piper mclean is seriously fucking me up.
my closely scheduled life has slowly been slipping into disarray.
it's one thing to spend a few nights staying up. going to her concert. getting drinks. but now it's taken over. i spend hours at night, listening to her music. her entire album. looking up her interviews and articles. watching music videos and live performances. scrolling through her instagram. she plagues my thoughts as i try to sleep.
i can only think of that summer.
we both sat on the roof of my house, gazing up at the suburban sunset. the air is hot and dry. strands of her hair fly with the breeze.
"never have i ever... been to a big highschool party. with drinking and stuff."
"guilty. they are crazy." piper said. "never have i ever been to public school."
"that's cheating!" i retort.
piper laughs and it sounds like bursts of sunshine.
"okay, fine. never have i ever been homeschooled." i say slyly. piper grins.
"never have i ever smoked anything." i say.
"guilty." piper says.
"of course you are," i say, laughing.
"weed. the weed itself is okay. but the people i was with were... awful. worst night of my life. and i was so high and confused the whole time. i don't wanna do it again." piper explained, looking far off. "never have i ever... loved a boy."
"oh. guilty." i hug my knees close to my chest, despite the warm air. i look sideways at her. "never loved a boy?"
piper shook her head. "i've kissed boys and been in relationships. never truly loved one. was he nice? the one you loved?"
"i thought he was..." i gaze down at my feet. "never have i ever kissed a girl."
"me neither." piper says.
"finally, something! you've done, like, everything." i say. piper's lived a full life.
the roofing is abrasive against our skin. her touch is soft, though. she reaches out and holds my hand. our fingers intertwine. we could kiss now. on the roof. sun is setting. we could do it. anxiety seizes me. i look away. piper catches on.
"this game isn't as fun as it would be with more people," piper says.
"i like spending time with just you, though." i say.
she smiles. "me too."
we both look forward towards the pink sky and the neighborhood sprawl beneath us.
"i have to go home soon," she says. "curfew."
"okay," i say. "i wish you could stay."
she grins mischievously. there is a glimmer in her eye. "i'll meet you at midnight. we can sneak away."
i nod, feeling warm. excitement shoots up my body. i feel as though i'm truly living.
"midnight," i say. "see you then."
our hands separate. i still feel a tingling in my fingers, as if a ghost of her were still holding them.
bzzzzzt bzzzzzt bzzzzzt
i look up from the pile of laundry i was doing. my phone is ringing. piper mclean.
"hello?"
"hey annabeth!"
"is there something you need?"
"do you wanna come to my party? it's to celebrate my album." piper asks me over the phone. "tomorrow night."
i glance at the calendar hanging in my wall. "yeah, sure. i'll be there."
"oh, thank god. i hate being at those parties alone."
"alone? aren't your friends there?"
"yeah. but... they don't know me like you do." piper explains. "there's a song about you on that album."
"i know." i say. "i've listened to it. you sure like writing love songs."
"what can i say? i love love," piper responds. "it's fun to write about... fun to pretend."
"yeah," i grumble. "sure."
"you don't like love?" i can hear a smile on her voice.
"love is a fool's game." i say bitterly.
"maybe," piper replies. "but i'll readily admit that i'm a fool."
"i'm too proud to ever admit anything."
"you've never loved anyone?"
there is quiet. "i loved you."
"so you're not too proud to admit that."
"..."
"pride's not my strong point." she says. "i know when i'm pathetic. love is a pathetic thing. but so is war, yet war is directly caused by pride. i don't know. i'm just babbling now."
i continue folding my laundry slowly. "what's your point?"
"i don't have one. i guess i just think that anything can be arbitrary. love, pride, war, peace. nothing has to mean anything if you decide it so."
"but everything has to mean something for it to exist." i counter.
"well that's what people do. they make things exist by giving them meaning. but if we can so easily create meaning, we can easily change it. destroy it. undo it." piper pauses. "i'm sort of losing this conversation. what are we even talking about?"
"yeah, i'm losing it too. let's start over." i say. "what does love mean to you, then? what's about it that's worthy of so many songs?"
"hope. hope that someone will share their life with you. hope that your existence in the world brings joy to another and another brings joy to you. hope that your existence isn't solitary. isn't... purposeless." she explains. "what about you? what's your deal with it?"
"i don't know anymore. it's never been good to me." i say.
"was i good to you?"
"you were." i respond. "but that's always the pattern. good things are created and then destroyed. alexander the great unified greece, created an empire. he died and it split. rome conquered the mediterranean and established a rich empire. rome falls. i loved a boy and was happy. the boy turns out to be an asshole. i loved you and was in carried away by my whims... by that love. and then you were carried away. a building is built. and then turned to ruins. to love is to create and then utterly, and agonizingly... undo."
"maybe you should be writing music. you're a poet," piper jokes. i find myself smiling. "that's some real fancy talk... but... i came back, right? greece fell, but rome rose. when rome fell, people still lived. when a building crumbles, another is built. and so many great things still occur even if somethings falls. yes, that's how it is- things do and then undo. it's inevitable. but... i think love is something bigger than that. love isn't just one civilization. one building. one rise and fall. love is everything. love is the doing and undoing. love oversees the civilizations and watches them fall and love sees to it that there is more to life after they fall. i don't know, annie. i think love is bigger than that."
i haven't talked to anyone like this in a very, very long time. i don't know what to make of anything anymore. "my head is spinning from this whole conversation."
"me too," piper agrees. "conclusion?"
"the conclusion is: love is difficult to understand because it is a creation of humanity and a reflection of our beliefs. no debate will ever quell it because it is not a thing. it is an act. and it is a spirit." i say with sense of finality.
"couldn't have said it better myself." piper agrees. "we're lowkey geniuses."
"that's because it's... nearly midnight... holy fuck it's nearly midnight!" i exclaim, after checking the time. doing laundry and talking to piper... i lost track of time.
"you gotta go, huh?"
"yeah, i have work tomorrow. and of course that party."
"okay, annie. i'll see you tomorrow." piper says. "oh, and only last thing."
"hm?"
"i loved you, too." she says. "i didn't want to leave you. and i never did. i never did give up on that idea of loving you. i'm glad i didn't."
"you what?"
"i still love you. goodnight, annabeth."
beep!
there's no more laundry for me to fold. i go to sleep, my head buzzing. the whole thing was too much to take in. i try to go to sleep, but i could only think about it.
creation.
destruction.
love.
war.
piper mclean and her pretty sing-song voice saying those words.
i still love you.
i can even see her lips moving to create those syllables when i close my eyes. i'm beyond tired. i've entered a type of exhausted where i can't sleep and my head just buzzes with nonsense.
piper mclean is seriously fucking me up.
creation.
destruction.
love.
war.
the darkness seemed to writhe restlessly under my eyelids. new york is a thousand times louder than it usually is beneath me. the words repeat themselves until they become meaningless. i drift away into nothing.