The following afternoon, I meet Patty at the park. We start walking the circuit with the sun beating down on the backs of our necks. We have a brief chat before lapsing into silence, the only sound being that of our shoes crunching on the gravel.
I realize I don't really know much about him at all; like his interests, hobbies, family, likes and dislikes - yet somehow, I can't think of anything to say. It's then that I feel his knuckles brush against mine. I keep my eyes straight ahead and keep walking.
It's a simple movement but it has so much more meaning. Enough meaning that it could cause the sun to burn out.
"Lavender," he says, his tone hushed. He matches his speed to mine.
"Yeah?" I asl. The plants are singing to me.
"Don't be shy," he whispers. I can feel his fingers brushing against mine again. I pull my hand back and stop walking.
"I'd prefer we didn't." I let out a shaky breath.
"Okay," he replies meekly but he looks hurt. We start walking again. There is an incredibly awkward tension between us. I feel bad so I reach over and grab his hand. He smiles at me in surprise.
"You're really cool Lavender," he says. For some reason, I feel super uncomfortable by this compliment. Patty is such a nice guy. He's charming, funny and bright so why can't I just be normal around him?
"Thanks," I say awkwardly. I swear I can see the moon laughing at me. It's one of those days when it's slightly visible in the blue sky even though it's daytime.
The rest of the walk isn't too bad. We start talking again about school and our families. Once we get into it, the awkward silences seem to dissipate. I eventually slip my hand out from Patty's and he doesn't mention it to my relief. I honestly don't know how to navigate this whole situation.
I'm glad when we get to the end of the walk. This entire time I've been on edge, trying to monitor what I say and not give him the wrong impression. A long bubble bath sounds great right about now. I sit down on the swingset and glance up at him my legs swinging. I go higher and higher and he simply watches me.
"You wanna get frozen yoghurt?" he asks and I shake my head. "I can drive you home then if you like?" I feel like if I jumped off the swing right now I could fly.
"No thanks," I say. "It's a nice day and it'll only take me ten minutes to walk."
"Well okay then," he says and takes the swing next to me. We sit there in silence, only the creaking of the swings filling the void between us. A chasm of all the things we have left unsaid.
"I'm too scared to fall in love," I say but it simply comes out as, "This was nice."
"I don't want to just be your friend," he says, but I only hear, "Yup."
"Please don't be mad," I whisper but instead, I say, "Goodbye then."
"I'll wait for you." He tells me, only letting out a "See ya."
I wonder if he can hear the silent words too?
He waves and heads to his car and I breathe a sigh of relief. I really need to relax. Why am I so against the idea of being with Patty anyways? He is at least a genuinely good guy.
Everything is such a goddamn mess and I seem to only be making it worse.
After he leaves I sit on the swing for a bit staring up at the endless expanse of blue sky, wondering how I got myself into such a mess. Maybe cupid has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and he's just shooting his arrows in every direction? Muddling up everyone's feelings and thinking he's helping?
The next morning June is waiting for me by the gate again. I smile at him as I walk down the path. The air is breezy and the leaves are swirling by the roadside.
"How was Patty?" he asks me, as soon as I'm in earshot.
"He was great," I smile. He shakes his head at me; obvious disdain on his face.
"Honestly, Lavender. Why are you hanging out with him so much?"
"He's actually a very different person to how he appears at school."
"I really don't see how that could be. I would just be careful if I were you. You're too trusting sometimes," he says. I brush him off. I thought the same thing, but that was before I got to know Patty.
"He's actually a great friend," I tell him. He needs to get over this aversion towards him.
"Friend?" he scoffs, "does he know you're just friends?"
"It's not like that. Anyway, you know I'm never going to fall in love with someone. I've told you all my reasoning before."
"It doesn't work like that, Lavender. Falling in love isn't a choice. It just happens." He lets out a sigh and looks out across the road, "trust me, if it were a choice then I would not be putting myself through the pain of it."
"What are you talking about?" I ask genuinely confused.
"Nothing. it doesn't matter. Just be careful."
"I'm not stupid," I huff and walk ahead of him. He's treating me like some reckless child. He doesn't try to catch up. I arrive at school and on the way to class the drama teacher, Ms. Clarke stops me.
"Hello Lavender, I wanted to speak with you," she says. I glance nervously at my watch not wanting to be late for class.
