That night I had a dream about Jake, I had them all the time but I didn't think I'd get them when I was with Mitchel. This one hit me hard though. Even after I woke up, the dream still felt so real. I tried to relax in Mitchel's arms.
The bus was silent and I could practically hear my racing heart. I was breathing heavy, the dream flooded my mind and I hated it. I didn't want to think about it any more, I wanted to cry all over again. For some reason I thought that pushing it away and never thinking about it would help and it would go away but it finds the worst times to come back and bite me in the ass.
Mitchel shifted beside me, "hey are you alright?" I don't know how he could tell but I appreciated him for it. "Just a bad dream," I snuggled back into his chest.
"Do you wanna go watch Netflix for a while or something?" Everything from earlier tonight practically disappeared from my head, I had nothing but admiration for him. As if I could ever stay mad at him, it was unhealthy I know but I couldn't even care. I had a way of giving up all of my morals for someone I cared about. "Yeah, sure."
I knew he didn't really want to get up but I could really use the distraction. He shifted and unwrapped his arms from me, "okay let's go to the back." I got up and stayed as quiet as possible, making sure I didn't wake any of the others. He closed the door behind us, so we were alone and he grabbed the remote and flipped on The Office.
I let him sit with his back against the wall so I could sit between his legs and lay on his chest. This was my favorite way to sit with him. The volume was really low and the subtitles were on so I just took the time to distract myself and try not to think about it.
"What was your dream about?" I knew he'd ask. I actually thought about telling him, I was so close to him and this was just such a big thing in my head recently. "Remember when you asked me what the worst thing Jake ever did to me was?" I felt him nod, "Yeah." I want to tell him. I didn't know how he'd react or what he'd think of me and that was the only thing holding me back. I hated the version of me in this story, I was pathetic.
"Well, it was about that. I have the same dream a lot." He held me tighter and I was sure he could feel the way I was shaking. I hated it more than anything, I wish I could just forget about it. "It was a couple weeks before I broke up with him actually. It was kind of a last straw for me." He listened contently.
"He had been out with his friends and didn't get home until like 3 in the morning. We lived in an small house together, he has a lot of money because of his family." Mitchel rubbed circles on my arm. I was so glad I was comfortable with him because honestly I didn't think I would be able to be this close to a guy ever again, I'm sort of terrified of them.
But I was so grateful for him.
"And when he got home that night he was really, really drunk. Like the kind of drunk where you can hardly walk and you can't see straight." I was tensing up and I knew Mitchel could feel it. "He, um, well when he got home he started yelling almost as soon as he got in the door." I could already feel myself getting choked up. I was going to try and get through the story without crying but I knew it'd be hard.
"He was talking nonsense about me staying in all the time and how I didn't act interested in him. He said he was embarrassed to say he's dating me to his friends." I remembered it in a scary amount of detail, I had replayed it in my head about a million times.
"He said that if I was a good girlfriend I'd do whatever he wanted me to, whenever he wanted me to. That I'd go out with him and act however he wanted me to." The words made me shiver, I hated him and everything he was in my life. "And then he hit me and told me that I would be better off dead, and that I was lucky he had taken me in because no one else would have." Mitchel tensed under me, "babe, I'm so sorry he did that to you." He wrapped his arms around me more, holding me closer.
"That's not the worst part," I knew Mitchel wasn't ready for what I was about to say. I don't think even I was ready, I've never actually said it out loud.
"After that I didn't want to see him so I locked myself in the bathroom so he couldn't come in." I started getting choked up again, I turned my legs so that I was across Mitchel. So that I could look at him while I spoke. I held my head up and wrapped my arms around his neck. He had one arm around my back and the other draped over my legs.
"And for a while he pounded on the door and I just sat in there and cried. But it wasn't bad and I thought he'd eventually give up and go to bed and then we could talk when he was sober. He was his worst when he was drunk." I dropped my arms and fiddled them in my lap.
"And eventually he gave up and went somewhere else. I waited like two hours before coming out." My voice was breaking and I had to take so many breaks to keep from crying.
"When I went into our bedroom he was still awake, just sitting on the edge of the bed with a bottle in his hand." Mitchel rubbed up and down my back, realizing how hard this was for me. "He got up and threw the bottle at the wall. He was so mad, I didn't even know what to do. I didn't know if I should've run or tried to comfort him. So I just froze and stood there."
This was going to be impossible to get through. "And when he got to me I didn't even know what to do. I just stood there."
Why did I just stand there? I was positive I was shaking at this point. "He grabbed my arm and just threw me down onto the bed." I should've fought harder.
"He started just beating the shit out of me. He was hitting me in the face, the stomach, just every piece of me. I felt so broken and weak, I couldn't even move. It hurt to breathe. Every move I tried to make sent pain through my whole body." I choked out, tears steadily running down my face at this point.
Mitchel held me so close, like he was scared I would fall apart if he let go. "I felt so helpless Mitchel, you don't understand." I was practically sobbing out my words at this point. I tried to keep any ounce of composure. He rubbed my back in an attempt to soothe me. "He got on top of me," I don't think I could get through this I was crying too much.
