I feel my heart leap out of my chest and I stand up slowly sliding my door open. He's there. On the stoop, leaning his shoulder against the wall. I try to stammer out a 'hello' but it comes out as a squeak. He grabs my hand and pulls me over and I immediately melt into him. I never understood that phrase before.
He smiles down at me and I feel his breath on his cheek. This is it. The thought of germs swirls around in my the mind and I squeeze my eyes shut, pulling away ever so slightly. Why can't I just get over this?
"What's wrong?" he asks quietly.
"Germs," I tell him. "I have a fear of germs."
"Oh, is that all?" he asks with a hint of amusement in his voice.
"All?" I cry out incredulously, "What do you mean all?"
"I just thought you must secretly find me repulsive."
"Wait," I say with a sudden bolt of inspiration. I grab his hand and lead him into the bathroom. My bathroom, of course, it's the only one in which the mirror is fully covered. I crouch down and open the cupboard, grabbing out a toothbrush.
I have an endless supply of toothbrushes under there because I need to use a new one every week. If I keep the same one any longer than that, I'm afriad it'll be covered in germs and make me sick and all of them have little caps to protect them. I can't have them just sitting in the open air. Not in a bathroom, what with all the disgusting things in the air? No way.
I pass it to him, "Here," I say. "Could you please brush your teeth first?" He laughs but complies. I sit on the edge of the bathtub and rest my pale cheeks against my palms. He finishes brushing and turns to face me.
"Good now?"
"Your tongue," I say.
"What?"
"You need to brush your tongue."
"Brush my tongue?" A look of confusion passes over his face.
"Yeah." I smile. He just shrugs and does as I say. Next, I grab out the mouthwash and make him rinse with that too. I'm afraid I've killed any romantic tension we had.
"Okay, so now is it good?" he asks smiling.
"Perfect," I laugh. He pulls me in by my waist and grins. I lean into him easily, glad to have the worry of germs gone from my mind. The next thing I know, his lips are pressed against mine. He kisses me right there in the middle of my bathroom. I feel dizzy.
Everything goes hazy and I can hardly think. He has one of his hands tangled up in my hair and I run my fingers down his arms. He tastes like peppermint and oranges and sunshine and fairy floss. I didn't know kissing could be like this.
I pull back and he runs his hand through my hair. It feels like I've been hit by a bolt of lightning.
"Am I going to have to do that every time I want to kiss you?" he asks in bemusement.
"Yes," I giggle back. I'm laughing about it but it's honestly true. There is no way I'm ever going to kiss him when he has germs all over his mouth.
"It's worth it for you," he says, winking. "Goodnight then, Lavender." His voice is husky and I can't even gather myself enough to reply. He winks and me and disappears around the corner. I stumble to my room feeling frazzled. I'm in a dreamy haze and I collapse on my bed.
My first instinct is to call June and gush to him about it but as soon as I grab my phone I realise what a bad choice that would be. After those drawings, I just don't know anymore. Instead, I call Jade. She screams and soon as I tell her.
"Ahhh!" she cries and I hold the phone away from my ears to protect my hearing. I just have to laugh. After I lengthy phone call, she finally lets me go.
I make myself one of June and I's special banana splits. I feel a little guilty eating one when he's not around but if he came over now, I know I wouldn't be able to keep everything to myself. I don't want him to get hurt by hearing all about Patty and I. I'm so confused now.
Patty. I feel a spike of panic. It took this long for it to hit me.
I just have to tell myself that whatever happened between us was nothing. It was just a kiss. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just a mix of hormones and pheromones or something. A bunch of stupid biology chemical reactions in my body that are making me feel this way. I take a deep breath.
I think in a way, I tell myself that because it makes it less real. If I can just write off my feelings as a bunch of science then it doesn't have any meaning. Then I don't have to deal with it. It's a subconscious way of protecting myself.
I'm sitting with Jade at lunch the next day sharing a plate of fries like usual. She's telling me about her date with Rose. They are still going steady and she is happier then I've ever seen her. I suddenly see a devilish grin spread over her face. She staring intently over my shoulder. "Your boyfriend's here," she says.
"Patty? What? He's not my boyfrie-" I turn around to see him standing behind me. His hair is dishevelled as usual and he has his hands in his pockets.
"Hi," he says. Before I can reply, Jade butts in.