"Don't worry about that, dear. I just thought it would be nice if you branched out a little. I have the perfect role for you in this year's school play if you'd be willing to take it and your artistic skills on the set would be of great benefit to us." I hesitate. She wants me to act? The thought almost gives me a panic attack.
"Sorry but I don't act," I tell her awkwardly. She smiles.
"That's fine, would you at least consider helping with the backdrop?" That I can do.
"I'd love to," I smile. She seems to be satisfied with that answer so I slip off to class. Jacinta pounces on me as soon as I walk in and starts bombarding me with questions. Why does no one believe me that I only want to be friends with Patty? I don't even like him like that.
Almost as if by magic, he appears at the front of our table at the mention of his name.
"Good morning," he smiles sweetly.
"Morning," I smile back. I hear Jade snort beside me and I elbow her.
"What do you want?" she asks him, grinning.
"Uh, actually I just wanted to ask Lavender if she wanted to see a movie after school," he says, glancing at me. Jade raises her eyebrows.
"Of course you do."
"Yeah, that's fine Patty," I mumble. He walks back to his desk.
"So I assume you took my advice then?"
"Yup," I admit.
"Ha! I knew it," she cries.
"Knew what?"
"That you like him!" I just roll my eyes at her. We're just friends.
I meet him after school, once again blowing off June. He seems pissed at me but there's nothing I can do about it. We arrive at the cinema and Patty and I share a salty bucket of popcorn. Why is it that popcorn always tastes so much better at the movies?
Frankly, I was impressed by his choice. I once again underestimated him. He chose a foreign indie film that we could only watch with subtitles. These are the kinds of movies I always have to see on my own because everyone thinks there boring. The more I hang out with Patty, the more I seem to be suprised by him.
I recline into my seat and stare up at the big screen. I'm just about ready to tune out of the real world for a while. The only issue is that I can't really focus on the movie because I can hear Patty breathing loudly beside me. I almost feel like he's doing it on purpose. I glance over at him and he seems oblivious. Every so often he seems to move closer to me. I try to ignore it.
Halfway through I feel his fingers brush over my palm and I squeeze my eyes shut. Eventually, he clasps his hand over mine and I sit there rigidly unsure what to do. June was right. He obviously hasn't gotten the memo that I only want to be friends.
After it finishes, I invite him over to my house. As much as I don't want to admit it, I think I may have given him the wrong impression. I thought we were on the same page but his actions today prove otherwise. We are lye on the floor of my room and look up at the roof. I close my eyes. We need to talk.
Only I don't think he's really interested in talking. He shuffles closer to me and grabs my hand. I can feel his body heat radiating off him. He threads his fingers through mine and lays it on his chest. I feel a twinge of guilt in the pit of my stomach. What have a started? I wish I hadn't have been so ignorant.
"Patty," I start.
"Don't talk," he says. He uses his spare hand to shush my lips. I don't know what to do. I sit up and he does the same. He's still holding my hand.
"You're beautiful," he says and he studies my eyes. I feel a flutter of nervousness. Not even because I like him but because I haven't been this close with a guy many times. He leans in closer and I think he wants to kiss me. All I can think about is the millions of germs that kissing passes. It doesn't feel right. My stomach churns uncomfortably.
We are so close but I feel like there's an infinity between us. My head is swimming. He leans in closer and I turn my face away. He opens his eyes and pulls back. I can see him going red.
"I'm sorry. I thought you wanted that," he says. I feel really bad. It's almost like I'm about to throw up, my hands are all sweaty and I start fiddling with the bracelet I'm wearing. He probably hates me now.
"Patty," I start and take a deep breath. This is going to be a difficult conversation to have but I can't put it off any longer. "I'm not interested in that sort of thing." He looks down and shrugs.
"It's okay. Feelings are just feelings. You can't force them. I don't want to date someone who isn't as invested as I am in the relationship or try to create that connection if it isn't there." He's taking this pretty maturely.
"Thanks for being so understanding," I smile at him.
"No problem. But will you promise me one thing?" He asks with a pained expression on his face. He probably isn't used to being rejected.
"It depends on what it is," I say. I have to play it safe.
"Will you please still be friends with me? I feel like I hardly know you," he says.
"Of course. Friends." I say and we shake hands.