[ 38. goodbye ]
J E O N G G U K
i just had to finish their story, and
i couldn't bring myself to leave you
guys hanging so here it is: the end
of WORST BEHAVIOR
chapter song recommendations.
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"You're awake," Jeongguk doesn't expect to see his father standing by his door this early. Usually the man would already be driving to the church, fulfilling his duties as the pastor. They rarely see each other on the mornings except... for today.
"Chaeha told me about what happened," His dad clears his throat. Jeongguk nods, tongue sticking to the roof of his mouth. His dad sighs when he's met with silence and invites himself in without asking as Jeongguk's eyes trail after him.
"I'm glad it worked," Jeongguk blinks several times. He forces himself to hide the shock that tries to raise his eyebrows and widen his eyes, instead keeping his expression flat to avoid suspicion.
His mother must have lied like they have settled. A deal is a deal with a woman like his mother; she stays true to her word as long as he does his part. And by 'doing his part', it's pretending he's cured unless he wants to be thrown out into the streets.
No matter how unfair her ultimatum is, Jeongguk knows either way that he can't get what he wants. Taehyung is too out of reach, and even if they try to hold on, all they can do is brush their fingers against one another's fingertips.
So close, yet so, so far. Jeongguk can taste Taehyung on his tongue and also the hot, searing bitterness of bile in his throat. He's not sure if he's feeling sick because the reality is catching up to him, or because he has to lie to himself just for the sake of a home and a better future.
"M-me too," Jeongguk says, carefully choosing his words in his mind. His dad can barely look at him in the eye, but at least he's speaking to him. That's something.
"I can never forgive you f-for this nonsense," His dad stumbles over his words; not like his pastor-self who is known to speak smoothly. "But I'm glad you love this family enough to change who you are."
His words are another slap to the face. Harsh and quick, but the feeling lingers and digs deep beneath his skin. It stays there, and he knows he'll forever remember it: the leftovers of disappointment tangible on his cheek. Even though it's just words, words hurt. They hurt more than we want to admit.
"Yeah," Jeongguk breathes, and from the corner of his eye he can catch a glimpse of a shadow flitting
behind his curtain. It's Taehyung, obviously. He's probably wondering where he went.
"Promise never to disappoint me again?" His dad doesn't say it like a question. It's more of a command that Jeongguk has no choice but to follow.
Luckily it's only a year before he can leave.
"I promise," Jeongguk presses his lips together. With each second, it's harder to look his father in the eyes.
"Good," His dad pats his shoulder. It lasts no longer than a second before he recoils his hand back as if Jeongguk is the embodiment of sin and hell.
"Make me proud, son," His dad says, getting up from his bed. Never does he look in his direction again, and both of them know that it'll soon be their new normal.
"I will, sir."
A couple moments pass by, and his father's presence seems to linger; like he's watching him even though he already left and shut the door behind him. His father is probably expecting him to do right and make up for his sins while getting ready for work, but the first thing Jeongguk does when he's gone does the complete opposite.
He goes right to Taehyung without thinking.
Boxes. A whole assortment of them, big and small, clutter Taehyung's bedroom when Jeongguk lifts the window open and slides beneath it. In fact, the first thing his feet bump into is boxes of Taehyung's stuff.
"You're not supposed to be here," He whips his head up to where Taehyung stands. The older has his arms pressed over his chest and this crease between his two eyebrows. His voice is also empty like his room. Emotions packed away for good.
"You didn't tell me you were packing."
"I didn't want to worry you."
Jeongguk ignores him and steps over another box. He glances at it for a second, noticing it says trash and inside of it is tattered football gear. Jeongguk frowns, stepping back and crouching down to pick up the jersey that's now ruined and ripped apart. It wasn't like that before, Jeongguk notes.
"When did this happen?" Jeongguk runs his fingers over Taehyung's jersey number— the number 30. His frown deepens when his thumb slips through a hole that stretches across his last name.
"A few days ago," Taehyung ambles over to his bed where more boxes sit not quite filled yet. On the sides in Taehyung's neat handwriting says the basics— clothes and personal belongings.
