I sat in my wheelchair, my head level with the parallel bars, Sarah in front of me. My heart was beating out of my chest. I'd already been here for way too long. I knew that. It'd happened every time so far.
"Okay we've practiced standing a thousand times Owen. We're just going to start there." Sarah told me, her voice cutting through my thoughts. It was the exact same thing she'd told me the other times we'd tried. "I'm going to keep you steady, you're going to hold onto the bars."
I knew what to do. I'd watched enough patients to know. We'd been working toward this moment for forever, at least it seemed. She'd been telling me for while now that I could. But I didn't believe her. And it didn't make me feel anymore prepared. I had limited feeling in my left foot, a whole lot of nothing in my right and it was all just a crap shoot farther up.
"You've got this." Sarah reassured. I glanced up at her, she was smiling like normal. "Alright, count of three."
I'd done it a thousand times. I was actually pretty decent at standing, all things considered. I took a deep breath, knowing Sarah would push until I ignored my doubts and tried. She'd figured that out about me far too fast for my liking.
I leaned forward, my arms outstretched toward the parallel bars. It took way more thought and effort than it should have, like normal. My nerves not connecting the way they should.
"You've got it." Sarah encouraged.
My fingers closed around the bars, the wood smooth against my skin. I used my arms to pull myself the rest of the way, it was still hard but it was getting easier.
"Like a pro." She steadied me, helping me align my body, stacking my hips and shoulders over my feet.
I felt anxiety rush through me, doubts spreading through my crippled body. I didn't like the feeling of not knowing where my legs were. I didn't want to trust something I could only partially feel.
Was walking again even that important? I mean, yeah it'd be nice. But come on, it wasn't like I could really walk with what limited control and feeling I had. The whole thing had me a mess. I didn't trust myself.
"Mina." I blurted, afraid to look for her in fear I might knock myself off balance.
I felt a hand on my back, a breath of relief falling out of me. Mina had become my beacon of light when my doubts started to darken the world around me. She always managed to get me where I needed to be.
"I'm right here."
"Alright dad, got the camera ready?" Sarah called to my dad who was standing to the side, phone ready.
"Don't film it." I muttered, not loud enough for him to hear though.
Mina sighed at my comment, I bet she was rolling her eyes at me. The thought had a smile creeping on my face.
Sarah's smile was gone though as she turned her attention back to me. "You're not allowed to say you can't today Owen."
I opened my mouth to explain why I didn't think I could when she told me to "knock it off".
"But I just.." I started as she shook her head.
"You need to try Owen." Mina said from beside me, leaning slightly forward so I could see her.
I was too afraid to move much.
"Sit back down." Mina said, sharing a look with Sarah who nodded in agreement.
I didn't hesitate to listen, I'd gladly sit the fuck back down. At least I couldn't fall if I was sitting. God my chest hurt, stupid anxiety. I dropped my head to my lap, chipped fingernail polish appearing in my line of sight.
I raised my head, Mina's green eyes level with mine. Her freckles had only increased throughout the summer, speckling every inch of her face.
"You can do this."
I swallowed hard, shaking my head a little. It wasn't natural. It didn't feel right. How could I trust something I couldn't feel? That I had no control over? What if I went to put weight on my leg and I just crumbled to the floor? What if this was all the feeling I'd ever get? What if I was scared and too afraid to fail?
"I promise, you can. Sarah's here to help, I'm here. We have you." I took a deep breath. "Trust us Owen, trust me."
I closed my eyes, releasing my breath. That was the thing. I wasn't sure how much more I should trust her. I was already in love with her. And the last time I trusted someone I loved, they'd gone and fucked my best friend. I knew I didn't want to go through that again. And really, should I even be trusting someone that I loved that would never love me back?
But as I opened my eyes back up, meeting hers. My heart still pounding in my chest, I felt myself nod. And then the best thing happened. Mina smiled at me. And my doubts went fleeing to the back of my mind.
"Good. We've got this." She told me again, standing up and stepping to the side once more. "You can trust me, I'm not going to let anything happen."
