"How can I stand here and not be moved by you? Could you tell me how could it be any better than this?" – Lifehouse, "Everything"
Day 162
The worst part about having addictive tendencies? When you become addicted to a single person. Drugs and alcohol are material things. They're attainable. They're substance. They'll always be there. They can't fight back. But a person? A person leaves. A person hurts you. A person can move on and leave you addicted and drive you insane. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to be addicted to a substance, and I never want to attribute my addictive tendencies to that. But it's still not easy. I can't compare because I simply do not know, but I can say that being addicted to her was always too painful for me to bear.
The way I've always reacted to different interests can be alarming to others. I become obsessive and infatuated and spend all my energy focused on whatever I'm addicted to in that moment. For four years, it was Ellie. It still is Ellie.
That makes it sound like I'm a stalker, but it's not like that. When she leaves, I give her her space. I don't follow her anywhere or ask people to update me on her. I just go through some form of withdrawal when she's not around. Whenever something happens, big or small, she's the first person I want to call. For a while, I resisted the urge to contact her most times because I was afraid she didn't want anything to do with me.
Ellie agreed to go on tour with me eventually. It took a lot of convincing, but she finally agreed. A couple months into the tour, we had a break to go to a Halloween party at my brother's. Kaiden was always a fan of big extravagant events. He loved an excuse to bring people together. Ellie was the opposite.
Ellie preferred staying home and binge watching classics on Halloween night.
"Ellie," I pouted, standing in the doorway of my guest room – her room.
"What?" She pouted back, mocking me.
"How much do you love me?"
She shrugged, "Enough." She teased. I smiled innocently, not knowing the weight of that word in the moment. I suppose it hadn't gained traction yet. That was the first time I ever heard her say it – the first time I ever asked – but it was far from the last.
She agreed to go to the party that night. I felt guilty as if I were forcing her into a situation she was uncomfortable with. There's a more than likely chance that I was just projecting. Ellie was an enigma. In a world where everyone has access to a Myers-Briggs test and separates themselves into extroverts and introverts, Ellie was an ambivert. She rode a thin gray line in a world of black and white.
Ellie preferred to be in small, comfortable social interactions, but if thrown into something like that Halloween party, she still managed to thrive. I stared at her all night. Even when I was whisked across the room, I still couldn't manage to take my eyes off of her. The world became white noise as I channeled all my energy just to hear her laugh. I didn't feel the grin pull at my lips until Kaiden found me and teased me.
I watched actors, musicians, and influencers of all kinds speak to Ellie that night, but one in particular made my blood boil. That could've been the exact moment I caught my addiction in action. Every conversation I had, I desperately want to end just so I could be near her again. When a hotshot model turned actor turned on her charm while speaking to Ellie, something in me began to burn. I've never been jealous in my life. Jealously was an emotion I had the fortune of never feeling. Until I met Ellie.
I wasn't angry with her speaking to someone else, I was in pain. I craved being the one to make her happy and as I watched someone else make her laugh, I felt a part of myself disappear. I sank into silence and found myself having to repeat reminders over and over again in my head.
Ellie is not mine. I still repeat the same words often. She is not anyone's to be had, but she's definitely not mine.
I'm notorious for my ridiculously limited social battery. That Halloween party was only six months after Ellie met me. Only two months after she agreed to accompany on tour. And still, she knew about my social battery. She paid attention to the little things when, at the time, I thought she didn't notice me at all.
At one point that Halloween, I snuck out of the party to sit on the balcony while everyone else enjoyed themselves. I assumed I could hide from everyone for a few moments and return inside before anyone could notice. I assumed wrong.
"Jensen?" Ellie's melodic voice broke through the dead air around me. She sent me a smile and my reflexes returned one back to her.
"I thought you got whisked away by another model." I forced myself not to show my jealously.
"I did." Ellie shrugged, confident as I'd ever seen anyone but somehow still humble as could be. "But then I excused myself to find this really cool musician instead." She took a seat beside me, and I felt the air escape my lungs as she got close.
"My brothers are still inside I think." I quipped, almost choking on my words.
She rolled her eyes playfully and shook her head with a tinge of disappointment in me. "You're ridiculous."
"I know," I agreed. "Why do you even put up with me?"
Ellie shrugged again, "Guess I love you," she paused, "at least enough." A smirk played at the corner of her lips and I felt my cheeks flush as she spoke. I hoped she wouldn't notice in the dim lighting, but of course she noticed. She saw everything. I noticed the gears turning in her mind and felt the words dancing on her tongue, but they never came out. We shared a small silence as I waited for words that never came.
"Ellie?" My voice sounded timid in the October air.
"Jensen?" She answered with a smile.
"I appreciate you."
Ellie released a small chuckle. I wish I had been capable of reading her mind and knowing what she felt without prying it out of her. She looked away from me, a smile still on her face, and said, "Thank you."
I didn't know what that meant. I still don't. "I mean it," I spoke up again. "I can't look at you and not smile." I wanted to keep going. I wanted to tell her how much she meant to me.
She probably felt the words about to pour out because she spoke before I was able to. "I appreciate you too, Jensen." Her eyes connected with mine and my heart fluttered and my entire body warmed. "I mean it," she teased with a smile.
I wanted to lean in. I wanted to kiss her right then and there, but at that point I never thought she'd want me to. The idea of people having mutual feelings for each other was a concept I didn't understand. Up until then, I only ever wanted people who didn't want me back. Up until then, I had only really experienced platonic feelings for others and convinced myself I cared more. I would've leaned in if I knew what she was feeling.
Instead, I stayed still. I waited for her to move and I watched her as she did. "Come on," she gestured her head to the door, "let's get out of here."
"We don't have to," I assured her.
"I know," she assured me right back.
She lightly tapped my leg with her hand as she stood up, and I craved more of her touch. She didn't even know what she was doing, but I wanted her to do it more. All I wanted was to be close to her, but I restrained from acting on it.
Being addicted to Ellie meant retreating when I caught myself being overbearing. If I realized I was too close, I pulled away. I reverted back to forcing myself to be stoic. She knew when something was wrong. I got quiet and she knew I was upset. I tried to hide it every single time, but she always knew.
I often wondered if she could read my thoughts, and if she spent as much time analyzing our exchanges and me as much as I analyzed her. Any time I wasn't beside her, I missed her – I craved her. I needed to be with her so badly that I drove myself insane. The longer I was away from her, the more my thoughts spiraled. Before I knew how she felt about me, I worried that she didn't care at all. I worried too much and too often that I annoyed her or was a burden to her and it drove me to retreat myself and assume she didn't want me the way I wanted her.
I felt drawn to Ellie in a way I had never felt drawn to anyone else. There was a force that pulled me near her even when I attempted to force myself away. It was never that I would have a bad day if we didn't speak, but my best days were the ones where we did. I know I can live without her – I have to now. That doesn't mean I want to, and it definitely doesn't mean it'll be easy to.
My heart leapt out of my chest whenever her name lit up on my phone. Anytime she called, I dropped everything just to hear her voice. When we were together, all I wanted was to be next to her. I was whipped to the point that I would've found a way to stop the world from turning if Ellie had asked.
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Chapter song: "Everything" by Lifehouse
Until next time,
Aiden (: