I
Claveria
Marahan ang takbo ng lumang Sedan sa kalsada na napagigitnaan ng mataas na damuhan. Matayog ang mga bulubundukin sa ilalim ng makakapal na ulap at walang hanggan ang bukirin. Panay ang kuha ko ng litrato mula sa bintana ng sasakyan.
"Ito po ba ang unang beses ninyo rito sa Claveria, miss?" Kuryosong tanong ng driver ng aking mama.
"Hindi po."
Dinungaw ko ang bintana. Hindi bago sa akin Claveria, at hindi rin ang ganitong tanawin. I grew up in the countryside of America, particularly in Pennsylvania.
Sumiklab ang gulo sa aming tahanan, anim na taong gulang ako. Naghiwalay ang mga magulang ko. Sumama si papa sa ibang babae. My mom was left devastated. She had attempts to end her life and was diagnosed with clinical depression. Iyon din ang naging rason kung bakit napunta ang custody ng mga kapatid ko sa aking papa matapos nilang maghiwalay.
My grandmother, Clementine Luisiana took care of me. She stays in Pennsylvania, USA. Ipinamana niya na ang pamamahala ng hacienda sa mga anak na babae at sa America nananatili. Inampon niya ako't doon pinalaki. Ngunit kahit ganoon ay madalas pa rin akong bumibisita rito sa Claveria.
I only stopped visiting after a car accident on the summer of my fifteenth year. It was one tragic story popular to the workers of our farm--the reason why I was prohibited to visit Claveria for years.
Pagkalipas ng tatlong taon, heto ako't muling bumisita. Pero sa pagkakataong ito, gusto ko nang manatili.
Umahon ang galak sa aking puso nang matanaw ang Hacienda Luisiana. Our family's code of arms welcomed me and next were endless sugarcanes. Our clan traces a long history of nobility from being landowners, businessmen, and politicians.
My grandmother, on the other hand, is an English marchioness. Although their hierarchy has ended, since no one else inherited their family name, my grandmother owns a lot of estates in England up to Pennsylvania. I don't exactly remember how she met my grandfather, Gonzalo Luisiana but their marriage expanded the riches of our clan.
Ekta-ektaryang lupain ang nilampasan ng Sedan bago natunton ang mansyon. Ang matayog nitong gate ay sabay na nagbukas upang patuluyin ang sasakyan. Its vintage Victorian style made it look like a castle in the Renaissance. Kung hindi lamang bago ang pintura ay magmumukhang katakot-takot ang lumang istraktura.
The walkway towards the main door was surrounded with tall hedges. Malapit sa entrada ay nakapila ang mga kasambahay at ilang empleyadong sabay sabay na tumango sa pagdating ko.
Uminit ang pisngi ko. If I had known it would be like this, I would've come without notice.
"Zhalia!"
Mom was so excited that she nearly lost her balance while gracing the stairs of the mansion. Isang mahigpit na yakap ang sinalubong niya sa akin.
"I miss you, anak. You've grown so much! You look different."
Hindi malaman ni mama kung saan magsisimula. Sa pagyakap, paghawak sa aking pisngi, pagsuyod ng tingin sa aking mukha o sa pangangamusta.
"I miss you to, ma. Pero kailangan bang ganito? Nakakahiya." Tinukoy ko ang mga naka-linyang unipermadong kasambahay.
"Of course, hija! Pinaghanda ko sila hindi lang para salubungin ka kundi para makilala ka na rin," aniya, tinutukoy ang mga kasambahay.
Iginaya ako ni mama sa loob ng mansyon. Sa engradang hapag ay naroon ang mga Auntie ko na sabay sabay akong sinalubong. Kaniya-kaniya silang postura na kahit na sa bahay lamang ay pormal ang kasuotan.
"Sit down, my dear. We prepared all these for you."
My mom, Alessandra Luisiana is the second of the Luisiana sisters. Ang panganay na si Martina ay strikta at hindi gaanong malapit sa sino man. Medyo nagulat nga ako't narito siya. Their youngest, Camila is the friendliest amongst them.
"Mabuti naman at naisipan mong bumisitang muli rito ngayong bakasyon, Zhalia. Huwag kang masiyadong nakikinig sa pagbabawal ng mama mo. You know how she's just over protective and paranoid." Paunang bati ni Auntie Camila.
"Well, I'm just worried. Paano kung maulit iyong--"
"Ma, don't mention it." Awat ko.
"Zhalia doesn't want to talk about that. Ikaw lang ang hindi maka-move on, Alessandra. It's been years. She's all fine now. Hindi ba, hija?"
Tumango ako.
"Are you still seeing your doctor?", seryosong dalo ni Auntie Martina.
