THREE| Not Ready to Leave
May 16, 2011
~
//Milan\\
Even though I waited for Kengi almost everyday didn't mean I was gone wait for him every hour. I mean I guess I freaked him out panicking like that so whatever.
I mean I still had myself to worry about at the end of the day and I should've known that he wasn't going to stay because, let's be honest. No one ever really does, that's just- that's just how it is.
I guess.
But on some good news, y'all won't believe what i'm doing right now.
Making my first profit in school, hehe.
"I'm giving you two grams for ten dollars and you're worried if its shake when I told you it was home grown?" I asked the two dorks in front of me, "Nigga do you want it or not, i'm not selling you two for twenty, this ain't even two grams. its like a 2.4?" I asked him again.
They was really debating me if I didn't know what I was doing. I was in their PE since I had history right now and I didn't wanna go to history.
I didn't really care about the outcome of my report card though, I'm in six grade. I can bring that up in no time.
"You a sixth grader, do you even smoke weed?" The first one, Trent asked me.
I smacked my lips, "Yes I smoke bitch, are you gone buy it or what? Yo friends are starting to come over here." I told them.
They looked at each other and nodded. I smiled. "Ight then."
I opened the backpack inside of my backpack and grabbed the clear cap with the letters 2.0 on top of it. Giving it to him discreetly he gave me my money. "Pleasure doing business with you."
"You gone have some tomorrow?" He asked me.
"Tomorrow is a Saturday?" I squinted at him just as his friends including a girl named Destiny came over.
Ion know her for real, I just know of her. I always wanted to be her friend but we never came crossed each other this year so I guess that's just not in the plans of god so,
Welp.
"Ight so where you be at?"
"You got a phone?" I pulled out my hand.
"Yeah."
"Give it here." He handed me his nice new Samsung and honestly, I thinking about boosting off with this bitch, but since I been getting better cuts since I started selling at the school, maybe I could afford one myself.
Nobody in the streets was fucking with weed for real cause they all grew out of the weed phase or they claim I'm too young to be buying from, fucking bitches.
But I guess that's that big boy street shit, Rome be talking about, but at school, with these kids that's just starting out on doing drugs, oh yeah. I'm in, and I don't go to school with Rush so a plus more money for me.
I'm the drug dealer at my school. Everybody that smoke here knows and thankfully my cover up is just as good.
Candy
Stole it from Pimp Lucious down by Uncle Ben truck, "Candy for the People" I used to think it was for real whole time it was a brothel.
Yeah, I know.
But I gotta get my shoes somewhere for the low.
"Text me whenever during 3:15 to 6:12pm those my only open hours." I told him.
He nodded as they started to walk away, "Ight Snap."
"See you." I smiled before I put the backpack on my back before I started to walk away, "Damn girl you smell like my big sister." Some one said to me.
I turned around to see a girl staring at me. She was a lighter skin tone then me that much but she was, she was shorter too but only by a little, so little that you'd say we were the same height.
I didn't know this girl from a can of paint, "Who is you?"
She kicked herself off the wall all dramatic and shit like she was in a movie or something. She a clown that's who she is, a straight clown.
"I'm Summer."
"Oh."
"You'an got a name?" She asked following me.
"Not for people I don't wanna get to know." I smiled at her before dropping it.
"Damn you mean, you look really nice but hell nah." She laughed shaking her head. I smacked my lips and rolled my eyes.
"Why I gotta be nice to people I don't know?"
She squinted her eyes at me disapprovingly, "you don't but you should be open to make friends, miss weed sanctuary-"
"Yell so the whole world could here you, yeah?" I covered her mouth looking at the camera right above her head, moving her. "What you want from me?"
"Well since you're offering, I would love a friend." She batted her eyes teasingly.
I wasn't amused, "Ion wanna be your friend."
She frowned, "Why not?"
"Because Ion need new people in my life right now. Too many ties you know," I told her.
She looked at me, "We could just say hi and bye whenever we see each other too." I laughed, "This how you make friendships girl?"
She partially shrugged, "You difficult."
