26. Recalling
We had to board the plane quickly, seeing as how we had spent so much time hugging and crying. It seemed as though everything afterwards was a quick blur that I could hardly remember; before I knew what was happening, we had already found our seats and Kenai had helped me store my luggage. The plane wasn’t very full; actually, there were very little people on the flight. Maybe the plane would be more packed once we reached Washington. It was a connecting flight, so we would have to change planes before we would reach New York.
“You have your boarding pass, right?” I asked Kenai as we sat in our seats, which were set apart from everyone else. It was probably good that we were—if someone were to eavesdrop on our conversation, we were going to sound like a couple of loons. Kenai nodded, giving a sigh as he sat down, suddenly looking very tired. “Do you know if the lady put you down for the connecting flight to New York? If she didn’t, you’re probably going to have to buy more tickets when we get to Washington.” Kenai’s eyes widened. “Connection flight? You mean we aren’t going directly to New York?” I shook my head. He cussed under his breath, covering his eyes with a hand. He’s going to drop a lot of money on this spontaneous stunt of his.
The thrill and fast-paced atmosphere had died down once we got on the plane. Everything wasn’t as hectic as it was before we boarded, so we were finally able to take in everything that had happened and think reasonably. The craziness of what Kenai was doing, which might have seemed sentimental or even romantic in others’ eyes, was actually a really stupid decision. “My dad is going to kill me,” he said at last, the hand moving from his eyes to his mouth. He was probably finally understanding what it was that he was doing. “Now that I think about it, how did you even get here?” Kenai released a sigh, removing his hand. “My motorcycle. Now I’m going to have to call someone to get it for me. You know, after I tell my parents why the hell I just up and left without so much as saying bye.” He just shook his head. “Why did you come?” I asked. He looked at me, a little confused. “I mean, it’s not that I don’t want you to come, I’m actually really relieved that you’re here, but this is costing you way more than it’s worth. You’re probably going to be spending a good ten grand on this trip.”
Suddenly, Kenai started to laugh. I cocked an eyebrow, wondering if he had cracked. “What’s so funny?” I asked him. This made him laugh a little harder, making some people turn around to see what was going on. “Do you know how stupidly cliché we must have looked out there?” He continued to laugh, which proved to be contagious, because I started to laugh, too. “That’s the kind of thing you see in movies, and we just made ourselves look like a couple of idiots with how we acted out there.” I nodded, trying to muffle my laughter by clenching my jaw. “You know, no one ever talks about how expensive or troubling it is to do something like that. I’m so stupid.”
“You are, but I’m glad you’re here.” We both gave a content sigh, and I gave him a bright smile. “Thanks for pulling that stupid stunt, it means a lot to me.”
“It better. I’m spending a lot of money on it!”
“Oh please, it’s not even your money! It’s your dad’s money.”
“Hell, after he sees the bill for this, he won’t want to be my dad anymore. He’ll probably drop my ass off in foster care.”
We laughed, but I quickly made sure to dispel his seemingly harmless joke. “There’s no way. Your parents love you very much.” I paused a bit, trying to keep the humorous atmosphere. “They have to if they’re going to give you a credit card.” I shook my head. “A Visa,” I muttered, “your parents gave you a Visa. Adopted kids really are spoiled.” This caused Kenai to laugh. “Joseph has to attend a lot of business dinners and parties and things of that sort. I really don’t like going, but it helps him look good if his business partners see that his family is involved. I remember the first dinner party he made me go to was the very first week I started living in their house. I had just gotten settled in, and we had drove all the way from Oregon to Seattle. I really didn’t want to go, so he bribed me with a credit card. He said if I kept going to the dinners then he’d let me keep the card.”
I chuckled, and we settled into a comfortable silence. I looked down at my hands, playing with the fabric of my shirt. Kenai seemed to be looking straight ahead, relaxed. There was an announcement from the flight attendant and the pilot, and within a few minutes, we took off and were up in the air. For some reason, I felt the need to grab at the arms of my seat whenever a plane took off or landed. Maybe it was because it gave me a sense of stability while I was in the air. As soon as Kenai saw how tense I got, he put an arm around my shoulders and started rubbing them with his thumb, giving the sense of comfort that a parent would to their child. It helped me to relax. I began to think, to just linger on the thought: even in a different body, in a different life, my guardian still gave me the comfort and security I desperately needed to keep from falling over the edge. Kenai was there for me, and the fact that he had regained his memories, that he was here with me again, that he was going to protect me gave me a warm feeling in my heart.
When the plane steadied, he removed his arm from around me. I couldn’t help but feel a little sad that it was gone. I looked up at him then, at his ruffled hair and his tired expression, at his caramel skin and honey eyes, a warmth in them that could be seen even when he was looking at nothing. It was a warmth that only Kenai could possess, a warmth that constantly shown, welcoming others from the cold world full of troubles and the unknown. It was what gave Kenai his light.
