It might have been the worst of all the mistakes I had ever made – or the best of my choices. If he decided he did not love me... then I should be free. I needed to show him that I was not the one to love... I was not the one for him.
He did deserve love, yes, of course, but it was not me who should be his. There had to be another one, one that would love him unconditionally, just the way he could love her. And I... I was not like that. Because when I looked at him, I did not feel happiness and gratitude, but fear. I was afraid of him, afraid of what he could do to me.
On the other hand, though, there was thankfulness for him in my heart, especially for his will to teach me, a person who meant nothing to the rest of the world. I felt happy that he considered me talented, that he appreciated my voice and the way I sang... but it was as far from love as it could be. Although this feeling remained soft and warm, I was afraid I could never offer him anything more than that. And it still lacked this sweetness and passion that love should have. Besides, I did not think I wanted to love him.
Maybe I was cruel. Maybe I should have given him that chance, but it simply did not seem to be right. His love was specific – and I was not quite sure whether I could stand whatever he offered. Because his obsession, his jealousy, his anger came with it, and I would never free myself from him if I allowed him to love me. I was not strong enough – I was just a girl, weak and fragile, not able to find a solution to the easiest of my problems. And he, as an experienced man, needed support which I could not provide.
Once I entered the room, I looked around, as if trying to find a way out, but it was just a closed space with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. What I had just done might have made him angry, and I was scared of his fury. Wrapping my arms around myself, I glanced at the entrance, hearing his quick steps. In a few seconds he would burst in – and I was completely helpless, weak against him. What if he was irate enough to hurt me?
Closing my eyes, I turned away from the doorway, as if it could protect me, maybe make me disappear from this cage, but I knew it was impossible. My breath hitched and within seconds I could hear him enter the room.
What did I expect? I was not even sure – maybe a slap. Maybe him yelling at me... or at least saying some bitter words... Definitely, he should tell me how disappointed he was. And yet, I heard nothing like that.
"Arlette," he whispered, and what I heard was immense sadness in his voice. It made my stomach twist in protest. Why did he have to use it against me? It made me feel so terrible. So guilty. And yet, I did realise that I needed to mind my own well being – if I sacrificed it all to him, I might never be able to find happiness.
Although he called my name, I did not response, just took a deep breath, trying to calm down, but in vain. That was when I felt his hand on my shoulder. Its weight was warm and in some peculiar way calming.
"Do you not trust me? Do you want to run away from your angel, Arlette?" he asked in the very same tone.
What was I supposed to answer? I knew I needed to answer "yes". It would be an honest response – but at the same time, I did not want to hear his voice break again when I said something like that.
But he still was my Angel. I could remember him asking if I wanted him to teach me... if I would follow his every command. I had responsed of my own free will – he had not been trying to put any pressure on me. It had been my own choice, one of which I had once been proud of. And I had not forgotten about it yet.
"I cannot stay with you, Master," I replied at last. Tears glistened in my eyes as I glanced at him with shame, knowing I deserved nothing but condemnation. I should have known how it all might end – and I had not been able to stand it even for a couple of days. How weak was I? How would I survive if I wanted to sing, being this weak?
I had thought that if I said what had been tormenting me, I would feel at least a tad better, but as soon as I uttered those words, not only did I not feel any better, but also my frame of mind got worse as I saw that shadow creeping over his face.
It broke my heart, to see him in this state. I would rather want him to slap me across my face, it would hurt less than to watch that look appear in his eyes that had been looking at me with so much pride and happiness.
And hope.
Yes, what I had seen in his glance, was hope – right now it began to disappear, as if wiped off of his look.
"So this is how you feel about me," he said, and right now, there was no sweetness in his voice. The muscles of his jaw twitched warningly as his hands curled up into fists – it was obvious he was doing his best to fight his anger. "Despite what you have told me. What you have promised..."
I had lied to him. Not on purpose, of course, but I realised how terrible this situation was; and it was all my fault. Had I given it a second thought, maybe nothing like that would have happened, but right now it was already too late.
"Forgive me, Master," I answered quickly, not sure what to do or say. No words seemed to be suitable for this moment, but I felt I should at least apologise to him for what I had done. However, he hushed me with just one motion of his hand.
"No, Arlette," he hissed, and I backed away until my back was pressed against one of the walls of the room. His eyes betrayed how hurt and angry he was. Within a moment he was already right in front of me, and I felt just another while parted me from death. "You will not leave... you have already made your promises, and I am not going to let you break them. Whether you want it or not, you shall stay here, with me, until the end of your days. Get used to it, for it will be your home, your cage, the only thing you will know from now on, and my face will be the only one you will ever look at."
