Three hours. It's been three hours, without a second of sleep. It's been three hours, in which I've counted sheeps up to two thousand and fourteen and given up after that, decided what to wear tomorrow, made a minute by minute schedule for the whole week, and counted how many times I blink in a minute; fourteen.
Giving in to the fact that I won't be able to sleep tonight, I decide to get some sleeping pills from downstairs for the first time. I've been scared of taking pills because of Noah, but maybe I really am safe with the boys?
Careful to not wake any of the boys up, I walk out of my room and down to the kitchen, only to see Landon standing there in his black adidas sweatpants and a white shirt.
When he hears the sound of my footsteps, he turns around.
"What are you doing?" he asks me. "It's one am."
"I know," I answer him. "I couldn't sleep."
He let's out a snort.
"Me neither. Did you want something?"
Realizing there's no need to lie to him, I honestly answer, "Sleeping pills."
He nods as I walk over to the cabinet to take down the small bottle filled with sleeping pills. I try to take it down from the top shelf, but when my short length and even tip toes don't get down the bottle for me, a tanned arm from behind me does. Turning around, I see Landon's chest just an inch away from mine. He looks down at me, our closeness slowly driving me insane.
He suddenly looks away and takes a step back. Handing the pills over, he takes a glass from behind me as well.
"Thanks," I mumble and walk over to the sink to fill the glass. As the water rushes down and slowly fills the glass, Landon breaks the silence.
"Were you ever planning on telling someone?" he asks me.
I close the water tap and turn around to face him. For the first time today, I catch his gaze. I put two pills on my tongue and swallow them with some water.
"I don't know," I answer honestly. "I.... it's not that easy."
"I know but...."
"Can we please not talk about it? Not even you were supposed to know."
"Hayden this isn't fair, it's not fair to you. You're a good person, and even if you weren't, you don't deserve this. Never. I'm glad I found out."
Some silence passes, and I feel how my eyelids become heavier and heavier. "Hayden?"
The next thing I know, arms snake under my back and knees, and my head's leaned against what I know is Landon's chest. I would fight him if it wouldn't be so hard to stay awake.
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
Slowly opening my eyes, I wake up. I shut my eyes and blink quickly to adjust them to the light. Pushing myself up to a sitting position, I notice something. I look at the small armchair placed two feet away from my door and see Landon sleeping. He seems to have had a very uncomfortable night, giving the fact the armchair isn't the softest furniture in this house.
I throw my legs off the bed, the cold floor making me want to drag the sheets over my head and never leave my bed again. I take slow steps towards him and notice how peaceful he looks. His hair is messy, but not messy like usual since he obviously couldn't move as much in the armchair as in his bed. His eyelashes seem longer, and his lips are a pinker shade. His elbow is resting on the armrest of the chair and his hand is placed behind his neck.
I place my hand on his shoulder after four attempts and shake him lightly. His eyelids fly open and he jumps up from the armchair, scaring me as much as it's possible. His eyes hold a burning flare inside them, but it slowly fades away when he sees me.
"Sorry," he mumbles. "Did you want something?"
"I...," I start, suddenly out of words to say to him. "What are you doing here?" I blurt out.
He doesn't seem offended by my very rude way of asking. Nothing in his expression changes.
"You don't remember?"
This is scaring me. What should I remember? "I told him the pills were too strong. You couldn't sleep, so you took pills. I brought you up here and when I was about to leave you started dragging me back. You even woke up a few times. You were still asleep, but you sat up and said things. I didn't hear what though."
Did I stop him from leaving?
I look down and notice the clothing on my body; a long sleeved grey shirt and white sweatpants with pink hearts on.
It's not too naked or embarrassing, but I still start feeling really ashamed and uncomfortable. I pull down the shirt a bit, but it doesn't make any difference.
"What?" he cuts through my anxious bubble of thoughts.
"Nothing," I say, thankful for not stuttering.
