[ 32. one more night ]
J E O N G G U K
lights was a bop i love them so much
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The desire to be invisible tempts Jeongguk more than anything. If it means being able to breathe freely again, he wants it. Anything, just anything, to end this torture ravaging at his mind.
School has never been so hellish. Their stares follow him wherever, ripping at his skin and tearing him apart until his bones are exposed to find another reason to hate as if him being homosexual isn't enough for them.
He can hear all their disgusted whispers even if he tries to block them out. Their hushed voices linger in the walls of his own mind which is supposed to be private yet they're there, tormenting him. Ever since they saw that graphic picture of him, it's like Jeongguk's body is their own to judge.
Faggot, sodomite, homosexual. Hate, hate, hate. That's all everybody's capable of nowadays. Even Jeongguk himself. It's quite funny how things work.
"Out of my way, fag," Someone shoves into him roughly, too roughly to consider it an accident. They shove him again before shooting him a dirty look and joining their friends, cackling loudly as they cheer him on for putting the gay kid in his place.
Jeongguk swallows the lump that has made it's home in his throat, willing himself to not cry in public. He squeezes his eyes shut and inhales shakily, carefully putting himself back together again for the umpteenth time today. He just keeps falling apart over and over to the point he's unsure if he can hold himself together anymore.
When he opens his eyes, everyone's eyes are on him again— it's not even a surprise anymore. Jeongguk forces himself to continue walking, hoping all of them will just go away and leave him alone. God, please let them leave him be.
Forgetting he even exists works perfectly too.
"Sucked some cock today, did ya Jeon?" Jeongguk stops in his tracks, breath hitching through his nose. His mouth feels dry and a chill trickles down his spine. It's the voice of his attacker, the once muffled voice that is now clear in his mind is behind him.
"How was it? Huh fag?" Jason's breath is like fire down his neck, his hand like a crushing weight on Jeongguk's shoulder.
Jeongguk shrugs, therefore shrugging off his hand as well. His lungs tighten in his chest as if someone's squeezing them with a vice grip. Jason, however, grabs him by the shoulder and turns him around, making Jeongguk gasp at his roughness.
It's exactly what he felt that night; someone's nails digging into his skin, and their fingers pressing down hard, leaving bruises he had tried to ignore the next morning and pass off as random marks.
He wonders if Jason and his friend remembers that night as vividly as he does.
Vomit rises up Jeongguk's throat, acidic and burning, but he quickly swallows it back down when he meets Jason's eyes. They were once a bright, honest blue, but now they look the same, dark and empty, as Jeongguk's had looked in the mirror this morning.
Jeongguk wants to feel something, to feel anger, to feel hate, or any other emotions. He wants to scream at him, ask him why he stole that piece of his identity away from him yet he can't.
Every part of him feels numb. He doesn't know when he started to feel numb but he is. He feels nothing: not the dull thump of his heart, his blood rushing through his veins, nor his lungs struggling against the crippling heaviness pressing against his chest. Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
He is nothing, after all.
"What Jeon? Can't speak?" Jason grabs him by the collar, gripping onto the fabric tightly his knuckles are white. Jeongguk can see them shaking, but he says nothing. He is nothing.
"Leave him alone!" Someone screams. Jeongguk turns his head to where it comes from, and to his surprise, it's Grace. Grace and Taehyung.
They're rushing towards them, though he notices Grace has to keep a hand out for Taehyung. He tries to hide the pain in his eyes but Jeongguk can see him wincing. He clutches his side, trying hard to run despite how injured he is.
Jeongguk can't stand it. He looks away, begging silently for Taehyung to give up on him. As much as everything hurts so bad, Jeongguk's heart hasn't been affected until now. Each second he looks at Taehyung it's a blow to his fragile heart, destroying it chunk by chunk.
Heartbreak is worse than any kind of physical pain.
"Just drop the act Jason," Grace says, desperation in her voice. "Please, you've hurt him enough." He hasn't seen Grace this defeated, though he supposes everyone has their limits.
"You can't tell me shit Gracie," Jason says, his words like daggers. Grace, however, doesn't back down. She opens her mouth to speak, but Taehyung's faster. He lunges forward and shoves Jason away from Jeongguk.
Jason's body crashes against the lockers, his eyes widening. Taehyung's breathing heavily, obviously not yet recovered. Jeongguk wants to scream at him to stop as Taehyung grabs fistfuls of his shirt and slams him into the locker, but his voice is trapped in his throat.
