The Rise of Caesarion
by Wuckster
"Mother," Caesarion said as he tiptoed into the room uncertainly.
"Hush," Cleopatra said as she tied the servant down to the table. "Can't you see Mummy's in the middle of something?"
"Yes, but Mother-"
"I said shut up!" Cleopatra said as she whirled around and smacked her son upside the head. "If you'd really like to help you can make sure my loyal faithful servant here doesn't move while Mummy tests out this magical elixir that your uncle Olympos obtained for her."
"What does it do?" Caesarion asked.
"It makes all of your sadness go away," Cleopatra said as she forced the liquid down her servant's throat. The servant let out an agonized scream and then blood began spewing out of both of her eyes, splattering Cleopatra and her son. This went on for several minutes before coming to an abrupt stop as the last vestige of life left the servant. "Hmm. That was messy and looked painful. So far the asp seems to be the most promising. Anyway, what was it you wished to see me about, light of my life?"
"The bad man is sitting on my throne," Caesarion said. "He said he wants to see you now."
"Very well," Cleopatra said as she snapped her fingers. Another servant ran up and patted her down with wet cloths so that most of the blood splatter was cleaned up.
"Mother?"
"Yes, my dearest sweetest most precious boy?"
"Why is that man on my throne? You said I could be the ruler of all of Egypt."
"And you shall be, sunshine. You shall be. Let Mummy speak with the bad man."
She marched into the throne room where Octavian sat lounging on the chair munching on grapes. She couldn't help but notice that her three youngest children were arranged in front of him on their knees.
"Ah, Cleopatra, my dear," Octavian said. "It's ever so kind of you to join us."
"Octavian," she said curtly in response.
"I'd offer you a seat, but I seem to be sitting in the only one in the room. You simply must invest in some more furniture. Anyway, I see no reason to beat around the bush here. Your loverboy Mark Antony is dead."
"Yes, I'm aware of that. I buried him in the tomb myself before your goon Gaius Proculeius escorted me back here."
"Stabbed himself in the stomach like a little bitch," Octavian said as he picked a little piece of grape skin out of his teeth with his fingernail. "So sad. Anyway, as you can see Alexandria is mine. As are the three little brats Antony squirted into you."
"If you harm them, I swear-"
"Now, now. There's no need for threats. Come on, we're all friends here. We've simply had a few minor disagreements over the years. Just trifling little things such as your marriage to Antony while there was the small matter that he was already married to my sister. Oh yes, and that time you tried to claim your nimrod son was the rightful heir to Caesar rather than yours truly. There may have been a few other petty squabbles, but really, who can be bothered to remember such trivialities? The point is, I like you. I have no wish to see you or your offspring come to harm. If you prove cooperative, I see no reason why your children shouldn't have bright futures. Even that moron Caesarion."
"What exactly do you mean by cooperative?" Cleopatra asked.
"Well, I don't want to get into details here, but perhaps I could take you back with me to Rome and march you through the streets in a celebration of my complete and utter victory over you."
"I will not be led in a triumph," Cleopatra said as she spat on the ground. "I am no common whore to be paraded around in humiliation. I'll die first."
"Okay, it was merely a suggestion" Octavian said as he raised his hands in an attempt to be placating. "Like I said, we're old friends. I'm sure we can come to some kind of accommodation that is acceptable to everyone involved."
"And what of my kingdom? What are your plans for Egypt? Will my son Caesarion be allowed to rule as I have promised him? Will you make a liar out of me to my own son?"
"You know, it's really just much too soon for me to discuss these matters. Going to have to talk it over with the advisors and all of that. You know how it goes. Leadership is such a drag, am I right? Heavy is the head that wears the crown and all that. At any rate, I can offer you my assurances that you will be kept alive."
"How generous of you," Cleopatra said. "Do you have anything else to say or is our discussion finished?"
"You know I always have a simply marvelous time conversing with you, my dear, but if I'm boring you I suppose you may leave."
"Then I shall leave," Cleopatra said and turned around without waiting for a response.
*
"Mother," Caesarion said as he poked his head into the room.
"Mummy's meeting with one of her spies right now, sweetheart."
"But Mother, the bad man left to go back to Rome days ago but his goons that he left behind are sitting in my throne and they won't get out. I told them I'm the king and they have to do what I say, but they won't listen. Will you please have them executed for me?"
"Sweetie, in case you hadn't noticed we're not exactly in charge here. In fact, we're kind of prisoners. Now please leave Mummy in peace to speak with her informant."
"But Mother-"
"I said leave!" Cleopatra shouted as she picked up a carved bust of her son and hurled it at his head. It shattered against the wall as he ducked out of the room in a hurry. "Sorry about that. You were saying?"
