[ 34. say something ]
J E O N G G U K
count down to the end ):
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"Today we'll start with this exercise," Richards says, and in his hands are a stack of posterboard and by his feet is a tub of different markers. He hands them out to each one of them, giving them a smile that's starting to wear Jeongguk out.
"On this we'll be tracking your family trauma to discover where the cause of your homosexuality was rooted," He continues to explain. Jeongguk frowns a little, the skin between his brows creasing. He glances over at Jin, wondering what's going on.
"This is bullshit. All my parents were gay," Jin mumbles under his breath. Jeongguk stops himself from smiling at that, knowing the director would get angry at him.
"Start with you and your parents, then your uncles and aunts, and up to your grandparents," Richards says. "List beneath them problems that come to mind like alcoholism or if they're serving jail time. Any of this could link to your homosexuality, and also your counselors can help if they're more specific."
Richards tells them he'll call them back in thirty minutes. So for the rest of the time, he says they can work together and talk amongst themselves while following one of their rules: no 'campy' behavior. Jin immediately gestures Jeongguk to follow him to the floor where Will is at.
"You were outed huh?" Jin whispers, keeping his voice soft for the fear the directors would hear them. Jeongguk takes a second to realize he's talking to him. He nods stiffly, forcing himself not to think about that night.
"People here know how it feels," He waves at Will and sits on the floor. Jeongguk follows after him, guessing it won't hurt to talk to him. They all keep their space to avoid giving others the wrong idea.
"I wasn't outed though," Jin shrugs, pulling the cap off his marker. "My parents don't appreciate my alleged 'gender dysphoria' or whatever they say." He says, rolling his eyes and writing his name on the board in Korean letters.
"Why are you writing in Korean?" Jeongguk asks him, his gaze flitting over at Will for a second. He notices the boy staring at him, but once he looks at him, he turns his head back to his board.
"Piss them off of course. All I know how to write is Korean curse words and basic vocabulary and grammar so I might as well write "you guys are shit fuckers" in another language," Jin says, smirking.
Jeongguk raises an eyebrow at him.
"Won't you get in trouble though?" Jeongguk's still confused as he writes down his name in English. He follows his name with different branches out to his family members, though he gets stuck trying to label their 'problems'.
"He does, every time," Will finally speaks up. Jeongguk and Jin turn their head towards him, and he observes how unlike Jin, Will is always smiling. It reminds him of Grace. Grace.
"My parents call me saying they don't appreciate the angry phonecalls from the program," Jin laughs, his laughter squeaky like a wind-shield wiper. "I don't care though. This place is totally bullshit."
"Careful, Jin. The people here are gonna force you into 'the chair' again," Will taunts him, his voice sounding spooky. Jin rolls his eyes, busy trying to write Korean letters the correct way on his board.
"What's the chair?" Jeongguk asks another question. He's clueless, but thankfully, Jin and Will know what they're doing. He wonders how long they've been here.
"Basically punishment if you don't wanna play nice. They strap you to this chair and scream at you to banish the 'gay' away. Then they force you to watch gay porn, and if your body reacts, they punish you because God allows them to," Jin explains, the genuine laughter leaving his lips is replaced by a bitter chuckle.
"But y-you can't help that though?" Jungkook frowns, glancing up from his board to see Jin's features are stone cold. He peers over at Will, who also doesn't want to meet his eye either.
"What? How do you know? Unless?" Jin teases him. Jungkook's face instantly heats up, his cheeks feeling as though something is burning his skin. He ignores Jin and Will's laughter, instead focusing on his board.
"None of us are innocent Jeon. No need to feel gross," Will assures him after Jeongguk says nothing for awhile. Jeongguk nods, unable to bring himself to look up at him. Little does he know.
He stares at his messy writing, wondering what he should label. Jeongguk puts 'young pregnancy' under his mom's name, though he's sure it isn't that bad. She was in her early twenties when she had him. He also adds 'sex before marriage' since his parents weren't married then either.