I wrapped my fingers around the bars again, not waiting for Sarah as she made her back to her position in front of me. I had to do this now. Right now. Before the smile that had spread across my face disappeared and the mind numbing elation from earning a smile from Mina left. I had to do it while I was still riding whatever high I was on.
I yanked myself upright, trying my hardest to ignore the doubts that echoed in my head.
"You're going to lift yourself with your arms." Sarah told me. "Swing your left side through."
"You've got it." Mina said quietly beside me.
"Come on buddy!" My dad called from where he stood off to the side, phone up and probably recording the disaster that I was.
I took one last deep breath, pushing my hands into the bars. And then I did just as Sarah had been telling me to for weeks, I swung my left side through, Mina guiding my leg. I bent my elbows, lowering my weight back down onto my numb legs.
"Good!" Sarah cheered. "You're good! You did it."
God damn my lungs felt like they were on fire, my breathing shallow. But my smile grew wider to match Sarah's and before she even had to prompt, I was lifting myself up, trying to move my right side. It didn't come as easy as my left, my right foot only shifting inches forward.
"You're getting this dad!?" Sarah yelled to my dad.
"Hell yes!" He shouted back.
I started in on my third step even though every muscle I could actually feel was shaking.
"You've got it." Sarah encouraged.
My left foot hit the ground a couple inches forward. Relief and accomplishment flooding my system.
"Awesome. Let's stop there." She grabbed the belt tied around my waist, relieving me of some of the work as Mina brought my chair closer to me. "That was great Owen, great work."
I couldn't quite manage words yet, between the anxiety that was trying to squeeze all the air from my lungs, the physical exertion and the excitement over the fact that I actually did it, I didn't have a voice.
Just as I sat, I felt my dad's hand on my head, ruffling my hair before he pulled me into him.
"I'm so proud of you bud." His voice thick and distorted with emotion.
I wrapped my arms around him, thankful he was here. And as stupid as it was, it felt good to hear him say he was proud of me. It'd been a while.
"Amazing. Absolutely amazing. Jase is going to be pissed when he realizes he missed this." My dad pulled away, but not before he kissed my hair, an action that took me by surprised but also managed to lift me higher.
I'd done it. The first step had to be the hardest. And I'd conquered it.
My eyes found Mina's, a small smile on her face as she watched me. I could vaguely hear my dad still talking, his hand on my shoulder, but it all just faded to the background. I loved her and her green eyes and freckles. I loved how underneath all her tough and guarded exterior there was a girl who cared for others deeply. I loved that she was patient even after patience had been worn thin and I loved that what she believed in she believed in fiercely. I loved that her smile alone could send my heart sputtering happily around my chest. I just fucking loved her.
She had the power to break me.
Because I trusted her too.
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Okay. I wasn't gonna call you out but you're killing me. Really I didn't want to seem creepy but it's Wattpads fault if we're going to get to the logistics of it. They send the notifications. I see you, you silent voters. And I appreciate the votes, I do! Don't stop voting! But I'm needy, talk to me too! Let's be friends. I mean you already know my music taste is on point 😂. I'm super cool (that's a lie, I'm so lame) and fucking friendly, and nice as long as you can deal with sarcasm and cuss words. I've got ice breakers! I know here's a joke! I'll give ya the punchline in exchange for a guess. Ready?
What do Michigan and Cher have in common?
Fun fact about this joke, I had to get my wisdom teeth out (like many of us do) only I waited until I was like 22 to do it because that shit scared me and I had really bad anxiety about being knocked out and people just like doing whatever they wanted and not being aware of it. But anyway, the nurse was trying to get me ready and I was freaking out, like two breaths away from straight up panicking so she started telling me these super lame pg dad jokes. I appreciated the thought though so I told her this joke and she laughed so hard just as the doctor walked in which made things slightly awkward because this joke isn't a pg dad joke. But anyway she was a super cool nurse, I panicked on the table just before they knocked me out, woke up super pissed off and cussing my brains out because I'm a classy lady like that.
Let's be pals.