Carl
"Coming to Kim's party tomorrow?" Milan asks in a quiet tone. We're at lunch, in a table full of seniors except me of course.
I fumble for a lie, it's more difficult than I thought. "I haven't yet decided. You going?" I rub my neck, suddenly sweaty.
I can keep a secret until no one asks a direct question about it.
"Yeah man. But I understand if you don't want to come. Jasmine is going to be there for sure. It's better to let it all cool down. Right?" He slaps my back good naturedly.
Why didn't I think of that? It's the perfect reason.
My shoulders relax. "Right."
I've to tell Terry that I can't keep a secret. It's too stressful.
Last night we were talking about nothing till ten o'clock. His battery died, otherwise I don't know how far into the night we would have gone.
It is good. Terry is good. Easy and simple. It's so easy to ask him embarrassing questions in text.. If only I could stop blushing around him it would be great. If only he could stop talking about how horny he was because of me it would be fantastic. Everytime he said 'kill me now', I knew he was thinking of something sexual. Frustrating part is I'm sure I don't say anything remotely sexual to make him horny.
Jasmine and I were not into talking about sex. We just went with it. If he stopped talking about it we would become fast friends.
I chew my nails as Milan talks to Dee about her plans for tomorrow. I'm no longer interested in food.
Instead of a date, we should maybe go out as friends. What will happen if I don't like gay things? Will he stop talking to me? I don't want that. I like us the way we are.
I'll have to lie. his words echo in my mind.
It is the craving for what I can't have. His text comes back to me.
I can't change our plans. It's not about me learning gay anymore. It's about letting Terry get a little bit of his dreams too. If I don't like it, I'll tell him.. later. But he would have this one night with his crush. It's better than nothing right?
I'm his crush. It's still a novel concept. A boy likes a boy not because he wants but because he can't help it.
I remember my first hardon in public. In eighth grade, summer camp. There was a girl in a nice black swimsuit and her legs were swinging in the water as she sat on the edge of the pool and talked with her friends.
I was in the water and one second I was just looking and the next I was hard. I wanted to touch her, the need was so urgent I couldn't do anything. It terrified me. I ducked into the water and stayed there until I couldn't breath.
That night I had a long talk with dad. I should have asked if it's possible to feel that way for boys too. I didn't know to ask, dad didn't think to tell.
Milan shakes me. "Earth to Carl."
I laugh and get up. The lunch table is already empty.
Suddenly I'm sad. Angry at dad for not telling me everything.
The feeling stays with me the remainder of the day.
I bail out of Fio's chauffeur duty and hide in my room, skipping dinner.
I didn't get to see Terry today. I'm confused and angry and it's a good thing that he didn't see me.
He texts me around nine.
Terry: Did something happen?
I stare at the text. How?
Prince Carl: why?
Terry: you looked like the sky just before it's going to rain.
I hug my pillow. I don't understand these poetic sounding stuff, that's why I suck at writing essays about books. I don't get the layered meaning shit. I know he'd tell me if I asked, without rolling his eyes. That's Terry.
Prince Carl: like about to cry?
Terry: about to thunder and strike us with lightning.
I smile. I got it almost right.
Prince Carl: I'm angry.
Terry: and?
Prince Carl: not sure if I can show it now.
Terry: you can tell me if you want to.
Prince Carl: it's about gay things.
Terry: oh, you don't want to go tomorrow?
Prince Carl: NO. I WANT TO.
Terry: :) then?
Prince Carl: it's about my dad. Shouldn't he have told me about gay things too during the sex talk?
Terry: you had a sex talk with your DAD? When?
Prince Carl: eighth grade. I want to shout at him. It's his mistake.
Terry: hey, you should be glad he gave you a talk. Mine doesn't remember me until I do something he doesn't like.
Prince Carl: I can't imagine you doing anything that anyone can dislike.
Terry: being me is bad enough.
Prince Carl: what do you mean?
Terry: he is homophobic. He doesn't know I'm gay. He will throw me out if he knows. That's why I want to keep it a secret.
Prince Carl: oh. I'm sorry.