The austerity of my eldest aunt made me shift on my seat. Sa tatlong magkakapatid, siya ang pinaka naiiba ang hitsura. She has very western features which she got from my grandmother.
"Hindi na po. I'm perfectly fine, Auntie. I stopped for a year now."
"Kung ganoon, ano'ng plano mo? Are you staying here? Dito ka na ba magkokolehiyo?" Auntie Camila grew excited. Mom glared at her.
"P'wede rin, Auntie."
"Zhalia!" Kasabay ng pagtaas ng boses ay ang matalim na tingin ng aking mama.
"Ma, maayos naman po rito. Hindi ba mas okay iyon at magkakasama tayo?"
"Hindi ba ang plano mo ay lumipat sa France at doon mag-kolehiyo? Pinayagan na kita roon."
I wanted to study in the National School of Fine Arts in France before, but that seems irrelevant now. I only want to stay here with my family.
"I can study Agricultural Business here instead. Para makatulong ako sa pamamahala ng hacienda."
"No, Zhalia." Mom said with finality.
I sighed and sipped on my wine instead. Mukhang mahaba-habang pangungumbinsi pa ang kailangan kong gawin.
Pagkatapos sa hapag ay tinunton ko ang aking kwarto. Hindi ko napigilan ang pagngiti nang matanaw ang kabuuan noon. Sa pagtapak sa loob ay parang pagtapak rin sa nakaraan. Tila hindi gumalaw ang oras at ganoon pa rin ang ayos nito nang huli ko itong iwan.
Sumasayaw ang mga kurtina sa marahang ihip ng hangin mula sa balkonahe. Hinawi ko ang mga iyon at pinapasok ang sinag ng araw. May aklatan sa isang sulok ng silid. Sa kaliwang bahagi ay lamesa at sa itaas ay may polaroid wall.
Tinunton ng aking daliri ang bawat litratong nakadikit roon. There was a picture of the 7-year-old me, inside an old Sedan. 8 years old on a horseback ride. 9 years old in front a grand piano with my dad. There was my 9th birthday with me and my aunties.
I was probably 10 when I learned to take pictures. The next polaroids were my shots. Mountain ranges, sugar canes, dam, flowers, and skies.
The next photos were me and my brothers. Some were photos of my favorite horse, photos of sunsets and the farmers smiling while working. Natatandaan ko ang lahat ng iyon.
I was on the balcony of our mansion in a floral dress, summer 11. I was on the ranch with my horse Apollo, summer 12. In the mansion's garden, summer 13. At one of Aunt's parties, summer 14. In a wooden bridge wearing a white vintage dress...
Nangunot ang noo ko. Hindi ko matandaan kung kailan ito. Alam ko ang lugar ngunit ang pangyayaring ito, kung sino ang kumuha ng litrato, hindi ko alam.
Binalewala ko iyon. Hindi naman lahat ng pangyayari sa buhay natin ay naaalala natin. Kahit pa may litrato iyon.
I started unpacking my clothes from my Rimowa luggage. Pagkatapos maligo't magbihis ay bumaba ako upang gumala sa labas ng mansiyon. Naisipan kong tawagan ang pangatlong kuya habang naglalakad.
"Z? Kamusta? Nandiyan ka na sa Claveria?" Hinihingal ang boses ni Zeke nang sumagot.
"Yes Kuya, kararating lang."
"Good then. Hindi ka ba pagod sa biyahe? Magpahinga ka."
"I'm fine. Ikaw, nasaan ka?"
"Wala, nagbabasketball lang. Huminto ako para sagutin ang tawag mo. I miss you. Kailan ka pupunta dito sa Manila?"
My brothers are all in Manila. Naroon din kasi ang mga unibersidad kung saan sila nag-aaral. Wala sa kanila ang nakatira kasama ang aming ina. That's the reason I want to stay here in Claveria, so I could live with mom. Kahit kasama niya ang mga Auntie ko, alam kong malungkot pa rin ang malayo sa mga anak.
Because even I'm happy with my grandma, that's how I feel towards them. Malungkot pa rin ang malayo sa kanila.
"Hindi ko alam, kuya. Bakit hindi na lang kayo ang bumisita rito? Besides, don't you guys miss mom?"
"If that's an hour ride, we could. But that place is too far, Zhalia. Saka alam mo namang abala sila Kuya."
"Okay fine. I miss you."
"Miss you too."
"Go ahead with your basketball."
"What are you doing?"
"Wala naman. I'll call you again. Bye."
Binaba ko na ang tawag at pinagpatuloy ang paglalakad. Tumungo ako sa garahe kung saan naroon ang koleksyon ng iba't ibang makalumang kotse. The sisters love vintage cars. I smiled when I saw my favorite Beetle Volkswagen. Tumawag ako ng kasambahay at hiningi ang susi noon.
