"All men are afflicted with some burden or the other," he said, "and one can be fooled into thinking a fellow is uncaring when all he is, is heart-broken." Rehan Khan, A Tudor Turk
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Chapter XXI – New Normal
"I really wish you would have told me, Shea," I whispered after a while. I remembered him asking me about growing up without a dad on our first date, while we were talking down on the beach. And as I shared something deeply personal with him, he had known who my dad was, and what had happened to him.
"I wanted to, Sara. Believe me, telling you everything was what I wanted to do. I just thought I was doing the right thing by keeping you out of it. I hadn't counted on you being smart enough to work it out on your own." Shea paused and then frowned. "That was supposed to be a compliment."
I managed a small smile. I ran my fingertip over the page, outlining his smile with my nail.
"It wasn't my place, no matter how much I wanted it to be," he uttered quietly. "Your mom needed to tell you."
"I understand that," I uttered. "But I still can't help but feel lied to," I admitted. "Your heart was in the right place, but you lied to me." I watched as Shea's face fell from hopefully apologetic, to shameful. "If I am supposed to be this important person in your life, then I want complete honesty from you. My dad," my voice cracked, "he waited four years to tell my mom the truth. If he had been honest from the start, then maybe ... maybe, she wouldn't have taken me away from him. Maybe," goddammit, more tears, "maybe, he would still be here."
I was still feeling all kinds of confused with regards to my mom. She was not innocent here. She had lied to me for seventeen years. She had kept me from knowing about this man, this real person, my daddy, who loved me and wanted me.
"Sara, your mother was a frightened, twenty-year-old girl who had just found out monsters were real. Couple that in with pregnancy, and all the fears that come with that, I probably would have made the same decision were I in her shoes."
Shea and I both turned to the entrance of the living room. Standing there was a woman who could only be Shea's mom. What caught me immediately were her eyes. Her large, brown eyes, that were so incredibly sad. She was pale, and very slender, and probably the same height as Cece. Her hair was an ashy blonde, though there were sporadic greys, and it looked thin and wavy. She wore comfortable house clothes, sweatpants and a long-sleeved t-shirt, the sleeves only emphasizing how thin her arms were.
She looked like life was incredibly hard for her, and she looked on the wrong side of thin. I could see exactly why Shea felt the need to look after her.
This woman had lost her soulmate.
I then began to register exactly what she'd said to me.
"Mom, this is Sara. Sara, this is my mom, Karen," Shea introduced softly.
Karen managed a smile, as she walked into the room. "The last time I saw you, Sara, you still smelled like a newborn." Karen sat down on the armchair that was adjacent to the couch we were sitting on.
"It's nice to ... see you again, Mrs Braverman," I replied politely.
"Karen, please," she insisted. "Shea and Cece have talked about you constantly since you and your mother arrived back in Providence. I'm glad I could finally get to see how you've grown up. And you have done, beautifully."
"Mom," Shea hissed, but I quite enjoyed this change. His mother was embarrassing him. This was normal.
"Thank you, Karen," I said gratefully.
"I know this must be a shock for you. It would be a complete shock to anyone who wasn't born into it," she said with understanding. "But I don't want you to be too hard on Shea, or your mother. Both of them only want what is best for you.
"I knew your mother. Amanda and I were friends. And I have never seen anyone more afraid, and more completely out of their element than I had when your father brought Amanda into our pack to meet us all. He had wanted to for years, but he was afraid, and for good reason, it turned out.
"Amanda tried so hard to be a part of us. She really did. But she was a kid herself, with her own issues, and on top of that, she had found out that she was pregnant. Knowing that she was going to be a mother brought Amanda clarity, I think. The decision to protect your child above anything else is second nature to a mother. She did what she thought was best for you."
But how could taking me away from my father be what's best for me? "I understand where you are all coming from. I know that my wellbeing was at the forefront of all your minds, but it would have been nice to be consulted," I said quietly. "I don't want anyone deciding what is best for me. I decide." I stood up from the couch and took a deep breath. "Shea, can you take me home, please?" I asked.
Shea nodded and stood silently, an expression of apprehension on his face.
"It was really nice to meet you, Karen," I said sincerely.
"You as well, Sara. I hope to see you again soon," she replied, following us out to the front door.
