NINETEEN SEVENTY NINE
Abhaya
For the past week, Michael had been visiting me in
the hospital with a bouquet of flowers every time he showed up. Monday were Sunflowers, Tuesday were White Lilly's, Wednesday was a variety of rainbow-colored Carnations, and today was red Roses.
He placed the red Roses against the counter where
the rest of the flowers were. I was starting to feel like
a botanist with all these plants.
Not that I wasn't grateful, but I knew Michael was trying to get himself off the hook. Every time I tried to bring up the awkward situation between us, he would do his best to avoid it and successfully succeeded with flowers.
But today, I wasn't going to let it slide. I deserved to know what was going on and how he felt about me.
"You're starting to run out of room for the flowers, Abs," Michael spoke. Today, I wasn't in the best of moods.
Who better to project that anger on than avoiding
ass Michael? I was told that I wouldn't be discharged until another week from now which annoyed me to death because I was so sick of eating hospital food.
But then I thought about having to go home, which I didn't want at the moment.
I was stuck, or so I thought.
"Then stop bringing them. Maybe I'll have some room." I said. Annoyance was highly evident in my tone. He looked back over his shoulder with a raised eyebrow. "What's the matter?"
"You."
"Me?" He asked while turning around with his finger pointing towards his chest.
I lifted my hand and pointed at him, "You're the only one here beside me, correct?" He looked around before slightly shrugging, "It seems as though I am." I rolled my eyes at his unwanted wisenheimer. "Why don't you kiss me anymore?" My question was in between the mix of testing him and wanting to know why.
Michael immediately tensed up.
He wouldn't even look at me, making me feel a bit nervous about what he would say next.
"Because it's not right..."
"And why is it not right?" He sighed before reluctantly shifting his eyes back towards my now cold ones.
"Abhaya, we're best friends. It's weird...."
I couldn't help but scoff, "How is it weird? We're both physically attracted to one another, so we kissed...why does our friendship have to make it weird?" He placed his hands inside both of his pockets; his eyes were now focused on mines, trying to keep a serious demeanor.
"Abhaya, why can't we just let this blow over already? Please, let's forget about it."
I was in denial that he didn't feel the same way as I.
How could he not? We were perfect for each other; we were best friends."But I can't forget about it, Michael! I think about it all time; I think about you all the time."
I was very vulnerable right now, maybe too weak, but I was tired of holding in how I felt. I was so tired.
"Why would you want to throw away almost ten
years of friendship for this fantasy of yours, Abhaya? I'm not going to do this to our friendship. I'm not!"
He slightly raised his voice.
Michael was getting angry at how selfish I was being, but I didn't care. I wanted him. I wanted Michael.
"But you've already done it...." Silence filled the room as we stared at one another for a few seconds.
I didn't understand men. How could they have something great placed in front of them and not want it? How could he not want someone who loved him
for him? How could he not want to someone who knew him like the back of their hand?
How could he not want me? How?
After what felt like an eternity, I decided to break
the ice. "I want you, Michael....in ways that are not friendly." He began to shake his head, making my heart sink inside of my chest.
"Stop it, Abhaya," But I continued, "I want to kiss you all the time. Michael...and I want to go out to movies and hold hands with our fingers interlocked."
"Abhaya, I said stop." The look in his eyes was stern, but my heart was against my sleeve, and I wasn't about to put it away anytime soon. "I want to fuck you."
Michael did something he would never usually do.
He yelled at me." FUCKING STOP!" His voice bounced against the walls and echoed to the point of it ringing inside of my head."Stop what, Michael!? Stop feeling the way I feel!? I can't stop that...I can't help that"
"We'll figure it the fuck out because I don't feel the fucking same!" Those hurtful words formed together into a sword and stabbed me directly into the heart.
Making sure that I felt every single feeling of its maliciousness.
I wanted to cry, but I decided it would be best to
wait until he left, which I'm sure would be pretty soon. Until then, he would feel my fucking wrath.
"You're a piece of shit. How can you kiss me the way you kissed me last time and tell me to figure it the fuck out? You know what, maybe you're doing me a favor by not liking me back."
"Yeah, I am. I'm doing you a big fucking favor. You'll thank me later."
"Just fucking leave. Go and get used as a fucking punching bag by the secret bitch of yours. You fucking weakling". Michael's chestnut brown eyes darkened; I knew that I had emotionally triggered him, but he triggered me as well with all of his lies and confusion.
"Fuck you, Abhaya," I obnoxiously laughed.
"When your secret Bitch is done whooping your ass, can I go next? I need to let go of a bit of steam; I'm sure you don't mind being a punching bag, right? I mean, you already are."
My anger was in control of my censorship, and right now, I wasn't about to filter out anything. He was playing with my heart, and regardless of it being unintentional, the pain persisted.
His eyes became teary, yet I didn't care. I was too mad to care, and that was scary. I didn't know I could be so malicious towards a person. Especially to someone, I cared for so deeply.
"You don't know anything..." He breathed out.
"How am I supposed to know when you lie like a fucking lawyer. You had me believing that Penny was the one abusing you, but it's the secret bitch. I fought Penny thinking that I was protecting you but nooooo. You like running into harm's way so go." I dismissed him from my presence.
Michael was still as stone, and I was Medusa.
"Are you deaf? I said go! And take those cheap ass flowers with you. You can shove them up your ass for all I care, fucking leave!" I yelled. The angry echoes haunted the small room. I quickly turned towards the left side of my bed before throwing the covers over myself. I didn't want to look at him anymore.