As I looked at him, taking him in, I could feel the slightest blush creep onto my cheeks. There was no denying it, I was in love. I had fallen in love with Kenai’s warmth, Kenai’s light. I knew that he had a girlfriend—my friend Kate, no less—and it made me sad to think that I couldn’t be with him or tell him how I feel, but strangely enough, I felt happy knowing that he was here with me again. All of him. There was so much that I wanted to ask, so much that I wanted to talk about, but I didn’t know where to start. Then again, what better place to start than at the beginning?
“How was it, waking up from a coma?” I asked. His faced showed deep thought.
“It was scary, and lonely.” I adjusted myself in my seat so that I would face him, waiting for him to go on.
“When I woke up, I didn’t know what was happening. I was in an empty room, and it was raining outside. I had woken up in a hospital in Oregon; I have no idea if that’s where I was originally from. My brain was foggy, so I started yelling. I wasn’t even yelling actual words, I was just yelling gibberish. A nurse had come in and tried to get me to calm down. After she did, I started to make sense of everything, and I was able to talk to her. I asked her who I was and where my family was. She told me that the woman who brought me in said that my name was Kenai and had been caught in a collision between a train and a car, but that was all the information she gave. Since they didn’t know my full name, they had me under Kenai Doe instead of John Doe. They tried to match any dental or medical records to me but there was nothing in the system. I was completely unknown, no one knew who I was. That kind of answered my question about my family.
“What was strange was that I was able to talk to people and didn’t seem to have any special needs. The most I needed was a little help getting around. I was in a wheel chair for a few weeks, but I didn’t need as much physical therapy—or any therapy, really—as you normally would when a coma patient wakes up. It really baffled the doctors. I guess my case was special because of Takeena’s influence. Now that I think about it, I wonder if she was the one who brought me in.”
“Wow… I’m glad to hear that you recovered easier than other patients would, but I’m sorry to hear about your family…”
“It’s fine. I mean, I’m a bear, remember? Well, used to be, at least. Cubs leave their mothers after their two years old, and they don’t have fathers. You know, since they try to kill and eat their cubs most of the time. I don’t remember any siblings I might have had, either. Actually, I don’t remember very much before you.”
“That’s, uh… That’s not really all that better to hear… I mean, it’s still sad. You don’t even remember your family as a bear.”
“It’s alright. I have Joseph and Marianne now, and they’re great.”
Kenai spoke with a smile, but I could still see a twinge of sadness in his eyes. Is he sad because he can’t remember either of his biological families? He was practically alone in the world, and he didn’t seem to mind it at all. If it were me, it would bother me to the end of time, not knowing who my family was or where I came from. He didn’t seem to show anything other than nonchalance towards it.
“How do you feel now that you’re human?”
“It’s… it’s different. I mean, I know how to walk, how to talk. I know how about technology and the modern world. Hell, I can ride a motorcycle. In a way, it’s nothing new, but at the same time, it’s like I’m seeing the world in a totally different way. As a bear, everything was so simple. I didn’t have to think. I just woke up every day, I ate, and I slept, then everything repeats. There was nothing to think about. Now, the world is so much more complex. I have to study and I have to think about what career I want. I get to think about falling in love and having a family one day. I knew all of this already, nothing’s changed, but being aware of what was before all of this puts everything into new light. And I like it. I like seeing everything how I do. I like being able to appreciate how different life is. I’m thankful for the time I had as a bear, but I wouldn’t want to go back now that I know how life is as a person. I like having humanity.”
His words stunned me. He actually enjoyed the change. He enjoyed having humanity. At first, I didn’t know if asking Takeena to bring him back or trying to get him to regain his memories was moral. I didn’t know if that was what he wanted. Yet, now that he told me how he feels about being human, I don’t regret my decision a single bit. “I’m so glad that becoming human wasn’t a mistake to you,” I told him.
“There’s no way. Besides, now I get to have real conversations with you. I mean, before, it was weird understanding what it was that you meant sometimes whenever you mentioned something about civilization. I could only understand a foggy idea of what you had created in your mind. Now I know what you mean, and now there are so many more things that we can talk about. It’s a completely different experience.”
“At least you have enthusiasm for it.” I gave him a smile, but he simply raised an eyebrow, looking confused. “Aren’t you going to ask me how I got my memories back? I thought you would be dying to know.”
“I am. I just don’t know how to ask.”
“You know, you could just come out and ask the question directly.”
“Okay then. How did you get your memories back?”
I held my breath as I waited for his answer. He seemed to want a dramatic lead-up to it.
“I reunited with my body.”
My thoughts drew to a blank. “What do you mean reunited with your body?” I must have had a strange expression on my face, because Kenai started to chuckle, looking me in the eyes. “I miss seeing that weird face you make.” He fixed himself in his seat so that he wasn’t facing directly forward anymore, getting more comfortable and facing me now.
