two weeks later
KAITLYN'S NOT allowed out of John's sight, she's (basically) come to learn. He's turned clingy, constantly needing a hand on her, and follows her around like a lovesick little puppy who's afraid she's going to disappear again. At first she didn't mind, she liked it; she knew it was going to be a hard transition for both of them coming back to the lives they (used to) know. However, it's weird for her to see how easy it is for John to flip a switch and be perfectly fine, and only worry about her well being. But what gets her even more is how un-phased and happy(?) he seems to be, being back in his old life. John can't be to blame for it though, it will always be a part of him she may not be able to understand.
If you'd told her two weeks ago when she first got home she'd recover fairly quickly, she'd think you were kidding. She's okay. As okay as someone can get. No more nightmares or scary thoughts, for the most part...
She hates how she still has a hard time going into rooms alone still, how she still hesitates and needs to see John. But it doesn't mean she doesn't want time to herself or independence. Going into the city to start rehearsal again? John takes her. Going to see Sara? John goes as well.
Kaitlyn does love having John with her all the time and getting to be close to him. Except the last few days he's been getting on her last nerve, probably for the first time ever. Kaitlyn feels smothered and wants room to breathe as she's trying to move on from being kidnapped (best a person can do that). As helpful as John is, as understanding as he is— he's too damn protective; always has been but now more so. Understandably.
And maybe it's because Kaitlyn thinks now that John got a taste of his old life, he'll want back in. Maybe all her feelings of frustration are really about that, because she's too afraid to ask. She doesn't want to hear an answer she won't like. She can't handle anymore nights worrying about him getting killed, she needs their domestic life together. Even though John told her Winston said his retirement will be respected, she's still scared. There's so many what if's and not everyone keeps their world. John may even want to go back.
And if John does want to go back she has no idea what she'd do.
Kaitlyn and Sara decided earlier that they need time together, without John, without Eric. Kaitlyn doesn't want her friend to have to drive out to come get her so she decides she'll just drive into the city; because, they're going to go out out. It may be too soon for her especially because of what happened at the Red Circle but she's just going to push through it.. and she knows it'll piss John off, and in a weird sense she thinks it'll give her the space she thinks she needs. Time to think. Make him suffer because she's scared- even if it makes no sense.
Kaitlyn is in the bathroom when she hears the bedroom door close and the closet open. There's a beating in her chest that's telling her she's being stupid and immature, all because she's scared of asking a simple question. 'Do you want to go back to... work?'
"Hey John?" Kaitlyn calls out. She just spent the last thirty minutes getting ready while he was watching a show.
"Yeah? What's up?" she knows he's making his way to the bathroom to see her. And she also knows he isn't going to like what he sees- technically he will- but not for the purpose she has in mind.
She knows the door being locked will get him going; tonight she's just being horrible towards him and it's killing her to do. But she's insecure. John cares a lot and here she is acting like a child because she's getting frustrated at him.
The door knob jiggles and she knows how much he hates it when things get locked, "Katie, are you okay?"
Kaitlyn hesitantly reaches and opens the door, "I'm fine."
John's eyes narrow looking down her body as the door opens and reveals; she's in a rather tight dress, "you sure?"
"Yeah. So, I know it's like kinda late but Sara and I are gonna get together."
He stays quiet looking tense. He's clearly thinking as his brows are furrowed; he's doing his best to be patient. John is trying to understand her emotions are on a roller coaster and she appears to be back to former reckless ways.
"So I'm gonna go get ready, I can take myself so don't worry about-"
"Katie."
"What?"
"I'm not trying to come across as..." his voice drifts off and he motions to her outfit, "but no, please. I know you and I know what you have in mind for tonight."
"John I'm gonna go it's fine."
He's not happy she can see it written all over his face and posture. Even though he towers over her, and is much stronger, she feels comfortable not to back down, "I'm.. saying no."
John's never told her 'flat out no' to anything before and that does take her aback.