"Did Jason do it?" Jeongguk asks, glancing at the pile, which contains broken cleats, a snapped neck support, and pieces of ripped apart shoulder pads. All of it looks expensive but now, it's worth nothing.
"Yeah. It was him," Taehyung nods, biting the inside of his cheek and turning his head to avoid the younger's questioning stare.
"T-this is horrible, Tae," Jeongguk gets up to his feet, his brows now furrowing. Taehyung says nothing, continuing to fold shirts and pants. "Did you do anything? I knew your teammates were trouble but this, t-this is messed up—."
"—Doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done," Taehyung throws a trophy into the trash box a little too roughly it crashes into the other objects, causing Jeongguk to flinch at the sudden noise.
Something's wrong with Taehyung to the point he can't even look Jeongguk in the eye properly. He observes the older take a step back from his bed, eyes squeezing shut and breathing shallowing.
Jeongguk doesn't understand what's the sudden change. Last night when they were in each other's arms, Taehyung had peppered his face with kisses and declared his love for him over and over again. Jeongguk's laughter could have been heard from the next few houses over because he was just so damn happy to be with him. To finally be in his arms.
What has changed? Jeongguk doesn't know. Their happiness is fragile; that's for a fact. Anything can break it, ruin it, and take it away from them because people like them don't deserve happiness. People like them have to work for it, and the second they experience it, it's gone all over again.
"Are you okay?" Jeongguk whispers, hesitant in taking a step toward Taehyung.
Taehyung's eyes slowly open, and soon, their gazes are locking onto one another's. Jeongguk can feel his breath hitch in his throat, the way Taehyung's intense stare throws him off guard. His eyes are dark; darker than the night sky yet it seems to hold more than the universe can possibly contain. Love. Unsaid words. Regret. Guilt.
"Are you okay?" He redirects the question easily.
Jeongguk's feet drag him closer. His heart hammers in his chest, swaying back and forth in an endless loop. For what reason? He doesn't know.
"Saying it could be better would be lying."
Jeongguk doesn't feel his lips move. He blinks, and suddenly he's standing in front of Taehyung. Their bodies are nearly parallel. Their chests are touching and so are the tips of their fingers. A chill runs down Jeongguk's spine feeling the warmth of Taehyung's finger tips trace down his elbow to the curved bone on his wrist.
He tilts his head up to meet Taehyung's eyes, and in that moment it's like he's suffocating underneath the weight he can't describe that fills them to the brim. Black like a void. Endless yet limited by pain.
"I don't want to go," Taehyung whispers, his chin trembling and so are his words. Jeongguk gulps, the knot growing bigger than he expects.
Taehyung's fingers curl around his wrist, gently tugging him forward to eliminate the leftover space (if it even existed) between them. Jeongguk peers up at him, feeling crushed beneath his gaze. He exhales slowly, letting Taehyung's other palm slide over his cheek.
"I never wanted to leave you. I wanted to stay and run away from all our fucking problems because it felt right, but I-I realized that's immature and stupid and dumb and that you deserve better," Taehyung whispers, delicately running his thumb across the apple of his cheek as though as if he presses too hard he'll lose him.
"I don't deserve better. I deserve you," Jeongguk doesn't know where the boldness comes from, but it leaves his mouth too fast for him to catch.
Taehyung's eyes widen for a second, though the flicker of shock disappears in an instant. The older forces his lips into a wobbly smile that he holds only for the sake of Jeongguk. It's a tired smile. Tired from fighting and struggling. Tired because he's ready to give up.
"We can't be together anymore."
"Who told us we can't?"
"Everyone," Taehyung breathes, dropping his hand back to his side. Jeongguk pretends his lack of touch doesn't bother him. It still does. "And everything."
"Are you saying t-that," Jeongguk's eyebrows knit together and from the corner of his eye he can see Taehyung's hand twitching to touch him. Silently he begs him to but it never happens.
"That we should give up," Taehyung finishes for him. The words stab at his heart. He had expected a pang but no, it's a stab. A couple stabs. A hundred stabs.
"You want us to g-give up?"
He tells himself this is all a dream or some sick, cruel joke. However, it's all too real at the same time. Taehyung's quivering lips that he bites constantly to keep himself from crying. The pain that screams in Jeongguk's mind.