Jeongguk's family is in Korea, so he doesn't really know them very well. He hasn't been to his home country since they immigrated to America even though he used to beg his parents to go visit. He's heard occasional drama about his dad's brother's gambling issues, and that his mom's sister was in debt.
Money issues. That's what he puts. Jeongguk leans back, staring down at his empty board, wondering how the hell other people's problems made him gay. Curious, he glances at Jin and Will's board, surprised they have more things than him.
"None of this shit is true," Will whispers, catching Jeongguk staring at his board for too long. Jeongguk gulps, ready to apologize but Will cracks him a smile.
"They like it when your family has a lot of issues," He says, gesturing at his board. "More reasons to blame your homosexuality on. My Aunt Betsy isn't a prostitute but it won't hurt to spice things up."
"God, I can picture Richards saying 'your aunt's prostitution stems from a troubling relationship with her parents thus her struggles prompt you to have homosexual thoughts' or some shit," Jin snorts. Jeongguk even finds himself smiling somewhat. There's just something about Jin that's refreshing.
It's already been thirty minutes, and Jeongguk realizes that he's been talking to them more than he's been working. Richards then comes around to check their boards and collect them, but he stops at their group a little longer.
"I'll make sure to make your session with your counselor longer, Mr. Hall," Richards says, taking all of their boards into his arms. Will nods, the seriousness on his face clearly a facade because the moment Richards walks away he starts to laugh.
"See Jeon. This place only feels like hell if you let it," Jin nudges his shoulder, the smile he wears more gentle than the others. "Smile more, kid."
Jeongguk nods again, taking in all the information, yet he can't smile. They don't know that every time he smiles, he remembers Taehyung on his front porch with that broken smile both of them know he can't hold. He was crying all because of him, yet he still smiled at him like everything's okay.
He sucks in a shaky breath, squeezing his hands together in his lap. He remembers leaving him so vividly, whenever he closes his eyes he can see him. Taehyung. That's all he can think about, and that's what makes his throat feel dry and his eyes feel that familiar sting.
If Taehyung had just let him say it, he wonders if things would be somewhat different. Jeongguk had wanted to tell his parents he loves Taehyung that morning, but Taehyung kept shaking his head, whispering to him it's okay if he lies.
Maybe if he just ran to him, things could have been different for sure.
"You okay Jeon?" Will asks, snapping him out of his thoughts. Jeongguk blinks several times before bobbing his head up and down. He glances down at his shaky hands and follows Will and Jin as they walk back to the circle.
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"You okay Tae?" Grace runs up to his side a couple days later, able to sense something's wrong without even looking at him. He hasn't seen her awhile since her dad took her to California for a few days after Jeongguk left.
"I'm fine," Taehyung says, his voice raspy. His eyes are still slightly puffy from the night before and his throat feels like sandpaper.
The night after that day, his dad and he had a talk after Rachel left. He had explained to his dad about Jeongguk and his relationship for the last few months and how he felt about him, unable to stop himself from talking along with the flow of tears spilling down his face.
Surprisingly, his dad listened to him the entire time. He didn't make a nasty comment or interrupted him; in fact, right after he took him in his arms and hugged him. They sat there in silence until his dad proposed a movie night where they made popcorn and drank soda, binging every VHS tape they owned.
It still pains Taehyung that Jeongguk has left. He felt a little eased beside his dad like old times, but a part of him will never stop thinking about Jeongguk. It amazes him how love works.
"You know we can call Jeongguk at the facility right? Jeongguk's mom told mine about the place, so I searched it up on the phonebook and found their number," Grace says. He appreciates how she manages to stay positive even when it's obvious they have already lost.
"I doubt they'll let him call though," Taehyung murmurs, leaning against his locker as he fidgets with his fingers. Grace's smile instantly dims.
"Tae, what's seriously wrong? We promised we'll tell one another everything," Grace places her hand on his arm, squeezing his side gently. Taehyung gulps, shrugging, his chin beginning to tremble.
"M-my parents are splitting up," He confesses, seeing there's no use in hiding anything anymore. Everything's already out in the open.