"Hayden stop. Something's bothering you and I want to know what it is."
"Did- did you carry me up here?"
"That's what's bothering you?"
He raises his eyebrows at me, clearly shocked to hear that, but when he sees how my gaze shifts from his eyes to the floor, he answers me. "Yeah I did. It's not like there was any other option."
My face heats up and goes all red, revealing how ashamed and uncomfortable I am. "Hey."
He grabs my arms, making me flinch. He immediately let's go of me when he sees my response. "Look, I'm sorry, for responding like that. I get why that's bothering you. I'm sorry."
He looks at me for a few seconds, and after getting his point clear, he asks; "Do you need anything?"
I shake my head and he walks out.
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
Well downstairs, all the boys (except Landon) are sitting on the couches and talking excitingly about something. As soon as they see me, they stop to say a "Hi Hayden", or "Morning", or in Dylan's case, "Hey bestie".
"Hey," I greet back. I walk over to the empty spot between Dylan and Parker on the couch and sit down, trying to feel more comfortable around them since they actually are really great boys, all of them.
"Wanna tell me how many Dylans from one to ten I was yesterday?" Dylan asks me with an innocent smile.
"You were eight Dylans," I tell him.
"Eight?" he exclaims, his smile replaced by an expression that would be very close to the one you'd have if someone would say Nutella was made of mud; a disgusted one. "I saved the whole game. That deserves ten, hot Dylans."
"Well, yeah, you did a touchdown, but don't forget the ball you didn't catch that cost us some points."
He narrows his eyes at me, an adorable grumpy expression on his face.
"You're evil."
Then, he takes big, heavy steps into the kitchen, leaving all the boys laughing.
"That was probably hard to take for his ego," Thomas says through his laughter.
"Hard?" Isaac asks. "That was a bomb attack for an ego like his."
"What did I miss?" Landon asks as he walks down the last steps.
"Hayden destroying Dylan's ego," Parker, who's the first one to stop his laugh, informs him.
"That must've hurt."
When Dylan ten minutes later comes back, he stops in the middle of the living room.
"I forgive you," he tells me.
Then he takes back his seat next to me, throwing his right arm over my shoulder.
As the boys laugh and converse, a huge smile spreads across my face as I realize something; I didn't flinch when Dylan's arm ended up on my shoulder.
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
Landon went out, just like Isaac, and the remaining boys watched some series on Netflix. I started doing homework, and when I one hour and a half later had finished three assignments and studied math and biology for my upcoming tests, I decided to go down to the boys.
They're watching some boys show, and I remind myself not to complain since they've been watching I Know What I'm Doing with me uncountable times, so I sit down beside Dylan on the couch and watch as the guy on the screen gets inside his car and leaves the house he was currently located in with a roar.
"What's it about?" I ask, deciding I should try starting a conversation.
"Some dude working for the president whose son's been kidnapped and whom now is stealing information from the White House and handing it over to the kidnapper in exchange of getting his kid back," Dylan quickly summarizes. "You wanna watch something else?"
"No, I just wondered what it was about. Sounds good."
No it doesn't. I hate these kinds of movies. I'm not much for police movies, kidnapping movies, and the rest of all those movies about something criminal. There are many kinds of movies I don't like; horrors, thrillers, police, action, drama and romantic movies. I only like comedies or documentaries and those family movies I used to watch with my family before this mess. It's a no thanks to everything else, but once more, I'm not gonna say it, because they've watched my serie with me several times, and watching this with them once won't hurt.
"You hate it," Parker says.
"No I don't," I lie.
"Yes, you do. You've been grimacing ever since you walked down."
"But it's not because I don't like it."
This is the only lie they've found out until now, and I hope it will be the only lie they'll ever find out.
"Bestie I told you to change it," Dylan says. "What channel was I Know What I'm Doing?"
"No, stop," I tell him. "If I wouldn't liked it I would've gone back to my room and finished my homework, but I wanna watch."