My thoughts rushed across my mind in desperation. Maybe I could try to push him away from me, to run away and not even once glance over my shoulder... but the moment I raised my hands, he grabbed my wrists and pinned them to the wall on both sides of my head. Although I was frightened, I could not take my eyes off of him.
"Did you understand it? I wanted to give you freedom. You would be safe and happy forever. You would never want to go back to the world of day... but you chose this life instead. You shall learn, whether you want it or not, but you will never return to what you have known till now. All you had to do was to keep your promise..."
The tone of his voice was so pitiful that I felt even worse. Had I not said those words out loud... maybe I would have found another way. Now, I understood there was no escape from him. And he was right... I had made this choice.
After a while, he let go of my hands; the skin on my wrists seemed to burn. His grasp had been really tight, but I knew I deserved this pain, so I dared not complain.
"Once... I thought you were different..." I was sure he whispered, but soon, it turned out he had just begun to sing. And once again, this tune seemed to be so natural... "That you alone could give me what I have sought for so desperately... what I needed most..."
I bit my lips and lowered my eyes in shame. Tears kept flowing down my cheeks, but his fingers gently wiped them away.
"Why, Arlette?" he barely mouthed. "Why?"
Was there even an answer to this bothering question that seemed to be echoing in my mind. "Why? Why?"
Never would I have thought just a dream of mine would be a start to a story so painful. There should be a choice for me to make. And yet, I realised there was only one path I could choose – and it was the very same this man had chosen.
I had once dreamt of love. I had thought that the story of the Opera Ghost was romantic. Now, as I had become a part of it, I understood there was nothing but suffering in it, and that I would never free myself.
"I told you I could show you the real beauty," he continued after a while, his fingertips gently tracing my cheek. I wanted to turn my face away, but my body had stiffened so much that I could not find enough strength to move. "And you would be the queen... ruling by my side... a true ornament... the only one who could make my music alive. I... I do not understand, Arlette... you could have everything... everything you asked for, if you only wanted. All I required was for you to be mine."
When he spoke of it, it seemed to be so little. If I had not experienced what it meant, maybe I would have said "yes" once more. And even now, I still felt tempted. If I was not careful enough, he would ensnare me once again.
He demanded love. Love I could not give him, for I did not feel it for him, and even if I wanted, I could not force myself to feel this way.
As he opened his mouth to speak once more, I had a feeling he could read my mind, and I felt ashamed of myself.
"You will learn how to love me. I will show you," he whispered, leaning in. I was trapped between his body and the wall, but it was not the real trap. My mind began to betray me, as his voice cast its spell upon it afresh, despite me trying to fight against it so desperately. My eyelids seemed to be so heavy and I found it so difficult to catch a breath. The air around me was full of his presence; his scent filled my lungs to the brim.
Did I want to learn how to love him? I would stay with him, and he would praise me, cherish me the way only he could. There would be no problems down here... I would not have to worry about the things that had been troubling me until now. It would be an easy, sweet life, full of music and his voice. It would be my heaven, and he would be my Angel. Should it not be this way? Should I not be grateful to him?
But I knew I could not do that. If I agreed, whatever I had dreamt of until now would need to perish. And I did not want to give up on all my dreams just to make his dream come true. I was still young – I wanted to see the world, experience everything there was... if I decided to stay with him, I would be locked away from the world that called me.
I opened my mouth to answer. To tell him I did not want the life he had planned for me... but somehow, although I seemed to be forming this one easy word with my lips, no sound came from them. Almost like a fish that had been taken out of the water, I opened and closed my mouth soundlessly, even though I knew so well what I wanted to say.
"You have promised me, Arlette," he murmured tenderly, playing with my locks; his breath brushed against my neck. "If you take your word away now... I will be ruthless. You know I can be. But I do not want to hurt you... there is already so little beauty in this world. To destroy you would be a crime. But I will not let you betray me."
So in spite of him seemingly giving me a chance to choose, there was no choice for me. I would need to stay with him – whether I chose it willingly, or he chose it for me. I was not allowed to leave this place, whether I wanted it or not. My fate was already sealed – it had been before I had even met him.
"Just say it," he whispered directly into my ear, right before placing a gentle kiss onto my temple, "and I shall lay the world at your feet."
No longer did I think for myself; I was just tired... betrayed... and I knew whatever I said, the result would still be the same.
"I will... I will stay with you, my Angel."