Trigger Warning: Mentions Of attempted suicide, self harm, depression, anxiety etc.
Y/N's P.O.V.
"What?" Gerard mumbled and I looked over to his sprawled out position on the couch.
"Hey, Way. How're you feeling?" I asked, turning the TV off. The boy sat up and looked around in confusion.
"Y/N?" He asked and I moved to sit next to him. I hummed and he avoided eye contact.
"Yeah. I wanna talk about something." He nodded slightly.
"So, Frank told me what happened 4 months ago." I said in a quiet tone, not making eye contact.
"You had a pretty bad panic attack earlier and honestly, it scared Frank. It scared me a little too."
"He told you?" Gerard asked quietly and I sighed.
"I really didn't give him much of a choice. I'm not going to judge you, shout at you or talk at you, I want you to tell me what happened and then I'm going to tell you something. If you want, I can tell you first, but trust me, I'm not going to tell anyone anything as long as you don't." I said reassuringly. I looked at him and he nodded slightly.
"Can you go first?" He asked timidly and I nodded.
"Uh, well, it's not exactly a secret that I didn't get along with the people in my old school. Yeah, I had Brendon and a few other friends, but that wasn't much. What I did have, however, was depression. Still do." I shrugged.
"My mom goes away a lot and my dad died a few years ago, leaving me home alone quite a lot. One night, I couldn't sleep and my depression and anxiety were at war. I decided to go and get a glass of water, but being the awkward teenager that I am, I had my headphones in. I couldn't hear the burglars raiding the kitchen, but I felt the knife in my stomach when he saw me."
"You got stabbed?" Gerard asked in shock and I lifted up my t-shirt to show the scar.
"He hadn't hit any major organs, but it hurt like Hell. They ran and I could have called for help, my phone was still in my pocket, playing music, but I didn't. Depression won the war in my head and I figured that if I died at the crime scene, it would be cheaper to pay for a funeral than the hospital bills. I pulled the knife out and laid there, on the kitchen floor, until I passed out.
My mom found me when she came back from a business trip the next day. I was in a coma for two weeks, nobody thought I would make it." I barely even registered the fact that I was crying.
"I didn't realise at the time that if I had died, I would have killed a part of so many other people."
"Are you okay now, though?" Gerard asked and I chuckled through the tears.
"I'm fine, that was almost 3 years ago. It's you I'm worried about." I said truthfully and he picked at the blanket.
"It's stupid, but I just feel so pathetic sometimes. Useless, weak and unwanted. If I drink too much, I act like a dick and people hate me. If I'm sober I'm a freak and people hate me." He said and I put my head on his shoulder.
"Sometimes I just think everything would be easier for everyone if I was gone."
"I don't hate you. Mikey, Ray and Frank don't. Who cares what other people think? You're your own damn person, Gerard." I said and wiped a tear off of my cheek.
"You think everyone's lives will be easier? No, you'd make it worse. Frank would lose his best friend. So would Ray. Mikey would lose his brother and I don't exactly know him well, but if I were him, that would crush me."
"Mikey's strong. They'd have each other." He said monotonously and I sighed.
"You don't get it, do you? How would you react if you found Frank dead? Or Ray? Or Mikey? Because I'm fairly sure they'd have a similar reaction. Would your life be easier if one of them did it?" I asked and he shook his head, no.
"Exactly, so why is it any different for you? Why do you get the easy way out, if the rest of us will just be left behind to mourn and clean up your mess?"
~
I went upstairs quietly, finding Frank's room easily. It was the only room upstairs with the door shut. I knocked, but after getting no reply, I opened the door, finding him curled up in bed.
"Hey, Gerard and I are going out for pizza are you coming?" I asked and he continued to snore away, curled up in his blankets. I walked over silently and I couldn't help but smile at his relaxed expression. I covered him over properly and he opened an eye sleepily.
"Y/N? What time is it?" He asked in a deeper voice than usual.
"A little after 6pm. Gerard and I are going to get pizza, do you want to come, or do you want us to bring you some back?" I asked and he sat up.
"I'll come with." He yawned and I moved to lean against the wall as he got up.
"How's Gerard? Usually, even with a small one he's down for a few days."
"Not what I'd call it. He's in quite a good mood." I shrugged and Frank shook his head.
"What about you?"
"Better. Thanks." He went over to his closet and took off his tee, changing it and apparently not caring I was in the room.
"Shall we go?"