TJ's POV
"Babe, you almost ready?" Harry called down the hall as I rummaged around my room, wondering what else I might need, before he poked his head in the door and smiled knowingly at me.
"Um, yeah. I think so." I said, the strange feeling in my stomach making my mind feel a little unorganized.
Harry chuckled to himself as he walked into the room, taking my hands in his and bringing them up to his chest as he looked down at me, just staring at me like he knew exactly why I was taking so long.
"Teej, this is supposed to be fun." He smiled, reaching up to tuck my hair behind my ear.
"I know, and it will be, I just..." I sighed. "It's never been a fun experience for me. Everything to do with shoes and dresses and events just makes me nervous, I've never done any of this without my mother making me feel like shit."
"I know, but this is different." He said softly. "You're gonna be with Brielle and Chels, you guys are just gonna hang out and find something for you to wear. No pressure. Your mom has nothing to do with this, I just want you to enjoy yourself."
"I...don't know how." I chuckled, well aware of how ridiculous that sounded. "This is all new for me, and I know I'm being a spaz, but I just want to look good for you and not embarrass you. I have literally never gone to an event that didn't end up with me being a disappointment somehow."
"Well first of all, you could never embarrass or disappoint me so don't ever say that garbage again." He scoffed. "Secondly, I don't care what you wear, I just want you there with me. Besides, I'd still think you're the most beautiful woman in the room, even if you wore a potato sack."
"Stop saying things like that." I whined, throwing my head into his chest. "It makes me feel so awkward."
"I only speak the truth." He chuckled as he pulled me away and made me look at him. "My point is that I want you to feel beautiful, babe. I want you to wear something that makes you feel special and sexy and makes you feel good about yourself. I know your mom always gave you shit about that stuff, but this is your chance to do it differently."
I took a deep breath as I looked up at him, doing my best to push down all of the insecurities and inadequacies I felt. I knew how silly it was that I had actual anxiety over picking a dress, but that kind of thing had never been a positive experience for me. My mother had always made sure I had the best and most in demand dresses, often custom made, but that never stopped her from taking an extra jab at me whenever she had the chance. It was never the dress, or the outfit she had a problem with, it was always me.
I always ruined the perfect dress she'd chosen by doing my hair wrong, or not accessorising properly, and if I'd managed to somehow do that correctly she'd make some comment about how I didn't wear the dress well because my body wasn't the right shape. I knew that I'd been making a lot of really good strides toward moving past those things, being aware of it all and trying to look forward, but something as simple as finding a dress for Harry's awards show had brought it all back like it was yesterday.
"I know, I want it to be fun. I wanna get dressed up and feel pretty...it's just that I spent so much time worrying about what she would want, what would minimize her judgements, just trying to do it all the way she wanted me to...that I never even thought about what I liked or wanted. Now that I can choose whatever I want...I just don't know what that is." I sighed.
"The only way you're gonna figure it out is to get your cute little butt in that car and let me take you over there." He smiled. "Just drink some wine, eat some food and try on some dresses until you find one you like. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself, just have fun with it."
I took a deep breath and nodded as he leaned forward and pressed his lips to my forehead, smiling against me as he obviously fought his urge to make fun of me about it. I was well aware that it was a very simple thing I was supposed to do, but it seemed like another thing that had been ingrained in me that was proving harder to let go of. Every single time I had to get dressed up for anything in my life I was convinced that no matter what I did I would never look right, that I would embarrass my mother, and no matter how hard I tried it was never what she wanted. I always had anxiety for weeks beforehand, and I hated that she still had that kind of power over me.
It was as if I could still hear her voice in the back of my head, telling me all of the things that were wrong with me, all of the reasons why I'd never be as elegant as other girls, that my body was too strong or that I wasn't polished enough. We'd argued over things like getting my nails done, her never understanding that having long nails weren't exactly functional for fitting into my hockey gloves or tying up my skates, and it seemed like all of those little details had just built up over the years until she was practically taunting me with the idea that I shouldn't even bother. I wanted to look nice, to take pride in my appearance, but allowing myself to feel good about it wasn't something I was used to.