"You sure?"
"Of course."
Total lie. I don't like the events going on on the screen, but I don't have any homework to finish either, so I'm stuck here. Also, I don't wanna make them give up their movie for me.
They're just as always commenting on everything, when Landon walks inside the house.
His relationship has been better with the boys since last night, when they saw me and him are okay, or kinda okay, but it's not completely flawless and like it used to be just yet.
"Hey," he says and puts a hand on my shoulder that I jump at. I knew he came, but I wasn't prepared for me to be the first one he says hi to.
I look up and see him standing beside me, looking down at me with a small, sad smile.
"Hi," I say.
"Is it okay if we talk?"
I'm still not used to his niceness and his sudden vulnerability, what I'd like to call it.
"No," Parker answers for me. "You remember how the fuck it went the last time you two were supposed to talk?"
"It's not like that time now, this time I'm only gonna talk to her."
"Parker it's fine," I say, knowing this time actually is, fine. "Don't worry. Yeah we can talk."
Depending on what.
I stand up and wait for him to start walking so I can follow, and he walks upstairs, waiting before entering his room.
"Is it okay if we talk in the room?"
I swallow, and then I nod. He won't hurt me, the anxious part of me thinking otherwise is just my fear of Noah talking.
He opens the door and waits for me to walk inside, and when I after years realize he is, indeed, waiting for me to walk inside, I run inside. I'm gonna admit, he's the last person I was imagining being .
He closes the door and takes out the key, and I've got to say my heart fell a bit. "Look if it's okay with you, I want to lock it. This is important, I don't want anyone intruding. I'll give you the key, if that makes you more comfortable. It's only if you're fine with it okay? I can open."
"No it's okay," I assure him, not knowing if I'll regret this or what. Part of me is saying I will, but the bigger part says he won't hurt me.
He locks and walks over to me, handing me the key and then motioning towards his bed. I insecurely sit down on the edge of it and watch him do the same.
"I want to talk about what happened." Colors drain from my face when I hear this. I hold on tighter to the key and considerate escaping. I knew this is what he wanted to talk about, obviously, but to finally hear him say it....
I look down and wait for his questions to roll in. Please just make it quick. "I wanna tell you why I did that Hayden. After school that day I went out and I got lot of time to think. I thought about what that thing was doing there, and it hit me that you don't seem to be that kind of girl. From practically nowhere, every second from when you came just came to my mind and I just.... look it all made sense. How terrified you were to see us, how terrified you are even now, how you jumped whenever we touched you and especially how you were close to crying when Dylan tickled you." He looks down, his teeth grit and his hands forming a fist with white knuckles. His lips are a straight line, and from his appearance I feel like he wants to break something.
I, on the other hand, am scratching the back of my thumb with my other thumb, so hard, that my skin will probably be gone in a few remaining layers. I'm holding back my tears and I'm sitting on my knees, trying to take up as little space as possible, as if I'll feel smaller and then maybe believe I'm able to disappear in a few seconds. He doesn't seem to be very bothered about space although; he's sitting with his knees crossed, taking up almost half of his bed. "I remember...." he inhales and swallows before continuing. "I remember that day when you came back home like a ghost. I didn't care at first, I just walked past you, and I have no idea why I turned around to look at you when you walked past me, but I did, and it was terrible. I talked to you, you didn't answer me, I... I looked you in the eyes and tried finding out what the actual fuck that was wrong with you, but I didn't see anything. You were so empty, you were gone. It was as if you didn't have any senses or consciousness and it was scary. I hadn't been that scared in a while, and Hayden you have no idea how bad it was. I touched you, I grabbed your arms and you just... you just collapsed."