"Maybe it's our only choice," Taehyung nods, taking a step back. Jeongguk wants to pull him forward, pull him back to him or else he'll truly lose him. He'll drift so far away he can't hold onto him anymore.
"There has to be o-other options," Jeongguk tries, but his words are interrupted by the sob that slips uncontrollably past his lips. He cups his hand over his mouth, trying to shove it back in but it all escapes in the ugliest way possible.
"Jeongguk, I'll be gone for who knows how long. I'll be in Korea, far from you. Do you really think I haven't tried to think of other options?"
Taehyung cards his fingers through his already disheveled hair, on the verge of exploding. Jeongguk shakes his head, tasting wet salt on his tongue.
"Do you still love me?" Jeongguk looks up at him beneath lashes coated with his own tears. He licks his dry lips, the saltiness stinging his taste buds.
"O-Of course. I'll never stop," Taehyung answers. It's automatic and short, and Jeongguk knows he wants to say more. Taehyung himself wants to say more. But sometimes, it's much better to say less.
"Then don't stop. You can give up on us all you want but please, please promise me you won't stop loving me because I know for sure I won't stop loving you."
Jeongguk's shoulders begin to tremble and the tears that roll down his cheeks fall quicker, heavier. He can't seem to control it, and every emotion he feels is amplified, electrified. He can't explain what he feels because if he does, he'll end up empty handed. All he knows is that it's pain, and pain is indescribable.
"Okay, I promise," Taehyung takes another step back. It's a small step but it feels as though he's prying the gap between them to be larger as if the larger it is, the easier it is to turn away.
"You promise? For sure?"
"For sure."
"And if you break it, I'll go o-over there and h-hit you," Jeongguk hiccups, trying his best to smile. He wipes his tears with his sleeve, trying and trying but it grows harder to keep pretending. Nothing's okay, yet because of some unknown rule, nobody's allowed to say it.
"But w-what if I break it because I-I wanna see you again?" Taehyung teases him in an attempt to lighten the mood. Both of them know it's far from saving, but it doesn't hurt to try. Jeongguk cracks a genuine smile for once.
"We'll see each other again," Jeongguk assures Taehyung rather than himself with hopes the boy would feel at least a bit better in their situation.
"Yeah, and when I see you, I'll marry you," Taehyung laughs, pretending to flinch when Jeongguk smacks his arm playfully. The two burst into laughter, the tension easing slightly between them.
And with the rest of the morning, Jeongguk helps Taehyung pack. They fold clothes in a comfortable silence. Sometimes they even engage in small talk that Jeongguk desperately craves despite having an underlying dislike for.
Nothing too grand to signify the end of their short-lived relationship. It's a mutual agreement, though Jeongguk, as selfish as it is, wishes Taehyung to stop folding his shirts and tell him he won't go. That he won't leave and that he'll stay with him.
But it never happens because neither of them are selfish and they're supposed to break up. It's how it's supposed to be, after all.
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It's only noon yet Jeongguk's already crippled with exhaustion.
Taehyung's moving car is filled, and their car is packed with their suitcases that they'll take on the plane to Korea in just a few hours. In just a few hours Taehyung will be gone, and Jeongguk will be left behind, alone because that's also how it's supposed to be.
Beomsoo is talking to Dan for one last time on the porch. Something about Korea leaves his lips and an offer to go to the bar for a goodbye drink is said in a joking manner to bite back at the sadness hanging in the air. Jeongguk wonders if they'll miss each other.
Then there's his parents who are sitting on their porch. Neither of them want to talk to Beomsoo for their relationship is severed all because of their gay sons. At least they have decency to see them off even if they won't dare to approach them.
And second to last is Grace. She's sitting beside Jeongguk on the porch swing, twiddling with the bow tie on her ratty converse. For the entirety of the time she has been here, she hasn't said thing, which is totally unlike Grace but it's crazy how sadness plagues people's personalities.
She hasn't shed a tear yet. Maybe she's saving them for when Taehyung leaves or for her pillow. Either way, she's going to cry just like Jeongguk— it's
inevitable.
Finally, the last person to show up is Taehyung.