The whole day I found myself with Summer-Or maybe it was just her, because she wouldn't leave me alone. She even walked me to the bus stop since her mom is always late to pick her up after school.
"I'a talk to you tomorrow right?"
My eyebrows unintentionally scrunched up as I said no, "Tomorrow Saturday-Maybe Monday." I got on the bus.
She nodded, "Well okay. BYE MILAN!" She waved me off with a smile on her face.
I shook my head at her, "Bye Summer." Now I have a weird, goofy friend on my hands.
Should've never told her my name.
Or talked to her.
I got home and began to pack my bag for Granny Ruby's. Today is her birthday so we're going to the hospital to celebrate it with her. We're even going to make a cake for her and sneak it in, or we might not cause she cant eat it.
Ion know Aunt Jen prolly on smack again. Just saying.
"Where you going?" Joe asked just as I packed the pill bag inside the bag.
I can't believe he really gave me something. I've been doing everything right since then. I just ain't tell him about the pills I have to take because of his nasty ass but only if I hadn't researched gonorrhea at the library, I wouldn't have knew he didn't have gonorrhea.
ONLY for the fact that I never hear him scream when he pees- anymore that is but that was a one time thing.
He was yelling like he was being cooked alive. Honestly amusing to my ears but I don't like thinking about his ass for too long.
The irony.
I looked at him before fixing my bag more, "Its Friday I'm going to Granny ruby house."
"Ian hear you ask me." He looked up at me after just taking a line of that stuff.
I sighed seeing him get up so I could clearly get out what I was tryna say. "Its Granny Ruby house you let me go any other time." I spoke just barely over a whisper not able to find my voice as he began hover over me.
"Okay but today ain't like any other days-" he tried to grab my chin but I didn't let him causing him to pause mid sentence. I flenched hard before he smacked me. "You can't go."
"But-"
Another smack goes across my cheek. I'ma just stop talking cause this nigga, "You got something to say Lani? Hmm you wanna speak?" He taunted me as his hand clenched my hair.
"No, no okay." I lied. "I won't go." I mumbled.
"What?" he asked.
"I won't go?" I asked looking at him.
BOOM
do you know what that is.
That's the sound of me getting my chest knocked in from an over sized fist.
Right in my core. It felt like all the wind was left in my body and it felt like that too. I took it the best I could noise couldn't escape my throat as I crouched over in fetal position watching him step over me.
I laid there for I don't know how long, but when I got up I felt like a new person even with the pain in my chest racing through my body. I felt it in the tip of my fucking toes.
Turning to my bedrooms window, I put everything in a bag before I through it out the window watching it fall on the dumpster hood just enough to close the dumpster and not land inside.
I locked my door before running to the window and walked down the fire escape jumping on the dumpster, leaving.
I ran to the train station like I was running from the cops the whole way there only stopping at lights. I didn't really know why I was running I just knew I had too.
~
Just getting there I opened the door, "I'm here! Don't leave with out me!" I yelled running into the bathroom to pee pushing Valerae just to get in there since she was in my way.
"MA! MILANO PUSHED ME!" I heard her whine. I snickered before retaliating.
"SNITCH! NO I DIDN'T!" I wiped and flushed in my pace before I began hurrying out, not forgetting to wash my hands before I left out.
I walked in the living room and seen everybody was sitting down and walked up to Val and lightly slapped her forehead.
She smacked her lips. "Bitch."
I turned around, "What you just call me?" She was gonna repeat herself when Jen came in.
"Aye y'all getting too comfortable let's go, Milan your hair what's going on shorty?" She looked at me.
I looked at her, "What it's down."
"And all over the place, you don't do your hair?"
"You don't brush your teeth." I wanted to say but I didn't. I hope I didn't, fuck I did her face says, that I said that. Welp its true....
I walked past her and walked to the couch taking a seat next to Jasiah, "Well its good to see you buster," he said to me.
"Yeah you to clown." I nudged him before looking around, "Where Romeo?"