Kaitlyn sighs. She pushes past him and goes into their large bedroom. In the mirror she sees she clearly looks ready for a night out on the town. The dress is tight and black, hair curled, sparkly makeup, and all she needs now is a pair of heels.
John is standing there in a black shirt and pair of sweats, he looks good. He's the hottest fucking man in the whole and it makes her list after him no matter the situation. Kaitlyn wants to get ahold of him and go right to their bed the moment her eyes laid on him. God John always looks so damn handsome she's practically obsessed. But she knows she can't let herself give in right now she needs space and to get out of this house.
As she scurries throughout the room gathering her stuff, John stands there like a sad puppy, "Kaitlyn."
His voice. It makes her heart break as she's starting to walk away from him. It's not stern, or it's normal low and gravely.. it sounds depressed. John never uses her full name and that kills her too. He knows her and knows she can be reckless; he knows she's gonna walk out that door because he's not some controlling idiot that'll forcibly stop her. Instead he'll try to talk her out of it more.
Hot on her heels, John follows her down the stairs.
"Talk to me baby, don't just walk away and go get wasted to deal with things."
"Why does it matter?"
"Your safety. Maybe PTSD from the club. I went through it early on, you're not immune to it."
John is positioned in front of her now, blocking her from going down the last three steps. He wants her to think about everything before he lets her walk out that door- as much as he doesn't want to.
"We won't know unless we try-"
"Not a smart way to look at it." he glares, "at least let me go with you just in case." his chest is tightening in fear. Maybe it's separation anxiety; thinking about being without her. It's always been a joke amongst the people they know but now it's very real...
"No John, I need girl time with Sara!"
"I don't want anything to happen to you.. it's still too soon Katie." he's trying to stay grounded as he talks. Trying to appeal to her in a more logical way, he doesn't want to let himself get worked up; because there's already desperation in his voice.
"Well when isn't too soon?" she proclaims, "It's been two weeks-"
"- Wait longer." he responds flatly cutting her off.
Kaitlyn huffs in frustration crossing her arms. She seems to look like a kid being reprimanded that is about to throw a fit. Her and John never fight; it's probably been years since any sort of argument between them. But both their mental states are different right now, especially hers. He doesn't understand her sudden change in heart and mind, how she wants to go out and be without him.
"Please talk to me," John goes up a step and takes one of her hands into his. He's trying to stay calm and sweet; he can't have her shutting down on him, "I can tell something's wrong besides not getting to go out."
She sniffles and looks away from him to hide her watering eyes. Crying wouldn't be ideal right now, she's all done up and it would ruin her makeup. A tightening feeling in her chest makes her hesitant to say something to John about what's really on her mind. He probably isn't going to take it well and be hurt by it, at least that's what she pictures.
But she continues anyways. She speaks without thinking and hates herself for it almost immediately, "I need space from you."
There's a second of shock that comes over his face but he hides it immediately. He nods with tight lips, backing up with hurt body language. It looks like he just took a massive hit to the gut and she regrets her words.
"Okay." he sounds dejected and hurt. It's a simple reply; but one that's filled with millions of emotions.
Kaitlyn stands on the stairs with defeat and pain in her eyes. She feels like an asshole. He walks away from her and she wants to chase after him to apologize, but her heels feel glued to the hardwood steps. Noises come from the kitchen that signal to her he's grabbing a bite to eat; then he's probably going to go to bed. The look in his eyes, his dropped body language.. how he walked away so sad. He looked so diminished and that breaks her heart because it's due to her.
He's really going to let her walk out.
Kaitlyn was swaying to the music a drunken mess. She has to grip on to Sara as they move about. Her body was tense with anxiety running through her veins. She shook after each shot went down her throat, each sip burned her painfully. The loud noises made her jump, flinch, and have to go and regroup in a bathroom. She'd swayed to the music hardly able to walk or think straight. Tonight had been a mistake; all she could think about was John. How upset he was and how stupid she was.
