I had a constant ache in my stomach, right next to the baby as I tried to focus on what I did have - a gorgeous, fine fiancé, loving sister and mother, a healthy pregnancy, and a bright career. No matter how I soothed myself with those thoughts, the fight with Zena loomed. She had been my best friend forever and we used to see each other every day as children, and several times a week as adults until she moved to L.A. Up until we fought, we spoke on the phone at least once a week. Zena was fam and now she didn't want to even go to Jamaica with us. Montana still wanted to go even though Tarik told him that he and Zena had opted to take that vacation later. He said that the first time ended so badly for us that he wanted a do-over for my birthday. I argued we have a lifetime of travel and I had so much on my plate with submitting paperwork for graduation though the ceremony wouldn't be until December, Deja's travel to Atlanta in two days, and his busy schedule. Montana insisted that we should still go and just love on each other for my birthday. Besides, he argued, he wouldn't be able to travel with me when the season began in early fall.
My cell rang as I sat at the desk we added to Montana's room. I had to do some corrections to briefs I prepared and once I finished, I would be officially done with law school and time to begin studying for the bar. I leaned back when I saw Carrie's number. We hadn't spoken much lately. She'd called to congratulate me, but she had been too busy taking care of her baby and finalizing her divorce for the type of idle chatter we used to have.
"Hey, what's up?"
"Why didn't you tell me that you and Z not speaking?" Carrie accused.
"It's only been a few days and you know me and mama traveling with Deja to Atlanta this weekend. She asked me to go with her at the last minute after bragging, she didn't like goodbyes and she and mama could handle it on her own."
"So? You would have called me the minute you got off the phone. Are you still angry with me?"
"No...it's just different and honestly I think we've both been too busy to just chill."
Carrie sighed loudly. "Yeah, you're still mad. Zena told me you didn't want me to be in your wedding and that's why you and she got into it."
"Is that the only reason she told you?"
She said sharply, "Yes. And at least she still has my back."
I rubbed my belly, a new habit that I now had whenever I became tense. "It's not like that. I do have your back and care about you. Montana still has some sort of feeling toward you after what happened at Z's wedding and then after Everette did what he did. I actually think if we get married sometime next year, he'll feel better about you and you could be in the wedding."
"Wow. Zena's right, you really taking his side about this?"
"You know what? My head already hurts because of Zena, who really is only mad because Cali is in the wedding. Did she tell you that's what made her angry? She wasn't really defending you. She told me that since Montana didn't want you in the wedding then I need to get rid of Cali because she would be uncomfortable. And she didn't understand why her comfort wasn't as important as Montana's."
"What? Did she really say that? But he's going to be your husband," she surprisingly responded. "Okay, she tripping."
"Thank you." The tight bands around my head loosened. "Carrie, you know I love you. I just didn't want to cause confusion. My future husband has a temper and is jealous of Everette."
"Montana doesn't need to be. I confronted Everette about his behavior and he admitted that he was only trying to get at Montana. He swore that he doesn't have feelings for you. He said that he just missed the family and you're always nice to him. He told me to apologize for him because he was too embarrassed to see you again. And I guess I was jealous that he kissed you and he barely wanted to touch me."
"I swear I never did anything to lead him on and he had never even looked at me differently until that night."
"That's what he told me. I'm sorry for ever doubting that you would ever do something like that to me."
"So, you okay with not being in the wedding?"
"Am I invited to the wedding?"
"Of course."
"Then, I'm fine. Zena made it seem like you didn't ask me because you were still angry with me. I understand about Montana. I hate it but I get it. Maybe in time he can see me without associating me with Everette and drama."
"He will. He's my family now like you've always been. We'll get through it."
"When is the wedding anyway?"
"I don't know if I can wait until next November, which is our dating anniversary but kind of want to wait until after I have the baby. My nose already spreading across my face and I can tell I'm not going to be cute like you were when you were pregnant."
"Jas, you're always beautiful."
I twirled in my chair and looked around Montana's/guest room. It smelled and looked like him, with his Nikes and workout clothes tossed around the room. Neither one of us were good at picking up after ourselves or had taken the time to get housekeeping, so our home was officially a mess. But it was our mess. I wanted to always be this happy. Montana had already flown out of town for one of his endorsement deals. And would be in and out of town until we headed to Jamaica for my birthday. I missed him terribly though he left this morning. What would I do without him? "Carrie, how are you really doing? I know how much Everette meant to you and you'd been together for years."
