A/N: Guys we hit 200 reads real quick wtf I'm so grateful. Thanks for coming back with your love and support chapter after chapter it means a lot.
Warning: This chapter discusses sensitive topics like drug use and assault.
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"Inhale" he spoke as the joint met my lips.
I did as instructed, the thick smoke filling my lungs.
"Hold it in a bit," Matty said, watching me intently.
I nodded, closing my eyes to focus on the sensation. However, it didn't last long as I quickly found myself coughing, smoke flooding my senses as it traveled out of my lips.
Matty chuckled, rubbing my back before handing me a bottle of water.
"Drink, pet" he smiled warmly.
I watched as he took another hit, completely unaffected by the feeling as I continued to cough.
I took a few more hits before I couldn't handle the coughing anymore. I'd smoked a couple of fags before, but nothing like this. I stood up, giddy about the feeling that was to come, not knowing what to expect.
"You'll feel it in a bit, love" Matty spoke as I played with my hair.
He was right. My head quickly went foggy as I slipped into a euphoric state.
"Woah," I stammered, the feeling catching me by surprise as my senses felt dreamlike.
"Alright?" Matty chuckled as I stumbled about.
I nodded slowly before giggling uncontrollably. Now, this was an escape.
"Come here, poppet," Matty called, opening his arms to me on the couch.
I practically fell into him, the weed destroying my sense of boundaries. I craved him, wanting to feel him everywhere as my hands ran up and down his chest. I felt limitless. As I slipped deeper and deeper into my high, I grew curious, my fingertips exploring his curls now as I looked up at him, biting my lip, my eyes glazed over.
"Hi," I spoke innocently before bursting into a fit of giggles again.
"Someone's feeling a bit handsy, aren't we?" Matty teased.
However, I couldn't feel any shame, all I felt was desire. I began kissing up to his neck, making my way towards his jawline before I felt his fingers grip my chin, pulling me up to him. My senses were delayed as I tried to register what was going on before meeting Matty's eyes.
"You're so fucking tempting, love" he sighed, "but we can't do this, not right now. Not while you're high."
"But Mattyyyyy, I want it" I begged, my vision blurring.
"I know you want it, darling, but I want you to mean it," he said.
"I do mean it," I pleaded, attempting to kiss him again but his grip on my chin was firm.
"Not tonight, pet," he smiled sympathetically, kissing my forehead as I fell against him in defeat.
"You're no fun," I teased, standing up to leave his dressing room and be with the others.
I was halfway down the hall to the green room when I noticed Matty wasn't following me. I turned back, stumbling towards his dressing room before swinging my head through the door frame.
"You're supposed to come with me," I slurred.
"I thought you said I was no fun," Matty spoke, winking at me as he looked up from his phone.
"Don't make me beg," I pouted playfully.
"Oh but I love the sound," Matty teased, joining me in the hall.
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I stirred slightly, not remembering having fallen asleep. My eyes fluttered opened as I realized we were no longer at the venue, but rather in a car, though it was too dark to make out any faces.
"Matty?" I called, completely disoriented.
"Shhh, I'm right here poppet," his soothing voice spoke as his arms wrapped around me, cradling me into his chest, "go back to sleep, we're almost at the flat"
When I woke up, it was morning, and I was alone. My head still felt heavy as I climbed out of bed, clad in my outfit from the night before. I stumbled out of the room groggily, hoping to find a bathroom to sort myself out. The flat was mainly silent, no sign of the boys, some general activity in the living room.
"What time is it?" I asked aloud, a girl with long blonde hair perking her head up from the couch.
"It's 12:55, sweets" she spoke, eyeing me. I figured she must have been a groupie since I didn't recognize her from the crew.
"Darling your makeup looks awful, what did Matty do to you last night?" she smirked devilishly.
"I don't know, probably tucked me in or something," I shrugged. She chuckled seemingly in disbelief as I rubbed my eyes.
"You mean out of all the girls that were trying to get at him, he chose you, and you lot didn't even shag?" she asked.
"We were both high," I shrugged again, rubbing my eyes, "he said he wanted me to mean it,"
"Bollocks, Matty doesn't care about that, he only wants sex. He must not like you or something," she reasoned, shooting me a sympathetic look. Like I needed her sympathy.
Yet, as I made my way to the bathroom, her words stuck with me. What if he didn't like me after all? What if he realized that after last night and that's why he didn't want to do anything. I felt embarrassed by the way I had acted high. I should have never let myself lose control like that, not if it was going to make him hate me.
I splashed water on my face, removing the smudged makeup from last night before pulling my hair back with a spare hair tie found on the sink. I navigated the flat in search of my bag to change into fresh clothes. I slipped into my ex-boyfriend's navy blue jumper I loved so much, watching the fabric fall down onto my thighs like a dress.
Memories from last night came flooding back. All of the messages from Elias. Shit. I needed to text him.
13:01
Jess: I'm sorry. I'm safe, I promise.