•••
The air is heavy in the Wick house as a tired Kaitlyn is making her way down the stars. It'd been a long and strenuous time as all they've done has argued and avoided each other. She feels a pit in her stomach and it's not from hunger, as she approaches the kitchen where noises can be heard.
"Hungry?" John asks as Kaitlyn stumbles into the kitchen. She's in her pajamas, rubbing her eyes, and hardly awake. The sun is shining through the windows and it makes her squint in pain. Nodding at his question, she then takes a seat at the breakfast bear and places her head in her hands. Kaitlyn's not ready for any sort of conversation between them, because it will probably be an argument.
"Yeah."
It's been a week since their argument about the club.
It's an extra week that Kaitlyn's been bottling up her emotions.
It's a week too long that John thinks she's upset with him.
Kaitlyn doesn't know how to act around him right now. They're awkward as hell; odd talk, silence, avoiding each other, and sleeping on other sides of the bed. It's absolutely horrendous compared to how they once were, and it's making both of them miserable. John is trying to give her the space she thinks she wants; he's well over her comments but the first move has to come from her. And he knows she's definitely kicking herself, but he has to wait it out.
Which when it comes to Kaitlyn, that can take awhile. He's learned from the past.
"Here you go," as he sets down a plate of eggs, John kisses the top of her head; which makes her freeze.
"T-thanks." she stares down at the plate. The food looks delicious but as quick as she had gotten her appetite, she lost it. "John?"
"Hmm?
She reaches out and grabs his shirt. Her fingers are attached to the fabric as if he walks away it would be the end of her, "I'm sorry.." her voice is tiny but she leans it.
"I know."
"But Jonathan-"
"It's okay."
"You're upset. I hurt you with what I said, and we can't even talk normally..." she grabs onto him even harder with pleading eyes that are begging him to see how sorry she is.
"You shouldn't have walked out that door then Katie.. then come home the next morning hung over as hell, I just worry about you every second and.. that was hard for me. To hear you say that, it upset me yes. I know things are weird right now.. And I also know something's going on and you won't tell me."
"Everything I said too, about needing space I didn't-"
"- Mean it, I know." John gives her a tight lipped smile, "this is a hard time you're still trying to cope-"
"I can't use that as an excuse for being so rude. For hurting your feelings, that was never my intent I just said it because I have been getting frustrated, but not because of you I don't think."
John moves so he's now in front of her. He cups her cheeks so she is looking up into his eyes. His eyes are so kind, "Katie talk to me."
Her breath hitches. He knows.
"I can see it in your eyes, your body language. I know you well Katie, I know when something's bothering my wife, and that it has to do with me. Normally you'd talk to me and we'd be all over handling it together. But that's not the case right now, you're upset with me and you're trying to hide it." John then laughs, "and I know it's not just my clingy behavior- which has been pretty bad."
His last comment makes Kaitlyn giggle shaking her head too, "god I don't know how to say this."
"Just say it. I'd rather have it out in the open then let it muster."
It's agonizingly silent as Kaitlyn is fighting with her inner self on how to say it. She feels like she's been spiraling since coming home. Not coping in the best ways, not talking about it, and lying to John. She used alcohol as a means to escape and that didn't even work, not like she thought it would.
She sits there a little longer under John's watchful eye. Taking a deep breath she says, "I.. I can't help but think, but worry, that you'll want to go back." her words are shaky and unsure, quiet too but she gets them out. And when she does it feels like there's a weight lifted off her shoulder.
"Go back to what?"
"To the job," she says sadly with tears pricking at her eyes.
"Katie no.. no," he goes to her side instantly, and pulls her into his chest as she's still sitting at the bar, "is that what this has been about?" she nods against him, "I don't want that life anymore, I want my life with you. I want our movie nights, cookouts, your concerts, the traveling, and getting to have you by my side every night. I wouldn't give this up for anything."
His words make her break down into tears. She's choked up and unable to speak as John cradles her into him. He's mumbling soft words of endearment as she clings to his torso. Feelings of guilt begin to wrack through her as she couldn't believe she thought he'd want his old life back. It was a foolish thought in a sense, but she can't take it back.