"I'm not the same. I miss him every single day. I keep thinking as time passes, it will get easier. It's been almost a year and I wake up crying every morning. I don't know how I let dick, that wasn't even that good, ruin my marriage to a good husband."
"I don't know whether to cry or cheer that you actually said 'dick'." I laughed trying to make my cousin feel better. "Seriously, yes you fucked up, but you have to forgive yourself. Is he still being hateful to you?"
"I realized Z was right, how can I possibly judge anyone for their mouth, when I committed one of the worst sins. Ev has been good. I think after what happened with you, and I cursed him out, he got it together. He's been cordial when we co-parent. Sometimes I think it's worse this way. Before, I knew underneath his anger and nastiness, he still wanted and loved me. Now he seems completely fine with our separation and I think he's even dating."
"Sorry Carrie, but maybe you should try and date, too."
"I have absolutely no interest in anyone else but Ev. My advice to you, do what it takes to keep your marriage strong and happy and never take each other for granted."
"Thank you for the advice. Now holding on to Montana for the long haul scares the hell out of me, I'm already feeling frumpy standing next to him."
"Jasmine, Montana has been crazy about you since he met you. I was there, remember?"
"Yes, but I was a size ten and even smaller when I saw him in Jamaica and now, I'm a twelve and expanding every day. This pregnancy is whipping my ass and I still have six months to go. What if I have trouble losing this weight? There's a reason some celebrity women don't want to have babies, you never know how you'll look after pregnancy."
"I know how you feel because I felt some kind of way about my weight gain. I'm fine now."
"Because you were already rail thin and now, you're petite with curves. I already been the chubby kid, had the womanly curves as a teenager and I can't lie I am worried about my weight after the baby. Montana dated model types before me."
"You're rich now. If you're that concerned, just hire a trainer who'll keep you fine. Stop worrying that man loves you no matter your size."
"I hope so. He's been such a fanatic about my diet. A part of me wonders if he's doing it for cosmetic reasons too. You know how men can be, especially an athlete, whose job is to be in the best shape."
"Maybe...nothing wrong with keeping yourself up. Just don't stress like I used to. I damn near had an eating disorder and I was tiny. Losing my marriage, woke me up to a lot of things, including perfection is impossible. And when we get off the phone, I'm calling Zena and tell her to stop tripping. As long as you and I are cool, I don't need to be in the wedding. And Tarik doesn't want Cali, so she needs to let that go. Cali's Montana only sister, she has to be in the wedding."
"Exactly what I said. Please talk sense to her. It got ugly and I hate not talking to her. You know she cancelled our trip to Jamaica?"
"She told me. That's why I called you. You two have never argued like this. It's always been me and her or you and me, but never you and Zena. I'll talk to her and make it right, okay?"
I smiled grateful for my cousin. For the first time since I argued with Zena, I felt like soon everything would be okay. If Carrie could understand and not have hard feelings about not being in the wedding, then Zena should be able to as well. Maybe we all could go to Jamaica together after all.
*****
The night before I would fly to Atlanta to get my sister settled in college, Montana and I were watching television in bed. He drew shapes on my belly enjoying each other's presence. "You do know that tickles?"
"Really?" His finger pressed harder. "Does this still tickle?"
"Yes." I smiled.
"No, it doesn't. You're not even moving when I touch you." He bent to kiss my belly and his mustache brushed against my skin and I moved instinctively. "See, now that's ticklish."
"Fine, it's making me want you and I'm too tired for sex. It's what you did on my back when we were in Dallas, enticing me to sleep with you."
He grinned. "It worked didn't it? You were so sexy that night, I had to have you. As soon as I looked down at you in the pink dress, I wanted you so bad, I couldn't wait to get to you. I wanted to punch that random you danced with."
"You still think I'm sexy?" I asked hating my old insecurity had reared its ugly head.
Montana frowned and moved from my belly to lean over my face. "Where's that coming from?"
I dropped my eyes from his. "Just answer."
"Hmmm...sometimes you are and sometimes not."
That stung and I felt tears behind my lids and I shut my eyes tight.
"Hey, I'm being honest. There are days, I can't keep my hands off you but every day I'm just happy you're with me." He tilted my chin and I opened my eyes. "You can't possibly think I'm sexy every day?"