"He had a run to do so he said he just gone meet us there you know how he is." I nodded understanding. For Rome to be only fifteen he ran with the big dogs that under the huge dogs.
Mostly you know the niggas under king pins, and their men? Basically since Rome wasn't a right hand or left hand yet, he worked with the people that were under them. So really, he's on his way up.
"Well that's good for him ain't it."
"Why you say it like that you'on wanna see Granny Ruby?" He asked me.
I shrugged, "I just want her to get better already."
"You not the only one."
Just then Tailan came out the room looking all fresh, "I'ma cut my hair." He said as his dookie braided her slang back and forth with his red ballies shangin.
I laughed, "You look like snoop dog."
He smack his lips before he stared saying, "MA I TOLD YOU, MILAN MAKING FUN OF ME!" Walking to her.
I laughed as she stormed in here and began to whoop his back side, "¡DETÉN A SNITCHIN! Y SIéNTATE YO CULO ABAJO!" She got him bad with a chancla near by.
(STOP SNITCHIN! AND SIT YO ASS DOWN!)
She was good with them. One day last summer I dared Tailan to run around the house butt naked for an hour and i'll buy him anything he wanted from the store.
Five minutes in he was running away from her still naked. She couldn't catch him so she through her chancla at his ass and it looked like she had tazored him on impact.
Ima perfect that.
I'm not gonna hit my kids.
I think there's a difference between hitting and being brutal.
Shii Thas little to the shit I go through and they claim to hate her. Tuh- their lucky she has the nerve not to hit them with some harder.
Joe a crack head so he no longer has a brain to say he had a last nerve he used his head space to hold the crack but somehow the deal he got with the devil keep him up.
I hate the beginning and end of every month. Most ruthless time to be in the house.
"Yo Lani you good?" Jasiah asked me as I started to hear Tailan's crying,
Jesus.
"Can we go now?" I asked tired of waiting.
I could've been went, a child just cant go by themselves.
I can't wait till i'm grown.
"Just ten more minutes." I groaned before I pretended to melt into the seat until I ended up on the floor. I just stayed down here until it was time to go. Didn't feel like a ten minutes more like thirty but, I noticed that happened when you're really waiting.
~
"Salut, Mamie Rubis." They all said while I waited at the door. You'd think you were prepared to walk in a hospital room and be cool like you don't care then the next Pussy out.
(Hey Granny Ruby)
I hated the fact that I did care, because I cared mad much and her in here, it was like damn.
You're really about to die. I don't wanna see her like that.
I'm not ready for her to die.
"Milano." I heard her raspy voice. The itch came so I rubbed it taking a deep breath before I walked into the room. My stomach was tight and my chest felt the same with each step I took. My palms were getting sweaty and i'm not ready.
But Ian want her to know that so I just smiled, "Salut Ruby. Vous êtes très belle." I lied hugging her.
(Hi Ruby. You look amazing.)
She was gorgeous she just looked the color of a dead gold fish right now, sorry for the little lie.
She smelt like old lady and hospital medicine.
"Vous faites pour, mais vos cheveux?"
(You do too, but your hair?)
"Ce n'est pas comme si personne ne m'avait appris Ruby," I rolled my eyes at her, She expects me to be good at everything I do.
(It ain't like nobody taught me Ruby)
"Vous avez déjà pensé à vous enseigner." She asked smoothing it with her hand. (You ever thought about teaching yourself.)
I frowned my face up at her, "Donc, je peux finir par faire quelque chose de bête comme faire tout tomber?" (So I can end up doing something dumb like making it all fall out.)
"No thanks Rubeth'Jane." The rods laughed as she popped me for calling her, her full name.
I shrugged.
"Vous avez seulement besoin d'un peigne, d'une brosse, d'un gel." She said. (You only need a comb, a brush, a gel.)
"But no." I shook my head.
"You can learn how to braid?"
That silence lead to her laughing at me. She gave me a kiss on my cheek and I smiled, "Joyeux anniversaire Mamie Rubis."
(Happy Birthday Granny Ruby.)
"Merci mais où sont mes cadeaux?"