I have no memory from that day. After Noah everything else is a blur, until I woke up and Landon was sitting beside me. "It wasn't just scary to see you like that, it terrified me, it was so bad. Just remembering it is bad. I thought about it that day and everything you had said and done from the moment you walked inside the house led to just one thing." I scratch my thumb harder. I don't know for how much longer that I can stay here with him. "I knew you wouldn't give me an answer if I asked, I needed a confirmation. This isn't an excuse, don't take it as an excuse to what I did because nothing in this world can make up to it, I know, but I needed to know if I was right. From the way you knew exactly what was going on, how you were so terrified of me, when you tried reasoning with me and told me to not do it and how you screamed for help, it all just fit in the fucking messy puzzle that's your life. The worst thing that day was when you told me not to do it, and that's why I hate myself. Hayden I care about you, I'm not letting someone hurt you and especially not that way. To see you that day when you collapsed right in front of me, with that look on your face, it broke me, bad." A few tears build up in my eyes, and I hope that by swallowing as much as I'm doing right now, they and the pain from my thumb will disappear. "Hayden tell me who it is."
I look up at him for the first time, my eyes wide and my tears uncontrollable. "What they're doing to you is literally bringing out an anger in me I haven't felt for long. Hayden we all know you're hiding something from us, we all know something's up with you, and for me to be the only one with that answer but without knowing who it is, that's awful. I want to help you, I want to get you out of this hell, and I know I can do it, but you've got to help me. I need to know who it is in order to help you."
"No," I say, the lump in my throat making it something close to impossible to talk without whining. "You weren't supposed to know, no one was, and I can't do anything about you knowing now, but I can keep you out of it. What you're trying to do is dangerous. You're walking on some really thin strings and they're thinning for each step you're taking towards this mess. The more you wanna know, the more steps you take, the more dangerous it is for you. I get you wanna help, but I'm not gonna be responsible for that you fall down when those strings break. I'm not gonna be the one who's cutting off all your strings, I'm not. Landon I'm sorry but please stay out of if."
If Noah finds out that out of all people, Landon knows, he'll hurt him. Really bad. I'm not gonna be responsible for someone else getting hurt, Harris was one too much. I get he wants to help, but I'm not gonna drag him down in the water only because he offered me a hand when I was drowning. I'm not that selfish.
"Hayden you're my housemate, I care about you, even if I didn't do it before. I wanna help you, please let me do it. Stop hurting yourself like this."
He leans forward a bit and puts his hand over the one I'm currently scratching the skin off, and even though I try pulling it back, he holds it. It doesn't hurt, but it's tight enough so that I can't do anything about it at all. He puts my hand over my knee and puts his own above it. As long as he doesn't move, it's almost fine. "You're losing it Hayden, and I'm not gonna stand beside you and watch you break down. I'm not expecting you to trust me and to start loving me all at once only because I had a reason to do what I did. I know you hate me right now because even I hate myself for what I did, but please just let me help you."
I look up and meet his eyes, seeing a few tears in them.
Noah's never cried.
"I don't hate you," I whine out. "I really don't, but I'm sorry, I-"
"Don't apologize, I know you can't trust me, and Hayden that's fine, but I need a name, please give it to me."
I slowly shake my head.
"I'm sorry."
I remove my hand from under his in a quick move, and he doesn't put his hand back down again. I get up from his bed and rush towards the door, trying to fit the key in the keyhole but failing miserably. I close my eyes, causing more tears to fall down, and exhale before trying again. My hands wouldn't shake this much even if I was holding a chainsaw.
I hear how he raises up from the bed, and I hear his footsteps behind me, and I feel his look on me from above.
"Hayden I'm not letting this go, I'm not letting you go through this when I can help. My name isn't Landon Fernandez if I don't put this to an end."
He puts his hand over mine and unlocks the door, opening it and letting me escape first into my room and then into my bathroom.
I look at myself in the mirror, and I see the bag with the dirty clothes behind me, my stomach flipping in disgust when I remember the strips concealed in there. I look down at my hands, seeing their shaking won't stop, and turn on the water. I let the sound of the flooding water cover the sound of my sobs. My tears are running down my eyes, just like my nose is.