It's hard for her to speak as he's holding her tight. He has a large hand on the back of her head and another draped around her shoulders. It's probably an awkward position as he's standing and she's not; but she feels safe and loved. Slightly foolish; but he'd never say that.
Finally she's able to speak with her voice breaking as she sniffles, "I-I'm sorry. I just can't.. can't imagine losing you. Or thinking you won't want us anymore because you got a taste of it-."
"You'll never have to worry about me not being here. And I'll never not want us sweetheart, I love you with my whole being." helping her get up, John steadies her as she's on feet. His hands grip her sides as if he's the only thing keeping her up and okay.
"Thank you," she mumbles softly, moving a hand over his own as she tries to grasp at his large fingers.
"Let's go outside, in the sun."
"Y-Yeah good idea."
The sun is warm against their skin as they exit the coolness of their home. It's bright and calm, and in great contrast to both of their messy emotions swirling. There's a light breeze that brushes through both of their hair, blowing the sweet smell of nature. John is being gentle as he can be as he guides Kaitlyn to the deck. She's still a sniffling and shaking mess, and he hates it. He hates seeing her weak because he wasn't doing his job as a husband so she knows how loved she is.
They're at the railing of the deck, looking out over their secluded, beautiful, yard. Kaitlyn is standing in front of John, who has both arms on either side of her hands gripping to the rail. She feels safe against his chest as she looks out,
"It's peaceful." Kaitlyn murmurs, "just nice out. I'm sorry if, if I've been difficult these last few weeks. I know I've apologized a lot and I probably will for some time-"
"- Shh, there's no need and I'll keep telling you that. We're still picking up the pieces right?"
"Yeah, we are. Healing.. it's going to take awhile I think, at least for me.. which I know I've said before." each day is a new monster to tackle. Some days it's like a new life, some days it's the worst.
"Yeah, it will awhile it doesn't fix itself overnight. But don't keep your feelings from me, I want to know everything you're thinking. It's my job to make sure you're okay and not doubting us." John places a hand over her own comfortingly. He's much taller than her, he wishes he could lean down and kiss the top of her head easier.
Kaitlyn spins herself around, her hands going right to his body. She's looking at him with a happy lopsided grin, she gets to look at his beautiful face everyday. She gets to call this amazing man her husband.
Getting on her tippy toes still isn't enough to be close to reaching John, she has to grab his neck and pull him down so their lips could touch. He's loving her boldness and awkwardness in one.
It's a short and chaste kiss they share. And Kaitlyn pulls away with a smirk but not breaking their eye contact. It feels like the world is standing still around them as they never break away from each other.
"John I was thinking." she says absentmindedly with a smile still on her lips. She's actually thought about this a lot and she hopes John will be on the same page.
"About?"
"We should get a dog, I've had the thought for awhile now but.. maybe we actually could." they'd talked about how having kids was out of the picture, and now so even more, so maybe this would be good.
"That is a random thought." he shakes his head, "but I like the idea."
"I think it would be a nice thing, new change to our lives. A new addition."
"Think it would help having another body around here?"
"Maybe, I mean I've always wanted a pet."
"Then I guess we're getting a dog," John laughs heartily, "you never cease to surprise me."
"Gotta keep you on your toes!"
"Trust me you do. Let's go grab a bite to eat and we'll talk about the dog?"
"Yes please."
It's a moment that'll be stuck in time, the way she's standing there looking up at him with a smile. Her eyes crinkled at the corners as she's grinning ear to ear. It's endearing and makes his heart flutter.
To John, Kaitlyn is the only thing that matters. The woman who owns his heart. Without her he can't breathe or function properly. She makes his world spin like it's supposed to, because of her he can keep going. He loves her. Every inch of him is consumed in that love at all times; whether it be through worry or fear or care. All emotions he has come leading him down the path right back to her. As he looks at the girl in his arms he can't help but think about how lucky he is.
note- end of part 2
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