“I met Amorak. After you told me to leave, I started wandering around the forest for a little while. I came across a cabin, and there was an old man outside, which turned out to be him. He already knew who I was, probably because you wouldn’t shut up about me.” He paused then so he could laugh and ruffle my hair. I smacked his hand away, a smile on my face as I brushed the copper strands back into place with my fingers.
“He wanted me to meet up with him again in a few hours, and when I went back, he took me back to the sapling. He dug up my old body, saying that all of my memory relapses seemed to happen whenever I got closer to my old life, so reuniting with my body would be the closest thing to me old life—since it’s actually me. He told me to touch it, and when I did, I got this awful headache that almost made me fall over. As fell unconscious as soon as I got home. While I was out, all of my memories were coming to me as dreams. I remembered everything, from the day I met you to the day I died… By the time I woke up, you were already gone, so I came after you without saying anything to anyone.”
“Wow… I, I don’t know what to say… Was it bad? Having to touch your dead body?”
“It was pretty gross. There were maggots on it and everything, but they disappeared somewhere before I even touched it. Still though, touching a six-month-old bear carcass is pretty disgusting, even if it was me at some point. At least it got my memories back. It was all thanks to you and Amorak.”
“No, I didn’t do anything. I’m so glad that Amorak was able to figure out a way to help you remember. I was ready to give up entirely, especially what happened with the sapling…”
“But you didn’t! Even after I denied what you told me or when you got frustrated because I could only remember for a few seconds. You tried so hard to get me to remember.” He reached over to me and pulled me into a tight hug, burying his face into my hair. I was surprised at the sudden gesture, but quickly wrapped my arms around him as soon as I felt his shoulders begin to tremble. “K-Kenai?” He responded by tightening his arms around me. “Thank you so much, Clair. Thank you for not giving up on me.” His voice was low and quivering, but I didn’t feel any tears. He must have just been really emotional. Even if he wasn’t crying, tears started to well in my own eyes.
“Please don’t thank me. I did give up. I don’t deserve your thanks. I got so discouraged that I really gave up on you. I’m so sorry, Kenai. I’m sorry I let you down. I’m so, so sorry.” He shook his head, still not removing his face from the copper locks he was hiding in. “I know you. I know you wouldn’t give up on me, just like I wouldn’t give up on you. I’m your guardian. Do you really believe that you were going to give up just like that?”
I thought about this. Yes, I had been angry. Yes, I was discouraged. After what happened at the river, I wanted nothing more but to beat him senseless. Even so, I still loved him. Not just in a romantic way, but I loved him just as much as I did when he was a bear. I loved my guardian. Now thinking about it, I don’t think I could ever give up like that. I cared about him too much. He was everything to me. I couldn’t give up. I wasn’t going to, even if I was angry at him.
“No, I guess not,” I said softly. We stayed in silence for a moment, neither of us making a move to pull away from the hug. “Hey,” he finally said, “Maybe we should cut this sappy stuff out. We already made ourselves look like dorks outside, we don’t have to do it in the plane too.” We laughed, both of us pulling back, although I don’t think either of us wanted to.
“Hey, I almost forgot.” Kenai reached into his pocket, pulling out a necklace of beads, a bear carving in the middle. “T-The amulet… You fixed it…?” He nodded, placing it in my hands. “This is kind of important, I don’t think you’d want to lose it.” I down at the amulet. The beads were in the wrong order, inverting it from brown and red to red and brown, but the fact that he had fixed it, even before he regained his memories, meant a lot to me. “Thank you so much,” I said, a bright smile spreading onto my face. Kenai chuckled. “Just don’t be so dramatic next time.” I looked away from him, feeling a little embarrassed. Maybe I did go a little overboard.
I felt his eyes on me, so I turned back to face him. He was giving me a loving look, watching me through half-closed eyes. There was an endearing smile on his face, widening as I felt heat creep onto my cheeks. “What are you looking at? Or are you thinking about Kate?” He snapped out of his daze, looking somewhat startled, a faint blush also reaching his face. “What? No, I was just…” Irritation seemed to possess his expression. Why did I say that? Was I that jealous? “I was just happy that I can finally remember you.” He turned away from me, not saying another word. He seemed to be in deep thought.
Why? Why did I have to ruin a good thing? I gave a sigh, looking back down to the amulet. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.” He shook his head, still not looking at me. “It’s fine.” His voice wasn’t angry, or even irritated. It wasn’t neutral, either. It was more like a wondering tone. What have I done? I turned away, deciding to give him some space. As I looked out of the plane’s window, looking at the state of Alaska below us, I began to wonder about my feelings. Were they going to get in the way? Were they pointless now that Kenai remembered? Playing with the amulet in my hand, I continued to look outside, wondering. Why was the happiness that I felt earlier suddenly fleeting? Not just in me, but in both of us. We should be happy. We were together again. He remembers now. So, why did we still feel restless?