He looks beyond exhausted when he steps out of his dad's car, finally finished with loading the last of his moving boxes. His blonde hair hangs over his eyes like a curtain, and his shoulders seem to be stuck in a permanent slump like he's carrying the weight of everything yet again.
Taehyung doesn't smile once when he approaches his father. They talk for a little bit; their voices are hushed and Beomsoo pats his shoulder to perhaps encourage him about the move. Although, neither of them look convinced that this feels right.
Beomsoo gestures towards Grace and him on the bench, and soon Taehyung turns around, walking towards them. Jeongguk straightens up in his seat, nudging Grace beside him to look up from her lap.
Taehyung eventually stops in front of the two, licking his lips as his gaze falls on them.
"I have one more thing for you guys," Taehyung clears his throat. Grace and Jeongguk instantly rise, the two of them eager for one last moment with Taehyung before he leaves.
"Show us the way," Grace says, already breathless. Taehyung glances at Jeongguk, and he swears he sees regret in his eyes but Taehyung's turning away too fast for him to dwell on it.
They follow Taehyung back into his house. It's still fully furnished but it's emptied of their personal belongings. Taehyung leads them past the kitchen and to the back gate, where Jeongguk already knows what's going to happen.
Grace hasn't been to the Gazebo yet. Jeongguk, on the other hand, has ventured to the Gazebo multiple times and the thought of it has his head spinning. His throat closes tight, hating their reality and that this is how it ends. He doesn't want it to end, but he really doesn't have a choice anymore.
The trio push past the overgrowth and into the clearing where the Gazebo stands. It's white paint is chipped and the lattice on it is barely viewable with the vines and brush that grow onto it like a second skin. It's old and aging, and with time it'll collapse, but for now, it's as if time has stopped.
"Come here," Taehyung takes Jeongguk's hand in his by surprise. "I have something to show you."
Jeongguk swallows, nearly choking at the heat Taehyung's fingers bring to his naturally cold ones. It's how their palms fit oh-so perfectly against one another's that makes Jeongguk suffocate and realize this is all real. This isn't a nightmare or a dream.
It's reality, and that's what scares him the most.
Soon they come to the front steps of the Gazebo, and Grace and Jeongguk aren't sure what Taehyung has for them. However, the boy slips his hand into his pocket and takes out a pocket knife.
"If you're planning to harm yourself...," Grace frowns but Taehyung shakes his head, flipping the knife open.
He undoes his fingers from Jeongguk's and walks up the small set of stairs. He stops at one of the posts, holding the knife out. Jeongguk and Grace let out the breath they didn't know they are holding as Taehyung carves something into the peeling wood.
Once he's done, Taehyung takes a step back, extending a hand at the wooden pole. Jeongguk and Grace step closer to get a better look, and on it in Taehyung's hand writing is his name.
Neither one of the three say a word as they pass the knife between them. First Grace gets the knife and she writers her name on top of Taehyung's. Next is Jeongguk and with shaky hands, he writes his name under Taehyung's. Once that's done, Taehyung takes the knife and draws a heart over the three of their names before throwing it into a bush.
GRACE ANDERSON. KIM TAEHYUNG. JEON JEONGGUK.
"So this is goodbye, isn't it?"
Grace pats Taehyung's shoulder. Taehyung nods stiffly, keeping his stare straight ahead to where their names are carved forever into the wood. Grace drapes her arm around Taehyung's shoulder and Jeongguk follows. Taehyung slides his arms around Grace's shoulder and his other around Jeongguk's waist, pulling them close to him.
"No," Taehyung murmurs, feeling the weight of their heads lean against his shoulders. Jeongguk exhales softly when Taehyung's grip tightens on his waist.
"We're saying hello in advance for the next time I get to see you both."
"And when will that be?" Jeongguk asks, his voice barely a whisper that it seems to blend in with the breeze. Taehyung doesn't answer him for awhile, confirming the fact that they'll never know when their lives will ever cross again.
"I don't know," is what leaves Taehyung's lips. Never did Jeongguk think those three, simple words would hurt him this bad.
"W-Why is this so hard?" Grace whispers, burying her face onto Taehyung's shoulder. Grace's quiet sniffles fill the silence, and god, Jeongguk wishes he can cry but nothing seems to come out anymore.