"And I tried to get him off, I swear I did but everything hurt so bad. I told him to get off, I told him not to touch me." Mitchel laid his head on top of mine, pulling me into his chest as much as he could. "He just..." I didn't want to say it. "It didn't matter what I did, I was too weak. He just... he kept going. I kept crying and he just.... kept going." I was hysterical.
Mitchel just held me close as I sobbed into his chest. He didn't know what to say and I didn't expect him to. Jake's relentless actions played on a loop in my head, I could picture my helpless body like a doll laying on the bed.
"Baby, I am so sorry you had to go through that." He pulled his head back so he could look at me. I wiped at my eyes desperately, meeting his gaze. "I'm so sorry my love," he pulled me back in. He was speechless, I could tell.
Tears ran steadily down my face but I was no longer sobbing. "I never want you to feel unsafe with me. I will always protect you." I really did believe him, but I still just felt so horrified of Jake.
"I didn't move for three days, I just fucking lied there, frozen. I just felt so.... broken." I was staring into space, reliving it again and again. I was so fucking helpless it was sickening. "I don't want you to ever feel this pain baby, let me help you." I didn't know how he could help. "I don't think there's anything you can do. Just don't let go, please." He tightened his grip, "of course.
I felt so numb now. I had been in that room for three days when Jake came back in. I remember the sight of him sent me into a state of shock, I was so scared. But all he did was help me shower and made me a meal, like he was apologizing for what he did. It was sickening, and I really thought it meant he felt bad and maybe that he would change now.
Not even Sierra knew the extent of what happened that night, she just knew something awful had happened. "Thank you for letting me talk about it," I felt little to no emotion behind my words, I felt disgusting. It was like I had been repressing it for so long and then I felt it all and now I'm numb.
"I'm glad you felt you could tell me." He wasn't pushing anything and I was thankful for that. "Mitchel, I'm really glad you came into my life." I was still staring blankly into the window of the bus. "If I ever see him again I'll kill him. I swear I will." It was almost a comforting statement in the worst way. I knew he was completely serious. "Hopefully, neither of us ever have to see him again."
I leaned into his chest, turning my legs back around so my back was to his chest and I could watch The Office. I wanted it off of my mind so bad. Mitchels arms were around my waist and I wanted nothing more than to stay here forever, with him.
I fell asleep on him before the sun came up, and woke up to see he had fallen asleep too. I checked my phone to see it was about 8 in the morning, the bus was still moving. I checked maps to see we were about an hour from the venue still.
I got on my phone and checked Twitter, seeing notifications and messages from a lot of different people. I saw more posts about Mitchel and I, some of them were very sweet. He had posted the picture he took of us in the shopping cart last night but I found it really cute. You could tell I was laying on his chest, and I was covering my face with one hand and had the bottle of alcohol in my other. He had a giant smile on his face and it made me smile softly to myself. He put the caption 'fuckin cutie' and that made me stomach flutter.
I still couldn't believe he was mine, the word 'boyfriend' suddenly sounded wonderful when it came to him. I hardly remembered our fight from the night before, just that it had happened and now we were officially dating. I made sure to save the picture to my phone before scrolling through more things.
One post said 'imagine being in love like this' and attached several pictures of Mitchel and I. The words 'in love' imprinted in my brain. I hadn't really thought about being 'in love' with Mitchel. We had hardly known each other a month, there was still so much more to learn about him. I felt like I knew so much about who he is, about his anxiety's and emotions. I had felt them too and we just connected so easily, getting to know him was like getting to know myself in a way. Maybe I did love him. I guess I haven't really known true love before, and I didn't want to mess anything up.
One of the notifications was a screenshot from the stupid confessions account. The confession read 'I don't think Mitchel and Kayla are together. I think they're just fucking around and she's like a groupie or some hoe they have with them for a couple weeks.' Ouch. The person that had posted it said 'why would Mitchel post about her and talk about her constantly, brag about her, introduce her to fans, and literally have her on tour with them if they were just fucking around lmao y'all in denial'.
I smiled softly, it was honestly wild they hadn't all come to terms with it. I still had countless message requests asking if I was dating Mitchel.
I opened my camera and took a picture of me kissing him on the cheek, I was careful not to wake him. 'smooch' I captioned it and tagged him before posting it on twitter. He looked really soft in this picture and I wanted to wake him up and kiss him. I didn't thought because I'm a good girlfriend who knows her boyfriend doesn't sleep as much as he should.
Saying girlfriend and boyfriend was much more fun than I gave it credit for.
With Jake it seemed like an obligation, but with Mitchel it felt like a privilege.
Our fight seemed so pointless now, stupid fucking alcohol. What he had said last night still hurt in a way, but I wouldn't hold it against him. I couldn't stay mad at him.