The awards dinner for Harry was coming up in a few days and I had yet to find anything to wear, second guessing everything I thought I liked, talking myself out of trusting my own tastes and taking all the fun out of it. I'd told him a million times that he didn't have to take me, but he'd insisted I go with him as his date. Aside from the fact that I wasn't sure how ready I was to be his date in public, I wasn't crazy about the idea of walking a red carpet, cameras and media everywhere with hockey royalty at every turn, but I knew Harry was nervous and it meant a lot to him for me to be there. So that left me looking for a dress, which had been pretty difficult to do since I couldn't leave campus without being surrounded by people shoving cameras and microphones in my face and shouting questions at me.
Chelsea and Brielle had been really great about the whole thing, going and picking up a bunch of dresses for me from some stylist they'd given Harry for the awards. She'd apparently chosen some options for me that would go with Harry's tux, and I suppose it did offer me some comfort that a professional had at least narrowed down my options. It felt like we were going to the Oscars or something from the way everyone was acting about it, which just added to my stress about the whole thing. I knew what a big deal it was, and I just didn't wanna do anything that might dampen or ruin Harry's big moment.
I'd agreed to go have a slumber party at Brielle's and try on all the dresses, and I knew it was supposed to be a fun thing, but it was going to take some adjusting on my part. I was sure that once I got there I'd be fine, knowing Chelsea and Brielle would help me boost my confidence, but it was getting there that seemed to be my problem.
"Come on, let's get you in the car before you change your mind." Harry chuckled as he took my hand and pulled me out of my room, grabbing my purse off my desk along the way.
"I just hope I wore the right underwear." I sighed, knowing trying on dresses would require certain kinds of bras and underwear to get the right look.
"I mean, you could always just not wear any." Harry smirked. "Or put those little pink ones on, those are nice. Or those lacy black ones, or the-"
"Are we seriously at the point where you know every pair of underwear I own?" I laughed as we put on our shoes. "It's not about the color, dummy."
"Oh, we were there before we were even dating." He laughed. "I spent a lot of nights in that bed, remember?"
"Alright, pipe down." Liam said, rolling his eyes as he and Niall came to join us by the door. "I don't need to know."
We both just laughed, always amused at how easily it was to gross Liam out when it came to Harry and I doing anything even remotely sexual, as he pulled his shoes onto his feet and motioned toward the door. The four of us made our way down to the car, knowing that lately any time we left campus we always brought one or two extra people in case we ran into reporters, and began the ride to Brielle's.
"So, speaking of underwear." Niall started. "Just so you know, as far as I'm concerned you guys will just be having pillow fights in lingerie all night. It's a pretty nice image."
"I mean, we won't. But whatever floats your boat, little buddy." I laughed, looking over at Harry who just shook his head at him.
None of us missed the reporters who were gathered on the sidewalk just off campus, who scrambled to get shots of us as we pulled out of the parking lot, racing to their cars to follow us before Harry sped up and lost them. It had been a week since the story broke about Tanner, accompanied by news of what my mother had done, and it had become all too familiar to have to avoid the media as part of our daily lives. The only relief was that they weren't allowed on campus, so the only time we really ran into them was when we left or had to go somewhere. Chelsea had told me that they'd parked themselves at the diner, and I'd had to get my shifts covered to avoid them which I found extremely annoying.
I think we were all hoping things would die down soon, but Tanner was kicking up quite the fuss in an effort to paint me as a liar, using the media to help build his defense by tearing me down. It was to be expected, but everyone involved knew there was no way he'd be able to deny the video evidence. I couldn't say it didn't bother me that he had the audacity to deny it, but it was to be expected. It was classic behavior of a man of his character to think he could get away with it, to deflect the impact of his behavior by calling me a liar or saying that I had exaggerated the whole thing for attention.
