[ 35. confession ]
J E O N G G U K
note that there's a lot of time
passing in between the next few chaps!
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Jeongguk's lost track of time, to be honest.
The therapy continues with the same routine: an exercise, break, individual counseling, and at the end of the day, they reveal their inner, sinful thoughts to the entire group no matter how embarassing it is. All of it is just some fruitless effort to get rid of their homosexuality.
"When will they realize me being me isn't a disease," Jin grumbles, helping Jeongguk clean dishes after their dinner. Will is on Jeongguk's other side, drying them after Jeongguk washes them.
"Probably never," Will says, taking a dish from Jeongguk. "Everyone's so used to a man and woman together, anything else is just weird."
"Never my ass," Jin scoffs. Jeongguk whispers for him to calm down when Jin begins to scrub the plate he's holding violently, warning him he'll break it. "It's 1989 already."
"At least people like us don't get arrested anymore," Will shrugs. Jeongguk turns his head towards him, lifting an eyebrow at Will. "What? You've never read gay history?" Jeongguk shakes his head.
"Back in the days, gays like us would get arrested for no reason. It was stupid as fuck 'cause it really isn't a crime wanting dick up your ass or wanting to love the same gender," Jin hands Jeongguk the last plate, voice sounding bitter.
"You didn't have to add the 'dick up your ass' part," Will frowns while Jeongguk's hanging his head low, hiding the way the apples of his cheeks are glowing red. He tries to shrink between the two of them to not be noticed, but much to his hopes, Jin gasps.
"Holy shit did our little baby get dick up his ass?" Jin whispers, carefully glancing around the room to make sure nobody can overhear them. Jeongguk swallows, shaking his head, but it's obvious by the way his face is tinted red.
"Bold of you to try that since AIDs is going around," Will says, nudging Jeongguk's side. "Good job for staying safe." Jeongguk cracks a shy smile, finding himself chuckling along with the duo.
"Damn, he did the nasty before me. I-I can't believe that," Jin shakes his head, though Jeongguk doesn't ignore the wide smile on his face. Jin wiggles his eyebrows at him, making the skin around his eyes crinkle.
"So how does it feel to be, you know?" Will asks, leaning against the sink as Jeongguk wipes up the water with a rag. He shrugs, recalling the last few times he had sex with Taehyung. Although, he doesn't mention them— it's too embarrassing.
"It feels weird but it gets better the more you do it," Jeongguk says, his voice soft. Jin and Will gasp, exchanging looks of shock between the two of them.
"No way! You did it more than once?" Jin places his hand over his mouth rather dramatically. Jeongguk rolls his eyes, smacking his arm with the towel.
"What did Mr. Jeon do more than once? The three of them whip their heads to see Richards standing by the front door, more dishes in hand from dinner.
The three of them glance at one another, gulping. Jin chuckles awkwardly, scratching the side of his neck as the other two try to hide behind his wide shoulders.
"He prayed more than once to eliminate his homosexual tendencies," Jin says, biting his lip when Richards doesn't say anything for awhile. A couple moments pass until he nods and gives the plates to Jin to wash.
"Good job Jeon. Keep it up," Richards says before turning around and leaving the kitchen. The three of them exhale in unison, looking at one another with small smiles that eventually turn into laughter.
"I hate you both so much," Jeongguk says, smacking Jin and Will's side again and flipping the faucet on. The three of them continue to laugh, spending the rest of their night talking and playing Super Mario in their bedroom.
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The camp and Richards had decided to take the patients out for a day to town, rewarding them for their cooperation this week during the exercises and counseling sessions. Well, it's more like nobody cried or tried to fight the system.
Jeongguk, Will, and Jin with the rest of their group head to an old record shop and cafe as per request of one of the other members. It's really boring since they have to move in groups, and they can't branch out to see more of downtown Nashville.
But as Jeongguk steps inside the record shop slash cafe, he's surprised to see it isn't that bad after all. They can only look and buy food since the posession of any secular items is prohibited, but the entire record shop doesn't look to bad.
There's records and tapes for sale and walkmans. Jeongguk stays beside Will and Jin the entire time, exploring the store with them in silence.
