There was this guy
Tall
Chocolate
Funny
And he worked for the same company in the airport that I did
We met in August and somewhat immediately we hit it off
My coworkers would always catch him staring at me when I was working
And they would tell me that he liked me
But nobody that was that attractive liked me
Or so I thought
until one day he actually hugged me and asked me to wait on him after work
Obviously I did
He walked me to the train station and asked for my number
And that same day he asked me if I wanted to hangout
That hangout turned nothing,
into us sitting down in the food court at work
Discussing our boundaries
and telling each other that we were going to be friends with benefits
But no one could catch feelings
And at first it was easy
But then I started getting used to him and how he was
Until he started treating me like his girlfriend
Taking me home from work
Meeting my entire family
Holding my hand
Kissing me
Cuddling me
Taking me to the barbershop with him while he got a haircut
Even the day of hurricane Irma
He lived in Buckhead and I lived in Decatur and he took me all the way home
And sat with me through a hurricane instead of going home
It was all honestly really confusing but I knew where I stood
He was in love with his best friend and I knew this because he told me
He wanted her to have his kids
They agreed on it
Even knowing that whenever she called him, he left me
And I still ended up liking him
The day that I told him that I liked him was also the day that I told him we had to cut off all sexual ties
Because Without knowing it I had fallen into the deepest hole of depression
Drinking and getting high everyday just so I didn't have to feel that pain
The hurt
It was worse than anything I had ever felt in my life and I just wanted it to stop
Drinking whole bottles of wine
Gin straight
Vodka straight
I isolated myself from everything
I was alone and I knew I was going to be alone for the rest of my life
But I was a good person I deserved SOMETHING
But being that alone made my heart feel like it wasn't beating
And that light that was dimming before?
It was completely gone.
What else did I have to live for ?
I would never find anybody who would love me, because I was so fucked up
Mentally
Emotionally
Physically
No one wanted me
No one loved me
And I damn sure didn't love myself