"Yes, your highness. I have it on excellent authority that Octavian plans to have you and your children transferred to Rome in three days time whereupon you are to be marched through the streets in a triumphal procession."
"That bastard! I told him I'd die first. Well, good thing I've been testing out poisons on the servants. Octavian may have won, but I'll not give him the satisfaction of parading me around in public like a defeated mutt. Go fetch my physician Olympos. Tell him to bring me the asp. Have him bring an extra one in case the first one doesn't take."
"Yes, your highness," the spy bowed and quickly made his way out of the room.
Cleopatra clenched her fists and fumed in silence.
Then an exceptionally bright light filled the room and two small green men materialized out of thin air.
"Greetings, Earthling Female," said one of the men. "I am Flizzbo and this is my life companion Xurrrrh."
"Top of the morning to you, ma'am," Xurrrrh said.
"Who are you? How did you get in my private chambers?"
"We just told you our names. I am Flizzbo and this is Xurrrrh. We come from the planet Zebulon. We gained access to your chambers by beaming in."
"Beaming in?" Cleopatra said. "I do not know what that is. But the guards didn't stop you?"
"That is the beauty of beaming in. We can bypass any and all guards by coming directly from our ship to our desired destination. In this case here."
"You can bypass guards, you say," Cleopatra said as she rubbed her chin. "Perhaps you could give me a demonstration of this."
"Oh, sure. We'd be happy to show you. Ship! Three to beam aboard!"
There was another flash of bright light and Cleopatra suddenly found herself in a white room filled with flashing lights and beeping sounds. It was unlike anything she'd ever encountered before.
"You're probably wondering what brings us here," Xurrrrh said. "A couple thousand years ago or thereabouts we came by here and helped some of your people build some pyramids. They never would have been able to pull that off without our help. It's really quite easy and it was our pleasure to lend a hand. Now inverted pyramids are a much trickier proposition, but regular pyramids are a piece of cake. Anyway, we just happened to be in the neighborhood so we thought we'd drop by and see how they were working out for you."
"How what's working out?" Cleopatra asked.
"The pyramids."
"Oh those old things? They're fine. Say, what does this thing do?"
"That big red button there? That initiates our mass destructor ray."
"And what does that do exactly?" she asked.
""Well, let's just say hypothetically you wanted to destroy a very large geographic area. You simply line up the target on your viewscreen just like so and then you press that button and it's pretty much instantly vaporized."
"I see," Cleopatra said. "Now you said we're aboard some sort of vessel?"
"Yes this is our spaceship. It's very easy to pilot. Honestly an absolute moron could do it. All you do is sit in the pilot's chair, strap on the helmet and think about where you want to go and the ship takes you there."
"Very interesting. Now how exactly did you go about 'beaming into' my chambers and bypassing the guards?"
"Oh that?" Flizzbo said. "Couldn't be any simpler. You just wear this arm bracelet that I've got on right here, you see? Just slap that puppy right on your arm. That connects you to the ship's mainframe. Then all you have to do is say 'Ship!' And tell it where you want to go and it'll beam you right there. When you're ready to come back aboard you just tell it how many you want to bring aboard. It's very user friendly."
"Got it," Cleopatra said. "And how many people would you say it takes to operate a vessel such as this?"
"Well, shoot," Xurrrrh said. "It's just Flizzbo and me. Nobody else. Honestly if you just want to fly around you could probably get by with one person. Now if you want to operate the mass destructor ray you need a second. But other than that you're good to go."
"Fascinating," Cleopatra said. "Thank you very much for the tour. It would please me greatly if the two of you would accompany me back to my chambers. I would love to return the favor and give you a tour of my palace."
"Oh that sounds like fun, doesn't it Flizzbo?"
"Indeed it does, Xurrrrh old pal. Ship! Three to beam down to the Earthling's quarters!"
They materialized back in Cleopatra's chambers. Her physician Olympos stood there holding two snakes. He had a very confused look on his face as she appeared out of thin air with her two strange companions.
"Olympos! Just the man I wanted to see. May I introduce my good friends Xurrrrh and Flizzbo?"
"Uh, how do you do?" Olympos said and then let his jaw return to its agape state.
"I'm glad to see you've brought the asps like I asked. Would you be so kind as to hand those to my friends here?"
"What are these?" Flizzbo asked.
"What, these little guys?" Cleopatra said. "These cute little fellas are called asps. It's an Earth custom that we give them to our honored guests. They're very friendly. See? They want to give you guys kisses. Just hold their faces up to your skin and they'll give you an affectionate welcome."
"Like this?" Flizzbo said as he held the asp to his face. Xurrrrh did the same with his snake.
"Yes, that will work." Cleopatra smiled at them.