Mukhang nag-aalangan pa ang kasambahay ngunit sa huli ay pumayag rin. Sa gate naman ay nagpaalam pa ako sa mga guwardiya.
"It's okay Kuya. Mom knows about this." Paninigurado ko.
"Naku Miss, sandali lang ho at tatawagin ko si Ma'am Alessandra."
"Kuya, nagpaalam na ako. Besides, I won't go far. Diyan lang ako sa plantasyon." I gave the guards a pleading look. Napabuntong hininga ang mga iyon at tuwang tuwa ako nang pagbuksan nila ako ng gate.
I turned the radio on and Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now ringed in the peacefulness of the farm. The car paced slowly on the long roads surrounded by wide fields.
I tilted my head up to let the subtle breeze kiss my skin and mess my hair. The lush green mountains in the distance and the wide plantations that stretch forever, all of them were painted golden under the dripping sun on the horizon.
I have somewhere in my mind I want to visit. Hindi ganoon kaklaro sa akin ang daan ngunit kumpiyansa naman akong tama ang tinatahak. Lumampas na ako sa lupain namin at ang sumunod ay puro kakahuyan.
I took the right route and after a series of long roads, I could finally see the tall grasses. Mas kumitid na ang sementadong daan ngunit manipis lang naman ang kakahuyan. I drove past the pine forest.
I halted the car when I finally reached the wooden footbridge. Napagigitnaan ang tulay na iyon ng mataas na damuhan ngunit sa gitna ay may tubig na sa ilalim. If you go further, the end of the rustic bridge will lead you to a long stretch of sand towards the beach.
Sumandal ako sa hood ng Volkswagen at nagsimulang kumuha ng litrato. Awe filled my heart upon gazing at the scenic view.
The soft gush of the wind, the rustling sounds of the leaves, the gentle crashing of the waves from the distant ocean, and the still silence of the mist above the mountains, all of it set my heart tranquil.
Everything was serene and still. Kumikinang ang tubig sa dagat, marahang gumagalaw ang fog sa tuktok ng malayong bulubundukin at sa kakahuyan ay naririnig ang mumunting huni ng mga ibon.
I gazed at the ball of sun burning red in the sky, leaving everything under it in pink and harsh orange hues. Mula sa papalubog na araw ay naglakbay pa ang mga mata ko sa ganda ng buong paligid.
Nanatili lang akong ganoon. Hindi lamang ang mga mata kundi pati ang puso ay napuno ng galak. Ngunit ang kapayapaan ko'y naistorbo nang matanaw ang isang lalaki mula sa tulay.
May bitbit itong camera at nakatutok iyon sa akin. Nangunot ang noo ko ngunit hindi ito natinag. Pinagpatuloy pa yata ang pagkuha sa akin ng litrato.
Hindi na ako nag-alangan. I advanced towards him to confront him. Ngunit nang na sa harap niya na ay saka ko lamang pinagsisihan ang pagiging padalos dalos.
Salubong ang kilay nito nang lingunin ako. His dark brown hair is slightly disheveled from the wind. But its huge wavy layers served a perfect curtain to his prominent cheekbones and jaw.
I was struck in a second. He looked like a mysterious archangel straight from an Alexander Cabanel painting. So ethereal and heavenly that he seemed frigid and untouchable. The kind of handsome that is not approachable at all but rather intimidating.
Parang gusto kong kumuha ng pang-pinta. I wanted to paint his eyes that are intense and mysterious below the thick meeting eyebrows. They resembled the paintings in the Renaissance. Mukhang napatagal ang pananahimik ko at mas lumalim ang pagkunot ng noo nito.
Pansamantalang nilamon ng lalamunan ko ang aking mga salita. Tumikhim ako upang muling buhayin ang loob.
"Pinipicturean mo ba ako?" I spat coldly.
This time, his jaw clenched as he narrowed his gaze at me. His amber eyes that seemed more translucent illumined by the sunset intensified his scowl.
"I saw you. Your camera was pointed at me."
His lips raised as he let out a scoff. I gaped, offended at his rudeness.
"No. I'm not, miss." Nag-akma siyang tatalikuran ako ngunit muli akong nagsalita.
"Patingin ng camera mo."
He stopped, his brows barely lifting in surprise.
"Patingin." Inilahad ko ang kamay.
"Save yourself from getting humiliated. I didn't take any pictures of you."
"Then let me see. It's easy if you're not hiding anything."
Yumuko siya upang maglebel ang aming panigin. Tinitigan niya ako. Akala siguro'y maiilang ako ngunit hindi ako nagpatalo. I fired him back the same cold stare, maybe even colder. Sa huli, nagpatalo rin siya.
"Fine."
He turned the camera on and showed the photos to me. The first photo was the pine trees behind me, the second are still the trees but of a different angle, the third was the sky and the fourth...
