There was somethin' bout that kiss, girl, it did me in, it got me thinkin', I'm thinkin'.
Growing up, I always said my goal was to find a Prince Charming; someone to have and to hold all the days of my life. Someone to protect me when bad things happen. Someone to care when the entire world shifts. Someone who wants me just as much as I want them.
As I grew older, this goal became unfathomable, unreachable. Men didn't care about me. Men didn't want me for who I truly was. And I always tend to think with that thing in my chest rather than the thing in my head.
I think love, despite how desperate everyone is to find it, is one of the most difficult things to obtain and because of this, when you find it, you tend to think it's not real. You look for any reason as to why someone could actually love you and when you realize you've had that love that everyone prays for, you've let it slip through your fingers.
For some people, you find that person and your entire being becomes whole and it's like your entire world finally makes sense, but I never got that feeling. At least not with someone I should have.
•
"Bad boys are dangerous." I hate my best friend in this moment. Another day. Another wasted conversation where my blasphemous actions are blasted for the world to hear. "They tell you what you want to hear and the next minute, they're gone."
Harry.
That's who she is referring to. The one boy in town who managed to sweep me off my feet and then when he saw fit, drop me right on my ass.
I didn't mean to fall in love with him. It just happened.
He warned me, though. Damnit, did he warn me.
•
"Who's that?" I muttered to my raven haired best friend. She looked across the crowded club, where the tall, slender, curly haired man resided.
His eyes, although darkened by what I assumed was the alcohol and the strobe lights, seemed to glimmer a deep shade of jade in this toxic space.
"Him?" She pointed. "That's Harry Styles. Stay far away from that lad." I cowered, shocked by the name. Fitting. He matched the name perfectly, but with that name brought wonder, mystery.
"Why?" I continued moving to the music.
"He's trouble."
Later that night, she grew tired and wanted to leave. I already decided where I'd be for the remainder of the night.
He hadn't kept his eyes off of me since I spotted him and boy did I want to know why.
"Go ahead and head back, I'll catch a ride with Lou!" Her face said it all, she was terrified, but her sleepiness took over and she left me with my dangerous mission.
I approached him. His eyes still following my small movements.
"Harry, right?" He looked taken aback by my statement, as though no one had ever addressed him by name before. He nodded. I pushed my loose curls away from my face and introduced myself.
He reached his hand out and just before I went to shake it, he snaked his hand to the small of my back, pulling me forward. My chest hitting his and my eyes immediately sunk to the floor. His other hand, the one I could've swore was holding a drink just moments before grasped my chin delicately. His calloused hand stroking my soft skin to meet his gaze.
"Nice to meet you. I've been watching you." His smirk was terrifying, but welcoming and despite everything in me telling me to run, I stayed. "I'm dangerous, don't you know?" I shook my head vigorously.
"You don't seem dangerous to me." I smirked back.
"Oh, believe me, darling. I'm not the right man for you."
•
He bewildered me. And from that night on, I saw him everyday.
"Do you think we need a kettle?" Moving in with your best friend is an odd situation; deciding what was necessary and what wasn't was proving to be a difficult feat. We only had so much money for inessential spending.
"I'm not sure. Why don't we separate and get what we feel is necessary and then meet back up and sort?" She nodded and we separated.
Toilet paper holder, bath mat, small cabinet for medicinal things.
All of my things tumbled to the floor as I collided with a hard body. I pitied myself for being such a cliché. Fumbling to pick up my things, I frantically began to apologize.
"Oh sweet girl, it's alright." That deep voice filled my ears as I saw him putting my bath mat into a trolley. "You should really use one of these, they're quite helpful for clumsy little birds like yourself." That damn smirk.
•
He didn't seem to leave my side after that. That day in the shops proved to be his mojo ammunition and I couldn't get enough of his darkened exterior. He was so magnificent to me. Everything about him just seemed so different and I couldn't get enough.
He on the other hand, didn't understand me or why I wanted him so badly. Quickly, his insecurities peeked through.
"I don't get it. Why do you want me?" His hands frantically combed through his already disheveled hair. "We are sitting on the hillside because we can't be seen together and you're happy! I don't understand you."
For the first time in our relationship or whatever this was, I was seeing him become vulnerable. His legs curled up so his knees were pulled into his chest and his head ever so delicately placed itself atop them.
He was pouting, but he looked so peaceful, despite every fiber of his being questioning why I adored him.
We couldn't be seen together. Not after all that happened in his past, at least not yet. He wasn't ready and I respected that.
"I do this because I care for you. I like you and I enjoy getting to know you. I want you. All of you. In every way I can. And if that means sitting on the hill alone or pulling away from a kiss if we hear a noise or running away to the next town over for dinner, then so be it." His head turned to me. His childish position still stood.
"I'm so bad for you." I rushed to pull him into my side, he uncurled just enough to cuddle into me. "I'm broken, baby. I hurt everyone I care about."
His mum left him when he was young. His dad was all he had, but when he crashed his car last year, after a drunken night out, everyone saw him as a monster who didn't care for anyone's life but his own. His dad did everything he could to save his reputation, but Harry gave up. He told his dad he'd move out, save him the embarrassment. I'm not sure who it hurt more.
They didn't see him the way I did.