"Oh. I-I'm sorry about that," Grace whispers, her hands falling back to her sides. "I-It stuns you at first, doesn't it?" She says after a couple moments of silence.
"Y-yeah, and m-my dad knows about Jeongguk," Taehyung nods, pressing his lips together. "He said he'll try to get used it for my sake."
"Really?" Taehyung nods. "That's a-amazing Tae. All that's left is getting you and Gguk back together and everything will be... just how everything should be," Grace murmurs, though both of them know it's not that easy.
"I failed him Grace," Taehyung whispers, his words cracking. Grace nods, patting his shoulder as she seems to be holding back tears.
"You didn't Tae," Grace says, her tone softening. She wipes at her eyes with her sleeve, making herself smile for Taehyung. "You helped him as best as you could."
The two of them walk side by side to the football lockers. A lot of their classmates continue to give them dirty looks and say nasty names that still hurt even though Taehyung tries his best to ignore them. It's sad to see nobody has dared to change their minds, especially after what happened to Jeongguk.
They all ignored the fact Jason exposed him like that. The reality fucking sucks because nobody cares— to them it's another joke, another way to hate. If Jeongguk was a girl they'd react just the same way. It's disgusting people like Jason with those type of mindsets that bring out the worst in people.
When Taehyung arrives at the lockers with Grace, he swallows, staring at the door. It's been a week since they attacked him in there, but he still finds himself hesitant to go inside.
"Steven's here right?" Grace asks him as he grabs the handle. Taehyung glances at her, nodding slightly. Lately Steven's been friendly with them, even spending some time with them after school instead of Jason.
He's offered to stay by his side just in case someone would attack him again. Taehyung's healed quick enough to be the field, but he still isn't able to play for another couple of weeks. He doesn't mind as long as he can watch, though he's somewhat grateful Steven has his back.
Knowing Jason, he'll surely take advantage of his injured state.
"Yeah. I'll meet you at the bleachers, right?" Taehyung says, to which Grace quickly responds with one of her sunshine smiles. She gives him a thumbs-up for goodluck and walks over to the bleachers where the cheerleading team is (she likes checking them out).
Taehyung enters the lockerrom the moment she's already half-way across the field. He still limps a little as he heads inside, and the moment they notice he's there, they all grow silent.
Most of them were laughing until they see him. It's funny considering they acted the same way just days ago. Taehyung ignores them, limping his way to his locker where Steven is, sitting on the benches between the lockers. He waves at him and moves aside for Taehyung to join him.
"Wish you could play again Kim," Steven says as Taehyung puts in his locker combo. "You actually made my job as a wide receiver easier," He mumbles, prompting Taehyung to crack a smile.
"Really? How so?" Taehyung asks, feeling the tension in his shoulders ease. Steven groans, obviously playing around. Everyone's attention is on them, listening into their conversation.
"You throw really good, and you have the highest percentage stats for complete plays," Steven says, shrugging like it's nothing. Taehyung snorts, wincing slightly as he exchanges his street clothes for a black shirt and shorts.
"I honestly think you can get a scholarship," Steven says louder on purpose. Taehyung glances at him and Jason, noticing the boy's giving them a death glare. He rolls up the sleeves to his black shirt, smirking.
"To where?" Taehyung asks, meeting Steven's eyes. He stifles the laughter crawling up his throat when he spots Jason walking over to them from the corner of his eye.
"Florida State maybe. I feel they'd give you a scholarship honestly," Steven shrugs, and two burst into laughter when Jason finally stops in front of them.
"Shut the fuck up, both of you," Jason growls, crossing his arms over his chest. "I dunno what ya'll are playing at but give it up already." Steven and Taehyung exchange clueless looks, shrugging at one another.
"Why, what's wrong Jase?" Steven says, blinking innocently at his ex-best friend. Jason grits his teeth together, a scowl twitching on his features.
"My best friend is siding with some cocksucker, that's what," Jason snaps, pointing at them both. "What is Kim offering, huh? You sucking his cock?"