"I heard all about your little make-out sesh last night. Apparently, you're a good kisser." She smirks at me and starts laughing. Patty just raises his eyebrows. I go bright red and look down at my plate. I stumble over my words.
"Hi, Patty. Uh, ignore her." I seriously want to slap her right now. She's more embarrassing than my parents were. I glance over her shoulder and I notice June sitting a few tables down with his friends. He's watching me intently and I feel really uncomfortable. Patty sits next to me and slides his hand around my waist.
"You look really pretty today," he whispers it in my ear and Jade almost chokes on a fry.
"You disgust me," she says and picks up her tray laughing.
"No, wait!" I cry. She shakes her head and walks off. I know I'm going to be bombarded with questions about this later on.
"Patty," I whisper, "You can't do that here." I can feel the heat rising in my cheeks and I hope it's not as noticeable as it feels.
"You're my girlfriend. I want everyone to know that." Wait, what? I pause and look at him.
"That's the first I've heard of it," I say slowly. Now he's blushing and he backtracks quickly.
"I mean, you don't have to be. Only if you want to. Do you want to be? It's okay either way-" I smile and interrupt him.
"I mean, yes. But slow, remember?"
"Yeah sorry, I know. Wait, yes?"
"Yes," I confirm, smiling down at my lap. I glance up at him. "There's something I haven't told you."
"What is it?" he asks, looking a little lost.
"Not now. I'll explain later." I didn't mean for that to sound so ominous.
"Ok?" he says looking a little concerned. I smile up at him so he won't be worried. It works because he smiles right back. "See you around then." He has the biggest grin on his face. He walks away but he keeps turning back to look at me. I smile back at him and fiddle with my necklace.
'get back here right now' I text Jade. She only moved a few tables down and when I look up at her, she's already grabbed her tray and is beelining towards me. She slams it down.
"What the hell was that?" Her voice is full of cheek.
"He's my boyfriend." It feels surreal even saying it aloud.
"Lavender!!!!" she says way too loudly.
"Jade!" I hiss and she falls silent, "Stop embarrassing me."
"But that's my job!" I roll my eyes at her but inside I'm pissed. I mean, her comment to Patty was one thing but she didn't need to yell that out over the whole cafeteria. I hope Patty didn't hear.
"You're lucky I love you," I say laughing. I've learnt by now that being friends with her means you just have to accept these kinds of situations will happen. It's just who she is, as annoying as it is sometimes.
I look past her again and I see June is looking right at me. He has stopped eating and he looks upset. He picks up his tray and walks right past me to the door without even making eye contact or saying hello.
My mood instantly drops. Is he upset with me?
I sigh in frustration. I mouth a sorry to Jade and follow him out. He drops his tray above on an empty table and walks right out. I follow him out into the hall which is empty.
"June," I call out. He keeps walking. "June!" He stops and turns to face me.
"Just go away, please?" he asks. I walk up to him and he looks at the ground.
"Are you seriously mad at me?" I can't believe this.
"No. I'm not mad, Lavender." I almost wish he was mad. That at least, is an emotion that I know how to deal with.
"What's up with you then?"
"You know what's up. Don't be dumb." He's biting his lip.
"Look, June."
"I know," he cuts in, "It's fine okay. Everything's fine. I'm not going to add all my baggage onto your plate, k? You got enough going on." It's obviously not fine. I remember saying the same thing to him when I was almost about to burst into tears. He starts walking away again but I follow him.
"June!"
"I've said to leave me alone. You can make your own decisions and if you want to be with Patty you can, but just not in front of me. You know I don't like him."
"What so I can't talk to my boyfriend at lunch?"
"He's your boyfriend now?"
"You have a problem with that?"
"No." He runs a hand through his hair, "Can you just go?" His tone is harsh.
"Fine," I say.
"No, wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that." He rubs his temples and takes a deep breath, "I think it's nice you have someone you really like. It's cool with me."
"Thank you," I mumble. It means a lot to hear him say that even if he doesn't totally mean it. He hugs me and I lean my head on his shoulder. I don't want to keep hurting him but I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Patty makes me so happy. He pulls back and looks intently in my eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm trying my best to be okay with it. I just really care about you and I don't want you to get hurt."
"No, I get it. I just don't understand why."
"I don't trust him. He's been with girls before and it's always ended badly. I know how hard it is for you to open up and I don't want him to abuse that."
"You don't know him like I do," I say.
"And that's why I'm trusting you to make your own decisions. Just be careful."
I'm never not being careful.