"I don't know," Taehyung's grip tightens, desperate to hold them longer. Jeongguk himself doesn't want to leave him either.
"You'll call right? And send postcards?" Grace pulls away from him. The two boys' gazes avert to their best friend, seeing the saddened smile on her lips that's seconds from turning into a frown but Grace is too stubborn to let herself be less than positive.
"I'll try," Taehyung promises them both. Is it an empty promise? Jeongguk can't tell anymore when everything sounds the same.
The three of them separate from one another for the final time. Grace wraps her arms around Taehyung and hugs him close, still having to stand on the tips of her toes. Taehyung gives her a gentle squeeze, and as fast as their hug starts, it ends just as quick.
"I-I'll leave you two," Grace says, rubbing at her eyes with her palms. "Goodbye Taehyung." She whispers, patting Taehyung's shoulder before leaving the way they entered.
Soon the ruffling of branches and leaves falls into silence, leaving Taehyung and Jeongguk together. It's the last time they'll be together, Jeongguk knows that for sure. Yet as the two of them stand there in eachother's presence, it doesn't feel like the end.
It feels like the rough beginning of something better.
"You're not crying," Jeongguk says, his tone teasing. Taehyung's lips tug into a small smile; not quite the rectangular one that Jeongguk loves but at least it's a smile.
"You aren't either," Taehyung comments, gesturing at him. They stand parallel of each other, though not one of them are close but standing a good distance from one another. It's funny how they're already practicing how to be alone.
"Are you ready to leave?" Small talk hasn't been a fan favorite of Jeongguk's yet he starts it anyways.
"Not really, but I guess that's how life is. You're never ready but eventually you will be," Taehyung scratches the side of his neck, chuckling softly.
Jeongguk's not sure if there's anything left to say, seeing that he can't say goodbye the way he wants to or else if he does get his way, he won't be saying goodbye in the first place. He doesn't ever want to say goodbye to Taehyung, yet here he is.
It's really funny how life works the way you don't want it to sometimes.
"Are you happy, Taehyung?" Jeongguk asks, looking up at the boy who has been his first for many of things. First love, first time, first boyfriend. His first memory of a lover.
"If you are," Taehyung says, biting down on his bottom lip. "If you're happy, then I'm the happiest guy in the world."
"Then I'm happy," Jeongguk breathes, feeling his feet sway beneath him. Nothing around him is dizzy, however. No, he's going to Taehyung— to the boy he loves and will forever love.
"And that makes me the happiest guy in the world."
Jeongguk closes the distance between them and slowly extends his hands until they're settling on Taehyung's firm chest. He tilts his head up, peering at him with his lips slightly parted. Any closer, he'll be kissing him, and perhaps that's what he wants.
"You have to forget me eventually okay?" Taehyung cups his face, gently caressing Jeongguk's cheek with the pad of his thumb. Jeongguk nods, unable to breathe but pain of suffocating has never felt this bittersweet.
"Why would I?" He can feel his breath fan across his lips. Jeongguk takes fistfuls of his shirt, not wanting to let him go in the moment.
"Because it's easier to forget than remember and cry my love," His words are supposed to anger Jeongguk for saying something so ridiculous as that but he's right. Taehyung's so right it hurts.
"I'd rather you laugh and smile and make memories with someone new than cry over someone who doesn't exist in your life anymore."
He knows he'll never love someone the same way he loves Taehyung but people move on. They will move on, find new people, and continue to move on until their names are a distant memory in their minds and a story to tell on their tongue.
Taehyung's right, and Jeongguk wishes he isn't mostly because it hurts, and hurting sucks.
"Goodbye, my love," Taehyung whispers, his lips a fraction away from meeting Jeongguk's. Jeongguk pulls him closer, brushing his lips against his.
"Don't say that yet," He whispers, and just as Taheyung's about to ask why he kisses him.
He kisses him with every fiber of his being. Soft and slow, their lips move fluidly against one another's. Jeongguk tries to memorize how it feels to kiss him, noting how Taehyung always tastes sweet and his lips are not quite soft but have this sort of roughness to them that's addictive.