Terry: it's okay. Don't be angry at your dad. Maybe he doesn't know as well. Maybe his dad didn't tell him. Maybe he was still learning to give sex talks and didn't know the syllabus.
I laugh.
Prince Carl: maybe. Thanks Terry. Brb.
Terry: where are you going?
Prince Carl: to say sorry.
Terry: oh, did you fight with him already?
Prince Carl: no, but I wanted to.
I lock the phone and go down to check if dad is still awake.
No lights are on, he is on the couch watching TV on mute.
I curl next to him.
"Hungry?" Mom asks. I didn't notice her on his other side.
I nod. Mom gets up to get something for me.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Dad whispers.
I shake my head and hug him. He wraps me and lets me rest on his chest.
Yes, dad would have told me if he had known.
My sky clears.
Thanks to Terry.
****
Terry
Friday, finally it is Friday evening. Carl wouldn't talk to me in school. All I got was a slight smile before he blushed and looked away.
That blush gives me so much hope. It's dangerous, I got that. The blush can simply be there because he's really a gentleman who can't talk sex. But my heart wants it to be more. A lot more. Everytime I see him blush, my heart flutters. It gives me such a confidence to talk to him and tease him. I'm never the one to tease or have any upper hand in any relationship. Even with Brian and Millie I just let them tell me how we should be.
Carl... Carl, he expects me to know things and he listens to what I say. I wish I didn't have a crush. I can easily grow close to him without the baggage of romance.
We can be friends. I guess we are friends. In just five days I feel like I have known him for years.
It's not enough, I want more. I want his intimacy too. His gentlemanly intimacy. I'm sure he has certain rules for first dates that are unknown to other high schoolers.
As expected, the mall is steaming with school kids and adults alike. We decided to meet at the east entrance information centre.
It looks like I'm early.
"Hi..." I spin around to see Carl holding two cups of juice.
I'm late then.
"Hi.. you look... nice." I finish lamely. He is devastatingly sexy, at least to me. His short-sleeved black tee shirt tells me where his hard muscles are hidden. And the dark blue jeans... nope not a word Terry.
"I got us watermelon ones. It's too hot today." He hands me a cup wrapped in a tissue that's already wet.
I take it. "Thanks," I say and watch him fiddle with his cup.
"Terry.." he says, not meeting my eyes.
I take a step closer. "Um?"
"I'm very nervous. I've not been this nervous in so long. Last time was when I had my baby tooth extracted. Two years ago," he whispers.
Suddenly I realize how difficult this must be for him. How out of element he is. How he is taking the first step towards something totally alien to him. How brave he is to even come here today.
All because of me. If he had asked the same questions to some other gay boy, he might not be here. He might not be confused. He would have been safe in his hetero bubble.
Guilt scrapes my heart with pointy nails.
"Ok. What are you nervous about?" I veer him to a bench and make him sit.
"What if I do it wrong? I don't.. I don't want to lose you Terry. You're good. Will you consider being my friend even if I turn out to be not gay? You don't have to lie about anything. I-"
I touch his free hand clawing the bench, making him look at me. His eyes, as always, are as honest as his words. My guilt morphs into something else. I care about this guy. I want him in whatever way he is comfortable with.
Fuck sex.
"I think we're already friends. This date won't change that. You're stuck with me Prince." I grin.
He smiles. "Promise?"
I bump our knees. "Promise."
He looks down at our knees and back at my face. "What about-?" He waves his hand, unable to verbalize.
"I can try to be a gentleman for one evening." I wink.
He breaks eye contact and looks away, and fighting a grin, he asks. "But night?"
I laugh. "Nope."
"Deal. Let's get started. We're going to the skating rink." He slurps his juice loudly, all his previous hesitation gone.
"Man... I don't skate." I never found the balance.
"Me too. We are gonna watch and eat good cheese fries." He stands up, already his cup empty.
I sigh in relief, "my kind of date."
Carl throws his finished cup at the trash bin and wipes his hands in his pants.
Looking down at me with an adorable smile, holds out his hand. Palm up. "My kind of man. Shall we?"
There lived a boy named Terry Stewart, now he is the puddle of goo you find next to the east entrance of central mall.
**** End of Chapter Eight ****