LEVI'S POV
When I woke up the next morning, I was alone in the bed.
I stretched my arms above my head and scoffed slightly to myself under my breath in self depreciation. Never was there a time in my life that I'd thought I'd mind being in bed by myself. I had never thought, at any point in the future, that I'd prefer someone's company over being on my own.
I was pulled from my thoughts by the sound of water running coming from the adjacent bathroom. I sat up, letting out a low groan as I stretched and moved my sore muscles. I had thought that after all these years in the survey corps, I'd be used to the strenuous and rigorous physical routines of each day, but still, my muscles seemed to fight against me, as if to force me to take a break every once and awhile.
I flung my legs over the side of the bed and reached for my shirt on the bedside table as my bare feet touched the cool floor. Pulling the loose material over my head, I shrugged my arms through the sleeves quickly and walked across the room to the closed bathroom door. I stood there for a brief moment, not hearing any sound from the other side of the door, and fleetingly wondered if I should let (F/N) have some time to herself, before deciding that she wouldn't care if I entered.
I pushed open the door, steam wafting out from the humid room as I did so, and entered the bathroom. I stopped for a moment in the doorway, my eyes falling on (F/N), who sat motionless in the large tub, buried in the water with only her nose and upward visible. The water lapped softly around her skin, but she remained frozen, her eyes closed, as if she were trying to focus inward, if only for a brief moment.
I crossed my arms and leaned against the doorframe, watching her silently. I'd give her a few more seconds before I interrupted her. Beside, it gave me a rare moment where I could study her, unnoticed by anyone, and take her in.
Damn it all. She was beautiful.
I finally pushed myself up from the door frame and padded softly over to tub. Crouching down beside her, I rested my arms on the lip of the tub, my gaze never leaving her, and said in a low voice, so as not to startle her, "Oi, (F/N)."
She let out a long sigh and then opened her eyes, and hell, when she met my gaze, I was struck again by how beautiful she was. It took my breath away briefly. I had thought just moments ago that she couldn't be any prettier, but when those deep, thought filled, intense eyes met mine, I was once again proved wrong.
I raised an eyebrow at her, realizing I had been staring at her blankly for a few silent moments, and then said, a slight teasing tone etching my words, "Trying to drown yourself? Was last night really that bad?"
I made the joke as I tried to lighten the mood. When she had opened her eyes and met my gaze, I saw the brief flash of pain there, the sadness. I knew she'd been thinking too deeply again, and I didn't know how to help, just that I wanted to. Desperately.
She let out a slight snort of humorless laughter and reached up a delicate, thin hand to push some damp hair off of her forehead before she said, "If I wanted to go, I'd do something far quicker and less painful than drowning myself. I'm not stupid, you know."
I knew she was being sarcastic, but it still pained me just a bit to hear her tell me she wasn't stupid. I knew she wasn't. I'd always known. But I knew, throughout the years, in order to keep my promise to her, I'd made her feel like she was. And to think she ever truly believed that....
I glanced up at her as she dropped her hand back down under the warm water and flashed me a slight, sad smile. My heart jumped slightly in my chest at the sight. Even melancholy, her smile was still the brightest light in my dark world.
She spoke again, her voice quieter and serious and sad. "I was just enjoying the calm before another day of storm."
I leaned over, my arms still resting on the side of the tub, and dangled the fingers of one hand into the now lukewarm water of the bath. I began to circle my fingers around in the water, watching as the movement created small ripples on the surface of the water that lapped at (F/N)'s bare skin. Finally, I said, "Hard to imagine a world without storm when all you've ever known your entire life is that hell, isn't it?"
I could feel her staring at me intently, but I kept my gaze on the water, still moving my fingers idly through the liquid. I didn't want to meet her gaze. Not now. I didn't want her to see the pain, the despair that I knew had surfaced in my eyes at my words. I couldn't help it. With her, I couldn't hide the truth nearly as well as I could with everyone else. She did that to me. Because I knew she understood the yearning I felt. The intense desire to see a world with no more suffering, no more desperate fighting for survival. I just wanted to live. Was that too much to ask?