Taehyung's arms trail down to his arms, his grip coiling around his forearms in a way neither one can tell if they're about to push away or pull even closer than humanely possible. His brows begin to furrow as Taehyung deepens the kiss, pressing himself firmly against him, body curving into his own.
Finally they have to pull apart to breathe properly, and for a moment, Jeongguk leans his forehead against Taehyung's. His eyes are closed shut, unable to open as he listens in to Taehyung's jagged breaths and their heartbeats that seem to beat together in the same rhythm.
"I love you," Jeongguk says, releasing his fingers from Taehyung's shirt. Taehyung squeezes his wrists before dropping his hands to his sides and creating the distance between them that Jeongguk's starting to hate.
"I love you too," Taehyung whispers, and for the last time they say goodbye without another word since saying goodbye to the one you love is a harsher type of pain that's simply too difficult to voice.
You've changed me forever, and I'll never forget you.
Taehyung leaves with Beomsoo to the airport soon after.
And life, as much as Jeongguk hates to admit it, resumes like nothing ever happened.
Summer passes by in a blink of an eye, but it isn't uneventful as most summers are. In the time after Taehyung has left for Korea, things don't change very much until something shocking happens that nobody in town has ever expected.
A rape case against Jason and a couple other members of the football team had been started by a girl who has decided to express her voice. Jeongguk doesn't know her very well, but details of the rape case had been shared on every single newspaper in the county.
The trial had lasted for a month, but the impact of the sudden accusations hit the town worse than any natural disaster can. The Lake had been shut down in the process, forcing rebellious kids to find another hangout spot (which they eventually did), the football team ended their season early, and many parents were devastated by their children's behavior.
Justin's mom who is a lawyer had fought for the case to proceed, and in the end, the girl had sadly lost. But that doesn't mean the case hasn't done any other damage to the boys involved.
Jason lost his football scholarship, his credibility, and his position on the team. The other boys had the same fate. However, unlike the others, Jason and his family left Memphis to avoid the consequences the trial had given their son to deal with for the rest of his life.
Jeongguk never sees Jason again after that.
In the mean time, Jeongguk spends his last year with Steven and Grace. People at school had stopped bullying him once Jason had left, and the people who did bully him had Grace and Steven to answer to. He's thankful for them, to be honest.
Right after that is their senior graduation, and Jeongguk had received a decent scholarship to study psychology in New York. New York is where He used to live, and he guesses part of the reason he takes the offer is because he wants to know the reason why Taehyung had loved New York so dearly.
Plus going to New York feels like he's taking a step closer to the boy he still can't help but love even though he's an entire ocean away.
And to make their situation even better, Grace is also going to the same college as him to study psychology with Jeongguk. While they're going to New York for university, Steven has received the scholarship Taehyung and Jason failed to get to Florida State.
Days go by faster than Jeongguk can comprehend. With each passing second the pain that once dragged him down slowly eases away, replacing the heaviness in his chest with this airiness he can't describe. Every smile, moment, and laugh he has shared with the friends in his life is the best possible remedy to help him recover.
For once, things feel complete again.
On the last day of graduation, Jeongguk and his parents are waving goodbye to the guests that had attended his graduation party. The sun is setting, their stomachs are filled with food and happiness, and Jeongguk's mouth aches from smiling.
"Everything's packed son?" His dad pats his shoulder once the guests are all gone. His mom has went back inside to clean, leaving the two men out on the front porch.
"Yeah, I'm ready," Jeongguk gives him a smile. He wonders when the action has become effortless in his father's presence.
"Don't forget your old dad when you're living the city life," Both of them burst into laughter; the type of laughter where Jeongguk's eyes crinkle and his heart flutters along with his stomach.
The laughter eventually fades, and the warm afternoon settles between them like a cozy blanket. Jeongguk grips at the fence railing, gazing out to the land before him which appears a hazy orangish-yellow from the golden sunset up above.
He can't believe he graduated to be honest. He's only seventeen but he can already feel the weight of the world on him. It's not a crushing weight, however. It's more of a promising feeling that everything will be okay even if it'll take a bit of figuring things out to completely settle.