"Harry." I beckoned. He shook his head no. "Please look at me." His jade eyes, glistening with tears, although he'd never admit it, finally penetrated my own. "You're not your mistakes. You're not everyone's opinions. You're not your past." The tear that managed to spill, I decided to wipe away, but I continued quickly before he could feel he was weak. "You're not broken. You're fixable. And I want to be the person to do it." His smile finally emerged and I knew from that day forward, I would do anything, everything to make sure it stayed that way.
•
"Why are you with him?" Louis finally found out. I am not sure how, but he did and he was furious. "He could've killed someone last summer! It could've been me, or God forbid you! And you want to pursue a relationship with that guy!" His eyes gleamed with fury and everything in me needed to stand up for my Harry, but I couldn't do it without saying things I knew I'd regret, so I left.
I went to the only place I knew I'd never be judged.
"Baby?" His husky sleep voice calmed me. "What are you doing here so late?" I was the only person besides his dad who knew where he lived. The only other person who knew his top secret location. "Have you been crying?" I didn't answer a single question. I just walked in and did as I always did. Placing his worn t-shirt from the day over my head. I cuddled into his warm side and forgot all the nights harsh realities.
•
Pounding. It's what I remember most. That dreaded pounding. I heard Harry answer and then a crunch.
Running to my Harry. I saw it. The blood on his lip, slowly dripping to his chin. Contrary to my thoughts, his sinister smile seeped to his injured face and he was off. On top of Louis, punching him over and over. Jab after jab. I just watched.
I was petrified. In all my moments with Harry. I never feared him until now.
He was going to kill him if I didn't stop him.
"Harry." I begged. No avail.
"Harry please." All I hear is skin against skin. My eyes tightly shut. I screamed his name over and over. He just kept hitting Louis. I was scared and worried. I didn't know what else to do, so I screamed what my heart was saying, "Harry. You're scaring me!" Silence. Only heavy breathing and my heart pounding could be sensed.
"Do you see! He's psychotic." No.
"Shut up, Lou! You came to his home and hit him first!" Harry looked at me as though I shot his puppy.
"He could've killed me!"
"You're standing just fine now! Go home, Lou!"
"Not without you!"
And just as I went to shout 'no', Harry's breathless voice echoed over mine, "Go with your brother." I shook my head. I wasn't leaving. Not like this. "Go. We were fools to believe this could ever work." He wiped his bloodied knuckles on his joggers and walked toward the stairs. I did all I knew to do and that was rush to his frame and cling to his waist. His arms wrapped around me. "It's not safe for you. To be with someone like me." I shook my head into his chest.
"Don't do this." I begged. "Fight for me."
"I'm not fighting anymore. I give up." His grip loosened on my waist. "You deserve better. Everyone knows it, including us, you're just too prideful to say it."
"I love you." I said. I had been working up all of my might to say it, but his response terrified me and I knew if I was going to leave this house, whether by choice or not, I was not leaving without saying what I knew was right.
"I told you not to fall in love with me." Looking into those eyes, I saw pain, anguish. "You can't love me."
"But I do!" I screamed.
"I told you I was dangerous. I'm a bomb, I'm just waiting to go off. I destroy everything in my wake and I won't have you be one of those things." He grabbed my arms, placing them at my sides. "Forget about me." He walked up the steps. "Goodbye, darling."
•
I never forgave Louis for what he did. It has been years since that dreaded day.
As my best friend recalls all of my mistakes to our 'friend' table, I wonder what Harry has been doing. How he's been, I want to know where he went after that day.
I ran to our place. So many times. He was never there.
"You deserves better." Some random girl that I should know mutters. She knows nothing about him. About us. I deserve Harry.
I walk to our mountain later that night. I always bring his favorite. A black coffee and gummy snacks. The weirdest combination, but something that always made him smile.
I think I am seeing things, when I see that silhouette lying facing the stars.
"Harry." I whisper. The silhouette tenses. "Please tell me it's really you." I beg. He stands to his feet. His hair, although longer, and pushed back by what I believe is a shirt sleeve, is still curly. And his eyes, although further than I would've liked, are still glistening green pools.
"It's me." His voice.
"Where have you been?"
"Around." I nod. "I never stopped watching after you. Believe me when I say that." I nod yet again. "How have you been?"
"You want the truth?" He nods. "I'm a mess." I begin to sob. He steps closer to me, not breaking the barrier I assume is there being as he hasn't touched me. "I miss you. With all of my being."
"I told you to forget me." I shake my head ferociously.
"You think it's that simple? Just forgetting the only boy I've ever loved. The only person who made me feel safe."
"I'm dangerous. I would've hurt you."
"Oh stop! For goodness sake, Harry! Get over yourself! I need you. I want you. You protect me. When shit gets rough, you make it worth it. You're not dangerous. No matter what your dad or Louis or the town says!"
"I saw your face that day! You were terrified of me! That was only the tip of the iceberg that is Harry Styles! I would've ruined you!"
"Then let me be ruined! I would rather live a life where I'm alone with you then a life where you aren't mine." He finally touches me. His hand reaching out for my own. "I loved you. You just left me."
"I can't count the times I almost said what I wanted to say to you, but I didn't." Leaning his forehead to connect with mine. "I'm crazy about you." I missed him so much. "I'd be lying if I said I could live this life without you."
"So don't." I beg. "Stay."
"You had my heart a long, long time ago." I finally smile. For the first time in years, I smile. "I love you."
ROMANS 12:1