"Leave him the fuck alone and stop causing a scene," Taehyung says, nearly growling and eyes glowing a faint red. Jeongguk's never seen him this enraged, this violent before. But as Taehyung tries to speak, he notices him wincing visibly.
Jeongguk swallows, watching helplessly as Jason shoves him off. Taehyung gasps for air, holding onto his side as he struggles to breath properly. Grace is screaming at someone to get the nurse but nobody is moving.
Nobody cares. They just want to see the gay kids get beaten up. They deserve it more than a rapist does.
"How cute. Protecting your boyfriend aren't you? Jason says, bitterness coating his words thickly it burns Jeongguk as though he's touched poison.
Taehyung grits his teeth, a muscle jumping on the curve of his jaw and fingers curling into tight balls. Jeongguk's trembling in his spot, feeling himself beginning to burst. He can't stand this. He can't watch this anymore because he knows the longer he does, the more broken and useless he'll feel.
"Taehyung stop."
It comes out softly, a mere whisper but it's there. Taehyung's tensed shoulders relax, and soon his eyes fall on him. His gaze softens, only for Jeongguk, and his lips mouth something Jeongguk's blurring vision can't see. Tears pool in his eyes and he tries to withhold them back. He has to be strong even though every ounce of him feels weak.
"You don't have to protect me," Jeongguk says, unable to find the confidence to project his voice louder. Taehyung's eyes widen for a split second, hurt flashing through them in that moment.
"Please," Jeongguk shakes his head, letting out a trembling breath. "I can handle it," He says, more of a lie to himself than a promise.
Jeongguk takes one last look of Taehyung's frown before turning away to walk down the hall. He doesn't want to hear what he has to say. He knows how he'll react anyways. He'll cry, and there's no way he wants anyone to see anymore pathetic than he already is.
Right now, he wants to disappear on his own. Fade from their memories until he's nothing but a second of their lives meant to be forgotten. It's probably the pain talking, but deep down he knows very well it's better that way.
He doesn't see them anymore after that.
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It's the night before he leaves for Nashville.
Jeongguk's sitting against his bed, staring at his empty ceiling. He still feels nothing but it's more bearable now. He's cried it all out to the point that he's not sure he's capable of crying anymore, and the sobs that leave his lips are broken chuckles every now and then.
It's an improvement, sort of. Not a good one, but an improvement nonetheless.
To think things have come to this. Conversion therapy tastes bitter on his tongue like those curses his parents had taught him to avoid. It's funny really, how he has to repay for his sins in a place that isn't a church. God is supposed to be about forgiveness and repentance, yet Jeongguk's far from receiving it.
The pamphlet he has is also sitting on his dresser; he's looked through it once, curious of what happens in those places. Most of it is 'bullshit' about curing people of their homosexuality and there's more nonsense about childhood trauma that Jeongguk can't help but scoff at it.
Homosexuality isn't a curable disease. He knows that now, yet for some reason he still feels guilty even though this is who he is. He's gay. Very gay now that he thinks about it, but there's still this small bittersweet aftertaste about it.
Maybe it's because he's been living his entire life in a lie, or the fact he's been making up excuses about why girls never seemed to interest him. Or perhaps it's because he had this gut-wrenching feeling ever since he met Taehyung that his parents will hate him for it.
He guesses he'll feel guilty no matter what if he told them or not. Somedays he feels as though it clings onto him like an annoying friend whose company he can't stand, and on others it leaves this layer of heaviness in his chest that he can't ignore.
Whatever these analogies are, Jeongguk supposes it's inevitable when you feel differently for someone else. People are so accustomed to the idea of a male and female together, he guesses even gay people don't know how to react to same sex attraction.
It's this whole new experience for people. It can be amazing and so beautifully nervewracking— like how Jeongguk bursts into laughter when he remembers his first time with Taehyung or his first date with him. It can be devastating and painful to the point everything feels numb— like now.
Jeongguk sighs and sits up in his bed, tossing the covers aside. He just can't sleep anymore. His gaze automatically flits to his window, letting out a sigh noticing Taehyung's bedroom light is open. The tension in his chest eases a little knowing Taehyung is there, awake just like he is.
He gets up without knowing it and wanders over to his window. Jeongguk's heart is set on Taehyung, Taehyung, Taehyung, and nothing else. He's not thinking anymore, God, he never is when he's around Taehyung.