I felt (F/N)'s hand cover mine, stopping my rhythmic movements. Her skin was soft from being submerged in the warm water, and her fingers were gentle as she laced them between my own. Her touch, the fact that she was here, assuaged the feelings of darkness that were beginning to creep upward in my throat just a fraction, the darkness that was desperately trying to suffocate me.
I forced a blankness across my face again before I finally looked up at her, meeting her worried gaze with a flat expression. I couldn't let her see. She'd only worry.
"Levi."
I still wasn't used to her using that name again. My name. Every time it fell from her lips, I was reminded once again of how much I had missed hearing her say my name all these years. How much I had missed her.
She spoke again, sadness and defeat lacing her words. "Don't hide from me. Please. Talk to me. Like when we were kids."
I ground my teeth in frustration at her words. I wanted to tell her everything, I did. I wanted it to be like it used to be between us, but it never could be. She didn't understand. I couldn't let her in. I couldn't expose her to the darkness that hid within me, the same darkness that came back every night to haunt me and woke me, leaving me shaking and out of breath. I wouldn't expose her to that.
I let out the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding and dropped my gaze from hers, feeling suddenly defeated. She wouldn't understand what I was about to say, but it was all I could give her at this point. I had to keep her safe. "I'm not trying to hid things from you (F/N). I'm just trying to protect you." I flicked my eyes up to hers again, trying to will her to understand where I was coming from, even though this was killing me too. I squeezed her fingers between mine to give myself courage. "Everything I've ever done, it was only to protect you."
And it was the truth. I'd never wanted anything more than I wanted her safety and happiness. Forever.
She sat in silence for a few seconds, and I wondered what she was thinking. Finally, she scooted over to the edge of the tub and, taking my face in her hands, her skin warm and damp against mine, the water dripping down her forearms and onto the front of my shirt, said sternly, "Listen to me." I felt her tighten her hold on me slightly. "Levi Ackerman, you have spent your entire life watching out for me. And I can never thank you enough. But you have to stop."
I felt the surprise flash across my face at her stern command. She didn't honestly think I could stop protecting her after all this time did she? She was the only thing in this world that got me through all the hell, and I would never give up protecting the one thing that held my sanity in place, the one person I cared about above all others.
She hurried on, knowing I would interrupt her if she didn't. "Stop trying to protect me all the time. Protect yourself for once. And let me in. Just let me help. Let me do something."
But she didn't know. She was doing something. Every single day, when she gave me infinite second chances to be a part of her life, she was saving me all over again.
She shook her head, as if she were frustrated with herself, with the fact that she couldn't find the right words, and then she finally blurted out heatedly, "Just let me protect you for once in my life."
Holy hell. No one, no one, had ever said those words to me. No one had ever tried. I had always been the protector, but here she was, standing in front of me, everything out in the open, asking me to let her be there for me. She was willingly telling me right now that she'd step into the darkness with me, and she'd protect me from it all. The feelings of despair and hopelessness and guilt and anger. She was offering, right here and now, to use the light within her, the light that had drawn me to her in the first place, to fight my darkness, together.
I dropped my head to my chest, overcome suddenly with the realization that she couldn't fix me completely, no one ever truly could, but that she, this girl from my past, was offering to put me back together as well as she possibly could. And no one had ever done that. No one had ever seen me as someone worth the effort. But she did. She always had.
I felt a warmth on my cheeks, and I tasted salt, and as I glanced down, my head still bowed, and saw wet spots begin to dot the fabric of my shirt, I realized that I was crying.
I hadn't cried in years. Not since my mother had died. And this was different still. These tears weren't full of anguish, these tears were full of hope.
I heard (F/N) scoot over to me again, the water sloshing against the sides of the tub, and the I felt her rest her forehead against mine, her warm, soft skin pressed against my temple as she said quietly, "Oi, dummy."