"You think they'd get pissed if I steal a Madonna tape?" Jin whispers only for Will and Jeongguk to hear. Will shrugs, pushing him foreward to do it when Richards isn't looking, but Jeongguk quickly shakes his head.
"It's illegal to steal," Jeongguk whispers. Jin rolls his eyes at him before scanning the surrounding area and snatching a Madonna tape right from the stand. He stuffs it beneath his belt, smirking at Jeongguk when nobody seems to notice.
"What they do to us is ten times more illegal than me snatching a tape," Jin says, shrugging. Jeongguk opens his mouth to argue back but nothing comes out. He's somewhat right, though Jeongguk can't deny the bad feeling bubbling in his stomach.
Jeongguk trails behind him, continuing to look around the store. They have awhile until Richards and the staff call them to eat in the cafe next door, and what happens to catch his eye is the phone booth pushed to the corner of the store.
"I'll be back," Jeongguk tells them, already walking off before he can hear their response. He grabs his wallet from his back pocket, taking out twenty cents as he steps into the booth.
He doesn't know who to call, and he knows by now school is already over so all of his friends have to be home. Plus he has a lot of loose change in his wallet to make two calls, so he guesses he has to choose who to call carefully.
Deciding who to call, Jeongguk doesn't hesitate dialing Grace's number on the phone, growing slightly desperate to hear his best friend's voice again as the phone starts to ring. It doesn't take long until the ringing stops as Jeongguk holds his breath.
"Andersons' home. Who's this?" At the sound of Grace's phone into the speaker, Jeongguk exhales, feeling his heart squeeze in his chest. For some reason, he feels oddly calm hearing her voice.
"Grace, it's me," Jeongguk says, the words that leave his mouth beginning to shake. He hears her gasp on her end, and soon enough, his lips are pulling into a tiny smile.
"Fuck, Jeongguk. How are you?" Grace asks, and he can picture her leaning against the wall, a smile the same size as his own on her face.
"I'm doing okay. They haven't gotten to me yet," He says, chuckling a little. Grace laughs into the phone, her laughter making his insides flutter with the warmth he's been missing for awhile now.
"Thank god you are. Remember you're not at all what they say okay? You are still normal and amazing as ever. I love you," She says, not knowing how much her words mean to him. Jeongguk leans back against the wall of the phonebooth, letting his eyes fall shut as his fingers curl around the phone.
"Is everyone doing okay back home?" He asks, not able to bring himself to say Taehyung's name. Whenever he does, the lump in his throat feels like a stone and his stomach tightens.
"Everything's fine. There was a few accidents but we got them all sorted out," Grace says. "Otherwise all of us are doing good. We miss you, you know."
"I miss you both," Jeongguk lets out a shaky breath, feeling his throat begin to close. He turns his head to where all of his members are, seeing them wander around the shop, not noticing him.
"Stay strong okay? Your mom told mine that you'll come home in a month. We'll see each other again soon," Grace laughs, though the sound is more of a cover up to hide the fact she's been sniffling for a few minutes.
"Hopefully. I love you Grace," Jeongguk whispers, his fingers trembling as he grips harder onto the phone. "Is he also d-doing good?" Jeongguk brings himself to ask.
"Taehyung's going through some things, but you know him. He's a fighter even when things aren't great," Grace chuckles into the phone. At this, a grin twitches on Jeongguk's lips. "He tells me he loves you every day, and when you two come back, he wants to run away and marry you."
"Of course he does," Jeongguk giggles, playing with the string connecting his phone to the wall. "If only things were that easy, right?" He says, running a hand through his short locks.
"You should call him after me, you know, just to check up on him. I think he'd really appreciate to hear your voice, Gguk," Grace says, her words making Jeongguk's eyes squeeze shut. He nods stiffly, though he knows she can't see it.
"I'll try and call him," Jeongguk whispers. Grace hums into the phone, and soon it's time to end the call. They both say their goodbyes before the call's over, and when it's over, Jeongguk's already entering in more coins and dialing Taehyung's home number.
After a few rings, Jeongguk gulps when there's a moment of silence between the calls. Suddenly he doesn't know what to say, his entire mind going blank as a familiar deep voice fills the speaker.
"Hello?" Taehyung says, his voice slightly raspy probably by the fact he just woke up. Jeongguk remembers how he loves to sleep in late whenever he can, and he guesses today's one of those days.