The knot in my stomach seemed to tighten the closer we got to Brielle's, and I shook my head at myself as I took a deep breath. It was so stupid, and I knew that, but my body didn't quite want to work with me. The boys and I chatted about various things as we made our way there, and I think we were all relieved to see none of the media had caught up to us by the time I had to get out of the car.
"Alright, Mouse. We have arrived." Niall announced as he hopped out of the car and opened my door for me, and I just turned to see Harry was already smiling at me.
"Have fun." He chuckled.
I sighed as I leaned over and quickly kissed him goodbye, climbing out of the car to a grinning Niall who I knew was fighting his urge to make some smart ass comment. I gave Liam a quick wave before I took another deep breath and started toward the door of her building.
"I feel like we're sending you off to college. They grow up so fast." Liam chuckled as I got to the door, and I turned around to flip him the bird before I went inside.
I took the stairs up the four floors to Brielle's apartment, thinking it would give me some time to get my head together, before I headed down the hall and knocked on her door. She opened it and greeted me excitedly, pulling me inside to find Chels already on the couch with a glass of wine in her hand. It was hard to miss the rack of dresses that was already set up in the middle of the living room, and I couldn't help but feel overwhelmed.
"Okay, so Teej I see the look on your face already and I just wanna preface this whole thing before we start." Brielle said, laughing lightly as she handed me a glass of wine. "All we're doing is hanging out. You're gonna try these on, and if there isn't one you like we'll find another one. No stress, no pressure, you just try them on and see what feels good."
"Exactly." Chelsea nodded with a smile. "Let's just get drunk and have fun."
"I mean...I think I'm gonna need to be drunk to do this." I laughed.
"Then drink up, sister."
Brielle just smiled at me as she plucked a dress off the rack and held it up to me, taking the glass out of my hand and replacing it with the dress, before she softly rubbed my shoulder and took her place back on the couch.
An hour later I seemed to have settled into the process, the pressure seeming to have faded as the girls and I settled into a routine of chatting about all kinds of random things while I tried stuff on, somehow making it seem much less formal than my previous experiences. I was used to being in some snooty dress shop surrounded by the stuck-up friends of my mother, and I was slowly starting to accept that I needed to embrace a different kind of experience.
I was almost excited about it, the idea of picking out something I liked, playing around with my hair or make up, getting lost in a world that had been so far from what I was used to. I wanted to look nice for Harry, to have him be proud to take me as his date, but I also wanted to know what it felt like to not be riddled with anxiety the entire time. I knew it wasn't that easy, that I wasn't going to magically be as confident as I'd wanted to be, but at least it felt like I was on the right track.
"Oh, I love the neckline of that one." Chels said as I stepped out of the bathroom, putting her glass down and filling it back up. "I think that's a good style for you, you've got great collarbones."
"Collarbones?" I laughed as I stepped in front of the mirror.
"Yeah, trust me they make a difference." Brielle agreed. "And your ass also looks amazing in this one."
I stared at myself in the mirror, inspecting the way it fit and how it felt, and I had to admit it was nice to think I actually looked good in something. It was a simple black dress which was relatively short, sitting around my mid thigh, and tight around my hips and waist. It had a lower neckline that I wasn't super comfortable with, but somehow it seemed to look good on me.
"Do you think it's too plain?" I asked, turning around and looking over my shoulder so I could see it from the back.
"No way, you won't believe how fancy you can make a little black dress look with accessories." Chels said, waving me off. "That's the fun part."
"How does it feel though?" Brielle asked. "Your body looks amazing, all that time in the gym is good for more than just hockey."
I laughed as I took another look in the mirror, deciding it was the one I liked the best so far, before plucking another one off the rack and heading back into the bathroom to change. I was suddenly excited to see what else I might find, learning more about necklines and fits, starting to imagine the types of things I could do to complete the whole look, and I shook my head at myself when I thought about what Harry would have said if he was there.