The car ride back into town was a silent one. I could tell that Shea was tense and nervous. He had done something wonderful this afternoon, in showing me my dad, but he had also revealed yet another untruth. He knew who my dad was all this time.
I got it. I knew he was trying to protect me. Just like Mom was trying to protect me. But at the end of the day, they were still lying to me. Mom's lie ... Mom's was way worse.
Mom had lied to me my entire life. Starting from giving me wrong information about my father's death. She had told me he had died when I was two. From what I had learned, it sounded as though he had died shortly after I was born.
She had let me believe he was little more than a sperm donor by neglecting to tell me anything about him. She hadn't told me that she had been the one to leave him. She hadn't told me that he had wanted a family, or that he had been excited to be my dad.
And perhaps the biggest lie of all was that my DNA was ... well, I wasn't entirely sure what the hell was in my DNA. I certainly couldn't transform into a creature, but what would she have done if I had been able to? Leave meas well?
I knew that was ridiculous, but really, my Mom had a lot to answer for.
And Shea? I stole a glance sideways at him. His eyes were firmly fixed on the road. His arms were tense, and his hands were firmly placed at a ten and two o'clock position. I could tell that it was killing him not asking me questions or knowing what was going on inside my head.
I didn't even know what was going on inside my head.
Shea pulled up outside my house, and I saw that my mom's Mercedes was still there. She hadn't left. Shea cut the engine, and let his arms drop to his sides. I heard him exhale.
"Do you want me to come inside?" he asked softly.
"No," I replied. "I think it's best if Mom and I talk alone."
Shea nodded.
"I honestly think I'm okay with the lycan thing," I told him after a moment of silence. I didn't know how that was the easiest part of today to get over, but it was. "It's the lying that's really bothering me."
"I'm sorry, Sara," he said sincerely. "I don't know how to make it okay but to apologise."
In one day, I had both gained and lost a dad. This was mostly because of my mom's lies, but Shea had known. I knew his heart had been in the right place, and I knew it was Mom who needed to be the one to tell me, but it was still bothering me.
"Shea, you've got to give me some time to get my head around this, okay?"
He swallowed loudly and nodded, before turning to me. "I just want you to know that I'm not a monster, Sara," he said, his eyes filled with vulnerability.
It's not the same for humans, I repeated in my head. He must be so afraid right now. And that didn't sit right with me. "I know you're not, Shea," I assured him. I undid my seatbelt and leaned over, settling a soft kiss on his cheek. I heard him suck in a breath. "I am so grateful for what you showed me, for what you shared with me." I leaned back and said, "Just let me figure this out with my mom, and I will see you at school on Monday."
I had started off today feeling frightened of Shea, and unsure of what the hell he could do. But just by the look in his eyes, I could feel the intensity of his feelings for me.
Shea wanted to love me. Just as my dad had wanted to love my mom. And she had shattered his heart because of her fear.
I knew I wasn't in love with Shea yet, but I knew that I could never do to him what my mom had done to my dad. I was in possession of Shea's heart, quite literally.
I knew I would forgive him a lot quicker than in the time it would take to forgive my mom.
I climbed out of Shea's car and I made my way back inside, pausing to take a deep breath before I went through the front door. My heart was hammering. Shea, who was still parked outside my house, could no doubt hear it.
As soon as I crossed the threshold, I was hit with the scents of lemon and bleach. Mom had been cleaning. In the short time that we had lived here, I had never seen it look so tidy. Everything was straightened, and even the cushions on the sofa had the professional cuts in them to make them look staged.
She must have been going crazy.
I left my purse by the door as I heard footsteps coming down the stairs.
For the first time, ever really, I saw my mother look less than perfect. Her clothes were grimy. Her hair was messy. She was wearing no makeup, or, it had smeared off while she had been busy about the house. Her look was complete with rubber gloves and a bottle of industrial strength cleaner.
"Sara!" she said with relief when she saw me. Upon closer inspection, I could see that her makeup had come off through crying. Her mascara had run, and she had wiped it away with her hands, leaving a greyish black cast on her cheeks.
She quickly abandoned the cleaning agent on our coffee table and peeled off her rubber gloves.
Sniffing, she said, "I thought I had better give this house a proper clean as we haven't been too concerned about keeping up with it."