"Guys can be friends without that shit, dude," Steven gets up, standing by Taehyung. He feels his hand settle on his shoulder, silently telling him he's there beside him. Taehyung glances at Steven, noticing the smug smirk on his face.
"Save the bullshit and tell me what ya'll are doin. Ya'll know I'm getting that scholarship from Florida, not you, you faggot," Jason shouts, his voice echoing off the lockers. Everyone's dead silent, too invested in what's happening to speak.
"Oh really, Jase?" Taehyung straightens his posture, using his slight height advantage over Jason. He clenches his jaw, glaring at Jason with a lopside smile sitting lazily on his lips. He clenches his fists by his sides, veins lining up his knuckles in webs.
"When I'm fully healed, I swear I'll take my position back," Taehyung grins, his tone threatening. "You're the fucking disgusting one, friend. Call me a 'fag' but I'm better than you. You know that."
"I already outed that piece of shit," Jason's voice shakes with anger, his bright blue eyes darkening. "I can ruin your chances too."
"Coward," Taehyung's lips collapse into a frown. He takes a step back, scanning his surroundings to see everybody staring right at him.
"All of you listen to me closely," Taehyung shouts, projecting his voice throughout the entire locker room. He gulps, feeling this rush of confidence in his veins that he's never felt before. He feels Steven squeeze his shoulder, assuring him to go on.
"This homophobia shit you're spreading is bullshit. It's not a fucking phobia, and you guys are totally not afraid of it. Every single one of you in this room is an asshole. So much of an asshole you're so quick to turn on anyone when they do something differently," Taehyung snaps.
"Cut the crap, all of you. You're not scared or threatened by people like me— you just want some shitty excuse to bully a kid," Taehyung gestures at them all. "A team works together, and what I'm seeing is just ridiculous. So what if I'm gay? I still act the same and play the same, yet you insist I'm some monster."
"Stop this already Kim. Nobody's listening," Jason snarls, but Taehyung ignores him. He shakes his head, scoffing at him. In fact, when he looks around, everybody is listening to him.
"No you listen Jason," Taehyung jabs his finger into his chest, scowling. "I'm not asking you or anyone to change your minds now. I'm asking all of you to look past it for the sake of the team and the other students here. I don't care if you don't accept it or do— at least have some basic human decency and learn to respect others for their preferences."
Taehyung catches his breath when he finishes. He glances around the entire room, his lips pulling into a smile when everyone's heads are hanging low. His gaze locks with Jason's, a smirk spreading across Taehyung's lips at the boy's red face.
"Let's go play some football," Taehyung says before turning around and walking right out of the locker room.
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Jeongguk hasn't been able to sleep lately.
He tosses and turns in his hed, the mattress beneath him feeling like thorns pricking into his sides. His pillows feels like a rock beneath his head, and the blankets are so thin he can feel the chill from the fan on the back of his neck.
On sleepless nights, Taehyung would come in and slip his arms around him. He would feel the warmth of his body against his back and his feet between his. Sleeping always comes easier with Taehyung for some reason.
And whenever he closes his eyes, his mind wanders back to that night. He hates it, and whenever memories of the deafening music and cheers of drunken teenagers entire his dreams, he shoots up in bed, feeling as though Jason's gripping onto him.
Sometimes the nightmares last longer. Jeongguk's mind occasionally cuts to the part where people are forcing him to drink, and the moment where alcohol slowly invades his mind and leaves his thoughts scattered. It feels like he's there all over again.
He can feel the ghost of the person on him and Jason's voice in his ear, hot and uncomfortable. Sometimes Jeongguk can feel hands strapping him down to the bed, and on those nights he feels like he's screaming but no sound comes out.
Tonight is just like that.
Jeongguk pulls his legs close to his chest, circling his arms around his legs as he leans his chin on his knees. He stares at Jin and Will's bed, seeing his roommates are fast asleep.