Moments later, I heard the door slam shut, causing me to jump slightly from the suddenness.
I released the breath I had been holding in for the longest.
The lump in my throat gradually disappeared as I began to cry. How could he not want me?
-
Being alone will make you ponder.
Even if you don't want to contemplate, loneliness
will force you. As I was on my third cup of red jello,
a hospital's specialty. I recounted old memories of Michael and me. The first one I thought of was our freshman year of high school when Michael asked a cheerleader out to the spring formal, and she turned him down.
I didn't know why Michael asked her to begin with. She was the epitome of a mean girl, but he did.
He asked her a few more times, none of which she accepted because she wanted everything about any guy she was seen with to be perfect. Michael was excellent, in my opinion. He was intelligent, funny, and very socially woke for such a young age.
But, the cheerleader he asked out didn't care about those things. All she cared about was that he had acne. I remember when I snuck him inside of my room, and he cried to me. It wasn't the first time he had cried to me, but it was something about that particular time that just stood out. All I wanted to do was make him feel better because that's what he deserved.
He told me that the cheerleader had called him pizza face, and he felt so ugly. It broke my heart.
So, I vowed that any girl who made Michael feel bad would have to deal with me.
The next day at school, I saw the cheerleader sitting alone on some bleachers, so I snuck behind her and pushed her down three flights of steps.
Fortunately, I managed not to get in trouble because
it was deemed an accident though it was not. That was the start of me being the protector of Michael's heart like best friends were supposed to be in my opinion.
I didn't realize how many fights I got in or how
many "deemed incidents."'I made occur because of Michael's horrible choice of women. He loved toxic women which always put me in a position to have to beat someone's up because he would always get hurt.
It was an ongoing cycle that I never realized until now.
A slight groan escaped between my lips as I tossed around the rather uncomfortable hospital bed for the millionth time.
A few knocks caught against my door caught
my attention. I assumed one of the nurses would come throughout the most inconvenient hours of the day, but to my surprise, it was Ricky. He walked inside with a slight smile as the door closed behind him. "Ricky!" Seeing him instantly uplifted my somber spirit.
Ricky walked towards the right side of my bed and looked down at me with slight worry.
"Have you been crying?" With a sigh, I slowly
nodded, "Yes...." Ricky took his jacket off and laid beside me with his arm over my torso as if on cue.
This was the position we laid in when one of us was sad and wanted to talk about the sadness.
"Why were you crying?" Ricky didn't know about the situation with Michael, neither did Angel.
I didn't know when I would say something about it, but it wouldn't be anytime soon.
"Because I'm tired of being here," Which was the truth; that was part of the reason I was crying.
So I wasn't technically lying."You'll be out soon Abhaya, don't cry over that."
"Yeah, I'll be out soon, but then I would have to go back home and deal with my family problems. That's how I ended up here in the first place." With a sigh, I rested my head against Ricky's chest and began to listen to the sound of his heartbeat.
"I still can't believe your mom did that to your hand.
I would never forgive her..." A few days ago, Ricky and Angel came to visit me, and I told them about the knife incident. Ricky was pissed, and I understood why.
Though my mother wasn't abusive, that situation could be deemed as so, and it slightly triggered Ricky.
He told me that it reminded him of the time his father pulled a switchblade out and sliced the side of his arm. It required approximately seventy-seven stitches.
"She didn't mean it, Ricky, she didn't."
"It doesn't matter, Abhaya; she still did it. If you had lost any more blood, you would've fucking died...all thanks to mommy dearest." The thought of dying at eighteen made the hairs on the back of my neck stand.
I wasn't afraid of death. My father made sure to rid
my fears by forcing me to go work on dead bodies with him. That probably wasn't the most parental thing to do, but my parent's way of raising my sister and me was always unsual.
With that being said, I wasn't afraid of death, but I was scared of not doing everything I dreamed for myself. Dying at the age of eighteen meant that I wouldn't've completed my dreams and aspirations; that was scary.
It was heartbreaking."Remember the dream I was telling you about Ricky? The one where we were hippies?" He nodded in response, "What about it?"
"Let's make it a reality!" A few chuckles escaped his lips, "Dreams are just what they are, Abhaya, Dreams."
I kissed my teeth in response, "Ricky, comes on,
don't you want to get up and go? Let's leave for like two weeks. If it's one thing I realized, it's that life is
too short. Let's make the most of it while we're still breathing...please, Ricky."
He was silent as if he was in deep thought.
"Ricky, please, I'm a damsel in distress right now.
Be my prince and save me from this torture"
He sighed, "You are so fucking annoying..." A smile crept amongst my lips. "So, is that a yes?"
"We'll leave in two days. I have to make a few arrangements beforehand, and we'll need to come up with a plan to sneak you out of the hospital."
I began to squeal, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" I said before leaning my head up and kissing Ricky on the right side of his cheek.
I didn't notice the blush the was reddening his face
as my mind was too busy thinking about the trip.
It looks like my dream was about to become a reality.
-
Thanks for reading!
So, it seems as if Michael doesn't feel the same way
as Abhaya. Do you believe that's how he really feels inside, or is he just saying that to preserve their friendship?
What do you think about the argument between them? Who do you think was the most wrong during the argument?
Let's revisit where Abhaya talked about his wrong choice in women and how she became the protector
of his heart. Do you think Abhaya is a little too protective over Michael? Why do you think Michael deals with toxic women?
How do you feel about Ricky's and Abhaya's friendship? Do you see some future romance being sparked between the two? Let me know your thoughts!