Jeongguk covers his hand over his mouth, fighting the urge to cry as he presses his lips together into a tight line. He hears Taehyung repeat the same question into the phone, growing slightly agitated with each passing second.
He can't do it. He can't talk to him.
So he lets Taehyung end the call, and he lets himself put the phone back and walk out of the booth. It's not until he reaches Will and Jin does his shoulders begin to tremble and his chin quivers. Jin's laughing about something but stops when he notices Jeongguk isn't laughing along.
Jin and Will stop laughing and immediately run to his side as Jeongguk covers his face, sniffling into his palms. Jin places his arm over Jeongguk's shoulder, patting his back as the littler one finally allows himself to cry out the burden that's been crushing him.
"It's gonna be okay, kid," Jin whispers, his other hand stroking his head to calm him down. "Cry it all out and once you're done, I'll buy you a milkshake with my own money. Well, actually with Will's, but we're here," He pats his head and ignores Will, concern lacing his words.
Jeongguk looks up at the two of them through teary eyes, struggling to form a smile on his lips. He swipes at his eyes with his sleeves, murmuring 'thank you' as Jin and Will bicker with one another about Jin stealing his money.
As much as he's thankful for the two of them, Jeongguk still feels empty.
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"Jeongguk, someone's here for you," Jin calls his name out. Jeongguk glances up from his book, noticing his counselor standing in the doorway. He removes his headset and sets it on his bedside, watching as Jin and Will exit his room to give them privacy.
He's never had a visit with his counselor except for the occasional check-ups to see if they are doing their icebergs as instructed. Othewise, he doesn't really talk to his counselor that often unlike some of the other members.
"I'm Rick," The guy looks young and he doesn't seem to want to do any harm compared to Richards who's constantly shouting and staring at them like they're below him.
Rick and Jeongguk shake hands. He pulls a chair from the desk beside Jin's bed and sits in front of Jeongguk, a clipboard in hand and a tape recorder. Jeongguk raises an eyebrow at this, wondering what's going on.
"We take your confession after a couple weeks of treatment to evaluate you," Rick explains, noticing how Jeongguk's eyebrows are now drawing together into a bunch. None of this makes sense at all.
"So Jeongguk, you answer every question I ask you with honesty. God does not appreciate liars," Rick chuckles, tapping his pen on his clipboard. Jeongguk nods, setting his hands on his thighs as he licks his lips. This can't be that hard.
"Okay. First of all, do you think your relationship with Kim Taehyung was a mistake?" His eyes widen instantly, the younger choking on air. Jeongguk does not expect him to know this, yet here he is, staring at him for answer.
"N-None of this was a mistake. Both of us didn't think it was," Jeongguk swallows, watching him scribble something down on the clipboard. Rick hums, bringing the tape recorder between them.
"Answer my questions with either a yes or no from now on," Rick says, to which Jeongguk nods again, curling his fingers inwards, digging his nails into his palm.
"Did you start the relationship?" Rick asks. Jeongguk shakes his head, tapping his fingers against his palm gently.
"Did you pursue any homosexual acts with this other boy? You may answer in sentences," Rick continues, not eyeing Jeongguk once. Jeongguk nods, biting down on his tongue when Rick looks up, waiting for his answer.
"I kissed him," Jeongguk says, mouth dry. "I kissed him and that's all we ever did." Rick writes it down again on the board.
"Did you ever engage in sexual intercouse with Kim Taehyung?"
"No, I haven't," Jeongguk lies, knowing there will surely be consequences if he dares to tell the truth. With AIDs going around, who knows how they'll react to him even though he doesn't have it.
"Did you have sexual thoughts about Kim Taehyung or any other males?" Rick asks all these questions with a flat expression, all in which Jeongguk answers with a yes and the occasional no.
"Have you had any previous relationships?" No.
"You are fully aware of how unnatural and shameful your actions are, correct?" Yes. Another lie. None of this is unnatural or shameful.
"Did you engage in sexual activities with Kim Taehyung or any other male?" No. A lie. How funny.
"How often did you masturbate?" At this, Jeongguk scoffs, his eyebrows furrowed on his features as he shakes his head.