"M'gonna miss Memphis," Jeongguk admits, tone growing solemn. His dad's hand settles on his shoulder, resting there like some sort of assurance.
"Of course. You'll always be a little homesick deep down no matter where you go in life," His dad says, squeezing his shoulder. "Everything you've ever done will trace right back to where it started."
"That's pretty cheesy coming from you," Jeongguk smiles, turning his head towards his old dad.
"Ah shush. I'm just passin' on wisdom to my son. You've made me so proud, you know," His dad chuckles, ruffling his hair. "My only son, studying to become a doctor."
"Dad, I told you. I'm going to be a trauma therapist," Jeongguk swats his hand away playfully. "I wanna help people recover from traumatic issues." He says, unable to shake off the memories of himself that appear in his mind.
"And you'll go do that and I'll be proud as ever."
"T-Thank you," Jeongguk whispers, feeling a lump begin to build in his throat. His dad nods, not saying anything else as he drapes his arm over his shoulder.
"But I'll still call you a doctor though."
"Of course you will."
"Love you kid. Know I'll always be proud," His dad chuckles, his words somehow easing the worries Jeongguk has been struggling with for a year.
His dad gives him a side hug one last time and excuses himself to go inside. Right as he opens the screen door, his mother's on her way out. Jeongguk raises an eyebrow at her, noticing the little envelope in her hands. He leans against the railing, giving her a bright smile as she brushes past his dad.
"What's up?" Jeongguk asks, tilting his head to the side when his mother hands him the envelope. Curiosity sparks within him, but as he's about to tear it open, his mother stops him.
"I just want to say a couple things before you read it," His mom hushes her voice to a mere whisper. She glances back and forth between the door, chewing on her bottom lip.
"Is something wrong?"
"No, n-no it's just— you never told your father, did you?" His mom looks up at him. Jeongguk shakes his head after some thought. For the last year he's kept everything a secret just like he had promised.
"Well we must be quiet then," She laughs softly, though it's clear something's still bothering her. Before Jeongguk can ask, she interrupts him. "Inside that envelope are postcards."
"Postcards?" Jeongguk's eyebrows furrow. His mom nods, the edges of her lips curling upwards.
"Over the past year, I've been collecting these so your father won't see them. We both know your father will never accept the fact that you're gay, and I knew he'd throw them away if he saw.... so I kept them for you," She explains. Jeongguk's lips curve into an 'o' shape as he shakes the envelope, hearing the paper inside.
"So are these...?" Jeongguk asks, feeling his chest constrict. He can't bring himself to say his name outloud, knowing the pain that'll be unleashed if he speaks of him.
"Yes," his mom smiles, "these postcards are from him. I wrote back to him to notify him why you wouldn't respond to prevent any bad feelings between you two if... you decide to reconnect."
Jeongguk sucks in a breath, unable to believe that he's holding a part of Taehyung in his hands. Even though it's a bit delayed, it's still from Taehyung, and his mother obviously meant well. He sets the envelope on railing and instantly throws his arms over his mom, pulling her smaller body close to him.
"Thank you so much," He whispers against her hair, feeling her arms slowly wrap around his waist. His mom nods silently, running her hand up and down his back.
"I just want you to be happy, sweetheart," His mom pulls back, her hands now on his shoulders. "I know you loved him a lot, and it was unfair of me to offer that to you, so I did what I could to make it up to my only son."
"T-Thank you, m-mom I promise I-I'll visit you and I-I'll send gifts," Jeongguk lets out a laugh. Her small hands reach up to wipe the tears from his eyes that he didn't know existed until now.
"No need, love. Seeing you happy is all that matters," She pats his cheek. "Alright, go read them. I won't stop you anymore." She says, pushing him off her with a smile.
Jeongguk thanks her again and watches his mom leave him outside. Once she disappears behind the screendoor, Jeongguk gulps, glancing down at the envelope that holds postcards Taehyung had sent him over the past year.
A part of him is reluctant in opening the envelope. He doesn't know why the sudden hesitation is hitting him so hard when this past year his thoughts have been occupied with Taehyung. Of course he wants to know how the older's doing, and of course he wants to know if he's happy. Taehyung's wellbeing is just as important as his own.