The moment the window's pulled up, he skids down the side of his roof. All he's running on now is adrenaline and desperation— he's never really climbed this part a lot. Taehyung's better at it.
When he approaches Taehyung's window, he notices he's sitting on his bed with headphones on, listening to his walkman as he tosses a football between his hands.
Jeongguk hesitates before knocking gently on his window, unsure why he's even here at the first place. He should be sleeping right now, though he dreads thinking about tomorrow with every piece of him.
Taehyung flinches in his bed, the skin between his brows drawing together. He pulls off his headphones and finally looks at the window, his eyes widening when he realizes Jeongguk's there. He waves at him, and somehow, his throat begins to close.
He scrambles out of his bed, tossing the football aside and limping to his window. Jeongguk's lips form a trembling smile. He feels tears pool in his eyes, blurring his vision the moment Taehyung opens the window.
"Are you—," Taehyung starts, but is instantly cut off guard when Jeongguk hops over his window and throws himself into his arms.
Taehyung staggers back slightly, his hands hovering above Jeongguk as he buries his face in his shirt, inhaling his familiar scent. It smells like home, fuck Taehyung's his home, and it doesn't take long until Jeongguk feels tears roll down his cheeks like raindrops.
Silence envelops them both, though it isn't the awkward kind. Jeongguk's sniffles fill the room as he tightens his hold around Taehyung's neck, his body fitting perfectly against his like he's found the missing piece to his puzzle.
Soon, Taehyung slowly wraps his arms around him, and all feels normal just for a moment. Even though the moment isn't long, Jeongguk's thankful he can remember what it feels like in Taehyung's embrace.
"I love you," Jeongguk says against his neck, his words slightly muffled. Taehyung gently pulls away from him to get a better look at his face.
"I love you too," He replies, using his thumb to carefully wipe away the tears staining his cheek. Jeongguk chuckles softly, reaching up and cupping the side of Taehyung's cheek with his palm.
"Will you ever forget me?"
"What? No, I wouldn't," Taehyung says, a little bit taken a back at the suddenness of Jeongguk's question. His brows knit together and the edges of his lips fall into a frown that has Jeongguk's stomach twisting.
"You probably should," Jeongguk says again, unsure where all of this is coming from yet it he still lets it out. He feels Taehyung stiffen beneath his touch, the frown he wears deepening as Jeongguk lets out a broken chuckle.
"Why would you ask me that?" Taehyung says, the words that leave his lips wavering ever so slightly. Jeongguk's smile cracks, and soon, the sobs he's been trying so hard to hold back wreck havoc over his entire body.
He leans his head into Taehyung's shoulder, his shoulders shaking with each violent sob that leaves his throat raw. Taehyung sighs, pulling him back in and running his fingers through his hair as the smaller boy breaks right in front of him.
"T-Taehyung I'm l-leaving tomorrow," Jeongguk says in between hiccups, his voice much smaller than him. "I-I'll be gone for a-awhile," He looks up at him through watery eyes.
"L-Love, you can't go to them," Taehyung's grip on his tightens as though the second he lets go, he'll lose him. He shakes his head, biting down on his lip. "Please don't leave, love. It's hell there."
"And it's h-hell here," Jeongguk says, gesturing around him. "Everyone wants me to die, Tae. They hate me, and they'll never b-believe what J-Jason did. At least nobody will know me there."
"We can find a way, but promise me you won't go," Taehyung whispers, gently shaking his shoulders, desperation swarming in his irises. "Please, Gguk."
"I have to," The words leave his mouth almost inaudibly. Jeongguk inhales shakily, swiping at his eyes to catch the tears falling out with the back of his hand. "I have to go." He repeats, much louder.
He turns to walk out, knowing it's a mistake even coming here. However, before he can get the chance to move, Taehyung grabs his hand and pulls him back to him, desperate to keep him close. Their gazes meet, and Jeongguk's never seen him so upset because of him.
"We can't stop fighting them, baby. We can't let them win," Taehyung says, gently cradlig his face in his big hands. He leans forehead, pressing a kiss on his forehead, letting his lips linger on his soft skin before pulling away to see Jeongguk frowning at him.
"Remember I'll always love you, okay?" He says, his fingers brushing against his. He leans forward, slowly closing the distance between them until there's less than fraction left for their lips to touch.