I never wanted to drag anyone into this mess, I never wanted to give Noah an opportunity and reason to hurt anyone. I just wanted to pass high school and then move somewhere far away from here, more far than Phoenix, but I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't handle one more year with Noah's torture, I couldn't handle one more year with my friends and with living under the same roof as mum and John, so I tried escaping, but for what use? Noah's here, and it's a matter of time before he calls mum, and now someone's dragged into this.
I wash my face in hope that it's gonna wash over all the proof to that I'm going deeper and deeper down into the ocean that's doing a good job drowning me. I look up in the mirror again, and see the crying reflection of Landon standing in my door.
I wipe my tears away and turn around, but even if he wouldn't have seen me cry, it would've been obvious because of my voice.
"Please go," I beg. "Please just go Landon, leave me alone."
I've never ever seen him cry, and I can tell you it hurts to know I'm the reason he's crying so bad.
He doesn't say anything. He takes a step forward, closes the door and then approaches me. It scares me really much when he does this, but after what he just told me in his room, I remain still when he snakes his arms around me and holds me against his chest, leaning his head on mine.
It doesn't feel like someone hugging me, like someone's arms are around me and can move any second. It feels like something is just surrounding me. Someone.
I have no idea what's taken over me, because this isn't the usual Hayden. The usual Hayden would've started screaming as soon as he'd close the door, and she'd hit him away with all her force and power, and she would definitely not let him hug her this tight, but I do. I let him do all of that, and I let him whisper above my ear that it's okay and it's over, that they'll never touch me again and that he's here for me, and I let my tears flow down like never before and wet down his shirt.
When my sobs slowly start coming to an end, he just as slowly let's go of me and instead grabs my face, stroking my cheeks with his thumbs.
"Don't cry," he tells me. "Those motherfuckers aren't worth any of your tears. I promise you this will end, I swear Hayden."
When he let's go of me he walks out, closing the door after him. I wash my face and dry it with my towel, putting much effort on trying to mask my puffy eyes, and at the end being satisfied with the results even though I shouldn't. I walk out and see him standing with his back against the wall, looking out of my window. When he see me he pushes himself off of the wall and we walk down.
"That took its while," Dylan says, and I see Isaac has joined them now. "Come on bestie, I Know What I'm Doing starts now."
He pats the empty seat beside him on the couch and I sit down on it. Landon sits down on the floor with his back against the armchair of the couch.
"It's about a girl.....," Isaac says, pausing. "Whose mouth is too big in comparison to her thoughts. How can any of you like this?"
Honestly, the show isn't good. I used to watch it with my best friend Kaitlyn back in Minneapolis, she loved it. I just started watching it because of her, and I continued watching because I wanted to know what was going to happen to Tammy, not because the show is good.
I know Dylan hates it, he does, but he pretends to like it, even love it, only because I watch it. It's so hard not to love Dylan.
"Shut up," he tells Isaac when the high pitched voice of Tammy starts singing and every character pops up on the screen together with the actors' real names. "We'll find out if she'll wear the red or purple dress to prom today."
~
Sometimes all you need is a second chance, because time wasn't enough for the first one.
~
And now THAT is sorted out, thank God for that.
Disclaimer; my school starts next week, so there will be more time between the posting of the chapters, which I'll apologize for, but obviously, the base of my future's more important.
Landon?? Is he worth giving a chance or is it buh-bye?
Can Dylan get more adorable? Answer; yes ;)
I hope you liked these chapters. The next chapter/s will be posted hopefully next week. I'll try writing as soon as I get some spare time, but I doubt I will. My school's changed this year and the classes are pretty dang hard with lots of studying but hey, who knows?
Next chapter's gonna have some hoooot tea and cookies, served on the golden tray of whuuuuut??
If you liked the chapter/s make sure to leave
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I'll see you (hopefully hehe ...) next week.
Have a good day.
xoxoMichelle