(Thank you but where are my gifts)
~
Kengi was driving down in the Bronx on his way to Milan. It was a Friday so he was going to pick her up so they could talk, and chill at this place he found out about that was close to where he was living.
He wanted to tell her he was sorry for all he was doing, Cakes was right he got mad very quickly and when he does sometimes he'on think. Two weeks ago, he wasn't thinking.
He just missed his friend. She was good company, mad funny, and they were a good combination. Plus he'an wanna be like all the other people in her life that just up'd and left her when she really needed her.
He didn't want to be in that category especially when she'd told him what she told him.
He'an wanna be like how her father was when it came to her. He never wanted- or dreamed to ever hurt her.
She was good in his eyes.
He wanted to make sure she remained that way.
He parked on the whats so called it and got out of his car. Walking over to the passenger side he looked at all the kids that was really none to five, play. None of them were Milan, but none to one knew where she could be, "Ayo Ro!?" He yelled out to Ro who sat on the swings sadly.
He looked over at Kengi . Royal knew who he was per say, but he didn't know who he was to Mi.
Ro always thought that Kengi was Milan's real dad since she always left with him, the way she spoke about Kengi, and because Kengi had a beef with Joe because of Marilyn-plus Joe was her step dad not real one.
But he knew he wasn't her dad for the fact Kengi wouldn't let Mi stay here with Joe and because she called Kengi, Kengi and not dad.
Kengi was a brown skin with a low fade that was filled with dark brown waves. He was really slim and fine. He was 22 but looked and walked around like he was much older.
To Kengi it ain't matter how you looked, it's what you have to offer. Just like it ain't what you know its who you know, cause you can be big as a whale and don't know how to fight.
Tragic but its true.
Ro began walking up to him, scared from the scowl he was getting from the man.
Kinda intimidating.
"You called me?" Royalty asked as he reached him.
Folding his arms he asked, "You seen Milan?" He asked.
Royalty shook his head, "She still not talking to me yet, she was here earlier though Ian see her leave."
Kengi nodded his head at Ro, "Ight. You need some money or some?"
"You offering?" Ro smiled,
Kengi chuckled before giving him the smallest bill in his pocket, "Here go twenty. Don't spend it all in one day lil nigga."
"Ight thanks Mr. Kengi," Kengi laughed.
"Yeah ight lil nigga." He laughed all the way into his car. He was his going to call him back when he seen Ro walk away. He shook his head turning on his car, "That lil nigga gay." And he started to push it back to the trap.
He always went to the trap after spending the Friday with Milan. She always made him feel the need to be not-serious all the time and have fun. Especially with one of the things they both do is skate board.
Milan was like his little protégée at some things. Skating one since he taught her everything he knew and Milan was a quick learner so she learned more even when she practiced shit he wouldn't try.
Milan just liked the adrenaline rush, and he caught that from her but he has a job so he gotta kick all that sentimental shit to the curb and get tough.
He was only a marsh for so little people. Only three to be exact-
WHHHHHHhOOOOOP WHHOOP WOO WOO BERKTK
"Broke ass sirens what the fuck is-oh shit," Kengi said talking off his face.
Police sirens were heard near by his car and the lights were right behind him. He looked back and said, "Man fuck." Hitting his hands on his steering wheel.
He couldn't afford another fucking ticket.
He was thinking about speeding off but he thought against it and just started to hide his shit. Since the window was already open and he was face masking it was cool. He was a for real stoner, he went to college, freshman year was lit.
He fixed himself and got out his licence and registration out and put them on his dashboard and rolled down his window seeing the white police officer of New York.
"Hello Officer, how may I help you sir?" He asked looking up at him with shades on.
"Do you know why I pulled you over?" The officer asked fixing his belt buckle. He looked all throughout the windows of Kengi's Mercedes Benz E Class. He was wondering how he got it with all those tattoos on his arms and his goatee.
"No I do not officer, do tell. Why did you pull me over sir?" He asked him being funny. He was high as fuck he just felt like he was Adam Sandler.
Or some shit bruh.