"Can you stay with me, love?" Taehyung whispers. Jeongguk nods, his lips pulling into a wobbly smile.
"I will."
Their lips finally meet in slow, careful pecks before shifting into something more. Taehyung pulls him back for more, his lips caressing his unhurriedly as if they had all of the time in the world when really, they don't. Neither of them break apart, both scared to realize what'll happen if they do.
Jeongguk melts into him one last time, allowing himself to tattoo this into his memories. Eventually they have to pull apart for air, their noses gently bumping against one another's. Jeongguk drapes his arms over his shoulders, leaning his head against his.
Eventually they find their way to Taehyung's bed, but neither one of them have anything else in mind except holding one another. Taehyung makes space for Jeongguk to lie down beside him, and when he does, he pulls the covers over the both of them.
It's too dark to see what's happening, the dull, hazy glow from the lamplight barely illuminating their features. Jeongguk rests his hands on Taehyung's chest while Taehyung's arms are circled around his waist. Their feet are tangled together, and their hearts are intertwined.
Jeongguk's breathing begins to slow, his eyelids beginning to feel heavier with each passing second. He lets his finger trace the soft curve of Taehyung's jaw to the round of his nose. He gently pokes the moles on his nose and his lip, letting himself imprint Taehyung's features into his memories last minute as he falls to the hands of sleep.
Later in the night, Jeongguk wakes up on his own. He's surprised he's able to sleep, though he guesses it's because he has Taehyung sleeping peacefully beside him. Taehyung makes things more bearable to live through in all honesty.
He notices how calm he is in his sleep, and all the worries Taehyung seems to have are gone in this state. It's perfect, perfect just like him. Jeongguk finds himseld carefully brushing aside a lock of hair behind his ear, his heart stopping just looking at him.
Jeongguk leaves one last kiss on his forehead and gets up, leaving him.
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T A E H Y U N G
Morning spills past his curtains and into his face, prompting Taehyung to stir in his sleep. He jerks awake, however, realizing the space beside him is completely empty. Jeongguk's gone.
Scrambling onto his feet, Taehyung shoves his curtains aside, peering past his window and into Jeongguk's. He curses under his breath finding his room clean and empty.
Taehyung runs his hands through his hair, messing them up more than it already is before something clicks in his mind. It's a bad idea, a horrible one, but desperation makes you do really stupid things. Plus it's Jeongguk's last day— he can't let him leave.
He runs out of his room and down the stairs, ignoring the looks his parents give him. Rachel and his dad get up from their seats, exchanging confused looks but Taehyung isn't focused on that. He wants to see his Jeongguk.
Quickly throwing open the door, he rushes down the steps to his front porch and runs across his lawn to Jeongguk's yard. He notices his mom's car is turned on in the front, ready for a long trip to Nashville, but otherwise nobody is there.
It's now or never, Taehyung thinks as he approaches his doorstep. It's either lose Jeongguk to them, or risk ever seeing him again. He already knows his choice anyways.
"Jeongguk!" He says, not caring that it's too early to be shouting. He knocks on their door, calling Jeongguk's name over and over again to the point it's driving him insane.
"Please answer the door!" He's nearly begging, and his throat is being to hurt, yet he's determined to see him. People have even stepped out into their porches to see the racket, confused to see him banging on the pastor's door this early in the morning.
Thankfully the door swings open, but the person who unlocks it for him isn't Jeongguk. It's his dad.
"May I ask why you're here, son?" His tone is quite grouchy for a pastor, and the tight-lipped smile he wears isn't at all likable, though Taehyung guesses it's because he's making too much noise.
"Can I see Jeongguk sir?" Taehyung says, trying his hardest to prevent himself looking over his shoulder for him. Jeongguk's father's smile instantly falls into a frown.
"I'm sorry but he isn't available right now," He says, his hand on the door to shut it. Taehyung quickly sticks his foot between them and the door, stopping it and earning a confused look from the pastor.
"Please sir, you can't let him leave," Taehyung's breathless; he's working solely on adrenaline to keep up with what's going on. "Those camps— sir, trust me, they aren't ethical," Taehyung explains noticing his skeptical expression.
"Who are you?" His eyes narrow as he crosses his arms over his chest. Taehyung gulps, cupping the side of his neck with his palm. His gaze darts around the floor coming up for an explanation worthy enough.