I told you so.
The thought of it brought a smile to my face, kind of loving how well he knew me and how supportive he'd been through the whole thing. He'd always had that way about him, understanding me and what I needed and just giving it to me before I had to ask, always knowing that I was capable of things I didn't believe I was. I wondered what he was doing, hoping he and the boys had gotten up to something fun, but nothing too fun without me.
By the time I'd emerged from the bathroom in my last dress option of the night, all three of us firmly agreed on the one we liked the best. It was yet another little black dress, but I'd known the second I put it on that it was the one, it was classy and comfortable and it felt like the most me. It was a balance between being comfortable and feeling like myself, while pushing me slightly out of my comfort zone, and once I got the girls approval they'd insisted I at least try on the rest to make sure there wasn't a better one.
I was just changing into my pajamas when I heard my phone ringing in the other room, and I wasn't surprised when I heard Chelsea answer it.
"Harry!" She said excitedly. "Teej is gonna look so hot on Friday, you don't even know."
I laughed as I came out of the bathroom, grabbing my phone out of her hand.
"Give me that." I chuckled, bringing it up to my ear. "Hey, babe."
"Hey, gorgeous. I miss you." He said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "Having fun?"
"Actually...yeah." I smiled, a little surprised. "The wine helped I think."
"Figures." He laughed. "Did you pick a dress?"
"I think so, I tried on like twenty, but I know which one I liked the best."
"Send me a pic." He chuckled, knowing what my answer would be.
"Nice try, Styles."
"It was worth a shot."
"What are you doing?" I asked as Chels and Brielle started to explore our movie options.
"Thinking about how hot you probably look in that dress and wishing you were coming home tonight." He chuckled. "Just gonna head out with the boys for a bit. Gonna grab some beers I think."
"Okay, well have fun. I just finished up with all the dresses, we're just gonna order some food and chill now I think."
"Alright, I'm glad you're having fun babe. I miss you, I'll text you later."
"Be good." I smiled.
"Always am."
We said goodbye and I hung up, tossing my phone onto the table in front of me as Brielle ordered food and Chels rummaged around in her bag for some hair mask she'd brought that she swore was some kind of miracle cure for hair health, and tucked my legs up under me to get comfortable. The three of us sat around for the next few hours drinking and eating with all kinds of beauty products all over us, giggling about random things and watching movies. It was strange how comfortable I felt, all of those worries and insecurities I'd been feeling earlier long gone as I sat there with them talking about everything and anything. I genuinely felt like for the first time in my life I'd allowed myself to have real girlfriends that I trusted, who I knew wanted what was best for me, and that I could talk to about anything.
There was a sense of freedom in that, knowing that they felt the same way sometimes that I did, that I wasn't the only girl who worried about what to wear or how I'd look. My mother had spent so much time teaching me that other women were competition, that they couldn't be trusted, that I'd avoided having female friends for most of my life. I now understood the importance of that, of having other women to lean on and support me, in a world that was designed to make us weary of each other. Life was hard enough on us, without the added pressure of being hard on each other, and I hadn't realized how much I'd played into it.
I may not have actively hated on other women, or judged them for superficial things, but I had avoided being close to them or having friendships. I think I'd often expected that they'd already judged me, that I wasn't like them or that we had nothing in common, and I'd come to find that it was exactly the opposite. I hadn't even given them a chance, the same way the rest of the world hadn't, and in doing that I'd missed out on some of the most important relationships a girl could have.
But I was tired of that world, so I was doing my best to create my own.
******************
Harry's POV
"Styles, who you got on your roster for playoffs?" Rex asked me as he took a sip of his beer, clearly stressed about the status of his fantasy hockey team. "I just dropped Eberle and picked up Miller...I don't know if it was a good move."
"I'd say that's solid." I nodded. "Miller's got the momentum right now going into playoffs."
"That's what I thought, but Eberle is consistent." He sighed.
