering and worrying.
four new texts from matty
matty: j leovr you
matty; i loreeeeee you
matty: i canttttt want to masry you
matty: i love you
i smile at the bright screen infront of me, i place my phone back down and close my eyes for half a second before my phone screen flashes again
incoming call from matty
i smile and slowly ease myself off the sofa so i can take the call in the kitchen, i don't want to wake the girls
"hey" i whisper
"helloooo" matty sings
i hear some background noise
"are you still out?" i ask
"noo nooo no we are back at george's but he may of accidentally started a party"
i cant help but laugh, caroline is going to KILL him
"oi don't laugh"
"oh matty i love you" i confess, i hate being away from him even for a night
"i missed you tonight" he says
"i missed you"i tell him and i mean it, i'm not use to being away from him
i hear another clattering noise and some glass shattering
"shit uhhhhhh, i should gohelpbut i love you gwaceyy"
"i love you matty, see you soon" i giggle
"uh grace?" he says before i end the call
"yes matty?"
"i cant wait to marry you tomorrow"