"Okay ka na?" Huminto siya't muling pinatay ang camera.
"Hindi pa ako tapos." Reklamo ko.
"Hindi kita kinukuhanan ng litrato, miss. Kinukuhanan ko ang kakahuyan sa likod mo."
"How can I be sure--"
"Why would I take your photo? Celebrity ka ba?" He asked rudely.
I nearly laughed. He was such a beauty if not for this terrible attitude. Lahat ng pagkamangha ko'y nabura agad.
Not to brag but I'm a model and my face is definitely flattering in the camera. Of course, he must have found me pretty? I wanted to but I didn't voice out those thoughts for the sake of being humble.
"Mas maganda pa ang kakahuyan sa likod mo." Bulong niya ngunit dinig ko pa rin.
My mouth parted. Have I just been compared to the pine trees?
"You're not that pretty." Dagdag niya pa.
"That's the first time I've been told that."
"I don't think so." His brow raised, challenging.
"FYI, this face can sell brands. I'm pretty sure you'll earn millions if you use my photo!" There it is. I lost my sense of humility.
He mocked a laugh. Ngunit kahit nakakainsulto ang tawa niya ay napansin ko pa rin kung gaano siya kagwapo nang lumitaw ang perpektong mga ngipin. Pinigilan ko ang mga naiisip.
"Didn't know Zhalia Clementine is this conceited."
Ang pagka-insulto ko ay natalo ng pagka-gulat sa sinabi niya.
"Do you know me?"
"Do I know you?" He echoed.
Mas lalong lumalim ang kuryosidad ko.
"You're quite famous, if you don't know that yet." Balewala niyang sagot bago muling kinalikot ang camera at hindi na ako tinignan.
"Zhalia Clementine Luisiana Ferriol, right? Granddaughter of Clementine Luisiana, one of the elites in Claveria."
Kinilabutan ako sa pagbanggit niya sa buo kong pangalan. Is he a stalker or something? But then again, our family is prominent. It's not a surprise that people know me.
"Ikaw iyong na-aksidente, three years ago, hindi ba?" Sa wakas ay nag-angat siya ng tingin.
"How did you know about that?" I am now weirded out.
"It's all over the news."
I thought my grandmother did a good job in cleaning the records of that tragic story but it seems like it reached too many, that even this guy knows about it.
"You're too naïve." Komento niya pa.
Seriously, every word that comes out of his mouth from the moment we met is all insults. But right now, I am more fazed than angered.
"I am not naïve. Saka sino ka ba? Paano mo nalaman iyon? I think we're of the same age. Do you work in our farm? Or perhaps, you're a farmer's son?"
"None of those."
"What's your name, then?"
"You're interested in me now?" The sides of his lips rose along with the playful look on his eyes. My insides turned and a heat of embarrasment rose to my cheeks.
"I'm just weirded out, that's all. I need to know so--"
"Mukhang kailangan mo nang umuwi. Your knights are here, naïve princess." His eyes were fixed in a distance.
Sinundan ko ang tinitignan niya. Mula sa kakahuyan ay natanaw ko ang mga pamilyar na gwardiya mula sa mansyon.
Nasapo ko ng palad ang noo bago nagmamadaling iniwan ang lalaking kasama.
I ran past the footbridge up to my Volkswagen.
"Zhalia! Pinag-alala mo ako. Ano'ng ginagawa mo rito at bakit bigla ka na lang nawala?" Hindi ko napansin ang pagbaba ni mama mula sa kapaparada lang na sasakyan.
"Ma, gusto ko lang pong mamasyal."
"Not alone then! Sana nagpasama ka sa isa mga bodyguard natin."
"I'm okay mom. Saka gusto ko pong mag-isa."
"Alam mong delikado--"
"Ma, i'm fine." Napapagod kong saad.
I was fine after my car accident. It took a life-threatening surgery, series of psychological and physical therapies, medications, MRIs, and constant doctor appointments and my life became fine again. At least, in America. I didn't know it would be different here. I didn't know my whole life would be altered just because I was once on the brink of death.
"Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit masiyadong naghihigpit si mama." Kinagabihan ay nagkwento ako sa kaibigang si Linn sa telepono.
"Hindi mo masisisi ang mommy mo, Zhalia. You nearly died."
"But I'm all fine now. Bakit kailangang kontrolin ako? Hindi naman siya ganito noon. She's being too paranoid. What happened before was an accident. But now, she wouldn't let me go out without a chaperone or a bodyguard, it's as if someone is after my life." Reklamo ko. Medyo iritado pa rin na wala akong kalayaan rito.
But Linn seemed to take my sentiments too seriously.
"Someone is after your life?" Pag-uulit niya.
"Zhalia, are you sure that you remember everything after your accident?"