"Consistency is good in regular season cause there's more time to gain the points. In playoffs you need momentum. I just traded Hintz for Barkov, I needed a new centre." I told him as I finished the rest of my beer and put it down in front of me. "It could bite me in the ass, but other than that I'm not making any more changes. My roster is solid."
He nodded in agreement as Liam appeared with the next round, a bunch of us sitting at one of the tables at our local spot as we watched March Madness kick off on one of the big screens. Half our team was there, which was typical for a Friday night, and it was nice to get out after a long day of trying to finish a paper for my technical writing class.
"What's up boys?" Mac smiled as he approached the table and pulled up a chair, Lundy not far behind him. "What's the score?"
"Virginia's up right now, but not by much." Niall told him, not even bothering to tear his eyes from the TV. "It's been pretty close."
I watched as Lundy sat down beside Liam, greeting everyone around the table before he shot a nod in my direction, and I nodded back in acknowledgement. It was the first time I'd seen him in a social setting since what had gone down with Teej, and I wasn't exactly sure how I was supposed to feel about it.
Lundy and I had never seen eye to eye, and certainly exchanged words on more than one occasion, but we'd always managed to keep to the code of mutual respect as teammates. It hadn't been easy for me, but something about what he'd done for Teej had given me a glimpse into the idea that he wasn't nearly as big of a piece of garbage as he behaved. He could have easily left her there, stayed out of it to save himself the trouble, but he did the right thing and up until that point I wasn't sure if I believed he was capable of that.
I didn't want to praise him for doing what he should have, or give him credit for being a decent human being, because I believed that what he did should have been a given. I wouldn't have been surprised if he'd turned his head and walked away, but I also didn't want to act like he'd done something heroic when it was exactly what any man was obligated to do. I didn't want to make a big deal of it, but I also knew that he could have made a different choice, so it left me somewhere in the middle.
"Where's Teej?" Rex asked, looking around like he'd just noticed she wasn't there.
"She's at Brielle's. Girls night or some shit." Liam answered, taking a sip of his beer before banging on the table and yelling at the TV, not paying much attention to anything else.
"How's uh...how's she doing?" Chase asked awkwardly.
We all knew it was a bit of a taboo subject, none of us ever really having discussed it. I think we wanted to give Teej the opportunity to have a safe space where it wasn't all everyone talked about, knowing how much attention was on the whole thing in the first place, but I knew it was hard for everyone to pretend like they didn't know or hadn't heard what had gone on. I didn't know how anyone felt about it, and I suspected they'd avoided mentioning it to me because they knew how close we were.
"She's alright." Shawn sighed. "She's hangin' in there."
"Good." Chase nodded. "Does anyone else feel like complete shit? I mean, I had no idea."
"Do you think he really attacked her though?" Mac scoffed. "Seems kinda dramatic."
Every head at the table turned to look at him, unable to even believe he'd had the balls to say something like that in front of us, but before anyone could say anything Lundy said what we were all thinking.
"Shut the fuck up, bro." He said simply.
My eyes shifted to Lundy, who just looked back at me, and I think that was the moment I realized that he hadn't told anybody that he'd been involved.
"What? I'm just saying." Mac shrugged.
"Well don't." Lundy snapped. "Just shut up about it."
"Alright." Mac said, throwing his hands up in defense. "Jesus."
Lundy lifted his beer back up to his lips as everyone returned their attention to the TV, and Niall and I exchanged a glance that let me know we were thinking the exact same thing.
That was fucking weird.
I think part of me assumed that Lundy would have jumped at the chance to tell everyone, to paint himself as a hero and paint Teej to be weak and in need of rescuing, but if he hadn't told Mac then he hadn't told a soul. Mac was his best friend, the two of them were inseparable, and I was genuinely shocked that he'd kept it to himself. I knew he'd had to give statements to the police and be a witness in the investigation, but he'd kept quiet about it, and I had no idea why.