Mom was a wreck, and all I wanted to do was hug her. Damn it. I crossed the room and wrapped my arms around her, hugging her tightly. I had barely even touched her since we had fought about Shea, and it felt momentarily good to have some semblance of normalcy.
Mom cried. I think this was what we were doing now. Crying a lot. She hugged me hard, stroking my hair.
"You smell toxic," I muttered into her shoulder.
She laughed through her tears.
"I love you, Mom. But I'm still so mad at you," I added.
Mom pulled away and wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She nodded. "I know, I understand, Sara."
"I don't think you do," I replied. "I understand where you were coming from. You were trying to protect me. I get that. But in doing that, you took my father away from me. You took me, and you, away from Dad. He loved us. He wanted us. And, as if that wasn't bad enough, you never told me a thing about him! You let me believe that he was little more than a sperm donor. Someone we didn't need to bother mentioning. And the only thing that I knew about him was a lie. He didn't die when I was two. He died shortly after I was born!" I didn't mean to become so exasperated, but I couldn't help it.
Mom put her hands up defensively. "I know, I messed up, Sara. I'm not perfect, and I never claimed to be." Tears welled up in her eyes. "I know I lied. I took you away to protect you. But I lied to protect me." She ran her fingers through her hair as she tried to stay calm. "Talking about your daddy today has brought it all back to the surface. I grieved. I grieved hard. There were days when I could barely pull myself out of bed, but I knew I had to because I had a baby who needed me! I loved that man with everything that I had, and ..." her voice cracked as she put a finger under her nose, her lower lip wobbling, "and I put my grief and memories, both good and bad, and my love for him in a box a long time ago. I locked it up tight to protect myself, so that I could be the best mother I could be.
"When I left Providence, when I left Ronan, some part of me didn't think it would be for good. I didn't know I would never see my husband again. I didn't know my baby would never know her father. And when I got that news," Mom trembled, "I felt like I had died, too. So, no, I couldn't tell you about your daddy, because I wasn't strong enough to re-live it over and over again. And I know that it's terribly selfish of me, Sara, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, honey."
I saw a different side to my mom right in that moment. It was like she had become a widow in the space of a few moments. She suddenly reminded me of Shea's mom. But my mom never needed me to take care of her. At least, not in the dependent way. She had pulled herself together, masked her pain, and had gotten on with our lives. She had masked it so well, that I never knew she felt anything sad at all.
"I chose paediatric oncology because I wanted to protect the children of other frightened mothers and fathers, parents just like me. In my mind, and in reality, I had made you safe, and I wanted to help others do the same thing."
Oh my God. Now I felt like a terrible person for holding a grudge. Was this something that I just needed to get over? Everything logical inside me was telling me no, but I knew that this situation wasn't logical. That went out the window the minute I found out mythical creatures were real.
My mom was human, in every sense of the word. She made mistakes. She wasn't perfect. And she protected herself, which was the natural human instinct. But she also raised me by herself, while dealing with unimaginable grief.
I was proud of her, even if I didn't agree with her on every decision she had made for us.
I thought, like Mom, this was going to have to be something that I dealt with on my own. I couldn't ask her to bring up any more painful memories, as that would just be punishing her. What was done was done, and nothing, no amount of arguing or apology, was going to change that.
I hugged her again, this time in a nurturing, soft manner. She received it whole-heartedly, crying into my shoulder. "I love you, Mom," I whispered.
"Oh, I love you more, sweet girl," she replied with emotional conviction.
I hadn't forgiven her, but I couldn't punish her. This would be my burden.
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Hope you enjoyed it!
Still sooo much to come - including one of my favourite chapters of this book! It was actually the chapter that reminded me I had written this book. I was thinking about it and was like, "I really liked that part. Let me find it." I ended up bingeing this book and decided to give it to you guys to hopefully enjoy!
I'll let you know what part that is when I upload it ;) I'm pretty sure it's 2 chapters away I think. Let me check. *quickly flips back over to the word document and scrolls* OH NO I was wrong, it's the next chapter!! So you'll see that tomorrow. When I wrote it, I was really trying to .... hmm, no, I won't give spoilers hehehe.
But anyway, it is my favourite chapter of the book hehe. I'll be super offended if you don't like it ;) hahaha
Okay, see you tomorrowwwww.
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