A short chuckle burst from my lips and the corner of my mouth lifted into a slightly crooked smile. She always knew just what to say to me to pull me from my own darkness. And that's why I believed her. I believed her when she said she wanted to protect me this time.
She reached up and brushed her knuckles gently across my cheeks, wiping the remaining tears from my skin before she said in a low voice, "I'm always the one who's crying. Turning the tables on me this time, are you?"
I felt her place her slender fingers under my chin and then she raised my gaze up to meet hers. I lost my breath again in that moment. Her eyes were deep pools of sympathy and determination and strength. And sitting there, in the cooling water, her damp hair plastered to her forehead, water droplets rolling off her bare skin, she was the most beautiful I had ever seen her. "Listen to me, Levi. I'm here for you now. I haven't always been, but I am now. And it's my turn to protect you. You've been strong, you've hidden everything, for too long. So just don't anymore. Just trust me enough to let it all go." Her fingers dug into my skin slightly with intensity as she spoke, and I had to stop myself from wincing as her fingernails bit my flesh briefly. She swallowed hard, biting back emotion, and then said fervently, "We're going to beat those bastards. We're going to win. And when we do, when it's all over, the only thing I care about is that you're standing beside me. I don't need anything else. So I'm going to fight like hell, no matter how long it takes, and no matter what I had to do, to protect you, and get us through this. Together."
Determination flashed across her face, and I couldn't help but think that I loved when her strong side emerged. I'd always seen it, even when she hid it behind a scared little girl, but she was beginning to show it to the world now, and that's all I'd ever wanted for her.
"And then, you and I, we're going to see the ocean. We're going to leave these damn walls behind and see the world, just like we always dreamed about as kids." She gritted her teeth, and I saw anger flash across her eyes as she met my gaze again, and when she spoke, her voice shook with intensity. "I promise you that, Levi Ackerman. We're going to escape this hell."
She fell silent, dropping her gaze back to the water in front of her, and as I studied her, I was overcome with the fact that I loved her. And I'd always know I did, even when we were kids, but it felt freeing to admit it to myself again. I took her hand into mine, and as she met my gaze once again, pressed her palm gently to my lips, her skin warm and damp against my mouth for just a second before I dropped my hold on her. Reaching out impulsively, I pushed her damp hair back off of her forehead, so I could see her eyes more clearly, and said, a slight smile coming across my features, "You look really pretty in the morning, (F/N)." I ran my fingers down her cheekbone and across her jawline, marveling once again over the fact that we were here together, and that she was willing to stand beside me, even after all we'd been through. "I've always thought so, but I never told you."
Suddenly, she threw her arms around my neck, soaking the front of my shirt in the process, but I knew neither of us cared at that moment. Her body fit against mine so perfectly and the feeling was more than comforting. She buried her face in my shoulder, and then finally said quietly, "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."
I chuckled and pressed my hands into her back a little bit more, her bare skin satin under the cool skin of my palms, before I said into her ear, "Tch. Nicer than the moment when I made a complete idiot of myself in front of our entire squadron of brats to tell you how I feel?"
She pulled back from me, meeting my eyes, and said seriously, "No. Nothing can ever top that." She leaned forward and kissed me quickly, her lips leaving mine all too soon for my liking. She flashed me a smirk and then quipped, "I mean seriously. I don't think the cadets are ever going to listen to you in the same way again. Knowing Corporal Ackerman actually has feelings?" She clicked her tongue slightly, shaking her head in mock disappointment. She was enjoying this teasing way too much. "Did you see Jaeger during your speech? He lost all respect for you. You're going to have to resign as a corporal and take over kitchen duty..."
I growled slightly under my breath and grabbed her arms, pulling her flush against me again, and covering her mouth with mine to shut her up. I couldn't help but smile slightly against her skin though as our lips moved against each other hungrily. She always knew what to say.
Somehow, in some way, (F/N) had always been, and would always be, the light that drove away my darkness.