He cries just a little, the tears that slip out are the start of a steady trickle that will leave his eyes red and puffy in the morning. He quickly wipes them away with his palm, the soft hiccups that leave his lips muffled against his knees.
The therapy isn't that bad, but he still finds himself missing Memphis and everyone back home. All he does in therapy is talk to a counselor about his feelings very vaguely, do exercises about their so called trauma, and watch other members suffer from exposing exercises whenever they mess up.
Those exposing exercises aren't a sight to see. Jeongguk can barely watch them as they scream and cry for Richards to let them go, but all of them know he won't unless they do what he says.
The one with the two chairs is what scares Jeongguk. One of the members sit in a chair, pretending to be talking to their parent and having to release their anger on them. Though none of them are angry at their parents, and whenever they fail to do the drill, Richards yells at them.
"Your parents hate you. They put you here because they despise you yet they're the reason you're gay so tell them, tell them you hate them child," Richards screamed at this one kid. He's sobbing in his chair, and Jin and Will who are holding him down don't look too happy either.
"I-I c-can't!" The kid screams back, and Richards throws his clipboard to the ground, scaring everyone in the room.
"We'll sit here all day, Jenkins," He growls, crossing his arms over his chest after adjusting his glasses. "They'll be plannin' your funeral by the time you're done." And with that, the kid sobs harder.
Jeongguk shudders at the memory. Eventually Jenkins passed out from crying so much, and Richards had no choice but to call a break. Jin, Will, and Jeongguk had went out to the back and drank juice boxes without exchanging a single word.
Jin and Will are literally the only people that make this place more tolerable. They aren't like Grace and Taehyung, but with them, Jeongguk doesn't feel so lost. The duo are starting to be his friends, and it's as though they're in this together.
He wipes his eyes again, the skin around them already raw and irritated. He doesn't want to wake his roommates up, though the homesickness that hits him tonight is worse than the previous nights.
Jeongguk reaches for his wallet on his bedside. He crosses his legs and sets his wallet on his bed, his heartbeat rattling against his ribcage. He carefully opens it and runs his fingers across the secret compartment before taking out the folded picture he's been keeping safe inside of it.
It's the picture of Taehyung and him from the aquarium on the day of the pride parade. Jeongguk's lips wobble, the smile that finds its way onto his face struggling to hold. He gently runs his thumb over Taehyung's face, his heart feeling heavier in his chest.
"That your boyfriend?" Jin's voice scares him. Jeongguk flinches, glancing up to see the boy's standing by his bed. He doesn't know why he's there, but he makes space for him.
"You two must be in love," Jin says, taking the photograph from Jeongguk's hand. Jeongguk nods, chewing his lips as he stares down at the picture.
"Were you guys happy?" Jin asks, and it doesn't take long for Jeongguk to come up with an answer.
"Yeah... very happy."
"I'm sorry you two were separated," Jin whispers, patting Jeongguk's knee. Jeongguk inhales sharply, fighting the sob creeping up his throat. He holds the picture between his hands, trying to pretend he's back underneath the purple light in Taehyung's embrace all over again.
"H-hey, you're crying," Jin frowns, reaching over and tilting Jeongguk's chin up to face him. Jin wipes his tears away with his sleeve, catching Jeongguk off guard though he knows he's just being nice.
Jin then hops off his bed and gets to his knees by his. Jeongguk peers over to see what he's doing, and when Jin stands up, he notices theres three things in his hands: two cans of coke, a small bag of doritos, and a gameboy.
"Do you like super mario?" Jin giggles. Jeongguk nods and lets him join him on his bed after he puts away the picture. He opens the bag of chips rather loudly, which worries Jeongguk since Will's still asleep.
"Don't worry about him. He's a heavy sleeper," His friend says, tossing Jeongguk his coke can. Jeongguk catches it and opens it, hesitating before taking a swig of it. The camp forbids sugary drinks, thinking that caffeine will induce their 'homosexual' behavior.
"How long have you been here?" Jeongguk asks him, watching him turn on his gameboy. He clutches his coke can as he leans forward, observing Jin while he plays Super Mario Land.