"You were swerving without your taillights on."
"I knew I was forgetting to do some bruh," he said as Toot it and Boot it x YG came on lowly. He couldn't help rap along in his head.
"I'ma need your license and registration."
"Ight no problem sir," Giving him his license and registration, the officer looked at them both suspiciously then looked at Kengi or Kent McCalvinson from Harlem, NY.
He walked to the cop car calling into his walkie, "Run me the license plate on 7J5A325"
All while he's doing that Kengi on his shit texting his girlfriend, telling her whats happening. He couldn't handle no chances, he'an know if this Officer Tucker here was dirty or not.
He looked racist.
The Police officer got out the car from doing his business now he could do his actually job that he actually wanted to.
Arrest this nigga.
He tapped on his car and said, "Get out the car."
Kengi was takin back, "Nigga why?" He asked with his head jerked up. Shit was strange this officer was just cool now he wanted to arrest him?
Well no that's not the case. Thing is, this nigga Kengi now has a baby mother that had filed child support on him.
Kengi doesn't believe the child is his so he's not giving her shit.
It's now a warrant out on his name to take him to jail for unpaid support, yeah they can do this. In the courts eyes, You wanna know what they call it? CHILD NEGLECT!
And that shit just gets higher and higher.
Now that the officer had him on the ground, picking him up to take him to jail, he had no option but to go.
Kengi sat in the back spewing fucked up shit to the fucked up officer in the back of the police car. He glad he told his bitch what was happening. Knowing Cakes ass she was on her way there and she was her lil homie Sammie.
He hoped Sammie knew how to drive cause that'll be a shame for Cakes car, but its ugly so he don't care. All he do care about is his car in this situation.
It was his first car, and a souvenir.
He couldn't lose it.
~
"Granny Ruby?" Milan said on Granny Ruby side as she was sleeping. She looked to see her still sleeping and tapped her soggy but full cheeks. She didn't get up so Milan started playing with them to get her action, while saying her name.
One thing Granny Ruby hated when she was sleeping with her grandmother. "Smetti di essere permaloso Milano." She popped her hands.
(Stop being touchy Milano.)
Milan laughed. "Mio male ma lo eri-"
(My bad but you were)
"Dormire. So di essere vecchio.." Granny Ruby said making her laugh.
(Sleep. I know i'm old.)
"You not old granny. You getting younger, really."
"Di cosa stai parlando Lano?" She asked smiling at me.
(What are you talking about Lano)
I smacked my lips straightening up my posture, "Nothing I mean, Its this movie I watched with Kengi when he took me to this Drive in theater and it was called Benjamin Button. Kengi always makes me write about the movies we see and I'm saying your younger because you're very old-" She rambled getting lost. "wait lemme start over-"
"Milano cosa vuoi dirmi?"
(Milan what do you want to tell me)
"Okay," Milan took a breath before she sat up criss cross apple sauced. "Benjamin was born old right, and we're born really young, right. So in this case I said that you were getting young w-well be-becaus-because you know your getting ready to die or whatever. I'm just get older but when its my time to die my time is now limited and I'm getting younger about to die to be reborn again once I go to haven."
"Where did you learn to talk like that?" She asked astonish, "So proper-"
"I hang out with Kengi. He's very proper sometimes." She said in a proper-like tone.
Her grandmother looked at her with squinted eyes, "I've never heard of this Kengi you speak of." She said causing Milan to smack her lips.
"Yes I did, you were listening to your story Ruby then I told you when Rome pulled a gun out on Tyler-"
"Im sorry, i'm old-"
"Its okay-,"
"Bene, dimmelo. È solo tra me e te."
She patted beside her making room for her.
(Well, tell me. It's just between me and you)
"Ricordamelo," she said wheeling her in knowing Milan never could resist spilling the tea for her grandmother. She knew she could trust her more than anyone in the world.
(Remind me of him,)
"Well then okay," Milan flicked her hair out her face before crawling to the space she left for Milan. Smiling she started, "Kengi is mommy's little boy toy or whatever-"
"Milano," Ruby smacked her lips nudging Milan.