"Taehyung?" Taehyung turns to the tiny voice calling out his name, and standing right behind his father is Jeongguk. His doe eyes are red and puffy, a sight that pains Taehyung to even look at.
"You know him?" Jeongguk's dad asks. Jeongguk nods slowly, his eyebrows drawing together. His dad scans Taehyung from head-to-toe, not entirely convinced.
"I'm sorry, but we're busy," Taehyung shakes his head, chewing his lip as he tries to push past him. Jeongguk's dad is much stronger and grabs him by the shoulder, pulling him back to where he started.
"Don't make me call the police, young man," It's obviously a threat, but Taehyung doesn't care. He glances over his shoulder, silently begging for Jeongguk to say something but he doesn't. He doesn't. even look him in the eye.
Standing there defeated, Taehyung knows there's nothing else he can do except tell them. He doesn't give a single damn about his father's reaction anymore or the fact their love is shamed upon or is unnatural to their eyes. In that moment, Jeongguk is all that matters to him— he can't lost him.
And fuck all of them, honestly. He's not afraid of them anymore.
"Stay, Jeongguk, please," Taehyung whispers, hesitant as the words are stuck in his throat.
"T-Taehyung I can't." Jeongguk exhales. Taehyung sucks in a shaky breath. If Jeongguk's ready to give up, he'll continue for the two of them as long as he can love him. God, he only wants to love him.
"What's going on?" Both of their heads turn to Jeongguk's mother who's standing by the stairs with a suitcase in her hand. She looks genuinely confused.
"Please don't let him go, ma'am. Please— Please trust me," Taehyung says, struggling against Jeongguk's dad whose blocking the door. Mrs. Jeon raises an eyebrow at him, still stunned from what's going on.
He tries to push past Jeongguk's dad who's holding him back with one last effort. Finally, he shrugs him off, giving the man a dirty look before gathering the confidence to say it. He has to say it. It settles thickly on his chest like a heavy weight. It's now or never.
"I love your son. I actually have been loving him for the last few months."
Both of his parents' expressions pale, the blood draining instantly from their faces upon his confession. Jeongguk's eyes are wide, not at all expecting him to say it. Taehyung shakes his head, knowing very well this burst of adrenaline pumping through him will run out fast.
"If you loved him, you'll accept him. Those camps are lies they spread to hurt your children," Taehyung says, his voice wavering the entire time but he stands his ground. It's like the weight is slowly lifting off his chest, and for once, it feels good.
Jeongguk's parents say nothing for awhile, but the disgusted looks they give him are a good enough answer for Taehyung. He takes a step back, letting the information sink in. He can feel his hands tremble, and his throat's beginning to swell shut, but oddly he still feels like he's been freed.
"Do you love him Jeongguk?" Mrs. Jeon speaks up, and all of them turn their attention him. Taehyung hopes he'll say yes, though deep down he knows what his answer is going to be.
Their eyes meet for a split second but it feels like eternity. Taehyung feels warm liquid drip from the edge of his chin, the faint taste of salt on his tongue. He nods at him, forcing his lips into a crooked smile. Jeongguk's chin quivers as he shakes his head.
"It's okay," Taehyung mouthes at him. Everybody's waiting for his answer. Jeongguk hangs his head low, his lips pressing into a thin line while the back of his hand wipes at his teary eyes.
"I don't," Jeongguk says. It feels like a stab to the heart, but Taehyung takes it. He expected it, but why does it fucking hurt so much? Taehyung nods stiffly, the smile he wears struggling to hold.
"I think you've done enough damage for our family," Mrs. Jeon says, her voice lacking the warmth he remembers. It's cold and sharp like ice. "Leave."
Taehyung nods again, taking it as his time to leave. He looks over at Jeongguk to see him covering his face, his shoulders shaking with each soft sob he doesn't dare make audible. This is how it ends.
He turns around and heads down the porch steps, crying silently. He rubs his eyes with his palms, his breathing jagged as he tries to smile through it all. He can't, and eventually that smile crumbles along with the rest of him.
When he looks up from the ground, however, he sees his parents waiting for him on their lawn.
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hi i tried to drive today and i
was literally freaking out lmaoo
i hope everybody isn't too hurt!
i can't believe this book is ending
soon, and also, i wanna address one
thing; this book ain't gonna end like s**
in fact, i think ya'll would like it so pls
stop asking me if its gonna end like it sksks
love you guys 💛💛 mela