I had been added to a few random chase atlantic group chats and occasionally I would drop into them and see what they were saying. Usually nothing too crazy, just them talking about the boys or how they're meeting them soon. I was interested in the things their fans said that the boys couldn't see if that made sense. I clicked on the first one I saw in my DMs, to see they were very active. There were like 30 of them and I swore they were all talking at once. Someone sent the picture I posted of Mitchel just moments ago. 'LOOK HOW CUTE OMG MY HEART' I smiled at the comment. A few people said other sweet things all along the same lines.
Then someone said 'unpopular opinion but I don't like them together at all.' Did they forget I was literally in this group chat or what? A bunch of people asked why and I wanted to know as well. 'She seems really off to me idk. like they met in new york and then a few weeks later they're dating and and she's literally following them on tour. she constantly posts about him and wears merch and goes out to meet fans on her own. it's seems like she's using him for clout to me. It makes me mad tbh, she's playing him and there's nothing we can do about it but sit around and watch.'
What the fuck?
I wanted to say something. How bad is it if I say something? I'm going to say something.
The fact that she thought I was using for him clout and attention disgusts me. I typed out 'I have nothing but respect and adoration for Mitchel and his work but that is not the reason I am with him. Honestly, it's none of your business but I'm with him because he has such an amazing, caring soul and I really enjoy his company. He's quite literally my best friend and the fact that you would accuse me of that actually makes me sick to my stomach. We've been through some shit together and I won't let you sit on your phone and talk about us like that. You don't have to like us together but at least be respectful. You don't have near enough facts, or know us well enough to have an opinion.' I sent it. Oops.
There's no going back now, I'd tell Mitchel whenever he woke up.
The group chat blew up, everyone defending me which I was very thankful for. 'she SNAPPED' and 'go off sis!' filled my DMs and honestly it was a little overwhelming. The girl I had responded to privately DMed me, saying she didn't mean any disrespect and that she just made a call based on what she had seen and some other bullshit. Basically she tried to kiss my ass because she got called out. I didn't answer.
The screenshot of my paragraph circled around twitter very quickly, but everyone was nice and supportive of me. I felt Mitchel shift under me, I turned my head to see his eyes fluttering open.
"Goodmorning," he yawned, stretching his arms over his head. "Goodmorning," he wrapped his arms back around me. "I might've done something," he laughed at my words. "What did you do?" I relaxed into his chest, we had really been in this spot for a long time. "I went off on somebody on Twitter," he widened his eyes in surprise. "Who? What'd they say? What'd you say?"
I unlocked my phone to show him. I showed what the girl had said about us and he just shook his head, "they don't know shit about us." I laughed, "exactly. But it really got on my nerves that she said I was using you. So I may or may not have said this," I showed him the paragraph. "Awh baby that's sweet. You think I have a caring soul?" He poked fun at me. "No, I think you're a jerk but they can't know that." I giggled. "Oh I see how it is. You're just using me for the clout huh?" I pulled his arms tighter around me. "Yep, it's not because I like you or anything like that." He laughed, "I figured."
I had almost forgotten about my tragic confession to him last night. He was acting the same and I was so fucking grateful for it. If he has started treating me differently I would've freaked out.
"Mitchel you mean the world to me," I pulled his arms tightly around me. "People say a lot of fucked up shit but just know none of it's true except that I really care about you." He snuggled his head into my neck, making me giggle. "I know, babe. You gonna go off on everyone that talks shit?" He chuckled lightly. "No, that one just really made me mad. She had no right to say those things about us, she doesn't know shit." He nodded, "some people are insane."
"Also, I posted another picture of you." I giggled. "Let me see," he chuckled. I unlocked my phone and showed him the post. "Awh, it's actually kind of cute." I nodded my head, "I know."
"I would say we should get up but there's literally nothing to do, the bus is still moving." He chuckled softly, "Ooh, let's get the stuff from Target last night." I got up and grabbed the bags. "Okay let's see, we have more paint, glow sticks, balloons, glitter, socks, and a lot of food." I laughed.
He sat up and I saw on the couch across from him. "Why did we think this was a good idea?" I shrugged, "seemed like a great plan at the time." We sorted through the items. "What the hell are we supposed to do with this?" I laughed and he shook his head, "I have no clue."
"Let me change into something else before we get into anything." I was wearing the t-shirt from yesterday and my nike shorts still. "Why? I like you in my shirt." I laughed, "just let me change, I can't wear the same thing every day." I grabbed my bag and returned to the back room. I didn't even think twice before lifting his shirt over my head, only to look to see his eyes shamelessly scanning my body. I put on a small, plain black tube top that didn't cover much more than my boobs. I took off the athletic shorts and replaced them with my jean shorts, rolling my eyes at the way Mitchel looked at me while I changed.
"There," I said looking down at my outfit. "Now we can do whatever you want." He smiled, meeting me eyes. "Whatever I want?" Cheeky. "I didn't mean it like that you pervert," he laughed loudly. "Now actually, what should we do until we get there?" I questioned. "Lets just watch a movie or something."