"What are these questions? Y-you can't know these things about me. There's no point knowing about these things," Jeongguk frowns, gesturing at the tape recorder with his chin. Rick remains unbothered and writes something down.
"Answer my question, Jeongguk. How often do you masturbate? If so, were you viewing porn or using sinful thoughts of other men to satisfy your shameful desires?" Rick says, voice equally stone as his expression.
"That's unnecessary to ask. Ask something else," Jeongguk grits his teeth together, his fingers clenching into fists on his lap. Rick listens, thankfully, and goes to the next question.
"Do you love Kim Taehyung?"
Jeongguk freezes, the question completely different than the others. His shoulders slowly slump, and the frown he wears fades into a thin line. Jeongguk glances at his lap, now fidgeting with the edge of his shirt cuff. Rick sits there patiently, tapping his pen on his clipboard all over again.
"I do. I love him," Jeongguk says, his breath hitching in his throat when Rick writes something on his board again. "I'll always love him as a friend and as s-something more."
"You're very aware men can't be in the same relationship as a man and a woman right?" Rick asks. Jeongguk nods stiffly, but before Rick can write it down, he says his name. Rick glances up, lifting an eyebrow at him.
"I'm sure it can be possible," Jeongguk whispers, unable to hear his words over the rhythmic thumping of his heart against his rib cage.
"What do you mean? Same sex love is an illusion created by a trauma that causes the confusion. It surely can be cured since it's not really love," Rick frowns. Jeongguk shakes his head, bitterness crawling up his throat.
"If you're saying love is an illusion, doesn't that apply to other relationships? Which clearly it doesn't, so if love is possible between two different people, then who is to say it's impossible for homosexuals?" Jeongguk asks, not sure where this confidence to talk back is coming from. Rick's eyebrows raise, his eyes widening slightly.
"You're just a teenager, Jeongguk. You know nothing about love," Rick says, ending the conversation there, his tone cold. Jeongguk gulps, feeling as though the guy isn't listening to him in the first place.
"Last question. Were you ever touched by another man or by Mr. Kim without consent?" Rick says it so calmly as if he hears the answer is 'yes' it's simply just another side effect to being homosexual.
The color drains from Jeongguk's face immediately. His heartbeat begins to race, and the hairs over his arms stand. Jeongguk tries to control his breathing, to keep himself put together as those memories trickle in. He hopes Rick would believe him, hoping that being honest about it would at least change something.
Rick, however, says nothing and continues to write down on his clipboard. Jeongguk wants to scream at him for not caring or doing anything about it as he seems to shrink within his own skin where he's supposed to be comfortable. Rick doesn't care about him all because he's different.
Jeongguk trembles on his seat, unable to stop himself from shaking with every single emotion that rages inside of him. Turmoil, that's what manifests in his mind and his heart. He peers over at Rick who finishes the tape and sets it on his clipboard.
"Thanks for the talk," He says, getting up from his chair and putting it back. Jeongguk's simply speechless.
"Y-you seriously don't care?" Jeongguk asks, tilting his head up to meet Rick's eye. Rick stops by his bed, their gazes interlocked but he says nothing.
"N-None of you g-give a damn about w-what happened to me?" Jeongguk's voice shakes and his eyes are already numb, too used to the feeling of crying.
Rick says nothing, turning his stare elsewhere. Jeongguk waits for him to speak, chewing on his lips as he feels hot tears collide against his icey skin. People do something about stuff like that right? They have to, Jeongguk thinks, silently begging Rick to say something.
"It already happened kid. There's nothin' else you could do except to accept the fact you wanted it," Rick says and turns around, leaving him alone in his room.
Those are the exact words Jeongguk doesn't want to hear. He doesn't move, and for some reason he doesn't feel like he's alive. He feels empty, dead, and suddenly his will to carry on in this camp is gone.
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fjsksks i'm mad ya'll my book NO
LOVE ALLOWED got deleted by wp
and i'm just ehsksk ): it sucks
anyways i hope you guys had a
good day or night! and also for some
reason taehyung's feet has been in
my head??? he has rlly nice feet???
fjsjskd i love you guys and this
book ends in 3 more chaps 🤧💛
i'm sad to see WB end omg )):