"I do."
"Okay, what about the other day, when I wanted to have sex and you didn't because you were mad with me about...I don't even remember what the fuck you were mad with me about. But you hopped your happy ass in bed and went to sleep."
I rolled my eyes. "We were supposed to go out to dinner, but you couldn't stop reviewing plays all night. Of course, you forgot, because you thought it was idiotic for me to be mad."
"But was I sexy to you when you threw a pillow at me because I didn't hear you call my name?" He raised one brow.
"I'd called your ass, at least five times. This place ain't that big. You were ignoring me, and you know it."
Montana ducked his head to hide his smile that I still caught. "But was I sexy?"
"You get on my nerves. No...you were not. But when I'm not mad with you, I think you're so damn sexy."
"Baby, I have had some of the sexiest and beautiful women in the world and after a while, that gets tired."
I frowned. "Should I be offended?"
He laughed out loud before speaking, "Remember, you asked me that our first night together at the elevator."
"Yes, I do." I smiled at the memory when he told me he thought I was beautiful for the second time. "Seriously, what if I can't get the baby weight off, will you still think I'm sexy? You've never seen me at my biggest and I know I'm headed that way."
"We'll work out together. I already got you eating better. No worries. You're supposed to gain weight when you're pregnant."
I closed my eyes unsure if I liked his response. It still sounded like he wanted me to be smaller.
"Why the tears?" He wiped my cheek. I didn't even realize I had started crying.
"Hormones." I said and shifted away from him.
He picked up the remote and changed channels and didn't question my explanation, making me feel worse. I cried silent tears.
The next morning, I got up before him to get ready for my trip. He was headed to Vegas and I would be going to Atlanta but we were leaving out together. I looked in the mirror at my puffy eyes. I need to get rid of them before Montana sees them. I pressed a cool cloth under my eyes and brushed my teeth. When I rinsed my mouth and spit in in the sink, I screamed. Montana stood behind me looking at me through the mirror. "You scared me."
"Sorry." He rubbed his eyes and leaned against me to grab the mouthwash.
I watched him swish and spit out before he kissed my cheek and wrapped his arms around me. I turned my head to look at him. "I didn't think you would be up already."
"I wanted some time with you this morning. You fell asleep on me last night. What was that about?"
I shrugged my shoulders and looked down.
"I'm still learning about this communication thing and sometimes I fuck up. I realized that my answer about whether or not you're still sexy to me hurt you. Jas, look at us."
I studied our reflection. Montana needed a shave and his growing hair needed to be brushed. He only wore black boxer briefs and I slept in one of his long white tanks and I had my hair in two French braids. We were almost similar in skin tone and we both had a slight glow. His height and build were perfect for mine. I fit right under his chin. His dark eyes captured mine in the mirror and he smiled wide. I melted within his embrace and whispered, "We look perfect for each other."
"We do." I could see the sinewy muscles in his forearms when he tightened them around my waist. "Jas, I only meant that I've had sexy and though I think you are very sexy woman..." he kissed my neck slowly never breaking eye contact, "...it's not why I wanted to make you my wife. You're the realest woman I've ever known, you would love me even if I couldn't play ball anymore. In fact, you can give a shit about my money. I gave you three million and you've barely spent it except for this condo.
Montana then put his head next to mine and touched my womb. "And having my baby is the sexiest thing you have ever done for me. As I said last night I have been with beautiful women and like a lot of men I've been shallow and focused only on looks, but with you it's different. I have it all in one package. Brains, beauty, class, humor, grace, ambition, and above all loves me without reason."
My heart soared at his words and placed my hands over his. "Except I do have reason. You have proven time and time again, how much you love me, support me, and want nothing but the best for me and my family. I wouldn't be standing here frightened out of my mind that I could lose you, if I didn't have so many reasons to love you."
"I know you were crying last night, and I didn't know what to do or say. I didn't want to make it worse and then I did think maybe it's the pregnancy like you said. We're not going to lose each other. I want a lifetime with you."
I took a breath and gazed into his eyes through the mirror. "Even if I can't lose this baby weight."
His brow furrowed. "Is this what all this is about? Your weight?"
"Yeah. You met me as a smaller woman. I'm getting so big and..."
Montana squeezed me. "I told you we'll work out together and...
"So that means that you don't want me to get bigger."