The asps struck the aliens almost simultaneously injecting them with potent venom. Within minutes it was all over and the two interstellar visitors were lying dead on the floor. Cleopatra helped herself to the bracelets they wore on their arms. She also found a long skinny metallic object holstered to Flizzbo's leg. She picked it up and studied it. It appeared to have a small lever on it.
"I wonder what this thing does?" she said as she pulled the lever. A beam of light shot out and struck her physician, instantly turning him into dust. "Well, isn't that handy?" She tucked the laser into her gown and poked her head out the door. "Caesarion!"
"Yes, Mother?" Caesarion said as he came scampering around a corner.
"Mummy needs your help with something," she said as she placed one of the bracelets on his arm. "Do you think you can wear a helmet and think about Rome?"
"I think so," Caesarion said.
"Good. Ship! Two to beam aboard!"
They instantly materialized aboard the alien spaceship.
"What is this, Mother? Where are we?"
"Shut up and do as Mummy says. Now put that helmet on and think about Rome like I asked."
Caesarion strapped the helmet on and tried his best to think about Rome, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking about how much fun it would be to build sandcastles at the beach. The spaceship made a pinging noise and vaulted them somewhere over the Hawaiian islands. "Did I do good, Mother?"
"No, I have no idea what we're looking at. I thought they said a total moron could fly this thing."
"I guess they never met this total moron," Caesarion said proudly.
"I'll tell you what, give Mummy the helmet. I'll fly the ship. I just need you to press the big red button when I tell you."
"This big red button?" Caesarion asked as he pushed it, instantly wiping Maui off the map and causing a chain of volcanic eruptions on the other islands.
"Yes, my little dove, but wait until Mummy says."
"Okay, I can do that."
Cleopatra strapped on the helmet and pictured Rome as clearly as she could in her mind. Before she knew it she was looking down at the actual hills of the city. She aimed at the outer edges and told her son to fire away. She systematically vaporized the city, being careful to leave Palatine Hill where Octavian lived intact.
After she decided she had inflicted enough damage she beamed herself and her son down into Octavian's living quarters.
"Cleopatra! How did you get in here? What have you done to Rome?"
"Well, Octavian. It appears the shoe is on the other foot. Perhaps I will march you through the streets in a triumphal procession. Oops, my mistake. There aren't any streets left. So sad."
Octavian dropped to his knees and lowered his head. "I submit myself to your will, my queen. I just hope you will be inclined to remember the mercy I showed you when I had the upper hand. After all, we're old friends, yes?"
"Don't worry. I assure you I will keep you alive," Cleopatra said. "I'm sure we can come to some sort of accommodation that is acceptable to everyone involved."
"Mother make the bad man say I'm king of Egypt," Caesarion said.
"You know what?" Cleopatra said. "I like Egypt. I think I'll keep it for myself. You, my love, can rule over what's left of Rome."
"Yay!" Caesarion said and clapped his hands.
"Now what shall we do with you, my dear Octavian? Like I said, I have every intention of keeping you alive. For now. But there is so much fun we can have in the meantime."
"Mother?"
"Not now, little dove. The grownups are having a conversation."
"What does this thing do?" Caesarion held up the laser gun she had taken from Flizzbo.
"Where did you get that?"
"I saw it sticking out of your gown, Mother. So I grabbed it. What is it?"
"Remember when we talked about not sticking our hands into the fireplace? Well that thing is even more dangerous than the pretty orange stuff. Just put it down on the ground, sweetheart. Whatever you do, don't pull the little lever."
"This little lever?" Caesarion asked as he pulled the trigger, turning Cleopatra into dust.
"Good show, old chap. What do you say you hand that thing to your uncle Octavian?"
"What happened to Mother?"
"Your Mother's gone away. I guess she decided she doesn't love you. Now come on, sport. Give it here."
"Hang on, do you take me for some sort of idiot?" Caesarion asked. "Promise me I get to be king of Egypt. Then you can have it."
"Fine, fine," Octavian said. "I promise you can be king of Egypt. Now give me the toy."
"Yay!" Caesarion clapped his hands as he tossed the laser gun at Octavian. His aim was badly off and it hit the ground several feet in front of Octavian. The impact caused it to fire and Octavian was reduced to a pile of ashes.
"Uh oh," Caesarion said. "I've got a feeling somebody's going to be mad about this. I might get in trouble. I'd better get the heck out of here. Now how did Mother take us to that funny place up in the sky? I think she said something like... Ship! Beam me aboard!"
He found himself back aboard the spaceship and so strapped on the helmet. The only thing he could think of was his favorite blanket so he instructed the ship to take him home. He beamed down to his bedroom, grabbed his blanky, and hid under the bed where he was sure no one would find him when the inevitable trouble came knocking.
And no one ever did.