"Get a grip, Jeongguk. You're almost eighteen," He whispers to himself, yet he still holds his breath as he tears open the envelope.
It doesn't feel real in his hands once the cardstock lands on his fingertips. Jeongguk inhales shakily, his lips pulling into a wobbly smile while he flips through postcards of different Korean landmarks.
On the back are simple notes consisting of "you'd love it here", "wish you were here", and "missing you" in Taehyung's handwriting. Sometimes there's a message written in hangul that Jeongguk can understand. It starts off poor and eventually gets better with each postcard.
Sometimes there's a photo of Taehyung himself posing in front of the landmarks. Jeongguk laughs at the silly poses Taehyung does, and most of the time his heart hammers against his chest seeing his lover's face again. He wipes at his teary eyes, the laughter that escapes his lips sounding more like a choked sob after going through a couple more.
At the end, the last postcard isn't a postcard but a photo Taehyung must have taken himself. On it is a photograph of Seoul illuminated with purple lighting that steals Jeongguk's breath away. He ends up chuckling to himself and cups his mouth with his hand, remembering the silly phrase they invented together.
Jeongguk flips the photograph over and sees Taehyung has left him a note too long to be a simple message but too short to be a letter. Jeongguk presses his lips together, willing his hands to stay still so he can read what he wrote.
Dear, Jeongguk.
This is the last postcard I can send since I'm broke and I don't have enough money to pay the stupid delivery service enough.
Jeongguk laughs at that. He's still such a dork.
Also this photograph isn't that big so I can't write so much. Anyways, I took this photograph because it reminds me of you. There's this k-pop group that's really popular here and apparently their color is purple so Korea decided to color Seoul purple!
Isn't that amazing Jeonggukie? Well anyways, I wish you were here with me. I hope the past year has been going well for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world, you know? I can't stress that enough.
Okay, I'm running out of space so I'll cut to what I wanted to say. I still find myself wondering how you're doing or if you're smiling or enjoying life.
I'll say this to you right now before I lose the chance: I will always love you, with no beginning, no end. I love you as you have become a necessary part of my life. I love you the same way a woman can love a man. Without fear. Without expectations. Wanting nothing in return because your happiness is enough to make loving you worth it.
I love you Jeon Jeongguk. So much that a man like me can't possibly love someone else to the same degree as I love you. Please know that I'll forever be in love with you, but don't let that stop you from loving someone else and giving them the chance to experience more than what we had.
Oh but remember what I said: if I see you, I'll marry you right there. On the spot. No kidding.
I love you so much, my love. Thank you for
being the best part of my life and loving me back. I'll look forward to the future ahead of us. Goodbye Jeon Jeongguk.
From the red to your blue & your best friend,
Kim Taehyung.
P.S. I purple you.
Jeongguk sets the card back on the railing, covering his face with his hand as he sobs into his palm. He tries to hold himself together but he can't anymore as a hole rips apart the wounds in his heary. He misses him, god he misses him so much and the letter had made it even worse.
But he doesn't feel broken or empty like most people do after break-ups. Sure, he's crying and it hurts like hell, but Taehyung didn't mean to hurt him. All he did is tell Jeongguk that it's okay to move on and say goodbye because that's all that is left for them.
Their story ended and all they can do is to say goodbye. And maybe, just maybe, if the time is right, they'll say hello to each other once again.
Jeongguk runs his thumb over Taehyung's writing, the edges of his lips cramming into a smile that holds despite each shaky sob he releases. He shakes his head, rereading his letter over and over again to feel his presence in his heart.
He exhales shakily, taking the envelope and holding the photograph above it. Jeongguk gulps, unable to bring himself to say it knowing that if he does, it'll hurt. He's been hurting so much it's unbearable, but deep down he knows saying goodbye is the next step to recovery.
"I love you," He whispers to himself, slowly tucking the photograph back into the envelope. He hesistates before closing the flap, knowing that if he does, it'll be the official end to Taehyung and him.
After awhile, he closes it, but before he heads back in, he stares down at the paper in his trembling hands. The words slip from his mouth, and with that, Jeongguk tucks the envelope in his back pocket and heads back inside.
"Goodbye, Kim Taehyung."
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EPILOGUE next...