I quickly exited out of the message as soon as it sent, anxious to see his response. I felt trapped like I had nobody to turn to anymore. At home, Elias would probably never speak to me again. But here, the girl had a good point. Matty probably didn't like me, and he probably regrets ever having me come to Southampton.
I paced around the room a bit, the noise of my own thoughts slowly driving me mad. I invited myself into the living room, sitting down in the empty loveseat.
"Welcome back," the blonde spoke to me, smirking again, "you're pretty cute when you're makeup isn't all smudged. Too bad Matty doesn't see it"
My face fell.
"Hey babe, don't look so sad. With a pretty face like yours, I know you'll find someone. Besides, you can't get too attached to a rockstar like Matty anyway. It's never more than a one night stand."
"So you really think he'll never change?" I said sadly.
"Nope. But I don't mind, as long as I can have in on some of the action. There is gonna be a massive party tonight, so I might try to get at him then," she winked.
I didn't know what to think. I didn't want to believe her, yet I couldn't help from feeling jealous when she talked about "getting at him" like he was some toy to be passed around. But who's to say she was wrong? Why should I be getting jealous if Matty doesn't even like me?
"When do they boys get back?" I asked finally, trying to change the subject.
"They've got interviews until half 20:00" a crew member spoke across the room.
"That's when the party starts," the blonde added.
"Perfect" I muttered. The flat felt as though it was getting smaller, the tension in the room bringing the walls in. I felt claustrophobic. I needed air.
I found myself lost within the city's architecture, losing track of time as I went further from the flat. I had no direction, driven only by my curiosity or the way the wind blew the smoke from my fag. Like I said, I didn't smoke much, however, now felt like an appropriate time. The overcast sky hung low over Southhampton, an evening breeze guiding the working class home or to the pubs -- which were beginning to gather quite a crowd. I tucked myself away within the outdoor patio of a cafe, settling down as I watched every walk of life pass me by.
It's funny sometimes, when you're alone, to just sit perfectly still and watch the busy world move around you, unbothered by your presence. It's almost as though life is on pause for only you. It's from this perspective that I find myself realizing just how quickly everyone else is moving, as though their lives are at high speed. It always wakes me up, telling me I need to slow down if I don't intend on being one of them lots. When I see the working class as I do now, all one mass of people never once slowing down to smell the roses for a time, I think of my parents. I never saw fulfillment when I looked at them. Simply work. Simply settling within the mundane.
I thought of them now, wondering where they may be. They lead highly routine and predictable lives. Both returning from work around this time now. Mum would make food and Dad would do the dishes. They were always so strict on bedtimes with my siblings and me, which is probably why I found myself sneaking out so often. They were probably watching the news around this time, not giving a damn about where I was. We haven't talked in quite a bit, but it's my fault anyway. I was the one that moved out after all. Besides, they had my sister to look after. Amelia was always their favorite. She was the perfect child, just like mum. Quite a sigh though.
I wondered how they responded when friends and family asked about me. I wondered where they said I was off to or what they would tell people I'm studying in school. I wondered where they thought I was right now. I wondered where anyone thought I was. Did Elias think I was with Matty? Where did Matty think I was? Where am I?
The fact that I was lost was slowly starting to sink in. I must have walked miles to get to where I am now, given that it had been several hours of exploration. I located a bus stop nearby, figuring I'd got on there and get off when something looked familiar. However, nothing was familiar, and it was getting dark. I rode only a few minutes more before getting off, feeling more disoriented than before.
Suddenly, as though perfectly timed, my phone began buzzing.
Incoming call from KAI
I picked up immediately.
"Love, where are you? Lucy said you left hours ago and shown no sign since. The party's about to start!" Kai spoke.
"Kai, I think I'm lost," I replied sheepishly.
"Tell me what street you are on and I'll plug it in the map dear," Kai said.
I nodded my head, locating the street signs and reading them off. The was a pause on the line as she navigated.
"Bloody hell Jess, your an hours drive out on the opposite side of town! Why the hell have you traveled so far?"
"Just got a bit lost I suppose," I spoke.
After a few more mutters on how I'll be late to the party, she gave me directions to the nearest train station.
As I rode back, I couldn't help the anxious feeling beginning to brew deep inside of me. I remembered what the blonde girl, Lucy, I suppose, said to me
"So you really think he'll never change?" I said sadly.
"Nope. But I don't mind, as long as I can have in on some of the action. There is gonna be a massive party tonight, so I might try to get at him then," she winked.
It wasn't my place to feel possessive or jealous if he truly wasn't mine, yet it still made me sick to imagine the party going on without me and Matty alone with that girl. If that were to be true, I would have made a complete dick out of myself to Elias. In fact, I'd never hear the end of it.
As I got closer and closer to my stop, I began to wish the ride was longer. I was scared to see what was going on. Scared for my fears to be validated.
I got off the train, making my way up towards the flat.
Inhale
I stood at the door, opening it reluctantly as the music pounded on the opposite side.
Exhale
If all went to shit, at least there was booze.