"I've been here for five months," Jin shrugs, groaning when Mario dies in his game. Jeongguk's eyes widen. "Don't worry kid, I'm fine," He waves him off before playing again.
"Five months is a long time though," Jeongguk says, reaching a shy hand into the dorito bag. Jin notices he's struggling so he sets it between them.
"Eh, I don't care. My dad works in a big company and my mom's doing her pageant crap so it's better than being alone," Jin shrugs. Jeongguk doesn't push it any further, knowing Jin must have his limits too when it comes to things like this.
"Can you tell me about this boy you love?" Jin hands him the gameboy much to Jeongguk's shock. He doesn't really play videogames anymore but he gives it a shot.
"He's really sweet and caring," Jeongguk says, not able to think about things while he's busy pressing each button rapidly to get to the end of the stage. When he does, his lips spread into a big smile.
"Boring," Jin cups his hands around his mouth. Jeongguk lifts an eyebrow at him, handing him back the gameboy. "Tell me juicy stuff. Any bitch can call their lover that."
"Geez, okay I will," Jeongguk finds himself laughing for the first time. It's been awhile, and when he stops, he can't ignore this warm feeling in his stomach. It feels so foreign, and God, he realizes it's been awhile since he's genuinely laughed.
"Tae's really protective, and I feel sometimes he does that because he's been outed before and he wants me to not worry even though I do. He hides how he feels a lot, but lately he's been better expressing himself," Jeongguk says, everything coming to him naturally. Jin hums, focusing on his game.
"Ew, gag me with a spoon. You two are like some old couple on their honeymoon," Jin pretends to gag. Jeongguk giggles again, the sound foreign to his ears as he smacks Jin's side.
"It felt like that for awhile," Jeongguk's smile falters. Jin notices this and he sets his gameboy on his lap, giving him his full attention. "Everything was perfect until we got outed."
"Ouch. From all the stories I've heard, it isn't very pretty," Jin says, throwing his arm over his shoulder. Jeongguk tenses slightly, not used to his touch. It takes him a moment to fully adjust and not feel like his skin's crawling, and thankfully Jin doesn't seem to be offended.
"It wasn't at all," Jeongguk murmurs, gulping. Jin sighs, patting his shoulder gently, comforting him.
"You know, by the looks of it, you two seem to really love one another," Jin says in a matter of fact tone. "I hope you two end up together even though people are homophobic shits who won't open their eyes."
"He was my first for everything," Jeongguk whispers, his voice softening as he remembers every moment he's spent with Taehyung. "First love, first kiss, first time," Both of them laugh at that.
"When you come out of this program, you have to fight for him Gguk. If you stop fighting you'll lose him. You can't just stop now after everything you've done," Jin points out. Jeongguk nods, swallowing the lumpg beginning to build in his throat.
"Even if we do stop fighting, that doesn't mean I'll ever stop loving him," Jeongguk says, playing with the top of his coke can. "I can't forget him."
"Whatever you choose to do, I'll support it. You deserve to be happy. Even though I don't know you long, you deserve it," Jin pats his back, flashing him a smile. Jeongguk's lips curve into a smille as well.
"Same with you," Jeongguk whispers, nudging his side. Jin chuckles, his squeaky laughter making Jeongguk laugh along. He hasn't felt this in so long, he's slowly growing addicted to it.
"Wanna play another round of Super Mario?" Jin asks, moving his arm away to play his game. Jeongguk takes a sip of his coke, unable to stop smiling as Jin focuses onto his game.
"Sure. Just know I'll beat you again," He says, and for the first time in a long time, he feels like himself again.
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we love our king seokjin🥰
also hi i love you guys (: lately
i've been feeling like you guys don't
know me very well, and i'm so sorry
about that djskskd i'm really introverted
outside of wp, so i struggle with talking
to people and making friends 👉👈
so uh, let's get to know each other!
ask me anything, and i'll respond (:
i'll ask you too: what nationality
are you? i'm filipino 🇵🇭💛