She giggled before continuing, "No foreal Ruby. He likes mommy, he has since I was seven. At first he was just cool, then he was there, then he was teaching me things......Kengi's really cool but I think he doesn't wanna talk to me anymore." Milan confessed, her throat started to clog up and she felt the itch in her ear. She could tell she was about to cry but she didn't want to. "And it's my fault."
She was in front of someone.
"Milan-"
"Maybe I shouldn't have said that maybe then he wouldn't have left-" She shrugged, the tears just started to come out. She hated that she was a cry baby.
"Ecoute moi, Milan, écoute moi."
Ruby started, as she began to hug onto Milan's body, wiping the tears that seemed to fall down, as she continued.
(Listen to me, Milan, listen to me)
"S'il se soucie vraiment de vous et que vous vous souciez de lui, il reviendra. Ils font toujours-"
(If he really cares about you and you care about him, he will come back. They always do)
"No they don't," she corrected her, "Only in the movies. My daddy still hasn't came back, he maybe even forgot about me." She got up from the bed.
That was her worst fear besides that fucking closet. The feeling to know her father Michael had forgotten about her. She don't know how she'd take it knowing that he did that, while she was up here worrying about him, wishing he'd still come knocking in the door to save her from Joe.
It hadn't happened yet but she wished, she wished every night.
Ruby reached out to her, "Ton père était un bâtard égocentrique."
(Your father was a self centered bastard)
"So he didn't love me is what you're saying-"
"No,"
"I mean you saying he didn't care, but he didn't care until when, I was five? I'M ELEVEN NOW WHY DOESN'T HE CARE ANYMORE! YOU'RE DAUGHTER DOES!" She spazzed.
"Milan se calmer." Ruby told her.
(Milan calm down)
Milan began to hear the beeps in her monitor and began to take short and steady breaths. Slamming her arms to her side she said, "I'm just saying."
"Je dis simplement," Ruby retorted mocking her. Milan rolled her eyes as Ruby shook her head at Milan's temper, the one that she took from her daughters traits.
She looked at how red her light skin ass was and just wanted to laugh at her.
She was such a crybaby.
"What?" Milan asked.
Ruby looked at her with a stern look, Milan buckled down a little bit but not a lot. "You have to control your anger. It might consume you." She said with a calm exterior flipping through channels.
"Mhm, "Milan hummed before she folded her arms and as time had passed she calmed down.
They've been in this position for the last twenty minutes waiting on Joe to get Jen to get her. It was going on 7 and visiting hours end at 7:30.
Jen had to go to work and Milan wanted to stay so she was the only one that did since Tailan left with his dad and Jasiah and Val went to their friends house. Tyler was practically grown so Aunt Jen didn't pay attention to him like that.
Last time that Milan knew he was in Jail.
"Ehm sounds nice." Milan replied to her.
Ruby laughed, "Milan Je te dis quelque chose, vraiment. Les gens vont et viennent. C'est la façon dont vous élevez qui compte. Je sais que je vais mourir parce que sa vie va bien, je sais. Et je n'ai pas peur d'accord, regarde moi,"
(Milano lemme tell you something, really. People, they come and go. Its how you elevate that matters. I know i'm going to die because its life okay, I know. And I am not scared okay look at me)
She made Milan look at her in her eyes. "Je n'ai pas peur, alors arrête d'être en colère. Le passé est pratique, soyez heureux."
(I'm not afraid, so stop being angry. The past is practice, be happy.
Milan shook her head, "What does that have to do with anything?" She asked rolling her eyes.
"Milan, ne penche jamais ta couronne. Parce qu'ils sont des difficultés dans le monde. Les gens étant un. Vous les laissez entrer dans votre tête, tout est mauvais." She told her looking in her eyes.
(Milan, never tip your crown. Cause they're are hardships in the world. People being one. You let them get inside your head, its all bad.)
Milan didn't know then but she didn't care, "Is that all."
Granny Ruby just smiled, "I love you Milano."
_________
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