I didn't recognize anyone and I hated it. My eyes scanned the crowd for any generally familiar face, for one of the boys, for Kai, for Matty, or that blonde. Instead, I found the kitchen where the booze was. The music was impossibly loud, confusing me as to how we were getting away with it. Or perhaps everyone that could possibly complain was already at the party.
It wasn't until I was on my second drink when I finally found her, predictably, with Matty. His expression was unreadable as he sat in his chair, the blonde rubbing his arm slowly. I downed my drink, hoping to create some false confidence and make my way over to him. Yet, I shut down again as another girl joined the blonde, whispering seductively into Matty's ear. They were both gorgeous, so gorgeous to the point where I would look like a fool trying to show them up. Or, Matty would see me and immediately regret everything, realizing how he should have never given up girls like those two for someone like me. And then he would feel like a fool. So I staid back.
"What's with the long face lovely?" A voice spoke from behind me. I recognized his face from previous parties yet still didn't know how he was associated with the band.
"Just tired," I smiled weakly, not really in the mood for conversation.
"Maybe another drink will make you feel better," he proposed.
"I suppose," I spoke, taking the cup he offered me, although I only took a small sip, knowing I shouldn't have anymore.
"You're clearly not having a good time here," he began slyly, "so what do you say we get out of this place and go somewhere else a bit quieter,"
The idea of leaving the party was appealing, but with the grin on his face, I could tell our ideas of "quieter" were very different. I shook my head.
"I think I'll stick around, all of my friends are here..." I explained. However, he didn't seem to be taking no as an answer.
"Come on baby," he spoke, cornering me against the counter as he gripped my wrist so I couldn't run away, "where are your friends now? I'm the only one here for you, I know you want it."
"No, I-I don't really, t-this isn't the best idea-a," I stuttered, fear engulfing me.
"Why's that, you belong to somebody or something?" he chuckled.
"Yes, she's mine." a voice bellowed from behind me. Matty. Thank the lord.
"Fucking prick," the man spat, his grip painfully tightening on my wrist as he pressed me into him, "Just because you're a pop star doesn't mean-"
He was cut off by Matty's fist. He let go of my wrist as he fell to the floor.
I stood, paralyzed in time as the world moved around me once more, just like it had on the patio. However, this time it felt like it was moving even faster than before, much too quickly for me to fully comprehend anything. Time only slowed again as I watched Matty being pulled away by George, knuckles covered in blood.
"Get him out of my bloody flat!" Matty snarled, pointing at the man who was being pulled in the opposite direction. I could only register now that he had gotten a few swings on Matty, leaving a cut under his eye. However, Matty had done much worse, the man's nose visibly broken. I still stood, paralyzed, my mind not able to keep up with the velocity of the events that occurred within, seemingly, a matter of seconds.
How did it go from me being jealous over some blonde to Matty beating some guy up so quickly? I turned my head slightly, watching as he scrambled out of Georges' arms and over to me. Despite his bloody condition, he still looked at me as though I had been shot.
"Are you okay, love?" Matty said, eyes scanning me for injuries, "Where did he touch you?"
However, he answered his own question before I could, grabbing my wrist to see bright red fingerprints beginning to bruise.
"I'm gonna kill him," Matty muttered, looking back up at me, clearly seeing the fear in my eyes. "Pet, I promise he will never lay another finger on you again,"
"Matty," I breathed, "maybe we should get you cleaned up,"
"Why didn't you come find me when you got here?" Matty questioned, disregarding what I previously said.
"I-I um, saw you with some other girls and didn't want to intrude," I said sheepishly
"Bloody hell Jess, they're just girls," Matty sighed, the exhausted look I knew all too well coming back to him.
"So am I," I protested, remembering what the blonde had said to me.
"Fuck's sake," he spoke, gripping my cheek, "I'm fucking covered in another man's blood because he grabbed your wrist, darling. I don't do that for just anyone"
I sighed, looking back down at my feet.
"Look at me," Matty commanded. "What were the first things I said to that guy when I came in here?" he asked.
I knew what he wanted me to say, but I didn't truly believe it enough to speak it out loud.
"Say it," Matty spoke again, his voice was intimidating.
"She's mine," I repeated.
"Say it again," he beckoned.
"She's mine," I spoke.
"And you're the only one," Matty added, "those other girls don't belong to me, so I don't even bother"
"Matty I just don't understand why-"
"Oi, just pipe down and let me kiss you," Matty spoke. I shut up.
The entire day, the world had been moving way too fast. But now, with Matty's lips on mine, everything slowed down. He tucked my hair behind my ear before cupping my face with his bloody fingers, leaving red stains.
He pulled away, admiring blood-decorated cheekbones, eyes blown out with desire.
"You look so cool," he smiled.
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A/N: Longest chapter yet whoop whoop! I didn't even get to everything I wanted to in this chapter but I figured I'd break it up a bit. Anyways, I have a 17-hour flight tomorrow so wish me luck! Hopefully, I can update this once I land though. Until then, thanks again for all of your reads, votes, and comments, they make my day!