"No, you don't want to get bigger. I'm only concerned about your health."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you become different when you worry about your weight. If you were confident no matter your size, I wouldn't care. You drew me to you, not your body. But you don't even feel good when you gain weight so I'm just being supportive. Not scared or worried about your weight but letting you know that we can do it together." Montana kissed my cheek. "Didn't I just say I want a lifetime? We both have to be healthy to get there. That's all I meant, okay?"
I exhaled deeply so grateful for this man who just made me love him more every day.
"And you know your mama fine. So, if that's what you're going to look like bigger, I'm down."
I popped one of his arms around my waist, happy, that maybe we really could have a lifetime. "Ugh. Don't talk about my mama. I got to keep one eye on you."
Montana grinned, pressed his hardness against my back and started lifting my shirt. "And right now, my tank on your sexy body is driving me insane...
*****
A few hours and a mind-blowing orgasm later, we were all together at the airport. My mama, Deja, Montana and I hung out in a private area reserved for celebrities or the elite who didn't want to be bothered with the masses. His flight would start boarding in a few minutes and he grabbed his leather Coach bag and put on his back. He put on shades and he already wore a cap. "I better head out, my gate is a nice walk and I got to hurry so no one sees me."
Deja eyes teared when he pulled her to her feet and gave her a brotherly bear hug and a loud smack on her cheek. "Love you, kiddo. Remember anytime you want to come home, call and we'll fly you home, okay? And I'll make sure your sister doesn't drive your car while you gone."
"Hey..." I protested from my chair next to hers, but knowing he was serious. No one, including myself, was comfortable with my driving skills.
"Love you back. Thank you, for everything. You're the big brother I always wanted." Deja stepped back wiping her eyes. "Now, I wished I chose a school here. I want to be around to see the baby."
Montana said, "Stop it. You'll be around bugging us and the baby in no time. Jas and I will be in town for the Hawks game in October. Atlanta is fun and you're going to love Spelman."
"And the men of Morehouse." She grinned devilishly.
"Deja, don't go down there and forget your purpose," I warned.
"She's going to be fine just like you were," Mama said. I know my mama meant well but she didn't know how I was out there bad for a minute trying to be loved no matter what I had to do. But then again, Deja wasn't me and always had self-confidence. My baby sister who had to mature fast to help me take care of our mother and earned a full ride to Spelman. Yeah, she would be just fine.
I tugged on the bottom of her Deja's hoodie. "Call me before you get serious about anyone, okay?"
Montana lifted me on my feet and patted my head. "Isn't she cute?" He laughed at my glare and he told Deja, "No, call me if you want advice on those dudes that all will be trying to holla at you. I'll let you know what's up."
"Definitely because Jasmine don't know shi...ouch, Mama. Ooh, I can't wait to get away from these two and their hard hands."
He put his arm around my waist but spoke to Deja. "Seriously, your leaving has been hard on your mama and Jas, though they're both trying to hide it from you. I'm here to watch over the both of them now so you go do you and if you ever need anything, you can call me. You're my little sister too. I know you're going to make us all proud because I'm already proud of you." His voice caught and I hid my head in his chest to hide my tears. "And I promise I'll make sure Jasmine lets you bring your car next seme..."
"Year," I corrected.
Montana simply winked and tugged on one of Deja's braids. She wiped her eyes and winked back at him. "Yeah, next year."
I pinched the side of his waist hard and he barely flinched as he bent to kiss me on my lips and rubbed my belly. "Call you tonight."
I rubbed his growing beard. "Okay. Love you and see you Wednesday."
I watched my love as he bent to hug my mother, who though she can walk short distances still needed a wheelchair. He then playfully tugged on Deja's goddess braids again and blew me a kiss on his way to his gate. It still amazed me how he fit so well within my family. I honestly think they would be more hurt if we broke up than I would be – okay maybe not more. When he walked through the doors, almost immediately a couple of women noticed him and asked for pictures. He smiled not flirtatiously so and stopped to talk to them. Unconcerned, I turned away to talk to Mama and Deja.
"You trust him, don't you?" Mama asked nodding in his direction.
I glanced at Deja who had put her headphones on and then Mama. "I really do. I don't even get nervous or worried like I used to whenever women approached him or were even near. I never thought I could trust a man so completely."
"I'm glad you opened your heart to love." My mother displayed her own twin dimples.
I poked one of them as I often did as a child. "Me too, Mama, me too."