I would have liked to have thought it was out of respect for Teej, but I found it hard to believe that he had much considering the way he'd treated her up until that point. I hoped maybe he'd had a change of heart once he realized what she'd been through, but I was hesitant to believe that. I watched as he got up and headed toward the bathroom, and I finished off the rest of my beer before deciding I needed another one.
"I'm going up, who needs another?" I announced, Niall and Shawn both pounding the rest of theirs so they could tell me they were ready for more.
I chuckled to myself as I stood up, shaking my head at them, before I headed over to the bar and ordered three more beers. I pulled out my phone and sent Teej a text while I waited, hoping she was having fun with the girls and not worrying about too much. I heard a familiar voice next to me as I shoved my phone back in my pocket, looking up to see Lundy had appeared beside me and was talking to the bartender.
"Yeah, another beer." He nodded, holding up his bottle as the bartender grabbed another and popped the top off, handing it to him before he turned and leaned himself against the bar.
He didn't say anything, or head back to the table, just looking up at the TV as we stood there in silence before he spoke.
"She alright?" He asked, staring straight ahead before bringing his beer up to his lips and taking a sip.
I took a deep breath, unsure of how to answer, not exactly about to discuss Teej's feelings or experience with Lundy of all people, but surprised he'd even bothered to ask.
"Yeah." I said, clearing my throat. "She's good."
He just nodded, not saying anything else as I turned and picked up the beers I'd ordered off the bar, turning back to face him.
"Why didn't you tell Mac?" I asked, my curiosity getting the best of me.
"Why would I?" He said, turning to look at me, almost looking offended.
"He's your best mate." I shrugged.
He laughed lightly, looking down and shaking his head at me, before he looked back up and his eyes met mine.
"I know what you think of me, Styles." He said simply. "It's not exactly a secret that you and I aren't friends."
"I never said we were."
"Look, I may have a different opinion on whether or not she belongs here, but I'm not a complete piece of shit." He defended. "That wasn't about hockey, and despite what you think of me I'm not about to let shit like that go down on my watch."
It wasn't hard to see that he was offended that I would think he may have walked away, but it was hard to reconcile the way he'd treated her with the choice he'd made.
"You didn't answer my question." I said. "Why didn't you tell Mac?"
"Because it's none of his fucking business." He scoffed. "It's nobody's business. If she wants to tell people that's her choice, I'm not about to go giving details on shit I wasn't a part of. It was obvious that it was going on long before I got there. All I know is what I saw, that's it. And you got there not long after I did."
"Yeah, but I would have been too late." I said, the guilt I felt making me feel like I could throw up as I looked down at the floor.
I hated that I hadn't been there when she needed me, that she'd had to depend on Lundy of all people to stop Tanner. I hated that she was in that position in the first place, that I hadn't realized what was happening, and that I hadn't got there sooner.
"But you showed up." Lundy sighed. "And it was obvious how much that meant to her."
I looked up at him, feeling a strange sense of appreciation for the fact that he would even attempt to make me feel better about it, unsure of what else to say.
"Thank you." I said, not missing the surprise on his face. "For what you did that day, for helping her when you could have walked away. Despite what you and I may think about each other, I respect you for what you did."
Lundy just looked at me, shooting me a closed mouth smile and nodding in acceptance, before I sighed and the two of us headed back to the table and sat down. Liam shot me a questioning look at I handed Shawn and Niall their beers, and I just shrugged as I sat down. Lundy and I didn't speak for the rest of the night, but there seemed to be some kind of weight that had lifted, knowing that even though we would never be friends there was a mutual understanding that we at least agreed on something.
I somehow had the sense that he would be changing some of the ways he did things, that maybe he'd learned something from the whole experience, and I guess that was all I could have hoped for. I sensed he might go a little easier on Teej, maybe have a little more tolerance for her position even though he didn't agree with it, and that maybe we as a team could begin to heal from the disaster our season at been. The playoffs were fast approaching, and considering we didn't even have a coach, we were gonna need to stick together now more than ever.